Panic Attack

i’ve never had a panic attack.

but today i realized…just suddenly. out of the blue. today is the 9th.

that means the 6th already passed.

and for a moment i wondered why i was thinking that. i mean, why was that date passing important in this moment.

then it suddenly felt like i’d been suckerpunched right in the gut.

it literally hurt to breathe. my head spun. my vision telescoped.

how could i forget about her? losing her? the day my world turned upside-down entirely. i thought i was going to be a mother. i knew i was ready. i could do it. it didn’t matter what others thought.

and i just forgot.

how could i do that? i deserve to hyperventilate and pass out. it’s fair.

anything for her.

12 thoughts on “Panic Attack

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you ❤ Doing better today. Decided not to punish myself too harshly. That *is* something I can be safely proud of.

      Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Aw, thanks. I know things are rough for you too so I appreciate the love. Love right back at you. I’m doing much better today. ❤

      Reply
  1. kat

    they say time heals all wounds, and i think this is a case of that. just as i dont cry every month on the day of the month my father died anymore, i can go months without thinking of him now, and suddenly and out of the blue, i will find something that triggered memories of him, and sometimes think of him long and with sadness or for just a moment, pleasantly. the more time passes, the less it hurts, and the less it happens, and the more i remember good and pleasant things.

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      I always thought of it as scabbing, not complete healing. At least for me. I can pick it off again if I really work at it and the wound seems brand new. But thankfully, despite momentarily thinking that picking the scab should happen for the next couple days, I decided to be gentle with myself instead. It can stay a scab for now. Your thoughts helped. Thank you. Today is a much better day.
      It is so wonderful that you can focus more and more on the good memories. That is healing.

      Reply
  2. Goldie

    Don’t be cross with yourself. It doesn’t mean your feelings have changed. It may just mean you’re coping better. That’s okay. Be kind to yourself… its tough enough already. Much love xxx

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Welcome, first of all (at least I don’t think we’ve stumbled across each other before, but I could be wrong- I go months sometimes without updating…).
      Things are much better in the daylight of today (and Friday- free from the work grind soon). Your words are quite wise, and I appreciate them. I did manage to be gentle to myself and I am at least proud of that.
      Warm thoughts!

      Reply
  3. manyofus1980

    You might have forgot to protect you from the apin of losing the baby. It is your mind protection you. But the thing is you did remember. Even if it was a few days later. She hasn’t been forgotten. Here if you need a hand to hold or an ear…xxx

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. That is the important thing. I did remember. It doesn’t have to matter when exactly I remember. It’s always valid and important, no matter the time. That’s what I’m focusing on today.
      Thank you for your thoughts and lots of warm thoughts.

      Reply

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