Attempting Focus

I am scared to leave the bedroom.

I have hidden the car keys.

Slipping back into the compulsive habits of checking my hair and skin every time it feels like more than a minute has passed. (has it?)
Checking all online media and the cell phone for unknown communications. Checking the usual hiding places for blades or pills.

Habits left over from a girl who learned to survive. The others I’m sure wouldn’t call me that. I’m the part usually overlooked. Much dismissed.

I bring the clocks out and set them around the bedroom. Make sure the batteries are fresh. I can accept the lost time, but I at least want to account for it.

A good six hours gone today. Sucked into the curling smoke of nothing. In fractions and fragments. Nothing seems to be more than 30 minutes. Here and there.

I keep checking to make sure items stay in their hiding places. I keep checking the skin and taking blood pressure. So far no more than bruises and scratches. That I can handle. And the blood pressure is not ideal, but it is not hospital-level. I am determined.

Though I have just as much of a desire to stay far away from doctors while we are like this, I have no desire to put us in direct harm. I am not a suicidal part.

I remain as vigilant as I can for those that are.

-Roms

Sensations

(Note: I recently changed my display name without realizing it’s going to have all of you re-approve my comments as acceptable.  Sorry for the inconvenience!!)

Today I focused on little sensations that give me strange pleasure.  Just to give me something semi-positive without dwelling on how my life is going right now.

Here’s a little list of what I’ve done so far:

1.  The way the brush stops a bit earlier than I remember, as I got my hair cut last night.  Not dramatically (I freak out if my hair is too short- and I consider shoulder-length short), but enough that the brush stops before I expect it to.  It isn’t a terrible sensation, disconcerting yes, but comforting.  Small changes are good.

2. Gently placing the tips of my fingers right by the bottom of a running faucet.  Right where the pile of bubbles are.  It’s like water giving you a cool raspberry and it always makes me smile.

3. The automatic way I can shift my car to get going in the morning.  Some aspects of automatic driving scare me, but I like the way the shift clicks from reverse into drive smoothly and my foot moves pedals without thinking.

Unfortunately, then I had to go to work.  Work is not a place I feel comfortable or happy at right now, so not a lot of pleasant sensations there.

Hopefully more will happen soon.