For Germany

Today is my best friend Germany’s birthday.  She is such an amazing woman I had to write something up for her.

(Officially, I’m still on a blog-vacation, so pretend you didn’t see me 😉 )
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1.) I can tell this girl pretty much anything. 
Sometimes I get a firm kick in the ass about me being a dolt and/or idiot.  And by sometimes, I mean a lot of times.  And sometimes there is some disagreeing points of view.  But then time passes and we always realize that we’re better friends than any argument.

2.) She makes me want to be better/cooler/stronger.
This girl is AMAZING.  She’s traveled all over the place and is even LIVING overseas.  Sure it’s scary, sure it’s hard, but damn, she just pushes on through.  I want to be like that.   I pine for her ability to be blunt as hell all the time.

3.) She can wear any hat or pair of sunglasses and look fantastic.
It’s a weird effin’ super power.  But she has it.  We’ve searched the planet for a hat or pair of sunglasses that makes her look frumpy.  To no avail.

4.) She knows my moods better than I do.
I can’t lie to this girl (in person).  I can’t pretend to be fine when I’m not.  I can’t wear that mask I wear so effortlessly at times.  It pisses me off when people see through my mask usually.  She is one of the rare gems that I revel in not having to play pretend.  I can be fighting a migraine, bitchy as hell, and this woman will simply ask if I want to swing through somewhere and get a diet coke.  Or she’ll do me one better and bring me one!

5.) Distance means nothing.
Jack shit.  Absolutely nada.  I know there are days, weeks (hopefully not months… L) that we lapse in conversation due to our busy lives.  But it means nothing.  She’s still who I think of whenever I go to Starbucks.  She’s who I want to tell about some cute guy I saw.  I always wish she was around when I’m halfway through a cigarette so I can share the rest.

6.) She makes clothes shopping fun.
There’s ALWAYS time for a montage when shopping with her.  It’s 50% of why we go!  Doesn’t matter if I look awkward or frumpy- all the more laughter is had by all. 

7.) She will hate my enemies with (or for) me.
This seems juvenile, I’m sure, but it is immensely satisfying to have a friend who helps validate those people that are just toxic and awful and you shouldn’t be around.  If I waver on whether they’re truly bad for me, she knows and she rages on my behalf.  She isn’t try to dictate how I feel; she reminds me of why I decided to avoid that person in the first place.  After all, I am forgetful/indecisive in my opinions of people.

8.) She knows pretty much all my secrets.
And I feel like she should just know all of them.  I’m tired of trying to keep part of myself in a box because I worry she’ll judge.  She may.  But we always manage to get past any of that.

9.) She’ll always play my favorite game of “what-if” or “let’s pretend”.
We started this early.  Hypothetical romantic relationships.  Houses.  Cities we’d live in.  Jobs we’ve have.  How we’d own a bakery/shop and I’d do the baking and she’d run the business side of it.  While she’s overseas, we constantly joke about me just dropping in for dinner or a shopping trip.  Little games to pretend our lives are where we want to be.  It helps more than it should.

10.) She’s just her.
She doesn’t bullshit with me.  She’ll split a cig or a drink with me.  She’ll go out dancing or to a dumb movie with me.  She knows how things were in high school.  She knows how I’m dumb when it comes to myself and partners I try to be with.  She knows why I have a fox and butterfly tattoo (and she was there when I squeezed the shit out of her hand in pain getting it) and why my nickname was “Kit” in high school.  She knows why I tremble whenever I see anyone dressed up in a full animal costume.  She knows that Wendy’s is my favorite fast food place.  She knows Dark Castle makes my favorite horror movies.

There is no one I would rather get lost with on a back country road for hours with.  No one I’d rather go to Starbucks with and sit outside for hours talking about nothing.

I absolutely cannot wait for us to be able to hang out in person again.  But despite my missing her, I’m so proud of who she’s become. 

At a quarter of a century in age, she has done so much.  I can’t wait to see what happens for her next.

Good Ol’ Texas and Tattoos

I’m feeling much better.

