Coping with blackout results

Apparently during Shit Week (last week) when things were pretty blackout switchy, some fun was had with the credit card.

Normally, I’d send them back for a refund (stuff like this has happened before), but upon further reflection…they’re pretty cute.

Also, the most comfortable heels I’ve ever put on my feet. So long story short, it appears the burgundy fox heels are staying.

We still aren’t quite fully co-conscious like earlier this year and last year. That will probably take more time. But there seems to be more “camaraderie”, so to speak. Less blackouts and more just straight up switching. Walls are temporarily windows.

I do hope they shall remain as such.

Attempting Focus

I am scared to leave the bedroom.

I have hidden the car keys.

Slipping back into the compulsive habits of checking my hair and skin every time it feels like more than a minute has passed. (has it?)
Checking all online media and the cell phone for unknown communications. Checking the usual hiding places for blades or pills.

Habits left over from a girl who learned to survive. The others I’m sure wouldn’t call me that. I’m the part usually overlooked. Much dismissed.

I bring the clocks out and set them around the bedroom. Make sure the batteries are fresh. I can accept the lost time, but I at least want to account for it.

A good six hours gone today. Sucked into the curling smoke of nothing. In fractions and fragments. Nothing seems to be more than 30 minutes. Here and there.

I keep checking to make sure items stay in their hiding places. I keep checking the skin and taking blood pressure. So far no more than bruises and scratches. That I can handle. And the blood pressure is not ideal, but it is not hospital-level. I am determined.

Though I have just as much of a desire to stay far away from doctors while we are like this, I have no desire to put us in direct harm. I am not a suicidal part.

I remain as vigilant as I can for those that are.

-Roms

Blackouts

Having blackouts again.

Things are also quite fractured. No sense of teamwork. I’m just trying to keep somewhat focused so regular medication and hydration can happen at least.

Army visited this weekend and it’s almost entirely a blur or blank. I don’t think he’s the stress causing the blackouts and switching, but it seems to be worse around him.

At a loss for what to do. Communication is also extremely difficult. Haven’t been able to easily discuss what’s going on with any other parts.

I don’t want to talk to a professional about this. Last time the blackouts were this bad, anti-psychotic medication was prescribed (not always taken) and the possibility of hospitalization was urged. We don’t want those at all. Even though the ED becomes very bad and our blood pressure is shooting through the roof.

I’m worried it’s the nitro pills we have to take for the high BP. They’re new. Combined with the stress of this past week.

I don’t know.

I just want to try and keep things semi-coherent. But it’s hard.

I really hate losing time and being so split. It’s drastically better when we work as a team.

I’m at a loss right now. Trying not to get scared. Then I blackout even more.

-Roms

DID Media Spotlight: “The Ward”

(Note: If you haven’t seen this movie, I will completely ruin it for you. The main character having DID is supposed to be a twist. Sorry. This will happen with a couple of my reviews. DID is a common “twist” tactic in suspense/thrillers/horror. Still worth watching in my opinion, but this is my warning for you if you do care.)

(Note 2: Trigger warning for some frank clinical discussion of self-harm. Nothing graphic.)

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Rating: 3.5 Stars (out of a possible 5)

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The plot of The Ward is a bit confusing. At its most basic, the premise is a young woman named Kristen is found in front of a burning farmhouse by police and taken to a psychiatric hospital for treatment, as it appears she lit the farmhouse on fire herself (and possibly injured people?).

I will preface this by saying I am a rather large fan of John Carpenter. And I must give him props for using a common horror trope in a way that didn’t completely offend me like most DID thriller/horror movies. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

As I said before, since I’m dissecting this movie for how it pertains to Dissociative Identity Disorder (or the ol’ title of Multiple Personality Disorder, as it’s referred to in this movie) there will be spoilers ahead. I watched this movie twice so that I could more deeply react to the little “clues” and techniques used knowing that “Kristen” is physically by herself during her stay in the the ward, not accompanied by a couple other young woman, as shown to the audience initially. It’s done decently well. Although I’ll say as a avid fan/student of both the horror genre and someone with DID personally, I recognized what was going on with Kristen pretty early on. The other staff did not interact with the other girls (alters). With the exception of the main therapist/psychiatrist, who does address multiple alters. But only in counseling sessions. And it’s done in such a way that a multiple can tell he’s addressing a multiple.

Now to dissect.

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The Good

#1 No psychopathic killers-  STILL a horror movie!
I truly enjoyed this movie for being the only thriller/horror I’ve ever seen to feature a person diagnosed with DID that did not kill or murder others. The violence in the movie is entirely self-harm related. And handled rather cleverly, if more Hollywood-tized that us average multiple systems, obviously.

