Suicide: An Examination

(TW- pretty obvious I’d say. Don’t read if you can’t handle frank suicide talk.)

The past month I have tried to kill myself twice. Overdosing on pills and slicing my wrists open.

I failed twice.

Due to interventions by people who contacted EMS and police to force me to the hospital.

I’m sure those more optimistic sorts of people would say it’s that I was “rescued” or “saved” from that whole “permanent solution to a temporary problem”.

It isn’t feeling much temporary to me. It’s been over a year now. I am an utter shell of a person. Can’t get a job. Can barely keep my head together for longer than a couple days. Time ebbs and flows and dribbles and spurts.

The only constant is pain and despair.

I find little joy in anything. I’ve been through so many different anti-depressants and such that I can’t even remember all their names. None of them help. Many of them made things worse (fuck you Prozac). I am trying very hard to remain here due to promises I’ve made to family and friends who at times I feel are being selfish in their demands of me. But perhaps I am the selfish one. It’s hard to know.

What I want to do though is record all that happened. So this entry is obviously after all the ODs and psych ward and hospitalizations and pills-pills-pills. I write this while sitting in my own bed with Zoe nearby. But the next series of entries are copied from a composition journal I used to write both my “goodbye letters” to various people and my entries during the psych ward stay.

Eventually the idea is that I will not be in this suicidal mindset anymore and looking back on this entries might be informative to me. I suppose. I just need to get it out anyway. I’m sure it will not strike many people on here as that fascinating of a read and god knows none of you are required to read any of the following posts. They are mostly for me.

For me and the universe.

I would like to dissect and examine the mindset behind the desire for suicide.

9 thoughts on “Suicide: An Examination

  1. sweety5225

    I also attempted suicide just 3 weeks ago. My son found me and called 911. I had paramedics perform cpr and intubation on me to restart my heart and breathing. I was in ICU for days couldn’t speak but felt pain on my chest due to their pounding hard and fast on my chest. The effects were successful so here I am at home wondering why God won’t let me die. I’ve had other od attempts but this one Frightened me the most. I have been blogging here daily to express my thoughts on depression and suicude. Please read if you want. I want to tell you there is a way to get immediate results. ECT TREATMENT is electric shock therapy. I feel no pain for I’m under general anesthesia. After 2 hours I am able to go home. It is remarkable in that ect works for those resistant to medications. Maybe this us for you too. Ask your doctor. Take care

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      The blogging helps. It’s helped me much in the past. Not sure about that sort of treatment for me, as I’m phobic about not having control of my body, but I appreciate the thoughts. You take care as well!

      Reply
  2. WeeGee

    This sounds like a good approach to me, and I hope it will prove helpful when you find yourself in a different place. Sending love and hugs for now. WeeGee xoxo

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you lovely WeeGee ❤ Always appreciate your thoughts. I hope this turns out cathartic in the end. And I've been quiet on this blog for too long. Forgot the way it used to help organize my head.

      Reply
  3. Kat

    Write it, every grisly bit of it. Later when you feel more settled you can examine it in the harsh light of day and then you can decide if you were solving something temporary. It’s your story. Just know that I would miss you, but I’ll respect your decision. ❤

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Hah. Yes. Thank you. I forgot for awhile how much this blog helped me sort out my head and such and I’ve been quiet too long. I’m not sure if writing it all out will solve my dilemma, but I think it will at least make things more clear and steady. ❤

      Reply

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