Had a lovely evening with Texas where we got quotes on our tattoos we shall be getting (more on that later) and talked about the Germany email.  I’ve come to realize a couple things:
1. Germany is a whole continent away.  She isn’t in the situation like the rest of us.  Obviously she can’t completely understand
2. Though I didn’t make the stupid choices she implied I did, I have made stupid choices the past couple weeks.  I need to be responsible for that.
3. I decided days ago (with input from Texas and Shadow Dragon) to stop dwelling on this whole Jeff situation and what I could have done, how I could fix it,  how I could have changed it, etc., etc.- and move on with my life.  I shouldn’t let comments relating almost entirely to that bog my whole week down.
4. I have some fantastic friends right here in this zip code that are being perfectly supportive and I don’t need to be that doormat people-pleaser I desperately tried to be most of my life.

So I am just going to forget about it.
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Moving on- Texas and I are getting tattoos next week.  It will be merely the second one for me and the….I’ve lost count for Texas (they’re all beautiful and able to be tastefully covered though).  There are a couple various reasons as to why we’re getting them together, even though they aren’t technically “for” each other or anything like that.  I don’t like “memorial”-type tattoos.

(side note: Army actually has one written in Latin on his forearm that’s for his crazy cheating-abusive ex-wife.  Sometimes I tease him about it.  He takes it [always a good sport] because he’ll be the first to admit it was a dumb tattoo to get.)

Anyway, Texas’s idea is charming. I discovered a picture that is pretty much what she’s getting.

Couldn’t find a better version of this quote and illustration…

I don’t think it’s specifically for me- she’s a big fan of Winnie the Pooh and has many friends.

Mine’s smaller, but a bit more complicated.  I’ve always been a been “symbology” sort of person.  My fox and butterfly tattoo has multiple meanings (some only 2 or 3 people even know).

This is getting touched up too- the butterfly was *supposed* to be a “forest green”. Not yellow.

My second tattoo shall be no exception.  I do not have a mock-up of the actual design that will be going onto my body, as a lovely artistic friend of mine is still working on that, but it is going to incorporate the following symbols:

The rune Algiz (also known as Elhaz). Simple, obviously.

A treble clef- pretty self-explanatory. It’s a music symbol.

The idea is to sort of “entwine” this two symbols together in a very organic way (like a vine or tree).  It’s going on the inside of my right wrist.  To remind me of my support and strengths when my thoughts go to dark places.

I shall upload pictures of the actual tattoo once I get it done!

Apparently I’m trash (or The Email’s reply)

It took a couple days for me to get the courage up to write this post.

Germany technically replied to my email Saturday, but I’ve been dwelling and dodging and playing that ostrich-head-in-the-sand that I do so well.

She’s upset.

Yay, I’m clairvoyant.  Texas said she wouldn’t upset because we’re best friends and best friends are supportive.  But my tummy-guts-feeling wins again.  She’s pissed.

She said I’m trash.

I’ve never had anyone call me that.  Not even when Texas probably thought something close to that last year when she was angry we got pregnant.  But she never called us anything like that.

And to have Germany call me that….

I was a mess Saturday night.  And I was very ill most of Sunday- at least partially psychosomatic I’m sure.

It’s sort of surprising who first brought me out of a thought process that was going to turn self-damaging.  Army.  I know, right?  Mr. Emotionally Void and Unavailable.  It’s like he’s a different person since we stopped living together.
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This was our text exchange:
Me:  Well, Germany thinks I’m a she-devil that’s ruined Jeff.  it’s a surprisingly hard blow to have a best friend think you’re trash.
Him: What happened?
Me: I emailed her briefly, updating her on my life, like I normally do, and apparently now I’m horrible. I dunno.  You don’t think I’m garbage, do you? Is that why you didn’t ever really want more than FWB?
Him: I do not think you are garbage. And the FWB thing is because of me and what I’m capable of. Not you.
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Obviously not some amazingly romantic talk, but at least encouraging.  And then Shadow Dragon and Puppy were nice enough to watch a movie with me Saturday evening (“Identity”, appropiately, lol) and that helped a lot.

But still….a best friend calling you trash is hard to swallow.

Maybe I am trash and I should just accept it.

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Beauty of a Best Friend…

This is another lazy post mostly for ourselves.
But if you happened to be curious about the dynamic between my best friend, Germany, and myself, then continue by all means.
She did a fantastic job of pulling me out of my funk, as per usual. And she’s super witty and hilarious and will probably make you smile too.