The strife between alters is more dramatically violent than my personal systems’ experience, but there could be some argument made that Kristen’s system merely manifests the internal strife and memory/abuse issues differently. The main conflict is that the original personality (Alice) is upset by the alters and doesn’t want them around. The alters, in their fear of being destroyed, have tried repressing (“killed”) the original personality so that they could continue their existence. Though an extreme reaction, I find it realistic in the movie because the therapist was encouraging Alice to “get rid” of the alters. Almost like an “integration” as opposed to co-conscious to function in day-to-day activities.

But Alice wasn’t truly destroyed and she starts trying to fight back against the alters; they start disappearing. Again, extreme for a normal system, but it is a movie. And a horror movie. Still more legit in my opinion than someone like Norman Bates and his alter killing young women regularly.

#2 The alters/personalities
I must say I really enjoy the actual characters themselves. I think they did a good job trying to address a lot of the common archetypes systems tend to develop. I do have one major nitpick, but I’ll get to that in the next section. Mainly though, I could find parts of my own system in the archetypes they had. Unlike United States of Tara, where the personalities are sort of more just these “fun quirky characters” like “housewife” and “redneck” that sometimes serve the more standard coping mechanism of a system (like Buck acting as a protector alter at times), the alters in Alice’s system seem to serve a more standard DID system function. 

#3 Self-harm actually addressed
A sensitive topic, of course, but one that is rarely actually referenced in the media’s interpretation of DID. But in “The Ward” it’s addressed not in one, but two ways! There’s the more standard self-harming alter (Emily) who has self-harm scars on her arm. The sassy Sarah ribs Emily about them derisively, reminding me of my own Rika’s scoffing at the self-harming alters in my system.

But there’s also moments where Alice or Kristen is seemingly attacking/harming another alter, but when the “twist” of DID is revealed to the audience, we can see that they’re truly just harming themselves. Sort of like “Fight Club”. It appears to Kristen that she’s in a brawl with Alice when what the hospital staff is seeing is her throwing herself at the ground and window, cutting and hurting herself. A bit dramatic, yes, but I know I’ve had minor versions of such issues myself.

Before the twist is revealed, this is what the audience sees. After, it’s shown that Kristen was holding the knife to her own throat.

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The Bad

#1 All beautiful young perfect white women
Okay. I get that a lot of systems’ alters tend to reflect the body’s physical attributes, to a degree. But I know I have some with dramatic weight/coloration/height differences, some with dramatically different ages, and a couple with different gender attributes. I was disappointed that “The Ward” had all of Alice’s alters as young, beautiful slim white women. Even the little-alter, Zoey, is obviously no younger than 16 (and that’s pushing it), her “little” status more addressed by the addition of childish pigtails and a stuffed animal she babies constantly. The only real difference was hair color. Different hair colors does not diversity make.

Ignore that she’s obviously the same age as Kristen (the blond), Zoey is sucking her thumb and clutching a stuff bunny! She’s obviously a little!

#2 Therapy is maaaybe evil
This one I’m a little more torn on. Mostly because personally, I’m hugely against the whole idea of destroying parts of a system for integration or a similar prognosis. But I do give this movie’s therapist some credit for dissuading the nurse from dosing Alice for no reason at times, and for listening to each alter as much as possible. If his goal had been co-conciousness and trying to have the alters respect each other rather than “beat” each other until the strongest is left standing, then I would respect it much more.
Also they use freakin’ electroshock-therapy at one point. Granted, the movie takes place in the 1960s, but still. Not cool.

#3 DID is still technically the villain
Okay. I did say I respect this movie more than the average DID horror because the protagonist, despite having DID, is not a murderer/killer. She was abused as a child and splintered and now is still having trouble coping. However, by the end of the movie, DID is still clearly a villain. The goal is to “cure” Alice of it. She obviously couldn’t possibly function in society without it. The violence of the movie is caused by the alters’ fear of being destroyed by Alice, which is encouraged by their therapist. This movie definitely doesn’t have DID coming out smelling remotely rose-like.
United States of Tara still does a better job of trying to de-villify it more than the average media attempt. Which is disappointing, because if “The Ward” had ended with the alters finding common ground and deciding to unite against the stress/introject of the abuse instead of the origin personality of Alice, I would have given this a full 5 stars for merely doing something a movie never has. Vilifying DID.

But we are still the villain.

And that is sad to see.

