Category Archives: Kit

Letter to Father

Dear Dad,

I don’t understand why the universe is the way it is. I know you’re a realist but I can’t make myself be that every moment like I’d like. I don’t understand why people like Rogers who do so little adulting, don’t try to look for a job or way of income; keep getting these windfalls that allow them to continue living in the avoidance way of life they’re used to.

Meanwhile I work so hard at trying to get the sort of position that could actually handle my bills and way of life and come up wanting every time. So many job applications. A handle of interviews. Nothing further. At all.

I won’t say “it isn’t fair” because you and I both know that’s a trite excuse for the cards the universe deals each and every person. I get that it isn’t supposed to be fair.

But it certainly isn’t easy to process or handle or deal with.

And I can’t deal. I would if I could but there’s only so many “no’s” and turn downs a person can take. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I don’t have the drive, desire, or energy to continue to try to discover how to solve this problem.

I don’t have the friends or relationships to give me any level of support to get through these black thoughts. I learned early to not share those inner thoughts and keep that mask on, but usually I had at least one person in my life I could let it slip with a bit.

No longer.

It’s exhausting having to keep this mask on all the time. I just can’t keep doing it like I have.

I just want to sleep.

Take care and enjoy all that perfect family portrait life that Teresa’s family offers. It’s better that way anyway.

I was always the black sheep in everything.

-K

Letter to Germany

1 Reply

Dear Germany,

I remember when we went to see Captain America before you left (hah, was it really that long ago that the Avengers were a new thing?) and I cried when Bucky fell out of the train and Steve had to mourn losing him. You thought I was a dork. I totally was. But I think now, I may have been that sort of precognizant dork that recognized a loss of my own coming. There is no one I’ve encounter that I have the bond with that I had with you. I suppose part of that is age. Such is being an adult. The world is your own; wholely.

God know Rogers has been a good friend. I can’t really fault him in any way. I’ve been withdraw for years now. There’s no new friend who could get under my skin and into my soul like you did back in the day.

Obviously not anymore.

Honestly, I don’t know whether we truly ever had it like that. Did we? Or was it just the innocence of youth that sort of gave us those rose-tinted glasses and the idea of this other person that could be part of our soul (without the messy romantic bullshit).

It was a beautiful idea regardless. Whether a lie or not.

These days feel like shadows. I can’t recapture that ideal of before no matter how much I reach. It could be that I’m not trying hard enough, but my ability is such that I’m not able to try harder. I would that I could. Such is my mantra for the moment. For the year. For this lifetime.

I would that I could.

There was so much shit in high school. So much. And yet, I would pry out the bit of idealistic friendship I had there for a couple years if I could. Because god knows I’ve never found it since. There is nothing wrong with my current group of friends. I know they try. But I just don’t open my soul like I used to. I don’t let anyone, platonic or otherwise, pry their way into that dark dank recess of what used to be a giving and loving place.

Obviously no longer.

I don’t have any magic excuses or apologies really to give you. I’m a selfish person at this point I suppose. Or weak. Or tired. Whatever you want to brand me with is fine. You’ve had your own thing now an entire ocean away anyhow. I’m sure I’ve be relegated to a blip on your radar at this point. And it’s fine. Distance is a bitch.

So is life.

-K

Self-sabotage and wishing

8 Replies

I know it’s bad when I can’t shoot vodka or rum. Just the attempts almost had me vomiting.

They want me to feel this heartbreak. Won’t even let me drown these worthless emotions.

Thankfully, Victoria helped me manage Vicodin and T4. I won’t say how much. I don’t think it will kill me, but I sort of hope it does. I don’t think so though. Middi and Rika have too much control and they know exactly how much is too much.

Why can’t I deal with pain and heartbreak normally?
Why can’t I even deal with confrontation verbally?
I don’t remember most of this afternoon.
Mute “recorded” some of it internally for me, as Mute does when it’s out, but there are others who were out that won’t share.
One must have been Victoria or Daria, as I vomited a few times.
One was definitely Char or Middi- my clothes reek of cigarettes.