(FYI, This is all through a chat service)

(I apologize for Germany’s mouth and nastiness. She gets….extremely mean about people who upset me. We’re like sisters. It’s how it goes. Oh. She also has absolutely no tact. None.)

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me:  Are you doing okay? I had a scary dream about you last night. I don’t remember most of it, but I woke up feeling really worried about you

Germany:  Actually, yeah. Yesterday was stressful but today I’m walking on sunshine and rainbows. Sorry you had a scary dream. I didn’t mean that sarcastically, I promise.
I have two job opportunities that fell into my lap. Now I gotta choose. So I’m out of my mind happy.

me:  Oh good, I’m glad. I did think you were being sarcastic for a moment, so thanks for the clarification. Lol.
Was the scary-ness just the lack of job opportunities?

Germany:  Nope I had to take a test. To see if I am smart enough to do the job. It took an hour and a half, it was timed, it was all in German, and I couldn’t retake it at all.  Technical, hard German.

me:  Is this the eye-doctor’s office thing?

Germany:  Nope. Hörgerätakustikerin.

me:  …..yeah, my Deutsch ain’t that good

Germany:  Making hearing aids for old people. I don’t know the ‘merican name for that.

me:  Ah. Sounds…interesting. So would your job be more factory or administrative?

Germany:  Not really factory so much as laboratory, and it would be a little of sales too. Like, someone comes in and needs a hearing aid, I help them out and make it for ’em. I fit it to their ears and make sure it works and shit.

me:  Ahhhh. Cool. Gotcha. You’re good at shouting too.

Germany:  Har har…I’m hoping for more lab time though because I’m still hesitant about my German skills

me:  I see. Well, maybe this’ll fast-track your improvement. Soon you’ll be super-fluent. But only at slightly above normal volume of speaking. Like, CAN I HELP YOU?

Germany:  I talk above normal anyways. I’m a noisy American. Americans are THE loudest people

me:  True. You’d be like: NO, WE ONLY HAVE IT IN GRAY.

Germany:  Who wears gray hearing aids?

me:  I dunno. I guess it would be flesh color.
ONLY IN FLESH COLOR. NOT GRAY. I WAS MISTAKEN.

Germany:  Yeah. If they need gray, they’re dead

me:  It would match their hair

Germany:  lol

me:  For the ladies

Germany:  Sooo fashionable nowadays with other geezers

me:  I mean, the ladies hair could like, hide it and shit. Miss you.

Germany:  I miss you too

me:  So that Terra chick is a jerk. The chick you briefly heard on Skype last week

Germany:  Yeah. How was she a bitch?

me:  When Zoe was climbing on her and trying to be friendly, she goes “She doesn’t seem to want to sit with you. Is she climbing on and licking me because I actually have boobs?”

Germany:  ….

me:  Seriously. I’m not fucking exaggerating. You can ask Texas.

Germany:  What does that even have to do with anything? I mean, why the fuck would dogs care?

me:  Terra’s like, really curvy and that’s why she has boobs  (look at me even now trying to not be rude and call her fat), but do I say something about that back? No. And I have no fuckin’ clue what that has to do with ANYTHING or dogs.

Germany:  You should’ve. Should’ve said, “Maybe she’s just confusing you for the Pilsbury Dough Woman… or Aunt Jemima”. BAHAHAHA! Get it? Cos she’s black?

me: …Aunt Jemima? That’s ridic. But sorta hilarious. You are terrible.

Germany:  Yes. And not ridic. Gotta put jerks in their place. Fight fire with maple syrup.

me:  Well, I left early and texted Texas to please not invite Terra over anymore when we’re having our girl-time.  I didn’t even know Terra was going to come over…

Germany:  Yeah. I’d have ditched. I’d have left with ya and gotten Starbuuuuuuuuuuuucks. And made you try to get lost. Which we would fail. And get home by dark. And laugh ourselves silly. And by dark I mean after dark.

me:  Hahaha. All that driving around and getting lost apparently has actually improved my sense of direction. I was directing SD all over Kettering flawlessly the other day. I miss that. I have no other friends who like just driving around and shit. For the hell of it.

Germany:  That’s how I roll. Givin bitches a mini me inside of em. Only, ya know, not the fetus kind of me. Just the map thing.

me:  ….mini you is freaky.

