Tag Archives: friendship

Competing with Myself (TW**)

I know this can be an especially hard trigger for the mental health community and survivors in general. I do want to reassure my friends that my interest in impact is 100% consensual and a cathartically-theraputic release for me. I am not being abused in any way, shape, or form. But I needed to write about this and put it out into the world. I have mentioned some BDSM stuff before.
But please don’t feel like you need to read it. I promise it’s okay if you don’t. I do plan a more PG rated update this week as well.

These last weeks have been rough.

They have been a blender of loss, frustration, depression, anxiety, and self-loathing. The combination of my grandfather passing within days of the anniversary of my miscarriage has my headspace a mess. Halloween stress and relationship turmoil hasn’t helped.

Thankfully, I’ve had some great support along the way.

I’ve recently become closely involved in the local BDSM/kink community in my city. I imagine that seems extra nuts for a nutty person who survived childhood sexual abuse.

I will say my specific interests are extremely focused, have nothing to do with non-consent, and I only do anything sexual/fluid-exchange related with my partner Army. I still consider myself monogamous, though some argue that fact and consider non-sexual impact play with others makes me poly.
But that’s a whole other topic. Army is aware of my interest though, and supportive. I am not dishonest in this interest.

The Experience

In October, I was happy to be able to attend a private BDSM play party with some trusted friends I’ve made over the past six months. I wanted to try and relax and let myself feel more normal. Away with the swirling cyclone of blackness I’ve been caught in. Let in some fresh air and some good conversation. And of course, break out the floggers and paddles.

I thought bottoming in a simple impact scene would be good for me.

It felt like a mere five minutes before I tapped out (I was lovingly assured it wasn’t that short of time). I could immediately tell by the minimal level of red skin and bruising on my rump that I hadn’t taken the level of impact I normally do. My mind immediately recalled a recent scene with the same trusted tops where I took over an hour of play, building up to some good thuddy and stingy impact tools. I was thoroughly bruised for days. And the cathartic release and therapeutic stillness in my head had lasted for hours afterwards. My main goal.

I am what’s called a masochistic bottom (or sub). I get off not only on the pain and surrender of control during the scene, but the flash of pain I can achieve 1-3 days later by doing that casual “bruise-press” with my hand. It’s something that helps silence both the cacophony of voices/thoughts in my head and the daily autoimmune issues. I suppose the endorphins released could be compared to self-harm, but I like to think this coping technique is healthier. Definitely safer. There is no bleeding or scaring level injuries.

Just the beautiful canvas of colors on my rear that can occasionally bloom in a distracting way.

But this scene certainly won’t give me much of that.

It wasn’t that the scene became too painful, per se. It was more that I could feel the subspace drop almost immediately, along with an edge of wanting to cry. Like, full on sob. And I wasn’t brave enough to cry in front of multiple people. Even if they are my friends, I’ve never felt comfortable with public crying.

And yet the other bottoms that were scening already had some beautiful bruises blooming on their own rears.

My jealously ran quick and deep. Not a jealously of their specific bruises. A jealously of my earlier self, who would have easily gotten such badges of honor.

I do know bottoming in a scene isn’t a competition between persons.

But this was the first time I learned that I have to count myself among those persons. I’m not competing with myself.

It’s been a hard lesson to learn. It’s an ongoing lesson as I write this. I suppose the whole DID thing doesn’t help when it comes to self-competition. And I definitely noticed the fact that it wasn’t Charlotte who was 100% fronting during this scene like usual. She could always take more than any of the rest. Even my co-concious self.

I’m blessed enough to have some great local friends in the community who were unbelievably kind about my insecurities. I even had the tops from the scene take me aside afterwards and reassure me. Now those are some awesome people to keep in a play roster. Their intuitive understanding is the best I’ve encountered. Actually, they’re the only people in the past six months I’ve trusted enough to play with on my own (i.e without Army) and multiple times.