DID Media Spotlight: “United States of Tara” (S1)

(Note: since this is a multi-season show, this review is strictly about season 1)

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Rating: 4 Stars (out of a possible 5- strictly Season 1)

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I thought it might be best to start with an obvious one.

A show that aired first in 2009, “United States of Tara” is arguably the first TV show to focus on an in-depth look in the life of someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

In my experience, the only shows in the past to even mention DID in any fashion are soap operas (as a lame plot device) or criminal shows (as a lame villain/criminal device). Only in a single passing episode, of course.

“United States of Tara”, a show to feature a classic nuclear family (two parents, two kids) but with DID as the main conflict, is an interesting way to take the classic family drama/sitcom formula that is so mainstream-popular and feature mental-health.

I have watched this show in the past. Like many multiples, I leapt on it when I first heard of it, In my case, when it was picked up by Netflix a couple years ago. I prefer my shows binge-able and commercial free. I admit, when I watched it previously, I found it mostly offensive and Hollywood-itized. Some of my long-time followers may remember my passionate reactions, especially to Eddie Izzard’s character (who appears in later seasons).

This time I tried to view it with a more fair eye (helps that I’m more co-conscious this time around- HA!).

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The Good

#1- No psychopathic killers
I have to say the main good for me, as a passionate lover of the horror movie genre, is that Tara is not automatically a psychopath who has an alter that kills people. I can’t even begin to say how much I hate that trope. I’m sure you shall see in later reviews, when I get into what mainly features that trope- movies.

#2- Family love and dynamic
The other part of this first season that I love is the family dynamic. Yes, there are inaccuracies with how the DID is manifested, especially in the drama-sense; and yes, the way therapy is treated in this show is a joke at best. But I have to say it is truly nice to see a mainstream show showing a family that, despite the ups and downs of living with a family member that is struggling with their identity, remain for the most part supportive.
As a whole, that is. I have beef with Max, but I’ll get to that later. I think the kids are portrayed in as accurate a way as Hollywood can get. They have some novelty fascination with their mom’s “issues”, they also have real anger and fear, but the main emotion is love.

I can’t say how much I adore the tattoo scene with the mother and daughter (Episode 9). If most of the show was more like that, I would give it a full five stars, just for trying so hard.

I also have to give it some credit (strictly in Season 1), for retaining an interesting plot that flows well without resorting to “let’s get super freaky with the DID”. It’s pretty standard stuff: she’s trying to deal daily with the alters (and a little later in the season, figure out some of her past). There’s some mess when her alters come out, but nothing that can’t be (relatively) cleaned up. There’s some good side stories with the kids. You get to see how all the alters have somewhat of a bond with the family. It is truly Tara’s family- alters and all.

There’s some great sister moments in season one as well. I find Charmaine an obnoxious character in general, but for my review I tried to be more empathic and really feel for her as if she was a three dimensional person, like I think the writer’s may have been going for.
She’s a very frustrated person though a bit selfish. I think she has a hard time seeing the family and lifestyle Tara has and equating it with the struggle of her health. I honestly think she could use some therapy to help her love herself more and stop worrying about what her sister has. But there are some great moments where you really see Tara and Charmaine, as sisters, shine through.

There’s this great bonding moment at the end of Episode 4. One of the alters may or may not have fucked up income stream for both Tara and her sister. And at first, Charmaine is pissed. She lost a job over what she thinks is her sister’s “crazy”. But then, you see this beautiful shift. Tara’s family. And Tiffany was sort of an uptight bitch anyway. And Tara offers binge-food (you can catch the lollipop obsession here, that bleeds over to the alter T, though it seems to be something Tara and Charmaine share from childhood) and Charmaine helps steady her with this wonderful patty-cake game. It seems to be this stimming/focusing technique for Tara that has perhaps been done before. There’s a deeper level to this brief scene and it’s wonderful!! I wish more were like this!

Of course…the show can’t be all unicorn farts and puppy cuddles…

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The Bad

#1- Actual system manifestation
All right, let’s get the DID stuff out of the way first. The manifestations are extreme. They all seem pretty anti-keep-shit-flowing-smoothly. Now, I get all systems are different, but this review is based on my personal experience and my knowledge of friends, studies, blogs, etc. But feel free to chime in if you think I get something super wrong. 

So my experience with systems is that, yes there are some that like to be selfish and just sort of fuck shit up. But there’s also a good multitude of alters whose entire purpose is to smooth that shit back over. To keep things so the body seems semi-functional, doesn’t die, or get thrown in prison/hospital/etc. Pretty common. But Tara doesn’t seem to have any alter like that.

