Third Wheel

I’ve been feeling like a third wheel lately.  

Basically, Army and I are over with.  We haven’t even spoken for a couple weeks now.  I don’t really want to talk about the details on this post.  Sorry.

Anyway, pretty much all of my friends have a partner and I’m finding it difficult and uncomfortable to hang out with them.  It’s giving parts of me some triggering twitches and urges to “correct the problem” (as only Charlotte can).

But I don’t want that.

I want to be alone.  I want to be on my own.

But I just…I just wish I had more social opportunities that didn’t involve couples.

It isn’t that they’re affectionate or macking on each other in front of me.  In fact, sometimes I am only hanging out with one person out of the “pair”.  

But it still feels like I’m missing an arm and they’re whole and perfect.  Then they keep doing all these things with their two arms and trying to get me to join in and I’m like “I have only one arm…” but they don’t hear me or notice that I’m incapable.

Maybe that explains it?

I’m not sure.

All I know is I feel a bit dead inside lately and it’s worrying me because when I get this dead feeling, it means some sort of self-destructive fiasco usually follow.  I am trying hard to keep a lid on Charlotte but she really dislike feeling ugly and unwanted.  She always feels the need to prove that she can entice and ensnare.

But I don’t want to.  I really don’t.  I just want to….

I don’t know what I want.

I just want it to stop.

Triggered

Well shit.

I thought things were good.

But then my boss sent me on a mission to get some recorded mortgages at the local county office.  It’s raining and nasty here.  And I like watching my feet when I walk alone.

There are little worm bodies everywhere.

Apparently this is normal for post-storm rainy-ness.  I dunno.

And for some reason it’s violently triggered me.  I have no idea why.  I can sense some sort of memory in the back of my mind, but I can’t reach it.  It’s been awhile since a visual thing has triggered me so badly.

It was such a violent trigger than I splintered slightly and Charlotte came out to flirt with the recorder’s office employee.  It worked out in our favor, as he lowered the copy fee substantially for us, but still.  A bit unsettling.  I could feel her not wanting to return to my office after the errand and an internal fight ensued.

Fortunately, Serefina won and now I’m back here.

Still faintly triggered.

I don’t know why.

dead dry wormy bodies.  looks like the site of a defeated battle. a war lost.  no one sees. no one notices. need to move them. move move move. be nice. nice nice.

Possession

Trigger warning for sex/BDSM/abuse talk
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Somehow in all our teasing, flirting lighthearted talking last night, Army convinced me to text him a picture of me in stockings with garters.

I’ve never done such a thing before.

I’m sure that seems surprising, with Charlotte’s sexual nature.  I’m not 100% sure that she’s never slipped out a risque pic to some stranger that meant nothing but pure sex, but I can say pretty confidently that I’ve never sent such pictures to anyone who meant anything to us.

I was nervous about it, and to his credit, he wasn’t being pushy.  It was that gentle sort of prodding that got me to finally gather up some of that elusive courage and manage something relatively sexy.

It was pretty much just my legs crossed in stockings with the garters peeking at the top.  No face, nothing X-rated.  Just in case it were to find it’s way into the public eye.

And I still worried.  Something tugged at the corner of my mind.

My fingers moved on their own.

“Just yours, right?”

He texted back almost immediately.

“Only mine. No sharing.”

My brain seemed to explode.

Voices started screaming at me.

Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. No sharing. No one else. No touching. Mine.

A cascade of memories of Katherine’s games of possession and branding wash over me.

I touch my left hip nervously.  The scar is very faint now.  That means I’m no longer branded, right?  I don’t belong to her.  I’m not breaking it.  Not violating the pact.

She violated it first.

But she was never marked.  She could do as she pleased.

Only me.

I am the property.  I am the girl.  I am the claimed.

I am nothing.

Splintered

I am splintered.  Really struggling with the whole unity and “I”.  Feeling only like a “we” the past couple days.

And we are not agreeable or allies in any way.
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I’m not sure what made me decide to confide in him over text about being fat and ugly and needing pills and laxatives.  I’ve never spoken to anyone about it before.  I did take some pills and washed them down with a couple shots of liquor.  It makes it easier to not think about food.  I don’t need food.  Food makes me fat.