Even though my direct grief influences will most likely end soon, I have to figure out the balancing game of dealing with grief and still trying to remain active in the scene. I don’t want to have this sort of sub/grief drop again.

I imagine it is a process that takes time. I don’t think it’ll be easy, but it’s looking like I have a great support network while I get this lesson down.

Rotten week

This week is a bad one.
Screen Shot 2015-05-13 at 7.55.13 PM
1.) The wake of Mother’s Day. A holiday I haven’t dealt with well for a couple years now. Add to that my stepfather being extra-dick to my mom while we tried to bond and it was an extra-rotten day.

2.) My best friend is finally visiting the U.S. from all Germany. But she’s on the other side of the country. To be fair, her mom bought the plane ticket (that’s where her mother’s family lives). But it’s rough having her closer and yet still so far. Almost a full five years since I was last able to hug her.

3.) My stepsister announced her pregnancy. Accidental. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But she’s flipping a bit on how to deal. And where to go. It’s shockingly familiar to me. And yet, my father is welcoming her with open arms. That’s a whole fucking different story than when it was me. I do wish her the best, but dealing with my family’s fluffy treatment of her compared to the brick walls I got is extremely difficult.

4.) Still haven’t found a job. Not handling that well.

5.) My brother, Grey’s, constant parties and having friends over while not actually helping me clean/maintain the household is starting to raise my anxiety to unmanageable levels. I’ve basically been holed in my room for 3 days now, slipping out briefly only to let the dog out.

6.) Food and I are not getting along. Grey keeps asking me about grocery shopping (because he doesn’t want to put forth his own money of course…) and I keep telling him later. It’s gotten to the point that he’s bringing himself home food from work since our kitchen is pretty much bare. But I like it bare. It makes the restricting easier. I wish he would recognize the signs and just go shopping himself. Gods know I’m not going to tell him.

7.) I’m supposed to drive across the state on Saturday to visit an old friend I haven’t seen in years (we’re both depressed about Germany not coming to Ohio). I’m both stressed and looking forward to it. Hoping I don’t make an idiot of myself. I also somehow need to get my ass in gear by Friday night because I promised to bring a baked dessert. Fuck.

8.) I would like to sleep until fall please. Thanks.

I’m not trying to list complaints in hopes for some pats on the back or anything. I just need to try and purge it, so to speak. Listing them sometimes helps. Perhaps I can focus on other things now.

I can hope, right?



I think I’ve done something crazy.

Well, like a normal kind of crazy. Not a crazy kind of crazy.

Maybe I better explain.

A dear friend of mine is in a tight spot financially and physically. She just finished a complicated pregnancy. Thankfully, the baby is absolutely perfect without health issues. She is still recovering (had to do a c-section for medical reasons) and cannot do much for 6 weeks. For reasons I don’t really want to get into (even though this is semi-anonymous, it’s still her life and her privacy and I want to respect it), she needs a place to stay for a couple weeks. Possibly 2-3 months.

Since I have a 4 bedroom house and no landlord, I offered mine.

I am not sure how it will go. But it clicked the moment I offered. I don’t get much into religion on this blog, but I think I did the right thing. It felt right. On a spiritual level.

I suppose we shall see.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to help with figuring out some supply stuff, doctor referrals, and safe transport type things. I am hoping it goes as smoothly as it can.

Any thoughts (and prayers) are appreciated.

Enjoy this picture of me holding the cutest baby in the freaking world. Seriously, he’s perfect.

Me and the baby


Things I need today:

1.) The case and/or trial for the asshats, who invaded the family of my best friend’s home and tied them up at gunpoint, to go at quickly and with as little hassle for those I care about. They’ve already been through enough.

2.) My uterus to stop trying to murder itself or whatever the hell it’s doing in there. Whatever it is, it’s way too painful to suffer through at work. Ready for a heating pad and bed.

3.) To find a new job. Being laid off at the end of the year sucks. Even if it’s for the “best reason possible” (my government contract is ending and my company couldn’t find a replacement) so I got many recommendation letters and references/referrals. But I really don’t want to go through unemployment.

