Tag Archives: 30 Day Challenge

#7 – Cigarettes

#7 – A Vice That Cheers Me Up:

(Note: this vice mostly has to do with Charlotte, so she’s writing this entry, from her perspective)

I have many, many vices.  But most, like the self-harm, sex, and drinking, are pretty much just destructive.

Cigarettes, on the other hand, have some perks.  The mood lifting, the removal of a migraine and lowering of my blood pressuring due to the relaxing of the blood vessels that nicotine does.  I’m entirely aware of the negative impact as well.  But I only smoke about once a week.  A pack will last me about a month, if not two.  And if I can’t afford to buy them, I don’t.


My first smooth drag of that cancer stick was when I, and the body, were sixteen years old.

Germany and I were really close and I was dating Uniballer.

Germany was attempting to date his best friend, Bret.  That day, we getting ready for homecoming and making this huge deal about it.  This involved making some elaborate meal that I can’t even remember for the four of us.
She was very focused on it when she noticed Bret hadn’t been in the house for awhile.  Uniballer was sitting on the couch watching something or playing some video game.  I dunno.

She asked if I would go check on him.  She was worried he was smoking and for some reason, before Germany hit 18, she was extremely anti-smoking (she now occasionally partakes with me).

Bret was totally sneaking a cigarette in the side yard.  I walked up to him and sighed.  He spun around, eyes wide and tried to put the cigarette behind his back.

“Seriously?” I asked, “I’ve already seen it.  Germany’s gonna be pissed. You swore you quit.”  He looked properly shamefaced before he took another drag and looked at me beseechingly.

“Look, I really want to quit. And I’m not trying to be dishonest. It’s just…I’ve never gone to a dance before.  I’ve never taken a girl to a dance.  I’m way nervous about this whole thing.  And Josh seems so relaxed with taking you and I don’t get how he does it.  So I just needed one cigarette to sort of…get me through this.”  He stuttered out.  I stared before I smirked at him.

“You, nervous?” I demanded, relaxing.  I had a bit of a crush on Bret.  Though I knew better than to do anything more than tease him.  Germany is our best friend and mucking things up with her is the ultimate no-no.
But Bret was this bad boy type, ridiculously tall, dark mop of hair, smokey blue-gray colored eyes and a crooked smile.  God save me from crooked smiles.  He smiled back at me in that sexy way he had.

“Shut up.” He said.  I stared at the cigarette.  I adored the way it smelled.  He smoked this musky brand that just made sense with his personality.  It made me think of sex.

“Give me a drag.”  I said, reaching out.  He rolled his eyes.  I should mention that Bret was two years older than us, so he was legally smoking these cigarettes.

“These are not for kiddies.”  He argued.  I gave him my full patented sexy-Charlotte look.

“I am not a kid.  Give me a fucking drag.” I paused, seeing him still hesitate, “If you share, the cigarette will be entirely a secret.  If you don’t, I tell Germany I caught you.”  I warned.  I had no problem with blackmail.  He chuckled.

“Wow. Didn’t realize how much of a firecracker you are. All right.  Here.”  He offered it to me and our fingers brushed a bit longer than necessary.  He raised an eyebrow at me as I easily held it between two fingers and brought it my mouth, inhaling smoothly.

“Never smoked, huh? I dunno.  Most people cough their first time.”  He said teasingly.  I winked at him.

“Guess you’ll never know.”  I took another drag.  He groaned.

“You said one drag!” He started to grab for it as I twirled out of his reach.

“I think half a cigarette is enough to bolster your courage for tonight.” I retorted, trying to finish off the cigarette.  He grabbed my wrist roughly and I froze automatically, triggered into that state Uniballer preferred.
With his other hand, he pulled the butt easily from my fingers and sucked one last draw, still holding my wrist, before he saw my expression.  He dropped my arm immediately.

“Sorry.” He said quickly.  “I didn’t…mean to grab you.”  He stamped out the butt with the toe of his boot and looked at me carefully.  “Are you all right?”

In that moment, I wondered if he knew about the stuff Uniballer was into.  They were best friends after all.  And he seemed to see something on my face that embarrassed him.

He touched my shoulder gently.  I glanced at him and blinked.

“Yeah. Fine.” I clipped.  He started to say something else when I heard the side door open behind us.  I turned, expecting Germany to bust us smoking, but it was Uniballer.  Bret jumped guiltily away from me. Uniballer frowned at us.

“What’s going on?” His tone was angry and I smelled trouble.  Punishment would be coming. Bret stepped forward and replied easily.

“She was asking what I wanted to drink.  Apparently dinner’s almost ready and she’s getting the table ready.”  He glanced back at me, “Coke’s fine.”