Then he texted us.  And sent everyone into a tailspin.  Charlotte is squirming in that nasty way she does.  He asks if I’m all right.  If I’m coping with all my new stress.  He says he misses me.  He asks about the new guy.  I don’t want to talk about Craig.  He says he’s worried about me.  He wonders if I’m handling living alone all right.

And I tell him.

I tell him I’m so fat and I have to take the laxatives on the weekend because otherwise I can’t go to work.  That during the week it’s hard and I struggle so bad to be a good girl.  That the other ladies at work always look so chic.  And they notice when I lose weight.  They notice every single pound.  And they are so happy for me.  So very happy.  They praise.  They congratulate.  They sing and shout and smile.  Their white teeth take up their whole face like fence posts in front of a perfect house.  A house a lady would have.

He cuts off my rantings and calms me down.  His encouragement and praise for my body being the way it is skitters into my brain and wraps around me like a blanket.  He dismisses the thoughts of blubber, of fat, of sludge.  I tell him it’s been weeks since he’s seen my anyway.

He says it doesn’t matter.  He doesn’t like me being so cruel to myself.  He says he cares.

How can he care?  He just leaves and dismisses me.  He doesn’t care at all.

He never cared when Audrey was hurting from the mess he made.
(he never thought the pregnancy was a two-person effort)

Why am I the one who feels pain at his words?  I don’t care what boys think.  What is wrong with me?
Charlotte’s affecting me too much.

More pills.

-Victoria

__________________________________________________

I’m not exactly sure who told Craig our address.  My best guess is Charlotte or Kit.  It’s hard to know.  All I know is this boy stands in my living room, offering gifts of chocolate, ice cream, diet coke (Kit’s weakness) to try and make our back pain better.

But I barely know him.  I certainly don’t know him well enough to chose to let him into our residence.  But someone thinks he’s safe.  I think about enlisting Rika to help me boot him out.

It’s Charlotte that surfaces instead.  She entices him into the bedroom, saying they’ll watch a movie.  I wrestle control enough to stiffly watch a movie with him.  The damn muscle relaxers are messing me up badly.  Me, who can handle most pills like a trooper.  It is my talent, after all.

The rest of the evening slips past me.  I doze at one point.

The body dozes.

The boy doesn’t leave.

It’s me who wakes up in the cold light of morning and feels the pressure of an arm slung over my waist.  Rika fights her way forward but is caught by something.  By someone.

And suddenly I am gone.

-Midori

__________________________________________________

no one knows self-sabotage like i do.  the boy moves closer, muttering something about mornings and food.  i remain perfectly still.  i am a statue.  i am always a statue when they want me to be.

but he wants to get up and go get food.  i stare at him.  he remarks that i can’t go to a restaurant in pajamas.  i look down and notice that i am fully clothed in a t-shirt and the loose pants that say coca-cola in red.  i glance back up at the boy.  he is fully clothed in jeans and a black t-shirt.  he tilts his head slightly and says something.  then he smiles in a sickeningly honest way.

i run

-daria
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I could eat.  I change clothes in the bathroom and accompany him to Bob Evans.  Breakfast sounds the best.

I am a little disappointed over the lack of activity last night, but he seems to be the type who isn’t into a quick roll in the sack anyway.

In my disappointment, my thoughts easily drift to Army as he natters on about his antics with friends back during his school days.  I wonder how much Victoria’s craziness scared Army.  It doesn’t seem like much, considering he last texts are about how he’ll always listen to us if we need it and all he wants to do is help.  I idly wonder what sort of help I might be able to get that offer to extend to….

I snap to attention when Craig mentions children and stare at him.  He speaks again, talking about how he-wants-a-family-and-he-has-name-ideas-and-he-thought-his-ex’s-baby-might-have-been-his-but-the-timing-wasn’t-right-and-that’s-probably-a-good-thing-anyway-because-he’s-done-with-her-and-a-child-should-be-with-someone-he’s-attracted-to-and-cares-about…

His eyes focus.  I blink.  And frown.

No fucking way.

I fucked that shit up before.  I am not gonna be the one to crack open that jar this time.  Not to mention that the last time was a complete accident.  This guy sounds like he’d hide our birth control pills.

Fucking hell.

