I knew this would happen.
I mean, that I would eventually be triggered.
I didn’t expect it to be in this way….
So of course I have to tell Army about Zoe being pregnant. I mean, not only is he like- lets say a godfather to her, but he’s over at my place occasionally. He’s gonna notice at some point.
I expected him to be annoyed at me for not keeping a better eye on Zoe.
He was not.
He is ecstatic. He is begging me to contact him the moment I know she’s in labor so he can be there. He wants to help her as much as possible.
Everything just….just the complete opposite of how he responded to me a year and a half ago.
So now I mean less than a dog. And puppies are much more important than a-
I won’t say it.
If I don’t say it, then it isn’t real.
I feel that fracturing and I don’t want it. I can’t have it.
splits and cracks and bones and blood and lets hurt him- lets maim him. like he maimed us. have the blood and the pain and the hurt-
I have too much to do. I have to work on getting a car. I have to keep things afloat at work-
Has she told you how work is going? I am doing my best to keep things from falling apart, but the program is going badly and turnover is decreasing exponentially. There is a high chance that I will have to shoulder the blame. Despite it not being remotely my fault. I may end up being fired. I cannot be fired. I do not get fired. I am good at my job. I am an excellent multi-tasker with exceptional attention to detail. I am highly motivated by deadlines and task lists-
I don’t want to fracture. I don’t want to start losing time again. I just want to be normal.
But I don’t want to listen to him coo and smile over her. I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want to watch it. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
Don’t worry. You won’t have to.