October so far…

This month has been very rough.

My stepsister had her baby within mere days of my grandfather passing away. And both of those things happened within days of my miscarriage anniversary. Also my health has been super bad lately. Yay autoimmune disorders.

I don’t really feel like discussing or whining or seeming as depressed as I am. So here are some pics commemorating this month so far.

My grandfather and me when I was young.

An awful painting I did for a friend’s wine and painting party.

Zoe’s favorite sleeping position.

Zoe trying to comfort me on the couch

Possibility of death

I don’t why I’m so badly triggered.  So badly. Badbadbadbad.

The message Grandma sent me is bad. I know that. But why should it affect me so much?  I don’t know why I feel as if it’s a possibility of a parent dying.  I think there’s a whole chunk of memory about my paternal grandparents I’m forgetting.

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I just got told that my grandfather is possibly dying.  Possibly.  This is after my birthday card from them last week stated he was in the hospital with “heart trouble”.  The message (via Facebook) said that he’s been released from the hospital but that they “don’t think he’s going to last much longer”.

What?

What the hell does that mean? What am I supposed to do with that?  Why would you tell me like that?  Why in a fucking Facebook message?  This is the man I spent a huge chunk of my childhood with.  The only adult male in my family I love with my heart AND soul.

I knew there was a reason Chicago’s been calling to me.  I need to go.  I need to be there.

But I can’t.  Stupid work.  Stupid puppies.  Stupid money.  Stupid everything.

I just want to be there.  I just want to go.  Gogogogogogo.

I hate my life.  I hate my responsibilities.  I hate this.  I hate hate hate it.

Why am I so weak?

Be At Peace

I don’t want to take away from the grieving that is going on for Sara.  It’s not my place.  I just have to get my thoughts down about my friend I knew outside of these blogging walls that is also gone now.

But before I logged on here and saw about Sara, I was notified that a friend of mine committed suicide.  By hanging himself.  His poor girlfriend found him yesterday evening.

I can’t imagine that.  It’s just….I’m having a hard time just dealing with his death and he and I were never romantically involved.  In fact, he drove me nuts 90% of the time.  I have no alias for you readers as I didn’t really write about him.  I didn’t see him much lately.  I’m sad about that now.

He was only bipolar as far as I knew, but I know a lot of us keep our mental-health demons well hidden, especially with persons we know in real life, as opposed to the internet.

It isn’t officially known that he passed away yet.  I was only told because I’m close friends with his best friend.  I just don’t even know how to react.  I don’t know how to feel.

I intended to write about how I’ve been losing a lot of time and how a part of me is attempting to severe some relationship ties that I think they consider “unhealthy”.

But that all seems so petty and stupid now.

I’m here.

Despite some self-harm and minor health issues, I’m safe and sound.

The self-hatred hasn’t dragged me all the way down yet.

I bow my head for my friends who weren’t able to keep their heads above the water.  I know that water is dark and deep and it’s hard to keep treading.  You will find no judgment here, my friends.

Only love.

You are greatly missed.

Be well and at peace, wherever you are.

Edit/Note:  When I said “only bipolar” I did not mean that it is any lesser than any other mental-health diagnosis.  I only meant that his bipolar diagnosis was the only thing I was aware of.  I’m sure that in itself was a hard struggle for him daily.  I have no personal experience with being bipolar.  It was not my intention to offend anyone.  I apologize if I did.

Loss

This post is dedicated to Texas
(even though she doesn’t currently read my blog) 

Early this morning her grandmother passed away.  This is a woman who raised, sheltered, and loved Texas unconditionally while her mother and father struggled with a crippling drug habit that constantly threatened to destroy Texas’s childhood.
She has been battling cancer for months now- and this morning, she was finally called to rest and doesn’t have to be in pain anymore.

I wrote this for Texas; my best friend, the strongest woman I know- who is almost singlehandedly handling holding up her family and being supportive and helping with the necessary arrangements that need done, while also grieving for a woman who was essentially her mother.

I have been lucky enough to not have experienced the loss of a close family member (with the exception of my stepbrother, but he and I were not particularly close), so this poem is more of a empathetic supportive attempt at understanding loss.
______________________________________________________________

Loss

A girl thrown into darkness
A world apart
Nothing but a vast emptiness
A broken heart

These scratched out feelings
Can’t even express
Unending talk of angels and wings
When just trying to suppress

The need to run, to hide
To dig and dig and dig
That hole could hold her

While that sensation
Reverse déjà vu
On the edge of the mind

Something that can’t be forgotten
Remembered
Kept
Cherished

Stop saying those words:
“Are you okay?”
Nothing is okay
But despite that hole calling
Singing it’s sweet refrain
She manages to stand tall
A woman
Shining with all the strength, courage, and love
Of loss