-Charlotte
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Idiosyncrasies

(We were inspired by Carol Anne’s post this evening having to do with “being recognized”.  Things are a bit hectic tonight and some sorting out would be helpful.  Our system always likes talking about being separate, even if we are trying this uniting/getting along thing.  It settles us.)
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There are little behaviors, movements, actions, words, etc. that usually identify a particular person.

With someone who has a system or is a multiple, the alters each tend to have ones to call all their own.

We’re all feeling a bit restless and needed a sort of “freewrite”, so to speak.

I thought listing some well-known idiosyncrasies we use to figure out who has control of the body would be a good way to settle down.

Kit had a similar list handwritten in a safe location when we were at our worse switching and losing time and had to try and attempt to figure out some order.
_____________________________________________________________

Armes
-hums, especially Disney or Glee songs
-colors
-bites her nails
-tends to only whisper
-likes to eat food “in bits”, picking off pieces slowly and taking tiny bites (especially with cookies and pastries)

 

Charlotte
-flips her hair, especially when flirting
-expressive use of her eyes, especially with flirting
-always crosses her legs
-flicks her Zippo lighter case compulsively
-smokes like a true addict- savors the cigarette

 

Claire
-twirls pens and pencils
-tucks her hair behind her ear compulsively, especially when nervous
-won’t make eye contact with a male
-chews on pens and pencils’ ends while writing

 

Daria
-rocks back and forth, especially when nervous
-mutters under her breath and never speaks above a whisper or hiss
-leaves out self-harm implements (most of the self-harmers clean up after themselves)
-repeats words and phrases over and over

 

Kit
-eats pickles in a very slow and particular way, almost like an ear of corn
-likes to relax lying on her stomach, legs kicking in the air
-will compulsively play with jewelry the body has on
-likes to drive with all the windows down
-will leave the TV running when drifting off to sleep (especially during storms)

 

Midori
-sings when she thinks no one’s listening (especially while baking)
-foot jiggles when reading a “good part” in a book
-ability to block out practically any distractions when reading, baking, composing, or gaming
-smokes in a sort of distracted way, as if it’s only a placeholder for another habit
-will take painkillers compulsively if she can gain access to them

Rika
-leaves the radio in the car really loud
-smokes cigarettes like a chimney, not pausing at all
-drives a bit recklessly
-If someone on the road does something to piss her off, will talk to drivers in an angry patronizing way as if they can hear her
-cusses every other word

 

Roms
-prefers cats (with the exception of Zoe)
-enjoys water in any form, will try to swim or take long showers when out
-goes out of her way to check on any nearby children
-takes her time to examine art objects or photographs (like in a new place)

Serefina
-pulls hair into bun
-reads non-fiction books, especially relating to law
-speaks in a highly professional tone with a lot of large words
-doodles in margins of papers she takes notes on (she doesn’t like admitting this)

Victoria
-braids the body’s hair
-refuses to eat
-has long beauty regimes (face masks, body lotion, sloughing cream, etc.)
-tries to have a self-harming item in one hand, even if not actively using
-only alter who does burning self-harm

Is busy good…or bad?

I have been sooooo busy.  And it isn’t over.

I did see Birdemic yesterday- it was FANTASTIC.  I will write about it more specifically in a future post when things have slowed down.

This is my week-

Monday: Try to recover from being sick on Sunday. My only easy day.

Tuesday: Went to get quotes on Texas and my tattoo’s.  I like the artist we picked and he’s charging really reasonably.  I’m very excited.  My insomnia also attacked this night.

Wednesday:  Went to get Halloween decorations and prizes with a coworker for the office party.

Thursday: Got an emergency call from Texas on my way to work.  Her grandmother is going into hospice (she has cancer) and Texas is distraught.  She is hyperventilating on the phone.  Her grandmother raised her pretty much (her parents are drug addicted shit-heads).  I quickly find out where she is, call work with an excuse, and jet over there.  I spend the day with her.  It’s mostly us dorking around, as she’s like me and would rather just have company and avoid the topic- not “therapy about it”.  It was still emotionally exhausting for me though.
Birdeeeemic in the evening though! That was great!  Again, will blog further in a couple days.

Friday: I have the Horrorama charity horror movie-thon thing tonight.  I’ll try to get a picture to upload of me dressed up for ya’ll.