Germany:  which one? fetal one or map one? Either way, I’m thinking of “Alien”.

me:  Sure. Both. Both are freaky. One is slightly less.

Germany:  IMMA EXPLODE OUTCHA CHEST. REEEEEEAAARRRRR!
* skitter skitter skitter*
* acid spit*

me:  Lol. Maybe that’s why the dream about you freaked me out. You were an alium.
alayum

Germany:  Exactamundo

me:  Hm. Not sure how to spell my pronunciation.

Germany:  uh…ayeleeuhm? aaaayleeeummm? 😀 What else is neeeeeeew?

me:  Uhhhh. I officially live at SD’s now. It’s weird.

Germany:  DID YOU FUCK JEFF YET? Ahem. I mean, how’s it going with Jeff?

me: -snort- Between you and Texas, I swear…
She offered to leave me condoms at her place when I mentioned I may watch movies there with Jeff while pet-sitting. Anyway, yesterday was the worse day ever.

Germany:  Hahahahahahahahaha. Texas is awesome. Anyways. Worst day ever.

me:  First of all, Saturday was Family Fun Day at Cedar Point for the bro’s bday. It was awful because I hate being at amusements parks (without you).

Germany:  Of course

me:  So I’m all grumpy about that. Plus it was a long ass drive and I didn’t get home until like, 2am. So I wake up late Sunday. The day I’m supposed to move my furniture to SD’s (I’ve been sleeping on a futon). But I feel shitty, and SD is feeling meh, and Jeff wants to hang out and I haven’t seen him in awhile. So I decide we should get lunch together and then pick up my bathroom shiz and some work clothes and that’s it.
I text Army to make sure he’s clothed after we finish lunch. SD has never met Army. It was fucking weird. He was all weird and I think he was pissed off. I dunno. It was weird.

Germany:  Was it weird? It seems that you thought it was weird? Soooooo weird.

me:  Har har. Anyway, we get my shit and GTFO back to SD’s place, watch some movies, then I drop Jeff off. Fast forward to Monday. I’m still feeling blah from the weekend.
I remember that Monday evening is a PNO (Pagan’s night out), this social thingy-ma-bob-er. I haven’t been all Pagan social since Stalker-mc-creepy-douchebag has been all stalker-y. SD says she wants to go, Jeff said he’s interested so we decide to go.
We fucking forget it’s a fucking Monday night, which is the normal night for Stalker’s fucking circle thing. So he’s fucking there.

Germany:  Stalker is period panties guy, right?

me:  Yeah, he is.
And he’s all fucking creepy and talking to me about his (ex)wife trying to Facebook stalk him and SD and how she thinks SD means something to him. Like romantically. Obviously trying to get me jealous or something. So I’m like “k….”
And he’s like “We should get together. I have some PRIVATE things I need to discuss with you. Super important.”
I’m paraphrasing slightly to give an idea of how fucking creepy he comes across with the combination of his body language and words.

Germany:  Of course. Either you’re going senile or you think I’M going senile. I remember how you work, silly.

me:  So I skitter back to my table on the OTHER side of the room where Jeff and SD are. But now I’m fucking edgy and upset, so I need a goddamn smoke. So I go outside and start smoking. Jeff graciously follows to keep me company.

Germany:  Good boy, Jeff

me:  We chat while I totally hotbox a cig. Then FUCKING STALKER comes out all nonchalant and is like “Made me crave a cig. Ha ha I’m a douche.”
I try to ignore him and smoke faster. SD comes out and quietly asks if we want to leave and I’m like, “Totally. Let me finish this cig though since I’m driving and need some serious nicotine to process.”

Germany:  Right on

me:  Meanwhile, Stalker is glaring fucking daggers at Jeff, even though we aren’t standing close or anything or doing anything that would make him think we like, an item or anything.
Reminds me of fucking Katharine. Wants like, no penises to even look at me. Jesus.

Germany:  You should’ve grabbed Jeff. All sexy-like. Seriously. Doesn’t matter what stage you guys are in.

me:  That’s more a you thing…I suck at that shit.

Germany:  Tap that card. Dude.

me:  You mean…like sex? What if it’s terrible?

