i’ve never had a panic attack.
but today i realized…just suddenly. out of the blue. today is the 9th.
that means the 6th already passed.
and for a moment i wondered why i was thinking that. i mean, why was that date passing important in this moment.
then it suddenly felt like i’d been suckerpunched right in the gut.
it literally hurt to breathe. my head spun. my vision telescoped.
how could i forget about her? losing her? the day my world turned upside-down entirely. i thought i was going to be a mother. i knew i was ready. i could do it. it didn’t matter what others thought.
and i just forgot.
how could i do that? i deserve to hyperventilate and pass out. it’s fair.
anything for her.
I hate storms. I hate lightning. I hate thunder.
I like rain.
I would like to just have the gentle showers of rain all the time. Please no storms.
Storms make me think of Him.
This is the first storm in a long time to trigger me and send me spiraling spiraling down.
Mute had to drive home. I couldn’t even manage driving in this. I fled.
I haven’t fled in a long time.
Mute has surfaced more and more as the stress of purchasing a home and the shift at work tries to overwhelm and drown me.
Today I try to just breathe.
Swallow some Ativan and push back the shadows. They will not leave but perhaps I can keep them in the corners of the room. At the foot of my bed. Not breathing down my neck and trying to crawl into my mouth.
And of course the blood pressure is not good. My head swims with either the drowning of being triggered or the numbers (197/132) spinning out of control.
Just focus on the air. The air is enough for now. The rest of the world doesn’t need to exist yet.
I just wish the storm would stop.
I don’t want to smell him. To feel his shadow. His breath on my face. His nails in my skin.
Just try not to have dreams. No dreams. Please. That’s all I ask. Please.