Saturday: A couple parties I’m supposed to go to.  Probably will only pick one and disappoint people because I will be suuuuper tired from Horrorama and I need sleepage (Horrorama goes until 5am).

Sunday:  RECOOOOOOP…hopefully.

Next week: More crazy Halloween stuff….and my new tattoo!

_________________________________

Being busy has been good for having me distracted.
But…it also has me losing smidgens of time here and there.  I think some of the alters are feeling overwhelmed and trying to snatch moments of peace or something.
I assume this because, despite losing time, I don’t come back to myself with any damage or crazy shenanigans having been committed (at least that I know of).
I sort of wonder if this is possibly us starting to make things work better. It was like that briefly a couple years ago and it was nice then.  I just worry about that next thing to “set us off”.

Right- being positive.  Moving on.

But I still wonder about this amount of activity being good or bad in the long run.  I wonder what will happen come next week when we hit that metaphorical-wall.

Trying not to dwell though.

There are…whispers already though.  Of me not being good enough.  Not being able to handle this.  Of all the failings I’ve personally caused in the past.  The normal names of slut, whore, man-eater hissed in my ear.  I’m sure it’s Daria.

She’s always had it out for me. She did seem to come to some sort of truce with Kit (at least temporarily), but she obviously doesn’t agree with the rest of the systems allowance of me “playing host” for a bit.

I know most of the names and whispers are true.  That’s what hurts the most.  But I’m trying to be positive.  Turn over that new leaf.  I’m not that woman anymore.

Maybe I need a new name…

Apparently I’m trash (or The Email’s reply)

It took a couple days for me to get the courage up to write this post.

Germany technically replied to my email Saturday, but I’ve been dwelling and dodging and playing that ostrich-head-in-the-sand that I do so well.

She’s upset.

Yay, I’m clairvoyant.  Texas said she wouldn’t upset because we’re best friends and best friends are supportive.  But my tummy-guts-feeling wins again.  She’s pissed.

She said I’m trash.

I’ve never had anyone call me that.  Not even when Texas probably thought something close to that last year when she was angry we got pregnant.  But she never called us anything like that.

And to have Germany call me that….

I was a mess Saturday night.  And I was very ill most of Sunday- at least partially psychosomatic I’m sure.

It’s sort of surprising who first brought me out of a thought process that was going to turn self-damaging.  Army.  I know, right?  Mr. Emotionally Void and Unavailable.  It’s like he’s a different person since we stopped living together.
___________________________________________

This was our text exchange:
Me:  Well, Germany thinks I’m a she-devil that’s ruined Jeff.  it’s a surprisingly hard blow to have a best friend think you’re trash.
Him: What happened?
Me: I emailed her briefly, updating her on my life, like I normally do, and apparently now I’m horrible. I dunno.  You don’t think I’m garbage, do you? Is that why you didn’t ever really want more than FWB?
Him: I do not think you are garbage. And the FWB thing is because of me and what I’m capable of. Not you.
____________________________________________

Obviously not some amazingly romantic talk, but at least encouraging.  And then Shadow Dragon and Puppy were nice enough to watch a movie with me Saturday evening (“Identity”, appropiately, lol) and that helped a lot.

But still….a best friend calling you trash is hard to swallow.

Maybe I am trash and I should just accept it.

Have I Ever….?

(Apologizes for the mess of posts today.  Thoughts are needing organizing.)

Okay, so someone on Facebook had this and it perked my interest.  Obviously I’m suuuuuuuper bored.

I thought it would be fun to do this as more of a multiple-themed thing.  So instead of “yes/no”, I’m going to put the name of which alter(s) have done the following:
*Note: the name will be put assuming we know who did it
*Note 2: some of these questions may be triggering to some.  The answers shouldn’t, as we aren’t planning to elaborate on our experience.
*Note 3: This is probably only remotely interesting to ourselves.  That’s fair.