Germany:  Oh my god. Fuck.

me:  Oh god. But what if he’s totally expecting us to bone at Texas’?

Germany:  That’s not even what I meant. I meant that Jeff is the kind of guy who would be more than willing to help you out of a situation like that with Stalker-Fuckface. Just explain beforehand and he’ll help ya out.

me: Oh. Never mind then. Ignore my manic turn of phrase.

Germany:  Chill. We can address that in a mo.

me:  So we leave PNO. Go back to SD’s. Start watching a movie. I’m still all upset (just too much stress building) and shaky, so I decide gin is a good idea (dunno why. I’m dumb). I drink some gin.
But since I’m stressed, exhausted, and have barely eaten in days, I get tipsy quick and fall into sleepy-drunk quick.
Jeff is again, super-gracious and is totally fine with me going to lie down. I worry about getting him home but SD is all like “I’ll do it. You go rest.” I’m like, cool. She’s a friend and shit.
So I wake up yesterday. Feeling like shit cause I slept like shit. Not quite hungover though. I’m woken by SD coming in to tell me I got a parking ticket because my plates are expired.

Germany:  Boo

me:  And I”m like “That’s totally impossible. I totally renewed those…wait. Shit. I was in and out and of the hospital that whole month. Fuck fuck fuck.”
Then SD launches into some long-winded thing about Jeff and dropping him off and talking to him for hours. She started saying how she talked about and figured out his mental state and psychology shit and how she thinks he’s an awesome guy and has similar mental issues to me and her.

Germany:  Mkay

me:  And it sounds like exactly how she talked about Stalker before a buncha shit was revealed about my mental state and then used against me, and then Stalker was like “I have the same mental problems, so we’re like twinners!” because SD kept talking to him about [BPD and DID, and disassociation].
Now, this was before I realized what a complete creeper he was. I dunno. I’m dumb.
And I’m obviously not over the incident because I start getting really nervous and upset that she’s going to try and twist the psych stuff around again and Jeff’ll go for it because I have hang-ups and I’m not sure whether I can handle a relationship with a fellow broken person or not.  Not to mention whether he’ll want that sort of baggage from me.

Germany:  Jeff isn’t that kind of guy. Believe me. You could ask her nicely to back off the psych talk.

me:  You assume I’m logical and shit. I did start to say something about that and she was all like “Jeff’s so much better than Stalker. I think he’ll make an awesome friend addition to our group.” And then I chickened out.

Germany:  Yeah…. well….Jeff won’t use that brain-stuff against you.

me:  I guess. I was pretty upset all yesterday morning. Ended up crying in my room like a dumbass because I already regret the corner I’ve painted myself into.

Germany:  Sweetie, during most of the time you and I were on the out and outs and not talking, HE was the bestie until I came back from China. I know Jeff. No way he’d pull some bullshit like that. He’s had the opportunities, but he’s got integrity. If you’re that worried, bring it up with him.

me:  I did.

Germany:  And his reaction?

me:  I actually was brave yesterday and bluntly told him all my dumb insecurities and how I wasn’t trying to seem crazy but I have certain issues I need to put on the table up front.  He thanked me for being up front and said that he was glad I said something,  so he could make sure to not make me feel a position of insecurity in the future.

Germany:  Told ya

me:  😛 I knew he’d say something like that. I know what kind of guy he is. I just don’t know if he really just doesn’t realize what a complete fuck-up I am.

Germany:  K-girl, shut your brain up for two seconds and let me talk… type… whatever.

me:  …yes ma’am.

Germany:  Have you ever, EVER heard me say anything REMOTELY close to “I trust (your love interest’s name here) completely in this instance.” EVER before? No. Why? Because I didn’t. Your previous relationships have all been scum bags and morons and evil people. So when I say that I trust Jeff to do what’s right with the person I love like my own sister, do you understand how important that is?
Because if he takes advantage of any situation that he knows would end up breaking your heart, hell will have frozen over or someone is threatening your life or his or his family’s or he’s lost his damn mind.
In which case I’ll kill him naturally. But the odds of that happening are slim.
You now have permission to respond.

me:  I love you

Germany:  I know

me:  I’m trying not to get all Gilmore Girl teary-eyed at work.