Claire actually screamed/yelled at Charlotte. She showed true anger. That never happens. And Charlotte took it. Didn’t fight back at all. But she’s also my main ally in taking these pills, so I know she isn’t guilt free. Claire refuses to talk to anyone now. Even Roms.
______________________________________________________________

Things are over with Jeff. Completely. Obviously it’s my fault. Completely. I sabotaged it. Like I do with all my relationships. I don’t know if I’ll even have any friends left in a couple days….

______________________________________________________________

Well that would be because the fuckhead can’t keep his goddamn mouth shut. You just fucking vent anonymously on a blog, but he decides to fucking vent to people who already love to fucking judge us and shit-talk us at the drop of a hat.
But we don’t fucking need friends. This is what happens when you fucking expose your fucking weaknesses like that. Fucking men aren’t trustworthy. Take a goddamn leaf out of Charlotte’s book and just use them for sex. At least she doesn’t reveal deep fucking personal system secrets. Or get fucking attached. You fucking romantic drama fucking queens. All of you.
______________________________________________________________

I don’t know where to go from here.

I wish the one-night stand situation with James, The Stranger, had gone further south.

I wish he had killed us.

Birdemic!!!!!

2 Replies

I’ve now had a couple various friends ask me to come to this Rifftrax Birdemic screening thing on October 25th.

For those of you who don’t know, Rifftrax is this awesome thing the old Mystery Science Theatre guys do where they still make fun of movies. However, instead of the usual crap-tastic B-rated crap flicks (which I love) that they just sit in front of and rip on, you buy the Rifftrax audio file separately and sync it up to a Blockbuster hit. A way to get around that pesky copyright legal junk.

I can’t really comment too much on it, as I’ve only heard part of the Inception one because my tablet doesn’t like their audio files for some reason. Now, what I head was hilarious, so I’m sure they’re awesome.

But to be honest, I’m going to this Birdemic thing mostly for the company. And this will be a little closer to their normal MST3K stuff, where they’ll be actively commenting on some godawful B-rated flick. So I’m sort of excited.

I’m hoping it’ll be a nice way to ease back into socializing and being a “normal person” (whatever that is).

Things have been a bit crazy internally the past couple days, but this isn’t the post to talk about that.

This post is for BIRDEMIC!!

Practically Friendless

10 Replies

Hello.

It’s been a while.

A long while.

Things went…completely to shit for the past couple weeks. I don’t remember most of it, as the switching was ridiculous.

It pretty much started with my ex, Katherine, contacting me out of the blue. Really for no reason. I don’t know why I answer the phone.

Ok, I don’t answer the phone. Obviously. I have no idea who did, honestly. There were a couple who talked to her throughout the conversation. But most of us don’t have any interest in remaining acquainted with her. Except for that alter who answer the phone- when the rest of us wanted to throw it against the wall.
And all it did was send us into a tailspin and what she said make me turn into my normal ostrich coward-self.

I had another mini-hibernation session, so to speak.

After the crippling conversations and texts from Katherine, Charlotte decided to run amok.
It was a disaster. None of us never really been a person who thinks about carrying weapons around, but last weekend, we all had a desire to start carrying a gun (at least in the car). Charlotte made a stupid, stupid decision that could have cost us our very livelihood.

We still have bruises. Though to be fair, she started that part.

If it hadn’t been for a firm direction on Shadow Dragon’s part, we would have let him pick us up and drive us all the way to Buttfuck, Nowhere, over an hour from our house.

And been stuck.

Thank god we drove.
The drink we were given…we are suspicious of something possibly being in it. It was a simple bottle or two of hard cider we drank, but even Rika couldn’t shake the cobwebs enough to drive home until the morning.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

This is only now coming completely to light. I wasn’t even completely aware of it until Saturday.

Saturday, when all the walls came down and all us alters decided to just be honest and work together for one simple day so we didn’t end up downing a bottle or two of narcotics.

October 6th, one year ago, we miscarried. And it was the worse day of our life.