_____________________________________________________________________________

100 Things

1. Had sex?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

2. Bought Condoms?
Charlotte

3. Gotten Pregnant?
Charlotte, technically (all of us were pregnant though, obviously)

4. Failed A Class?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori (Serefina refuses responsibility)

5. Kissed A Boy?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Serefina

6. Kissed A Girl?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

7. Used A Little Paper Bag for Lunch?
Armes, Claire, Rika, Roms, Serefina

8. Had A Job?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

9. Slipped On Ice?
Armes, Roms

10. Missed The School Bus?
Armes, Roms

11. Had sex with a girl?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

12. Bullied Someone On The Internet?
Rika, perhaps. But it would have been in retaliation to something most likely

13. Sexted?
Charlotte, Kit

14. Had Sex In Public?
Charlotte

15. Played On A Sports Team?
Mute, Rika, Serefina

16. Smoked Weed?
Charlotte (once)

17. Smoked Cigarettes?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina

18. Smoked A Cigar?
Charlotte, Serefina

19. Drank Alcohol?
Charlotte, Daria, Kit, Midori, Serefina, Victoria

20. Watched porn?
Charlotte

21. Skipped class?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika

22. Gotten Arrested?
No one (astounding probably…)

23. Done meth?
No one

24. Been To A Wedding?
Armes, Claire, Kit, Roms

25. Fell in love with a best friend?
Claire, Kit, Roms  (Charlotte refuses to acknowledge ever “falling in love”)

26. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?
Claire, Midori, Serefina

27. Watched TV For 5 Hours Straight?
Armes, Kit, Midori, Rika

28. Been Late For Work?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

29. Been Late For School?
Probably everyone at some point

30. Kissed In The Rain?
Charlotte and Roms (only ones not afraid of storms who will kiss someone)

31. Showered With Someone Else?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, RIka, Roms, Serefina

32. Failed My Drivers Test?
Kit (Rika took the 2nd attempt and passed with flying colors)

33. Cheated on a ex?
No one

34. Been Outside My Home Country?
All of us.

35. Been On A Road Trip Longer Than 5 Hours?
Daria, Kit, Midori, Mute, Rika, Serefina, Victoria

36. Had Lice?
Unknown- someone in 2nd or 3rd grade

37. Gotten My Heart Broken?
…all of us  (except Rika -eyeroll-)

38. Had A Credit Card?
Technically all of us, but only Charlotte, Kit, Midori, and Rika really go shopping

39. Been To A Professional Sports Game?
Mute, Midori, Rika (it’s always been with Daddy…)

40. Broken A Bone?
All of us

41. Am I BI/Gay/Lesbian?
Hm…Audrey, Claire, Kit, Midori, Roms, and Serefina admit to it.  Technically we’ve all been in a relationship with a woman, but the other deny being “normally” attracted to women

42. Won A Trophy?
Claire, Midori, Rika

43. Cut Myself?
Audrey, Daria, Midori, Victoria

44. Had An STD?
No one

45. Got Engaged?
Not legally- Ohio doesn’t accept same-sex marriage- but technically Katherine and I were engaged

46. Done ecstasy?
No one

47. Tried Out To Be On A TV Show?
No one

48. Rode In A Taxi?
All of us (from Chicago…obviously. Lol.)

49. Been To Prom?
Audrey, Kit

50. Played A Drinking Game?
Charlotte, Midori, Serefina

51. Stayed Up For 24 Hours Or More?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina, Victoria

52. Been To A Concert?
Midori

53. Had A Three-Some?
No one

54. Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex?
Audrey, Kit, Midori, Serefina

