Tag Archives: drinking

Self-sabotage and wishing

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I know it’s bad when I can’t shoot vodka or rum. Just the attempts almost had me vomiting.

They want me to feel this heartbreak.  Won’t even let me drown these worthless emotions.

Thankfully, Victoria helped me manage Vicodin and T4. I won’t say how much. I don’t think it will kill me, but I sort of hope it does. I don’t think so though. Middi and Rika have too much control and they know exactly how much is too much.

Why can’t I deal with pain and heartbreak normally?
Why can’t I even deal with confrontation verbally?
I don’t remember most of this afternoon.
Mute “recorded” some of it internally for me, as Mute does when it’s out, but there are others who were out that won’t share.
One must have been Victoria or Daria, as I vomited a few times.
One was definitely Char or Middi- my clothes reek of cigarettes.

Claire actually screamed/yelled at Charlotte. She showed true anger.  That never happens. And Charlotte took it. Didn’t fight back at all.  But she’s also my main ally in taking these pills, so I know she isn’t guilt free. Claire refuses to talk to anyone now. Even Roms.
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Things are over with Jeff. Completely. Obviously it’s my fault. Completely. I sabotaged it. Like I do with all my relationships. I don’t know if I’ll even have any friends left in a couple days….

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Well that would be because the fuckhead can’t keep his goddamn mouth shut. You just fucking vent anonymously on a blog, but he decides to fucking vent to people who already love to fucking judge us and shit-talk us at the drop of a hat.
But we don’t fucking need friends. This is what happens when you fucking expose your fucking weaknesses like that.  Fucking men aren’t trustworthy. Take a goddamn leaf out of Charlotte’s book and just use them for sex. At least she doesn’t reveal deep fucking personal system secrets. Or get fucking attached. You fucking romantic drama fucking queens. All of you.
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I don’t know where to go from here.

I wish the one-night stand situation with James, The Stranger, had gone further south.

I wish he had killed us.

#1 – Hosting a Party

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#1 – A Role That Cheers Me Up:
Hosting a Party

Yesterday I hosted a surprise (and belated) birthday party for a friend of mine.  I haven’t hosted a party since way before I sunk into this downward spiral of depression and mental-misery.  I think the last one was a birthday BBQ for Germany over a year ago.

I love hosting parties.  I love planning them, buying supplies for them, getting my place ready, baking, cooking, setting up games/movies and such, welcoming people, making sure they have enough food and drink, etc., etc.
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I hosted my first true party back in high school.  It was a Halloween scary movie sleepover for a bunch of girl classmates.

I was instantly hooked.  I’d been to other people’s parties before and I didn’t enjoy them usually.  I hate the forced social expectations that just would make me awkward.  But I discovered in hosting, I had this measure of control.  And it was exhilarating.

I’ve hosted many, many, many parties over the years.  Some were fantastic and are still talked about.  Some were awful. And are unfortunately still talked about.  I suppose either way they tend to be memorable.

My Halloween ones were a big thing for years, until I wasn’t able to do one last year.  I miscarried in October and was no where near a good place mentally to plan and host a party. I didn’t even want to celebrate Halloween- which says a lot.
In fact, I’m a little nervous about this October as I’m already feeling that one year anniversary of that horrible week creeping up on me and I don’t want to think about it, but I can’t seem to make myself not think about it…
Ahem. Happy thoughts.

Hence this 30 Day challenge to try and shake the crippling blues!
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The party last night seems to have been a success, though it was a little more relaxed and just simple “hanging out” than most of my parties.

I drank too much due to my extreme nervousness at having a party for the first time in over a year.  Let’s just say the party was in full swing at about 6 or 6:30pm and I was generously tipsy at 4pm…>_>

I did manage to contain a couple alter-freak-outs/triggers.

The first was when I went to check on my cat in my old bedroom and someone had moved my old ballerina jewelry box near the doorway.  Armes was triggered and slipped out and curled up, winding it to play while she sucked her thumb and cried, having flashbacks.
She won’t tell me of what.  She hasn’t parted with a lot of her memories of the body’s early abuses. But she only did that for a couple minutes, and then I was able to return to the party, no one the wiser.

Then later a friend spilled a full cup of a mixed drink onto the carpet.
Due to my father being out of town, I was hosting the party at his house (it’s big enough for a comfortable party and has a big flatscreen TV).  We immediately started freaking out about ruining Dad’s carpet and Rika popped out and cussed up a storm at our friend.
Thankfully he seems to just have attributed it to the mess and us being drunk (though Rika instantly sobered of course).  And he kept trying to pet and massage our head which just triggered me or Roms to come out, so Rika wasn’t able to keep control anyway.

The night ended well and I’m glad I got to do a role I enjoy so much.

Below are some snapshots I took (or Texas took of me….) during the prep and the party itself. Sorry they’re so blurry. My drunk-hands take crummy pictures and Texas can’t figure out how to work my tablet.

Enjoy!