Tag Archives: food

Marrying the mental and the mischief

It always surprises me how aspects of my kink related play marry to other aspects of myself.

Let me back up briefly.

 It’s about to get a bit personal.

I have struggled with an eating disorder for over the past decade, though I am now medically considered recovered. I was hospitalized for it back in my late teens and it has influenced some of my current medical conditions.

My relationship with food is still complicated. Especially around holidays like Thanksgiving. I have to navigate a prickly maze of thorn-laden hedges in my brain to merely sit down with family and eat a plateful of food.

I deal with it in my day-to-day life mostly by grazing. It tricks my brain and those darkly creeping thoughts to only eating a little at a time. It’s the plates full of food in front of other people that sets off that siren screaming in my head. Calling the cruel goddess Ana to my brain with her poisoned words and glittering sharp teeth. Just a couple pounds less. Always just a couple less.
Her demand of sacrifice is a throwback to the days of pagans gathered around an unfortunate virgin, knives gleaming.

But I have found a surprising weapon in the community and exploration of kink. Not just the support I receive from friends and mentors when the dark thoughts curl around my feet, but also the play itself.

The subspace is untouchable by Ana. It is a thickly layered brick maze that she cannot navigate. The stinging of a flogger, the thudding of a paddle, they add barbed wire to those brick walls. The rip of tape, the slithering sound of rope, the zap of electricity…

All of these things are soothing to me. They bring me to a place that I cannot bring myself. 

It may seem unorthodox, and I’m sure the average mental-health professional would be floored by the therapy I get from play. After hitting subspace, I haven’t the inclination or motivation to count calories or restrict myself.

The food I put in my mouth after a scene is so goddamn guilt-free delicious.

Weekend Summary

(Slight bit of sex-talk, FYI)

I just want to sort of summarize this past weekend.

I had a pretty decent birthday.  Not many people showed up to my drive-in party, but I’m not particularly surprised.  I know my “circle of friends” has dwindled drastically in the past three years.  It ended up pretty much just being four of us (Me, Army, Texas, and her boyfriend) for the whole two movies. My mother and one of my brothers popping in for a bit to see the first one. 

There was a lot of food thrown at me during the day.  That was hard to deal with.  Mom insisted on taking me out to breakfast and I struggled with looking like I ate more than a couple mouthfuls.  For an early dinner (I skipped lunch), I went out with Texas and the boys to a local Turkish restaurant that I really like.  And I was completely suckered in by the lamb chops I ordered.  But I skipped most of the appetizer and didn’t eat any of the cupcakes I baked for the drive-in.  I was good.

I felt awkward in the dress I wore, since it was shorter and clingier than I tend to wear. Though everyone said they liked it.  Texas’ boyfriend actually made a weirdly big deal out of complimenting me which felt strange. 

The movies were both good (Iron Man 3 and Oz). 

Army was very affectionate almost the whole time.  Total surprise since he’s not normally like that at all.  Even at the drive-in when there were a bunch of people around.  He’s told me in the past that he doesn’t like “PDA”.  Then he came home with me and spent the night. 

The sex was decent that night, but I think I was sort of withdrawing and worried it would be like Thursday night’s.  But Sunday morning I got a real bday present of my first oral-based orgasm.  I should probably mention that I’m a big fan of morning sex, so that probably made a big difference.  That and he just really…really…really wouldn’t give up.  It was different, but not bad I guess. I dunno.  I’m sort of unnerved by it.

He left pretty soon after that and I went to Mom’s for a bit to check on Zoe and puppies, who she pet-sat for me on Saturday so I wouldn’t have to worry about them.  The puppies are so very happy to run around her backyard.  It’s cute.  They also took a nap with me in the sunny grass, which was nice.

Today I’m feeling a wicked cold coming on (which I am thankful that it skipped my bday plans) and I’m mad at myself for missing Army a lot.  Well, not really for missing him.  I’ve done that before.  But for texting him and outlining more emotionally that he spoiled me these past couple days and that I wish I had a birthday more often so I could actually get that sort of attention from him more frequently.

I hate admitting that sort of need.

His response was actually sweet though.  He said he’s going to try and be closer to me in general from now on.  I think I like that idea.  I think.

We’ll see.