Thunderstorms abound (triggered)

I hate storms. I hate lightning. I hate thunder.

I like rain.

I would like to just have the gentle showers of rain all the time. Please no storms.

Storms make me think of Him.

This is the first storm in a long time to trigger me and send me spiraling spiraling down.

Mute had to drive home. I couldn’t even manage driving in this. I fled.

I haven’t fled in a long time.

Mute has surfaced more and more as the stress of purchasing a home and the shift at work tries to overwhelm and drown me.

Today I try to just breathe.

Breathe.

Swallow some Ativan and push back the shadows. They will not leave but perhaps I can keep them in the corners of the room. At the foot of my bed. Not breathing down my neck and trying to crawl into my mouth.

And of course the blood pressure is not good. My head swims with either the drowning of being triggered or the numbers (197/132) spinning out of control.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Just focus on the air. The air is enough for now. The rest of the world doesn’t need to exist yet.

I just wish the storm would stop.

I don’t want to smell him. To feel his shadow. His breath on my face. His nails in my skin.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Just try not to have dreams. No dreams. Please. That’s all I ask. Please.

4 thoughts on “Thunderstorms abound (triggered)

  1. NotAPunkRocker

    Breathe…and keep breathing…

    Is Zoe dog there? Bury yourself in her coat, seek comfort from the nearest thing that you love that loves you back. Match your breathing to hers,make that reconnection to the “now” and know you are safe right now.

    Keep breathing. I’m online if you need to talk.

    Reply
  2. manyofus1980

    Sending hugs, and wags of the tail from Nitro. Breathe…it will help. Our therapist always says breatheing is what grounds us back to the present. hugs for you xoxo

    Reply
  3. Mental Mama

    I’m hoping you were able to get through alright. Too much stress, even the “happy” stress of getting your own home, can be utterly brutal. Sending *hugs* to you and Zoe.

    Reply

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