55. Been In A Car Accident?
All of us

56. Had Braces?
All of us

57. Learned Another Language?
Claire, Midori, Mute, Rika, Serefina

58. Killed An Animal?
No. Never. No one. Ever ever.

59. Been At A Yard Sale?
A variety of us

60. Been To A Japanese Steakhouse?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

61. Wore Make Up?
Charlotte, Claire, Kit

62. Talked To Someone Via Webcam?
All of us

63. Lost My Virginity Before I Was 16?
….

64. Had My Wisdom Teeth Taken Out?
All of us

65. Kissed Someone A Different Race Than Myself?
Charlotte

66. Snuck Out Of The House?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina

67. Bought Porn?
Charlotte

68. Had A Virus On My Computer?
All of us

69. Had Oral Sex?
Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Serefina

70. Dyed My Hair?
All of us

71. Gone Skinny Dipping?
Charlotte, Kit

72. Graduated From College?
No one (technically our degree is a couple credits short)

73. Wore Someone Else’s Clothes?
A variety of us (mostly Germany’s or Texas’s)

74. Voted In A Presidential Election?
Midori, Serefina

75. Rode In An Ambulance?
Unknown- too triggery

76. Rode In A Helicopter?
No one

77. Caught The Stove On Fire?
Charlotte (haha, taught her to leave the cooking to Middi and Roms)

78. Got In A Verbal Fight?
Charlotte, Kit, Rika

79. Met Someone Famous?
No one

80. Been On Vacation?
All of us

82. Been On A Boat?
All of us

81. Been On An Airplane?
All of us

83. Broken Something Expensive?
Unknown….there’s…something about this question, but I can’t quite remember

84. Had Surgery?
Does wisdom teeth removal count? That’s the only surgery we’ve ever had.

85. Been In Love?
Ah…yes.

86. Beat A Video Game?
Kit, Midori, Rika

87. Found Something Valuable On The Ground?
I don’t think so…

88. Made A Survey?
No one

89. Stalked Someone On A Social Network?
No one

90. Prank Called Someone?
Kit, Rika

92. Spent Over $100 Shopping In One Day?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori

91. Been To A Library Outside Of School?
Armes, Midori

93. Cut My Hair And Hated It?
Charlotte, Kit, Victoria

94. Peed Outside?
Roms (she’s the only one who likes camping/canoeing)

95. Went Fishing?
No one

96. Helped With Charity?
All of us

97. Taken A Pregnancy Test?
Audrey

98. Been Rejected By A Crush?
All of us

99. Been Suspended From School?
No one

100. Broken a mirror?
No one (we’re a superstitious bunch)

Healing

(Trigger warning for talk of suicidal thoughts and sex. Not at the same time…)

We’re doing better now.  Kit’s not hanging around much anymore, but I’m not really surprised by that.
I never thought I’d be the one running the show for longer than an evening, but everyone seems to have decided I should indefinitely, especially after this weekend.

Let me explain a bit.

We got a surprising amount of support after Friday.
Partly from my mother and Texas, who sweetly made sure I wasn’t left to my own devices for long after the Friday night disaster.
Texas was mad at me for not calling or texting her, but when I explained that though I was technically suicidal, my true goal of that night was just getting drugged enough to not feel emotions.  Which is what happened. She wasn’t happy, but she forgave me.  She doesn’t normally do that, so I was floored.  And much nicer to her than I usually am, not usually being a “girl’s girl” myself.

However, due to the fact that it’s been a long time since I’ve taken that many narcotics, I was extremely sick/hungover most of Saturday morning and fought nausea, shaking, and dizziness for most of the day.  I managed though, and by the evening was completely fine.
Well enough, in fact, to help run a Halloween-related booth at a local downtown Halloween store event.  It was fun and healing to enjoy my favorite holiday.

Then Sunday I went to lunch with my mother and Texas and just talked about life, men, friends, careers, and girly crap.  It was great.  Strange that I enjoyed it.  Rika and Roms think I’m evolving or something.  Fuck if I know.

________________________________________________________________________________

I also got constant texts from Army throughout the weekend.  Starting Friday night, actually.  I didn’t reply until Saturday due to my state-of-mind, but we chatted amicably Saturday morning.  Then in a rare moment of emotional-mental-semi-psychic/understanding, he figured out something was bothering me Saturday afternoon.

Being that Army and Jeff are very good friends, I didn’t elaborate.  That wouldn’t be fair.  And despite being told otherwise, I do care about and respect Jeff enough to not fuck-up friendships.
Army was a bit upset that I wouldn’t talk to him about it, but when I explained vaguely that it had to do with Jeff and I didn’t want to be unfair to their friendship, he understood.

Then he started pestering me Sunday to hang out.  After Monday night, I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea, but when I said I was going to see “Hotel Transylvania” with Texas and her boyfriend, he said he’d love to join us.

I was surprised, to say the least.

First of all, Army is not really into hanging out with other people, especially couples.  Secondly, he isn’t a big fan of animated movies.

I pressed him on why he was so insistent, and he said he just wanted to spend time with me.  This again, surprised me.  This weekend was just Surprise Central, obviously.

The movie was good.  A father-daughter movie, which made me a bit uncomfortable, but still enjoyable.  I had ridden to the theatre with Texas, so as we were leaving, I mentioned this to Army and he said he’d be happy to take me home.