It’s been a huge chunk of what’s caused all this triggery switching and stupid destructive behavior. Sabotaging relationships. It’s what we do best.

We don’t deserve to be even liked.

And so, despite most of my friendships being currently down the toilet, I can’t really be mad at Midori or Claire for talking to Katherine.
I can’t be mad at Charlotte for acting like a self-destructive slut. After all, it’s coping mechanisms that were creating years and years ago because they had a semblance of success. They need to unlearn years of knee-jerk responses to our psyche swirling the drain.

Or maybe not. Maybe it’s best if we just stay “that sort of girl”.

Our friends are better off anyway.

Windchimes

5 Replies

Windchimes has been a codeword used by us, our system, and friends for over a decade now. It’s always been a serious sort of warning, a secret in-crowd sort of all-encompassing “there is danger ahead, check yourself”.

It was written on the inside of my car’s windshield tonight.

I don’t know how long it’s been there. It’s writen in the thin layer of smudgey grime that’s built up on my windshield since the thorough cleaning I gave it back in April. Because of this, the word is only truly visible at night when it’s hit just right by a streetlight or passing car’s headlights.

This is the first evening I’ve driven since last week. It could have been scrawled at any time over the past couple days.

I also have no idea what it’s referring to. My job? My health? Internal (switchy-type) stuff? I dunno.

I just know that when I think about it, I get this scary sinking feeling in my stomach.

And no one is fessing up.

Windchimes. A warning. A serious warning. I know none of my system would ever use that codeword as a joke.

But a warning for what?

Rough Weekend (and apologies to all of you)

3 Replies

This weekend sucked.

I don’t really remember what caused the previous post. Obviously it was from Victoria, not me.
I do know that Friday night was a swirl of triggering from the storm and reflection on our life so far. Not sure why we were thinking about all that.

Okay. That’s a lie. Heh. Obviously don’t want to lie to myself, especially after the last post. I won’t do that.

I do know why we’ve been so reflect-y lately, but I don’t want to talk about it. Right now at least.

There was some self-harm, but it saved us from being even stupider, as it usually does. Victoria knows what she’s doing sometimes. I have a respect for her that I can’t seem to find for Daria at all, even though deep down, I know she technically serves a purpose too. But her violence towards Charlotte is unacceptable.

This weekend sucked because of Friday night but also after that, as we had a wicked bought of hypertension, migraine, nausea, and pain that kept us in bed (or the bathroom for throwing up) for the rest of the weekend.

So so much thanks and love to Shadow Dragon, who took lovely care of me over the weekend, even though she didn’t have to.

I’m still not sure about eating much, as even late last night when I attempted simple corn chips, my stomach was not happy.

I have managed a cup of hot apple cider, which is my comfort drink fall-back. It seems to have worked to settle it temporarily. I’ll try real food in a bit.

I obviously haven’t been online checking blogs or commenting, and I apologize for that.
I also apologize for the delay in my replies to your lovely comments of support on my last entry.
I did read them Saturday morning and even though I couldn’t bring myself to reply then, they meant so much to me and really made me feel better.

Thank you for being there when I had it rough.

I’m going to try to get back into the swing of the blogging circle here. Hopefully you’ll be patient with me. I’m having a really hard time reading others’ entries lately…

I know it’s unfair to make these connections and then just suddenly not be able to handle reading other people’s problems due to triggering and unstable-ness we’re having. That seems just terribly wrong.

I’m still here and supporting all of you, even if I can’t manage to read your concerns and comment. I’m so very sorry.

I also can’t talk about today’s Suicide Prevention Day. I know it’s important and you guys are great for posting about it. But I’m not strong enough at the moment. Especially after Friday.

Warm thoughts to all of you.

-Kit

Do’s and Don’ts of Miscarriages

2 Replies

Miscarriage – What not to say.

I just read the above entry because I was looking for something to distract me from what’s been feeling like an impending breakdown for a day or two now.

This helped.

Everyone should know what this wise khloeee posted.