Triggers of pregnancy

I knew this would happen.

I mean, that I would eventually be triggered.

I didn’t expect it to be in this way….

________

So of course I have to tell Army about Zoe being pregnant.  I mean, not only is he like- lets say a godfather to her, but he’s over at my place occasionally.  He’s gonna notice at some point.

I expected him to be annoyed at me for not keeping a better eye on Zoe.

He was not.

He is ecstatic.  He is begging me to contact him the moment I know she’s in labor so he can be there.  He wants to help her as much as possible.

Everything just….just the complete opposite of how he responded to me a year and a half ago.

So now I mean less than a dog.  And puppies are much more important than a-

No.

I won’t say it.

If I don’t say it, then it isn’t real.

I feel that fracturing and I don’t want it.  I can’t have it.

splits and cracks and bones and blood and lets hurt him- lets maim him.  like he maimed us.  have the blood and the pain and the hurt-

I have too much to do.  I have to work on getting a car.  I have to keep things afloat at work-

Has she told you how work is going?  I am doing my best to keep things from falling apart, but the program is going badly and turnover is decreasing exponentially.  There is a high chance that I will have to shoulder the blame.  Despite it not being remotely my fault.  I may end up being fired.  I cannot be fired.  I do not get fired.  I am good at my job.  I am an excellent multi-tasker with exceptional attention to detail.  I am highly motivated by deadlines and task lists-

I don’t want to fracture.  I don’t want to start losing time again.  I just want to be normal.

But I don’t want to listen to him coo and smile over her.  I don’t want to hear that.  I don’t want to watch it.  I can’t.  I can’t.  I can’t.

Don’t worry.  You won’t have to.

In which I almost get fired

I had a dream Saturday that I got fired.

Last week we signed these new Federal Personal Information Privacy agreements that basically means that we cannot leave a single client file in our desk drawer any longer.  All files must be returned to the centralized locking cabinet by the end of the business day (or any time I am not present at my desk- i.e. a break).

It’s been frustrating as hell.

Oh, and did I mention that if we don’t adhere, we can get fired?

Back to Saturday night.  I dreamed that I got fired because I left a file in my drawer over the holiday weekend.

When I woke up Sunday, I realized that I had actually left a file in my drawer Wednesday.  Accidentally, of course.  I proceed to freak out- causing Army to try and calm me down and remind me that nothing can be done until Monday morning anyway.
(Sidenote: yes, we spent most of the weekend with Army.  Being that romance is not my area however, I will leave it someone else to update the blog with a post regarding that. It was a pleasant weekend besides the bad dream though.)

This morning rolls around and when Texas calls me on my way to work, asking me to swing by her place after, I joke that it may be earlier than my normal quitting time as I might be getting fired today.  I seem calm but inside I am screaming, crying, hating myself.  It takes a lot of strength between myself and Rika to not let Victoria or Daria take this self-hatred out physically.  But the recent pact with Army is still fresh for most of us (more on that in the future).

When I reach my office, I immediately check my desk drawer.  Perhaps I am incorrect in my memory and I really did properly restore the file to the central cabinet last Wednesday.  I am not a superstitious alter, but I cross my fingers anyway.

A file sits calmly on top; so obvious; so conniving; yelling for a supervisor to find it and terminate me.

I quickly open Microsoft Outlook on my computer and check my email.  No stern emails from my supervisor.  I scan my desk.  No post-its about seeing him.

I do a normal perusal of the department’s calendar and notice my Saving Grace.

“[Supervisor] attending Ohio Housing Conference all day”

I may be starting to lean a little more towards Roms’ theories of there being a “bigger picture” now.

I also quickly create a post-it with garish colors and big blocky letters: “CHECK”.  I tape it above my desk drawers.  I will notice it every day before I leave.

I will not be fired over being a scatterbrain.  I am better than that.

Work Reward

I had a meeting with my supervisor today when I first came in about my program review process.  It was all praise.  He wishes for me to complete a manual so we can have it to show the state, which should lead to our grant being approved.

But I also found out….

I did get a raise!

In fact, I technically got in a month ago- it’s just no one informed me.  It should be reflected on my next paycheck.  I am so very excited and proud.  I have worked my tail off at this job and I love it so much.

I was starting to get nervous about my pay rate, as my cost of living was starting to be too much for my paychecks to handle.  It was making me extremely nervous and sad to have to consider the possibility of finding employment elsewhere.
Despite my supervisor driving me nuts sometimes (who’s doesn’t, though?), I really do enjoy my job and I feel very fulfilled here.
I help people in their time of need.  I get to be an activist against the banks so that someone who has had a rough time gets to stay in their home.  It’s a worthwhile career.  And such a relief to not have to worry about leaving.

Thank you universe, for making sure I could stay. 

A Gentlemanly Morning

The universe is still trying apparently.

I don’t talk a lot about my spiritual or personal-type (i.e. religious) beliefs on here because I’ve learned through experience that 99% of people really don’t want to hear it.

But I’m not atheist, or agnostic. But I’m also not particularly devout and I hesitate to even use the term “religious”. It’s not that I believe in a giant person-type being sitting up in the clouds staring down at me and poking and prodding at my life.

Makes me think of a child with a magnifying glass, gleefully looking at ants too much- creepy.

I also don’t believe there’s absolutely nothing.  There are too many surprising and amazing things in this world, even with the horrible and scary. And of course I know there are horrible awful things that a supernatural being should pay attention to and try to prevent, at least a bit more.
Okay, fine, maybe it’s entirely just universal coincidence, but it makes me feel not so hopeless and stupid and useless if I at lease pretend otherwise.