We ended up making a detour to my mother’s law firm….because…ahem, despite my “evolving”, I’m still Charlotte.  And there wasn’t really anywhere else private for Army and I at 10pm on a Sunday. And I have keys to the small office and knew no one was going to be there.

I learned a couple things.

First of all, desk-sex is not as easy as porn and erotica would have you believe.
And floor sex is effin’ painful.  My back is killing me and I have rugburns in places a woman should not have rugburns.
And Army did this thing that…normally would have me uber-triggered (I won’t elaborate), but actually didn’t bother me at all.  If anything, I enjoyed it.

I never thought time with Army would be healing.  We actually spent most of the time just talking.

He was kind about the recent cuts on my thigh, which in the past he’s flipped out about.  I talked about some of my insecurities and all the ways I’m obviously a fuck-up and not a normal woman.  I talked a bit about James The Stranger.

He spent way more time that I thought he ever would in reassuring me that there’s nothing wrong with me not being able to do a lot of normal emotional things, and certainly nothing wrong with me physically (see Victoria??).
He only lectured me on driving into the middle of nowhere unsafely when it came to James.  When I joked about wishing he’d just murdered me in his creepy house in the middle of nowhere, Army got angry.  But then…he actually read my body language and emotional distress, and comforted me instead.  It’s like he’s possessed by an alien.

Afterwards, we went to Shadow Dragon’s.  He was supposed to just drop me off, but he said he really wanted to see Zoe if he could.  I hesitated, as I don’t like being a rude roommate and having people over without warning.

But Zoe is our weakness, so I caved and let him in, making him promise to be quiet.  Zoe was ecstatic to see him, which made me smile.  They played outside and then we sat on the couch together and talked a little bit more.

It’s been such a long time since I’ve actually just talked to Army.  Since before…yeah.  I even mentioned the whole miscarriage thing being part of what had me so depressed lately and he showed a surprisingly caring side.  I don’t want to talk about it in too much detail.  It was private and my moment and I don’t want to share it with the others.
The moment it’s written about in this blog, all the others have access to it.

I dunno why I feel possessive about Army.  I suppose to be fair, he’s always been mostly “my relationship”.  Kit and Audrey handled him for moments at a time, but it was usually me that spent time with him.

I just never thought I’d get so touchy-feely that I’d need some sort of healing.  And I never, ever thought he’d be the best one to provide it.

Self-sabotage and wishing

I know it’s bad when I can’t shoot vodka or rum. Just the attempts almost had me vomiting.

They want me to feel this heartbreak.  Won’t even let me drown these worthless emotions.

Thankfully, Victoria helped me manage Vicodin and T4. I won’t say how much. I don’t think it will kill me, but I sort of hope it does. I don’t think so though. Middi and Rika have too much control and they know exactly how much is too much.

Why can’t I deal with pain and heartbreak normally?
Why can’t I even deal with confrontation verbally?
I don’t remember most of this afternoon.
Mute “recorded” some of it internally for me, as Mute does when it’s out, but there are others who were out that won’t share.
One must have been Victoria or Daria, as I vomited a few times.
One was definitely Char or Middi- my clothes reek of cigarettes.

Claire actually screamed/yelled at Charlotte. She showed true anger.  That never happens. And Charlotte took it. Didn’t fight back at all.  But she’s also my main ally in taking these pills, so I know she isn’t guilt free. Claire refuses to talk to anyone now. Even Roms.
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Things are over with Jeff. Completely. Obviously it’s my fault. Completely. I sabotaged it. Like I do with all my relationships. I don’t know if I’ll even have any friends left in a couple days….

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Well that would be because the fuckhead can’t keep his goddamn mouth shut. You just fucking vent anonymously on a blog, but he decides to fucking vent to people who already love to fucking judge us and shit-talk us at the drop of a hat.
But we don’t fucking need friends. This is what happens when you fucking expose your fucking weaknesses like that.  Fucking men aren’t trustworthy. Take a goddamn leaf out of Charlotte’s book and just use them for sex. At least she doesn’t reveal deep fucking personal system secrets. Or get fucking attached. You fucking romantic drama fucking queens. All of you.
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I don’t know where to go from here.

I wish the one-night stand situation with James, The Stranger, had gone further south.

I wish he had killed us.