I nodded and quickly walked back to the door, passing by Uniballer.  He snagged my elbow and I froze.  He leaned close, looking at me carefully.

“You smell like his cigarettes.” He hissed.  I didn’t answer, waiting for him to release me before I hurried in and set the table for our meal.

I sampled a couple more of Bret’s cigarettes over the next couple weeks, always in secret, and always with that strange and exhilarating tension between the two of us.

But after some nasty things went down with Bret and Uniballer (that I can’t get into right now) and Bret disappeared, I found I couldn’t stand the smell of his brand of cigarettes anymore.

Now I smoke either Parliaments or American Spirits.  I love the smooth, burning sensation, the tingling of nicotine in my mouth.

And I love the social aspect of it.  Splitting a cigarette with a friend and talking about nothing.  Some of the best conversations I’ve had with Germany, with Grey, with Texas, etc., have been over a pack of cigarettes.  It mellows people out and let’s them open up.

And it’s so tough to open up.

I already suck

Well. This is supposed to be a post about the Renaissance Festival, since I did go today.  But I’m not going to do it.

First of all, the visit was rather crummy.  The weather was crummy and the company wasn’t who I’d hoped for (with the exception of Texas, I did want her there),

And I feel awful today.  I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong.  It feels like I’ve been beaten up both on the outside and on the inside, especially my stomach and chest area.  I just took my blood pressure and it’s sky high, of course.

If this tells you anything- I managed a single pickle at the Ren Fest. That’s how sick I feel. I love pickles.  I am known in my family and circle of friends for finishing a huge wholesale sized jar in a single day.
Every time I go to Ren Fest I eat a minimum of three pickles.

I hate that I could only handle one.  And my stomach is pretty angry for that one too.  I wanted to get an apple dumpling, but definitely couldn’t manage that.  I spent most of my money on soft drinks to try and settle my tummy (Coke helps my nausea).

Then Texas made dinner for a group of us this evening and it tasted weird.  I would say it was the lack of mustard (my favorite condiment), but I had a glass of water here at home to take some pills and it tasted weird.  And then the cigarette I had tasted weird (please don’t lecture me on the whole smoking and high BP thing.  My BP is high even when I don’t smoke).
I think it’s me.

And I ended up throwing up the dinner right before I went home anyway.  My stomach is very upset. I hate it.

So I suppose this is me saying I have to take a hiatus.  Hopefully.  Maybe this 30 Day Challenge was a terrible idea.  I should just quit.

I really don’t want to go back to the hospital…

#1 – Hosting a Party

#1 – A Role That Cheers Me Up:
Hosting a Party

Yesterday I hosted a surprise (and belated) birthday party for a friend of mine.  I haven’t hosted a party since way before I sunk into this downward spiral of depression and mental-misery.  I think the last one was a birthday BBQ for Germany over a year ago.

I love hosting parties.  I love planning them, buying supplies for them, getting my place ready, baking, cooking, setting up games/movies and such, welcoming people, making sure they have enough food and drink, etc., etc.

I hosted my first true party back in high school.  It was a Halloween scary movie sleepover for a bunch of girl classmates.

I was instantly hooked.  I’d been to other people’s parties before and I didn’t enjoy them usually.  I hate the forced social expectations that just would make me awkward.  But I discovered in hosting, I had this measure of control.  And it was exhilarating.

I’ve hosted many, many, many parties over the years.  Some were fantastic and are still talked about.  Some were awful. And are unfortunately still talked about.  I suppose either way they tend to be memorable.

My Halloween ones were a big thing for years, until I wasn’t able to do one last year.  I miscarried in October and was no where near a good place mentally to plan and host a party. I didn’t even want to celebrate Halloween- which says a lot.
In fact, I’m a little nervous about this October as I’m already feeling that one year anniversary of that horrible week creeping up on me and I don’t want to think about it, but I can’t seem to make myself not think about it…
Ahem. Happy thoughts.

Hence this 30 Day challenge to try and shake the crippling blues!

The party last night seems to have been a success, though it was a little more relaxed and just simple “hanging out” than most of my parties.

I drank too much due to my extreme nervousness at having a party for the first time in over a year.  Let’s just say the party was in full swing at about 6 or 6:30pm and I was generously tipsy at 4pm…>_>

I did manage to contain a couple alter-freak-outs/triggers.

The first was when I went to check on my cat in my old bedroom and someone had moved my old ballerina jewelry box near the doorway.  Armes was triggered and slipped out and curled up, winding it to play while she sucked her thumb and cried, having flashbacks.
She won’t tell me of what.  She hasn’t parted with a lot of her memories of the body’s early abuses. But she only did that for a couple minutes, and then I was able to return to the party, no one the wiser.

