Slipping back into the compulsive habits of checking my hair and skin every time it feels like more than a minute has passed. (has it?) Checking all online media and the cell phone for unknown communications. Checking the usual hiding places for blades or pills.
Habits left over from a girl who learned to survive. The others I’m sure wouldn’t call me that. I’m the part usually overlooked. Much dismissed.
I bring the clocks out and set them around the bedroom. Make sure the batteries are fresh. I can accept the lost time, but I at least want to account for it.
A good six hours gone today. Sucked into the curling smoke of nothing. In fractions and fragments. Nothing seems to be more than 30 minutes. Here and there.
I keep checking to make sure items stay in their hiding places. I keep checking the skin and taking blood pressure. So far no more than bruises and scratches. That I can handle. And the blood pressure is not ideal, but it is not hospital-level. I am determined.
Though I have just as much of a desire to stay far away from doctors while we are like this, I have no desire to put us in direct harm. I am not a suicidal part.
(Note: I recently changed my display name without realizing it’s going to have all of you re-approve my comments as acceptable. Sorry for the inconvenience!!)
Today I focused on little sensations that give me strange pleasure. Just to give me something semi-positive without dwelling on how my life is going right now.
Here’s a little list of what I’ve done so far:
1. The way the brush stops a bit earlier than I remember, as I got my hair cut last night. Not dramatically (I freak out if my hair is too short- and I consider shoulder-length short), but enough that the brush stops before I expect it to. It isn’t a terrible sensation, disconcerting yes, but comforting. Small changes are good.
2. Gently placing the tips of my fingers right by the bottom of a running faucet. Right where the pile of bubbles are. It’s like water giving you a cool raspberry and it always makes me smile.
3. The automatic way I can shift my car to get going in the morning. Some aspects of automatic driving scare me, but I like the way the shift clicks from reverse into drive smoothly and my foot moves pedals without thinking.
Unfortunately, then I had to go to work. Work is not a place I feel comfortable or happy at right now, so not a lot of pleasant sensations there.