UNLESS
Tara is that alter.

Which brings me to point two. Tara is treated in the show as “the original personality”. But DID doesn’t exactly work like that. Again, from my experience and knowledge. Yes, there can be a sort of general “smooshed” aspect (or alter) that can be close to “original”, but the truly original person that was born? That person got destroyed in the trauma event. That’s what makes DID what it is.

And in United States of Tara, we know it isn’t co-consciousness. It’s explicitly stated that Tara isn’t able to do that. She “goes away” when the other alters are out. So what makes her not an alter? In my opinion, nothing. She is one. She’s the one that tries to keep shit together. I just wish they’d label her as such.

#2 – Max- coolest dad and perfect husband?
Okay, so my other big issue with season 1? Max. Maxy Max. The husband and father. Oh my god, could they have gone for “cool dad/perfectly supportive husband” trope any more?!

The teen daughter, Kate, literally takes advantage of this trope constantly, with her blatant discussing of her sexual activity and underaged drinking (arguably, Max sometimes stops the drinking). I get that sex shouldn’t be shameful. And I agree with that. But neither should it be some casual subject with your parents. Your child should understand how to use protection in the act, not just resort to Plan B/Morning After to not “let the fertilized egg implant itself on [her] uterus”.
Their younger son, Marshall, throws a large house party at one point with tons of underaged drinking and doesn’t get disciplined at all. An offense that literally could send both Max and Tara to jail in many states.
I guess perhaps there are families out there like that, I’ve just not come across them. But the “cool dad” trope isn’t even my biggest issue. My biggest issue is the man is somehow portrayed as this amazing freakin’ saint when it comes to Tara and the alters. I’m sorry, I do like that Hollywood isn’t having domestic drama overshadow the DID stuff, but good god Max, get mad like a real person sometimes!

I was actually watching part of season one with my boyfriend, Army, and he agreed that Max was very unrealistic. He agreed that there are great men out there that would be as supportive as they could, but all the shit that goes down in season one would definitely cause some real anger. Especially when it came to stuff that upset/hurt the children. Max seems to constantly choose his wife over his childrens’ wellbeing and I’m not sure how I feel about that message.

That smile though…

I get that I may be bias, but this is my review. So I get to vent about it 🙂

#3- Therapy is pure EVIL
Okay. Third biggest issue. Therapy. Therapy is a joooooke in this show. The whole thing.

It gets worse as the show progresses, but it is already a problem in season one. There’s a very weird message about medication too. What actually kicks off the season is that Tara is going off her psych-related medications for the first time in many years. And that is what’s “letting the system wake up” or whatever. I know there are a variety of meds that “deaden” the whole disassociation thing, but once the alters start doing real damage (hello, one sucker-punched a teenage boy!), does the therapist start discussing alternative medication? No. It’s just a sort of weird “oh shucks, power through this and soon it’ll be totally fine”. Like Tara is supposed to just “suck it up”. A little too reminiscent of my father.
There are only about two moments in the season where we actually see a therapy session with Dr. Ocean, Tara’s therapist. And it’s just…I was slack-jawed. This woman should not be licensed to practice therapy. The way she handles Tara is patronizing, at best. And even Army agreed that her discussing the treatment with Max behind Tara’s back (even in a “vague” sense) was way out of line. Tara is rightfully upset. Dr. Ocean is a terrible therapist. And there’s some sort of awful sick joke thrown in at one point that she “just started reading up on DID” or something. Like she didn’t even care to know how to handle Tara until after the shit-storm started happening. It was horrifying.
And don’t even get me started on the hospital’s/center’s doctor at the end who felt he had to drug Tara to force a transition. Yeah, no wonder the alters distrusted him. Hands-down, the worse part of season one.

I could take the manifestation of the DID and the characterization of Max. But I really wish the therapy was handled better. The best part about this issue is that therapy was so rarely featured in season one. The good outweighed it in this season.

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Honestly, I think season one overall did a good job. For Hollywood trying to portray such a complicated and touchy disorder, they seemed to put some real thought into it. There is heart in season one. Enough heart to make me stomach it pretty well. It’s like “Practical Magic” when it comes to Pagans/witches. Yeah, not really accurate most of the time, but man do they try to not be utterly offensive like 90% of Hollywood.

Have you seen it? What did you think?

Thunderstorms abound (triggered)

I hate storms. I hate lightning. I hate thunder.

I like rain.

I would like to just have the gentle showers of rain all the time. Please no storms.

Storms make me think of Him.

