Baby Shower

We just finished my coworker’s baby shower and I am triggered beyond belief.

I did not expect it to be this bad.

I feel so weak and dumb and stupid that I can still be so wounded over a year later.

I did get a bit of smile when my coworker (J) opened my gift for her and just beamed at it.  She loves elephants.  It’s entirely a coincidence that what I gave her had elephants on it though.

Because it was one of the items I had stowed away from my pregnancy.  I could never bring myself to donate them or even throw them away.

I really struggled with whether to give it to J or not.  But she has been such a great coworker and friend to me that it felt like the safest home for my things.

And seeing her smile and then turn to hug me so tightly….I think I did the right thing.

But feeling her stomach press against me….my heart breaks. 

Seeing all the little things our office got her…my heart breaks.

Hearing them all talk about due dates, and weights, and labor wards, and OB doctors….my heart breaks.

I will never get to experience that.
And it wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t been given a taste of that beautiful dream.

Felt the fluttering movement inside me.

Saw how everything was right and hopeful and so many were sweet and supportive.

Heard that heartbeat.

But my body is not worthy.  I am not worthy.

And so I watch others live my dreams.  And I hope that they realize what a beautiful gift they’ve been given.  That they are so very, very full.

And I am so very very empty.