Anyway, this morning I was feeling shitty.
I slept awful, I woke up feeling awful, I felt useless with SD’s anxiety about her children, my shower was just another moment of time spent with an uncovered body I currently hate, driving to work was full of too many stupid and bad drivers (it’s raining, which in Ohio means drivers become extra-dumbass).

Then I arrived at work and got out of my car and walked towards my office building. I was angry with myself for wearing my black moccasins, which are incredibly comfortable (hence why I wore them), but terribly impractical for all the puddles in the alley from the parking garage to my building.

Then I notice a crowd of construction men hanging around the back entrance to my office building.  I begin to feel uncomfortable, as in the downtown area of my city, those kind of men tend to make uncomfortable jives at me. I begin to quicken my pace to get past them as soon as possible when the universe steps in to pull a 180 on my day.

One of the men meets my eyes and smiles, then goes to open one of the doors of the building.  Another opens the other door and the remaining two move to the side.  They all tip their hats at me and say a polite “good afternoon ma’am” as I walk through the open double doorway like I’m in a movie.

My smile is quick, and my mood isn’t entirely lifted, but my day feels a little brighter.

Serefina’s Shit-Fit

Okay. I am usually a very calm and collected person. But I need to vent a bit.

I’ve been a paralegal (at least part-time) for 6 years. I was a Purchasing and A/R agent for 4 and a half years.  I practically ran a whole office that grossed $100 thousand a year during that time.

I’ve easily adjusted to this Housing Assistance job we got back in March that requires extensive knowledge of legal foreclosure proceedings as well as intimate knowledge of multiple financial grant programs.  I increased productivity within days, and reduced almost all file errors within weeks.

Within a mere two months I became the top expert at our entirely company on the entire Ohio Restoring Stability (RSS) program.

Yet I still make less than $800 a month.  Not because of the pay rate, which actually isn’t that bad, but because I can’t even go over 20 hours a week.  Yet I have stacks of files waiting for me every day and get chewed out constantly about “pushing productivity further”. I’m only one person with extremely limited time and I can only work with what I’m given.

Not to mention I also occasionally assist three different counselors because they won’t hire true assistants for each one, despite the workload demanding it (and more).  We lost our RSS counselor three months ago and I’ve been doing her job, her responsibility- without her pay, benefits, or recognition.

This is because I can’t be a full RSS counselor, as Ohio’s stipulations on being an accredited financial counselor requires at least 6 months of experience shadowing of another counselor or Bachelor’s degree in finance/accounting.  They aren’t counting my first month or two (claiming it was all administrative), so I’m a couple months away from even “qualifying”.

And now they want me to train the new counselor in RSS.  My supervisor claims it’s a “temporary” thing and that I’ll be elevated to counselor status as soon as I’m certified, and they’ll switch this new counselor to some other program or function.

So I’m supposed to still stay at less than $800 a month, but train someone to know the RSS program as intimately as me??? That is just…just-
I know life isn’t fair. Of course I know, I mean, I’m a flippin’ alter in the broken mind of an abuse victim.
I’m also competent as hell.  I’ve single-handedly kept this system afloat at times. I am goddamn amazing and I know it.

I don’t deserve to be forced into training my own boss.

Caffeine

I am frustrated with my lack (or perhaps someone else’s…grr) of foresight to bring enough caffeine for me to work on getting our office’s foreclosure workshop for this evening fully prepared.

I shall be able to manage, I’m sure, but it would be a lot easier if I had the wondrous drug of keeping me awake.

I’m also trying not to get too distraught over the idea of how much socializing I will have to do with clients, city officials, and attorneys at the event tonight.

At least our mother will be there. Long story. Wait. Maybe not. Our department supervisor said he needed a couple attorneys at the workshop to speak about the legal aspects of foreclosure, so we offered him our mother’s number. There. Not so long a story.

I will not cause a switching frenzy. I can do this. I can do this.

-Serefina

The Work/Job Aspect

I’ve been handling the work aspects of this system for many years now.

Our jobs have entailed highly complex analytical and logical aspects since the first time we were gainfully employed. It is the main reason that a lot of doctors/therapists have hesitated to diagnose us with an official DID disorder. They don’t find it “feasible” that someone who has dealt with lost time, multiple personalities, abuse and neglect as a child could handle any sort of career that involve legal expertise and adhering to state and federal financial program guidelines.

I am proud to say that I have (at times, single-handedly) managed to keep us from total financial destitution by forcing myself to handle our day-to-day employment despite struggling with triggers, switching, and self-destructive alters.

The trouble becomes that I’ve been given a label of “protector alter” because I am able to overcome any other alter (at least in a job situation, I’ve not tried in other situations) and my “always-sober” aspect. That is, if another alter has taken something, be it drugs or alcohol, it does not affect me.

However, I’m not really sure if protector is a correct designation for myself. Rika is the one who can take over at will in any situation where the body needs protecting. Granted, I’ve never attempted that, but that is because I’ve had no compulsion to.

I don’t find protecting the body my primary care or goal. I find myself concerned primarily with making sure we do well at work. And I excel at this. Because of the way I’ve tailored myself in the system, I detest social situations.

But today our office is having a bowling event where attendance is mandatory. I’m not sure how best to handle this social/work situation. I do not wish to socialize or bowl, but I suspect business will be discussed and the social-type alters have no idea how to respond to such topics.

I have a mere three hours to discover some sort of happy-medium solution. Perhaps we can manage a dual-switching comfortably for a couple hours. Normally rapid repeated switching gives the body severe pain, migraines, dizziness, and exacerbates the medical condition we’ve been diagnosed with.

Perhaps I can just suck up my distaste for socializing for one evening.

-Serefina