4

I took 4 Primatene tablets today. 

I know that was dumb.

I know that.

I’m a little on edge now because of it.  Ok.  More than a little.  That much ephedrine going through my system is not a good thing.  I know.  I know I know I know.

Army’s pissed at me.  I dunno why I told him.  I should have just lied.  I did lie slightly, saying I was “distracted” and “didn’t realize” I hadn’t already taken a dose. 

Total lie.

I intended to take 4 from the beginning.

I’m not exactly sure why.  Except that work is stressing me. 

We have two people out of town this week and files piling up on my desk and my supervisor breathing down my neck and the program demanding moremoremore and a customer service webinar that’s required I attend but I can’t fit it into my schedule without taking a productivity hit but my supervisor wants higher and higher productivity and-

I just can’t do it all.

I thought maybe 4 would make me more of a superhero.

But I just feel nervous, my heart racing, and the air around me seems to be vibrating.

Is that normal?

It’s fine.  I can get through these files. I don’t settle.  I’ve never settled.  I am perfection at my job.  I always manage what is requested of me.

 

I can be Wonder Woman.

Foresight

**Trigger warning for pill abuse

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Some part of me had the foresight to purchase a whole box of Primatene a week or so ago.  I’m very glad.

I do not technically have asthma. But that’s not really important.

Things are pretty much falling apart right now.  But I can at least pop 3 or 4 Primatene pills and have the magic of ephedrine carry me through my days.

Better than the alternative at the moment.

I am a little sad that I’m slipping back into my problem with pills.  But I really don’t want to do anything worse to myself.  It’s either these pills or darker things.   Things that leave more evidence.  I have to appear normal.

I have to put on my happy face and nothing helps more these yellow bitter pills.

It also does an excellent job of curbing my appetite while keeping my energy high.  Two-fold benefits.  Yay.

I know I can’t do this for too long.  I know.  But I can’t think about that right now.  I just want to coast for a little bit.

Maybe I can coast to somewhere a little better than here.

Baby Steps

I think I really am going to try being single.  For reals. 

it’s probably going to suck, but perhaps- just perhaps- it may be awesome and enlightening and I will get to know me better.  It’s been awhile since I’ve done the whole single thing for real.

And besides the whole Craig being weird thing, there are some other things that the Universe I think is using to try and tell me to stop doing the whole dating thing.

#1
I am super sick.  Out of nowhere yesterday, I just started feeling like I’d been beaten up and my head hurt.  Then all last night I had a high fever and this morning I had to take a pile of drugs in order to go to work.  In fact, such a pile that I had to be driven to work as I didn’t trust myself to drive.
(I think I’ve mentioned before that ephedrine is magic 😉 )
Sick on Vday??? How strange!  Also, I doubt I’ll be feeling better enough to go on a stupid date with Craig tomorrow night.

#2
Stupid Craig texted me this morning bitching about feeling “under the weather” and that he called off work.  I feel like a bitch, but I have little sympathy considering I was up all night with a fever of 102 and still dragged my butt to work today.  Granted, that’s mostly because I need the money and there are other people in my department that took today off, so I would get a mark on my record for not coming in (and possibly fired).  But I really don’t want to play the whole nursing/sympathy thing with Craig feeling ill.  I suck at it and I know it’s selfish, but I hate doing it.  I really have to care about someone before I’ll play nurses aid to their ailments.  It’s not that I’m actively trying to be a bitch, I just hate illness and I was never “taken care of” as a child when I was sick, so I have absolutely no clue how to go about doing that whole thing.  The most I’ve ever done is brought Texas and Germany meds or special food/drink.  I think I made soup for Army once.  But I don’t do much in that whole department.  Not my thing.  Sorry Craig- barking up the wrong tree.

#3
My coworker that I’m starting to become good friends with- ahem I should take a leaf out of Weegee’s book and actually give her a blog-name- let’s go with…Hannah.  Not sure why.  Not even close to her real name.  I just like that name.   Anyway, Hannah reminds me of Germany a lot.  She’s really smart, doesn’t take shit, hilarious, and has a healthy interest in men and booze.  However, she’s had the same sort of crummy luck that I have with men lately.  We’ve been comparing notes for weeks and laughing about our similar disappointments.  Today she asked if I would want to go get drinks tonight to celebrate being unattached, single, and fantabuloso.  I told her I most certainly would like to.  She said she’d text me when she gets off her evening job, which should be at about 8.  I’m sort of proud of myself for being excited about it.

#4
Zoe.  I don’t really need to go into this much, I’m sure.  Ya’ll know how much I adore my lil’ puppy kid.  She is my world and I love her.  It said a lot that she didn’t like Craig.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to pursue a relationship with a person my dog dislikes.  Simple as that.

So, baby steps.  I can do this.  I think as long as I remain semi-social, I can manage being single.

-crosses fingers-