This is the first storm in a long time to trigger me and send me spiraling spiraling down.

Mute had to drive home. I couldn’t even manage driving in this. I fled.

I haven’t fled in a long time.

Mute has surfaced more and more as the stress of purchasing a home and the shift at work tries to overwhelm and drown me.

Today I try to just breathe.

Breathe.

Swallow some Ativan and push back the shadows. They will not leave but perhaps I can keep them in the corners of the room. At the foot of my bed. Not breathing down my neck and trying to crawl into my mouth.

And of course the blood pressure is not good. My head swims with either the drowning of being triggered or the numbers (197/132) spinning out of control.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Just focus on the air. The air is enough for now. The rest of the world doesn’t need to exist yet.

I just wish the storm would stop.

I don’t want to smell him. To feel his shadow. His breath on my face. His nails in my skin.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Just try not to have dreams. No dreams. Please. That’s all I ask. Please.

Before

Something amazing happened the other day.

It started badly.

I was speaking with my father about childhood memories.  He was appalled to discover I didn’t have any distinct memories from before we moved to Ohio.

Which is obviously because that’s when the splintering happened.  But my father is in high denial about that stuff.

Suddenly though, I remarked, “Well, I remember when I was playing by an old tree stump and got stung by a bee. And it scared me. I think I ran over to you.”

My dad broke into a smile.

“That was in Boston. You were probably 3 years old. It was one of the only times you ran to me before your mom.”

I stared.

Boston?

That’s before the splinter.

I have absolutely no other memories of Boston. That’s even before we went back to Chicago for a time.

I remembered something from before! And not just a couple months before.  Years before!

I’m holding this memory close as a candle to keep away the creeping darkness.

Photo Credit

Breaking a promise

(trigger warning for self-harm discussion)

I’m so very angry with myself.  And feeling remorse/regretful.

I broke my promise to myself last night.  I could go into which bit of me did and that it was an insider and not the “whole me”, but I feel like that’s just trying to dodge the blame.  It doesn’t matter “who” decided to do it.  It doesn’t matter.

I broke a promise.

It’s been three months since I’ve actually cut.  I’ve thought about it.  I’ve talked about doing it.  But I haven’t done it since I moved to my new place.

I’ve drank, I’ve self-medicated, and I’ve restricted.  But not cut.  Not that.  I promised myself I wouldn’t.  I promised my friends I wouldn’t.

Why can’t I just keep that one promise?  Why?  Three months is barely anything.  I feel so lost, so remorseful, so…

Sad.

I can’t wear shorts this weekend.  I’ll have to be sneaky with Army if we get intimate unless I want him to lecture me (again).

Mad.

The burn and sting of the freshly opened cuts feels so sickeningly good.  It shouldn’t.  I know it shouldn’t.  I hate that it does and I’m so mad that I would use that feeling to try and justify doing it.

Bad.

I just can’t win.  I thought the promise was something I valued.  I thought I (all of us) truly meant it.  I thought we could keep this new apartment free of that negative energy.

But blood has been spilled.  And blood stains.  It soaks in and ruins everything it touches.

I am worthless.

F-A-T

Not Enough

Trigger warning: ED freakout and talk of self-harm

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A search that showed up in the blog stats directed the trigger from general freak-out into full-blown ED centered.

That of course means that I have the power now.

I can see the scars on my thigh from the last time.  I want to open them up again.  Draw those lines.  I want to remind myself.

F-A-T

I need that visual reminder.  So I remember not to eat all those cinnamon rolls.  I need to go to the gym with my coworker.  I need to get rid of all of this.

All of it.

The others forget.  I’m not “normal sized”.  I’m not “thin enough”.  There’s never enough.

I’m not enough of anything.

Just not enough.

But don’t worry, don’t worry.  I’m going to make it better.

I am Ana’s strong will.  I am Ana’s icy breath.  I am Ana’s cold gaze.
I am Ana’s fierce determination.

-Victoria

Stolen Time

Someone is stealing time again.

I can’t go through this again.

And not just simple time stealing. It’s malicious. Upheaving type.

I know this because when I left work a bit ago, I unlocked my phone and opened the mobile browser to discover a website open to search “Northern Illinois available residences”.

I am terrified.

Not a single (allied) alter/insider has memory of this.

But my phone has a complicated passcode to get into it (thank you paranoia) so it had to be “me”.

Losing time is one thing. But secret planning is a whole other.

I don’t want to wake up somewhere unknown.

I promised myself I wouldn’t do that ever again.

How can I keep a promise to myself if my whole self doesn’t seem to agree?