Germany: 😀

me:  I know you’re right (as always )

Germany:  Yep

me:  I’m obviously am such a fuck-up that I don’t even know how to handle a sane, normal, none-asshole person in a relationship-sense.

Germany:  It takes practice, patience, and a little trust

me:  Stupid trust. I hate that. I hate giving it to anyone anymore. I’m just tired of building relationships, of any kind. Friendships, romantic. All of it. I just want it to jump to the comfortable stage immediately. No learning. I just want to know the person.
But I feel like I’ve maxed out all that I need. I mean, it sucks that you’re so far away, but I just don’t want any more close friends than I have at this moment. Blargh.

Germany:  Mkay… Then stop building relationships. Just kinda go with the flow. You’re so concerned with controlling your life that I think you’re stressing yourself to death. RELAX! Let people come to you. Give them a smidgen of trust, but not all of it. Build from there. Don’t try to make new close friends, you’ll just end up fighting it, even if part of you wants someone close. Just relax, let people do what they will, and worry about figuring out what you want out of life.

me:  I guess. I dunno.

Germany:  And realize that you can’t plan every little detail. Come up with a vague plan. Like mine was “Move to Germany”.

me:  I wish my stupid brain didn’t prone towards stupid broken-ness that makes me depressed and crazy and stupid and self-harming if I can’t feel like I’m loved enough or in control enough….

Germany:  Mine is too, dear. I just stopped sharing that part of my brain with people. I never got the reaction I wanted from people when I shared it. But that doesn’t mean I am not the same. But the control I let go of.

me:  I think you’re better at controlling parts of yourself than I am at mine. I’m terrified that I’m not going to be able to handle a severe reduction in sex. I never have been before. It’s always made a side of me do dumb, stupid things that most of me hates.

Germany:  Well… it takes practice and creative thinking. But you can do it. Look at how I was in high school.

me:  I’m 24. I should not be as fucked-up as a high schooler. Obviously that means there is something horribly wrong with me.
And dad’s right. I’m a complete immature failure of a citizen.

Germany:  No. That’s not what I meant. And you’re dad is a fucktard. I think you and I need to set up a Skype time sometime and we can talk a little more about this. But you’re not a failure. You just don’t really have someone to help you. I had to help myself. But I can help you if you want. You’ve grown up a lot. You have.

me:  I don’t feel like it

Germany:  Yeah, and sometimes you’ll feel like that. But that doesn’t make it any less true. You’re not in a dependent relationship anymore. You realize the signs of one. You are trying to get your life together. You cut out Stalker a lot sooner than you would’ve in high school (like Uniballer).

me:  True

Germany:  You have made steps towards adulthood

me:  I’m actually not letting myself be cowardly with Jeff despite the fact of his intuitive understanding of me terrifies me.

Germany:  See? And, by the way, that terror should also be accompanied with joy. It’s scary, but it means you found someone who knows you for you instead of who they want you to be.

me:  It is nice being able to not have to put on that mask. It’s getting pretty tattered.

Germany:  Yeah, your mask isn’t helpful.

me:  It’s helpful with some family still. Mostly dad’s. And my stepdad.

Germany:  Yeah okay, but your family is a special, fucked up case.

me:  Heh. Yay.

Germany:  Besides, what good is a mask when you can’t wear it because it’s too tattered. If you are sick of feeling this way, I can help. But you have to tell me that in your own words. You have to say, “Germany, oh bestest friend of mine, I am sick of feeling like I’m immature and loser-y. I want to change.”
Because if you don’t mean it and you want to stay where you are and complain, then I don’t want to waste both of our time, ya know? I don’t mean that in the harsh, heartless way it sounds, but still. If you want to improve and are willing to put energy towards it, I am always here and happy to help

me:  Lmao. You mean stroke your ego at the same time then?

Germany:  Har har. No. My ego needs no stroking.

me:  Heh.

Germany:  Unless you want to 😉

me:  Lol. Well, I’ll let you get to fixing food and eatin’ it. We’ll talk laters.

Germany:  All right. You have a good rest of your day. And cheer up! Jeff likes ya, you got a job and a roof over your head, and a bestie who lerrrrvvvvves ya (even if it’s an ocean away)

me:  Very true. Take care ❤

Germany:  You too, dear. Buh bai ❤

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