I ain’t good for anyone else…

I turn the TV off, to turn it on again
Staring at the blades of the fan as it spins around
Counting every crack, the clock is wide awake
Talking to myself, anything to make a sound

I told you I wouldn’t call, I told you I wouldn’t care
But baby climbing the walls gets me nowhere
I don’t think that I can take this bed getting any colder
Come over, come over, come over, come over, come over

You can say we’re done the way you always do
It’s easier to lie to me than to yourself
Forget about your friends, you know they’re gonna say
We’re bad for each other, but we ain’t good for anyone else

I told you I wouldn’t call, I told you I wouldn’t care
But baby climbing the walls gets me nowhere
I don’t think that I can take this bed getting any colder
Come over, come over, come over, come over, come over

We don’t have to miss each other, come over
We don’t have to fix each other, come over
We don’t have to say forever, come over
You don’t have to stay forever, come over

I told you I wouldn’t call, I told you I wouldn’t care
But baby climbing the walls gets me nowhere
I don’t think that I can take this bed getting any colder
Come over, come over, come over, come over, come over
-“Come Over”, Kenny Chesney

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I am weak.  As always.  I’ve always been weak.

I fall easily back into my label of “fuck-up”.

But it feels better this way.  I don’t deserve good. I don’t deserve real.  I don’t deserve respect.  It doesn’t matter.

I’d rather have a brief evening of laughter with him that a whole lifetime of romance.

Relationship Are Dumb

In light of this stupid V-day thing, I’ve been pondering relationships way too much.

I’m come to this conclusion: relationships are dumb.

I got into this whole discussion with Mama over at Mental Midwest (that was probably waaaay more drawn out that she needed to hear 😉 ) about relationships, men, and FWB.

And it’s got me thinking.

Craig is driving me nuts.

But I don’t think it’s entirely Craig’s fault (besides the creepy baby discussion).  I think I just don’t really get how to handle a relationship that demands a shit-ton of my time, attention, and possibly emotions.  I’m just not really that interested.

I thought that’s what I wanted.  I thought I wanted the deep, schmoozey, can’t-stop-thinking-about-them, meant-to-be kind of relationship. 
But I think that’s only because that’s the relationship Katherine and I had.  However, that also had aspects of abuse to it as well, so I definitely should not be holding it as some sort of standard.

I miss Army a lot.  And I’m so angry and resentful towards myself for these feelings.  I made myself examine why I got fed up with Army.  His flakiness.  Then I made myself examine whether I’m grumpier about Craig’s neediness, or Army’s flakiness.

And the results are surprising and a bit displeasing.

I’m coming to like living alone more and more.  I like being able to make spontaneous plans with friends only a day or two in advance.  I like being able to spend so much time with Zoe.  I like being able to only have to worry about my own finances.

I hate how Craig keeps pushing for me to come over to his place.  I hate how he planned this V-day thing on Friday over a week in advance.  I hate that he constantly wants to do something.  I hate that he can’t hold a conversation unless it involves computers, babies, his family, or his exes.

I miss that Army could/can always make me laugh.  He can always cheer me up.  He can always make me feel pretty. I loved that he likes the same sort of movies that I do.  I love that we like the same kind of food.  I love that we can talk about my job, his job, current events, mutual dumb shit we’ve heard and actually have a two-way conversation.

Goddammit I miss Army.

And the worse part is I know I could step right back into a “relationship” with him. 

We texted for two hours last night.  Just in a friendly sort of way.  He’s always been a good friend before the whole sex thing.  But sex did get brought up, like it does with him, and he sweetly said something about how I was the best and he missed it with me and he liked how it was always without awkwardness or extreme expectations.

I winced at hearing that because all it did was make me crave that sex again.

Ugh.

Relationships are dumb.

I think what I’m going to do is go to this thing on Friday with Craig, and if there aren’t amazing turnaround fireworks or something, I’m just going to let him down as nicely as I can (god I hate being that girl) and then re-evaluate me, myself, and I.  And my life.

And not immediately jump Army’s bones.

No.  I will wait.

Not immediately.

But perhaps…

Dammit.  I need to learn that self-control thing.

Treat sex like I do food.  Don’t want to get fat.

Patience.

Sucess and the Art of Ignoring

After that whole fretting thing in my last post I thought I should inform you all that the date went very well.

So well, in fact, that we actually went out again on Sunday.  And he actually went to museum with me- I’ve never dated anyone willing to do that.  He even seemed to enjoy it.  How strange.

We saw “Warm Bodies” (which was FANTASTIC) and had a couple of lovely dinners (on two separate days, obviously).  He seems really awesome and sweet and funny and a little bit awkward, but that works out because I’m a little bit awkward myself.

I’m trying to not let this stuff get away from me.  That is always a bad idea.  But I seem to have nicely accomplished that so far.  I’m letting myself have that nicely warm feeling but not dwelling or daydreaming like I (*ahem* Claire mostly) usually do.

There is a bit of recoil, like usual when it comes to a new relationship but I think I’m doing a great job ignoring it.  For the most part.  Victoria is livid over us eating a healthy dinner two days in a row so she’s fighting hard on the restricting front, but I’m too warm-feeling to even care.  In fact, I’m even going to a friend’s house tonight for dinner.  I think I’m actually winning against Victoria for once.  That’s never happened.

Apparently there’s something magical about the dating game…

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I suppose I need to come up with some alias since I’ll be taking about him for at least another week (we plan to get together again this weekend).

Let’s go with……

Craig.

Date

I have a date tomorrow.

With this guy I barely know.

Dunno why I’m doing it, really.  I think I’m trying to prove to myself that I can still manage normal.

I don’t really feel like dating or having a relationship at all.  But I currently have no single friends and it’s really hard to hang out with them and only hear “couple talk”.  I hate it.

I know this date tomorrow is cowardly and self-destructive and stupid and meaningless.  And completely unfair to the guy.  And I can’t find it in myself to care.

I think I’m in a story where I’m the villain.

I’m not really sure who the hero’s supposed to be.

Maybe they’ll win eventually and I won’t have to deal with all this anymore.

I think I’d like that.