Then later a friend spilled a full cup of a mixed drink onto the carpet.
Due to my father being out of town, I was hosting the party at his house (it’s big enough for a comfortable party and has a big flatscreen TV).  We immediately started freaking out about ruining Dad’s carpet and Rika popped out and cussed up a storm at our friend.
Thankfully he seems to just have attributed it to the mess and us being drunk (though Rika instantly sobered of course).  And he kept trying to pet and massage our head which just triggered me or Roms to come out, so Rika wasn’t able to keep control anyway.

The night ended well and I’m glad I got to do a role I enjoy so much.

Below are some snapshots I took (or Texas took of me….) during the prep and the party itself. Sorry they’re so blurry. My drunk-hands take crummy pictures and Texas can’t figure out how to work my tablet.


Official 30 Things That Cheer You Up

Here you are. I have finally come up with it! I had help from Germany, Texas, and Shadow Dragon!

I will give the questions in this post, and then add the answer and link when I write a post regarding it.  Feel free to snag the idea! It’s free!

Since I’m in the Midwest USA timezone, the first day will actually not be posted about until tomorrow night (24-ish hours from now), as here it’s still Friday, August 31st currently.

I’m actually looking forward to this a lot! I’m hoping to include a lot of pictures of me enjoying said things/activities too 🙂

Note: the topics are in no particular order

30 Things That Cheer You Up  (Rika: 30 Things That We Give a Flying Shit About)

              1. A role that cheers you up: hosting a party
              2. A food that cheers you up
              3. An event that cheers you up
              4. An animal that cheers you up
              5. A hobby that cheers you up
              6. An outside activity that cheers you up
              7. A vice that cheers you up: cigarettes
              8. A holiday that cheers you up
              9. A movie (or genre, if you’re like me and can’t pick just one) that cheers you up
              10. A TV show that cheers you up
              11. A spiritual/religious thing that cheers you up
              12. A physical activity that cheers you up
              13. A place that cheers you up
              14. A beauty/self-image thing that cheers you up
              15. A friend who always cheers you up
              16. A family (blood or chosen) member who cheers you up
              17. A “childish/little-type activity” that cheers you up
              18. Something scary that also can cheer you up
              19. Something related to music that cheers you up
              20. A drink (not necessarily alcoholic) that cheers you up
              21. An embarrassing thing about yourself that also tend to cheer you up
              22. A loner-type activity that cheers you up
              23. A cheering activity you love sharing with others
              24. A cheering activity you’re shy to or loathe to share with others
              25. A cheering activity you can completely lose yourself in
              26. A type of weather that cheers you up
              27. A clothing item that cheers you up
              28. A book that cheers you up
              29. A song that cheers you up
              30. Something new/never tried before that could cheer you up in the future!

Two small notes

Just wanted to mention two things.  This isn’t a real post-post, just a couple things to clear up.

Sorry for clogging up your reader.

1.  We changed the theme on the blog. It’s because despite liking the aesthetic look of the previous one, it didn’t allow us to do a lot of the navigation we needed to.  It wouldn’t even do a simple drop down list for the pages so we could show more than three. Hence the switch.  Apologies if it looks awful to you.

2. Kit’s back (you may have noticed some little changes in tone of entries, the category the entry was marked it, or our “Meet the Alters” page being slightly modified).
The 30 Day Challenge is actually her idea to try and smooth things back into where she likes them mentally.  She has firmly pushed Daria down though and made Charlotte a bit more comfortable. Things are starting to resemble some normality…


So the theme I ended up pinning down is “30 Days of Stuff That Use to Really Cheer Me Up”.

Hm. I should probably try and figure out a shorter way to say that.

Rika wanted to call it “Things I Used to Give a Shit About” but that seems a bit excessive.

Unfortunately, I’ve only come up with 24 things.  I’m doing it in advance so that I won’t get bogged down by that apathy of depression and go “Ehhhh, I ran out of ideas. I give up.”

But obviously I suck already.

I sent an email to Germany and Texas requesting additional items (if anyone would know, they would).

Hopefully they’ll be able to complete the list and then I can begin!

30 Days bandwagon

I’ve decided to jump on this blogging world 30 day phenomena.

The post earlier about Red Dwarf made me realize that when I focused on something that used to make me happy and instantly elevate my mood, it lifted my mood a bit. So I’m going to tailor this idea into something to make my September productive with this depression, insomnia, eating disorder, switching craziness, and general crummy feeling.

My plan is to format into something like my memory lane strolls.  It’ll start with my first memory of said thing or activity, then my more recent. And perhaps my favorite if it happens to fall in between.

All the alters plan to participate with the ones that they care about or involve them.

It will start Saturday, (September 1st!) with “Hosting a party”.

What do you guys think?