Where I am

WordPress just informed me that today is the anniversary of my blog.  

This is bittersweet to hear.

I am in a bad place right now.  After my last post, I was very very ill for three days (there is no glory in taking excessive laxatives).  

I had hoped that I would be leaps and bounds better from where I was a year ago today.  It doesn’t feel that way at all.  

Honestly, I wish I could just fade away quietly.  I am too cowardly and tired of the pain from the laxatives to do anything violent towards myself.  But if I could just push a button and be gone…
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However, taking a look at the positive:

I have so many wonderful new friends.  You all are such great supports and I know I would be in a worse place now (perhaps even gone) if it weren’t for you.  Yes, you.

I have learned so many things.  Coping, support, just the mere empathizing has been a great thing.

I have laughed, I have cried, I have gasped in horror, I have shivered with excitement.  Your lives have enriched mine- even over the seeming impersonal world of blogging and the internet.
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Two days ago I almost shut down this blog.  I am still scared, depressed, disgusted (with myself), exhausted, sad, angry, heartbroken and so much more.  

But I have to remind myself all the good this blog has done.  All the help it has provided me.  And that it is okay to just take a step back sometimes.  

It’s also okay to ask for help.

When I wanted to shut it down two days ago- it was because I was so scare to ask for help.  I was so angry with myself for taking so many laxatives.  I thought I deserved punishment.  And you guys always make me feel better.

I wanted to shut down that support for good.

But I’m so glad I did not.
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So happy anniversary to myself.  And I hope I am able to stumble back onto my feet sometime soon.

Warm thoughts to all of you ❤ ❤ ❤

I’m not dead

I’m not dead.  I’m not well, but I’m not dead.  I realize I’ve been neglecting this place for awhile and I forget that most of you are not in contact with me via Facebook or email.  And I certainly don’t want you all wondering and worrying.

I’m alive.  I’m going through the motions still.

I probably won’t have a real update on here for a another little bit.  Basically things have gone to complete shit at work and I may not have a job soon.  I’m working my ass off to try and prevent that.

My mind is a little….swirly and so very easily triggered because of this.  So please forgive me for taking a vacation from the blogsphere for a bit.

I love all of you so very much and I do desperately miss hearing about all your lives, but I have to focus on myself right now.  It is a rarity for me, but apparently when it comes to keeping myself employed, I will actually be a bit selfish.

Please be patient and bear with me on this momentary sabbatical.

Lots of love.  I will be back ❤ ❤ ❤

-Pen

Thankful

This post is a huge thank you.

A thank you to my blog friends, who sent me lovely emails and pictures to cheer me up.

From Sortaginger – a laugh and a smile  (and MintyThings was nice enough to direct me to a whole website of cute manatee pictures!!)

 

 

 

Another one from SortaGinger – she can really work those meme generators like magic. I’ve never had my name on one 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the wonderful VwoopVwoop even drew me a picture.  It’s going on my fridge.  Once I can get a color ink printout to do it justice.

She even got the spotted one perfectly!

I feel very warm and fuzzy to have such lovely supportive friends.  So many of you emailed me.  It meant a lot.  I never thought this could be a place where I could reach out and get that support.

I also had some great real-life friends reach out as best they could.  Sometimes I don’t give them enough credit because I’m not forthright or honest about my mental-health 99% of the time.  But that isn’t fair to them.  They can’t be psychic.

I wish there was a code word I could give friends and family that meant “I’m feeling bad mentally and need you to just sit and talk with me about bullshit because I really don’t want to get into it and have you judge the shit out of me and how messed up I am but I’m scared of what I’ll do if I’m alone right now.”

A mouthful, huh?
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My codeword internally used to be “windchimes”.

Also, funny story, I was talking to USAA the other day (a financial company where I have a bank account and my car insurance) and their normal security check system was down, so they had to ask me for my “pass code”.   I made this code over 5 years ago.  I started freaking out because how the heck am I supposed to remember a code I never use that I made so many years ago.
Then the rep said “I can give you a hint”.

I asked for it and she replied “Danger”.

I laughed and said “windchimes”.  The rep sort of chuckled and was like “That’s a strange association”.  I agreed.  But I know what it means.  It’s hardwired into me.
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Ahem.  That was a big tangent.

The point is, I’m doing better.  Not completely well, but better.  And I’m so thankful to all of you.

Lots of love,
Pen ❤ ❤ ❤