Those in Pen’s Life

Extra “Characters”

There are some people (non-alters) I repeatedly talk about in my entries in such a way that I assume you should totally know who I’m talking about.
But this is unfair to expect, especially of new readers.  So below is a brief description of some of the repeat “characters” in my life’s ongoing story.


Current partner
Our relationship started out as a fuckbuddy/FWB relationship (mostly for Charlotte).  However I ended up accidentally pregnant in the late summer/fall of 2011.  He and I moved in together and attempted to play house.  I miscarried 5 months into the pregnancy, causing a terrible bought of depression and self-harm that he didn’t handle well.
Things were pretty roller coaster between us for a couple years (recorded in early blog entries), but currently we’re mostly good.
He’s a former Army medic, current EMT, and swings towards an Aspergers-like personality (not good with emotions)
He does not know about my DID (at least in a direct way- though I doubt he’s a complete idiot), however he is aware of my depression and eating disorder.  He isn’t fantastic at deep emotional stuff but the way he tries at times really means a lot to me.

best friend
A gentleman I’ve been friends with for awhile (met him through Germany, actually) but have become very close to in the past couple years.  He’s a super dork (in a good way, I swear), and a big fan of Marvel, especially Captain America (hence the nickname).  Very into computer geekery, Sci-Fi, MST3K, comics, and other fun things.  I confide to him about my mental-health (the whole 9 yards) and he’s super awesome about it.  The only current “in-person” friend I can text or talk to anytime about anything related to my doldrums or DID. We talk personal dealings with our issues adulting regularly. One of the few people (especially males) that I absolutely trust 100%.

My longest friend. My childhood best friend.  We’ve been friends for over 15 years now.  However, due to our history (she went through a denial phase with my DID) and my natural shyness about a condition I consider extremely embarrassing, I no longer talk about that side of my life with her.
She moved to Germany (hence the nickname) back in 2011 and I miss her dearly. I try to email, Skype, and instant chat as much as possible. The past year we’ve barely talked, mostly due to her withdrawing and me not having to drive to push or pull the friendship back.
She is a sarcastic, tactless, super-intelligent, take-control, beautiful woman.  I admire her ability to say exactly what she means 99% of the time.

Was my closest friend, though we don’t hang out anymore. But she’s mentioned enough in this blog to warrant a blurb.  She’s a fellow Pagan and originally from Texas, hence the nickname.
We have a lot of common interests and when we were close, we tended to spend our time talking about boys, watching dorky stuff on Netflix (a lot of crime shows), and reading books at an incredible rate.

A former coworker I became good friends with.  I’ve confided a bit about my issues with men, the miscarriage, and some depression issues (nothing further). We both struggled with attempting the mess that is dating together for 6 months before I settled back with Army and she decided to be stag for awhile.
She enjoys horror movies like me and is a bit of a barfly, which I like because I do love my booze.  It was a big help at work to have someone who understood the frustrating things about my company and department.  And yet, I value our personal friendship more and I’m so happy that we became real friends and not just workplace buddies.

Exes and Abusers 

(not necessarily both)

Abuser– this is the boy who was my neighbor when I was young.  He was my first abuser and what caused the first split/disassociation.  If you want to know further, please see this entry.

Ex/Abuser– My first deep relationship was with this boy, in high school.  He was into some rough stuff sexually and liked “branding” me in various ways as “his”.  Then he decided he’d rather be with Texas and shit sort of went sideways.  It was the first time I went through a huge cutting and eating disorder phase.  It would have been worse if weren’t for the young woman below.

Ex/Abuser–  She has a white knight complex and rescued me from myself after the Uniballer/Texas fiasco.  Then we feel into a deep well of what I thought was love, but was also a lot of codependency issues.  She knows about the DID.
She enjoyed establishing a deep and separate relationship with each alter.  She was extremely controlling and would not allow me to socialize without her approval. I was with her for almost 5 years.
When she dumped me, it was a huge backlash for my system that ultimately had me in a psych ward and one of the alters (Audrey) disappeared for years. There is a lot of dissension in our system over whether she is truly an abuser or not.


One of my brothers (the one I mainly discuss in this blog).  He’s about 10 years younger than me. I spent a lot of my childhood helping raise him; I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  He’s been very supporting of my issues, and is the only family member aware of my alters.
We also live together in my house. Though we have conflict, like many roommates, he deals fairly well with my mental-health stuff and I don’t think a standard roommate would. I let him get away with more than I should because of this, most likely.

My other brother, still a minor. He’s over 15 years younger than me, from a second marriage. He’s a sweet teen but we aren’t super close due to the fact that his father, my stepdad, dislikes me and I avoid spending any time at his house. Sometimes Percy comes to my house though and we have a nice time.

My mom. Pretty obvious.  We used to be particularly close, to the point that my friends made “Gilmore Girls” jokes. The past year it’s pretty much gone downhill though. I don’t have a good idea of why and just sort of assume I’m a shitty person to deal with regularly. I also suspect it may have to do with my stepfather.
She does know about the abuse, and some of my mental-health stuff (to an extent). Not explicitly aware of the alters, but is aware of my disassociation/depression/ED stuff.

My puppy dog.  I got her right around Christmas in 2011 when she was a young puppy.  She’s an Aussie mix and the only thing that saved me from committing suicide after my miscarriage.  She’s now a super sweet girl who is my whole world and loves hiking and walking with me.  She has some stranger issues- but I’m sure that’s influenced by my own subconscious.
There are pictures of her throughout my blog.  Back in 2013 she had a litter of puppies (not on purpose…I’m just apparently a shitty doggy-mommy).  There are some pictures of the pups in the blog as well.IMG_1764

My dad. The relationship is a lot more complicated than with my mom. Even the alters can’t agree on what term to use for him and you will see different ones in different entries (sometimes even in a single entry). He is a former Air Force Captain and holds multiple mathematic/engineering degrees. Logic and reason are very important to him. He doesn’t handle emotion well and trained me early on to function without emotion, at least in his presence. He has kicked me out of his house/life twice so far in my lifetime, but currently things are relatively amicable.
He recently got married and I have two stepsisters I’m not remotely close to. I do seek him out when I need financial or “adulting” type advice (like when I bought my house).

The man our mother married back in my pre-teens. He is a harsh man we’ve never dealt well with. He is extremely controlling and very possessive of what he considers “his” (including his house, his cars, and my youngest brother Percy). My mother has tried leaving him a couple times due to his harsh nature and lack of respect; he turns on the charm (and finances) and she comes back. I don’t really blame her that much. Most recently, he’s gone out of his way to help her care for her ailing parents so she feels rather stuck. It’s the one issue my mother and I occasionally have. You know, as much as two people who both avoid confrontation like hell can have an “issue”.


A gentleman I was friends with since high school.  He became a deep point of support at times for me.  There were a couple attempts of furthering this relationship, but due to various things it wasn’t remotely successful.  I tried exploring a romantic relationship with him, but it pretty much went disastrously and we’re no longer friends. One of the few people who was told about the DID thing.

Shadow Dragon:
A woman I used to live with briefly when I had a housing crisis.  She was nice enough to offer me help during that time of need.  However, she also had a lot of similar mental-health issues and it just caused a whole clusterfuck that made it hard to remain friends.  After I found an apartment, I tried to remain friendly but it pretty much hit a brick wall.  I don’t really dwell on it as she has her own life she needs to worry about and could probably do it better without additional mental people in her life.

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