Unsure Reason

*TW: self-harm*

I self-harmed.

At work.

In a knee-jerk, habitual way.

Just felt…off suddenly. Calmly reached into the back of my desk drawer for my “emergency blade” (that I also use to do marketing stuff for work as a cover) and automatically go to the bathroom.

Back stall. Lock the door. Make sure I’m alone.

Drag it across my hip.

And I fucking sighed in relief at the pain of it.

It disturbs and disgusts me how easily I fall back into it. It rots me inside. I hate it. I hate myself. I can’t shake it.

It’s been fucking months.

I went through the whole stressing of buying a goddamn house and moving in and didn’t self-harm one time.

Why today?

Things are not extremely bad. I mean, they aren’t all sunshine and unicorn farts, but they aren’t awful.

I don’t understand it. But the sweet relief I feel now is the same sharp, sugary, melting feeling it’s always been.

I hate this.

And I can’t stop.

5 thoughts on “Unsure Reason

  1. Bourbon

    Sometimes its the ‘after shock’ of so much stress that makes us feel vulnerable. I can relate to that. Hugs xx

    Reply
  2. Mental Mama

    Try not to be too harsh on yourself. One time doesn’t indicate relapse. Try to be mindful of what’s going on and why this might be happening now. And please, let us know if there’s anything we can do to be of help. *hugs* ❤

    Reply

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