4.) Thanksgiving to go swiftly. There is too much family coming into town and having to try and manage two separate Thanksgiving dinners within a 3 hour period is already intimidating me. I just want it to be Friday right now.

5.) My boxes to finish unpacking themselves. I swear to god at my new house the unpacking never ends. I came from a freakin’ one bedroom apartment. Where did all this stuff come from???

6.) My physical-health to remain at a low, manageable level during my (hopefully brief) period of no insurance. I can’t deal with a hefty medical bill at the moment.

7.) My mental-health to continue to cope as best it can with the severe lack of friendship lately. I’m going to keep assuming it’s holidays, or school, or work, or other matters that caused my “pool” of friends and support to suddenly dry up, even if that darker part of me assumes it’s me (of course it’s you- you’re a terrible friend). But I can push through this. With the help of the pills and the powder, I can deal with it myself.

Gentle thoughts to all of you.

Disclaimer: #7 is referring to friends I deal with in person. I know many of my followers on here (and one I talk to via email/messaging) are very supportive. And I appreciate that. It’s just hard when I don’t have someone to literally sit next to me and make me focus on something besides my own head.

Petty Drama

“We accept the love we think we deserve”  -Stephen Chboksy, “Perks of Being a Wallflower”

I’m feeling a bit divided today.

Basically, Facebook drama has reared its ugly head.  Sometimes I wonder why I’m even on Facebook.

I hate that I have to blog about something that seems so very petty, but it’s really upset me.

Army, during this probationary period we’re trying, recently decided to take more of an interest in my social life and what makes me happy.

I decided to share a little about some of my best coping techniques.  One of those includes the lovely friendship I have with Rogers.  It’s extremely rare for me to feel this emotionally comfortable with someone of the opposite gender.

It’s nice to be able to just honestly tell someone about my emotional state and when I’m triggered and what the trigger entails, etc.  I don’t have to be vague.  I don’t have to say something like “Oh…it’s just been a stressful day.”

It’s a relief.

I sometimes worry that I take advantage of my friendship with Rogers.  It’s hard to have so few friends who really know “me”. Also, he’s one of my few “techy” friends, so he gets bombarded with dumb questions like “How do I take a screenshot on my new iPhone?”

Anyway. Told Army about how Rogers is a really amazing friend. And Army seemed to take a genuine interest. I also realized they’ll probably both be at a Halloween event that I’m helping with this year.

Now, Army is very very Libertarian (conservative leaning) and Rogers is very liberal (socialist ideals).  They’ve butted heads over this in the past.

I requested that Army respect Rogers were they to encounter each other at said Halloween event. Army agreed.

Then this morning, he decided to friend Rogers on Facebook. I have no clue why. But within ten minutes, he finds a liberal slanted status and proceeds to reply with patronizing snark.

Rogers, who suffers from some similar anxiety and confrontation-fear that I do, decided to unfriend Army and delete the post.  Understandable.

Army then messages me about the situation and tries to appeal to the fact that he “just had to explain something close to [his] heart”.  (Note: he means gun legislation)

I feel torn. I understand how Army is about gun control. But I also feel he isn’t understanding how it looks to Rogers. He thought he was being offered something akin to an olive branch, and suddenly it’s being snapped in half.

I dislike conflict.  I dislike having to “pick sides”.

Honestly, I’m on Rogers’. Army was completely unreasonable.

But this makes me worry that my romantic life and social life will not be able to easily mix.  Ever. This isn’t the first friend of mine that Army has alienated.

How can my relationship with Army be long term if he can’t understand how not to insult my friends?

This really is unnecessary stress, but I can’t seem to force myself to move beyond my concerns.

I’m now thinking about telling Army he can’t come to the Halloween event.  Which seems entirely unfair; both to him and myself (I do enjoy his company when he isn’t an asshat).

But I know I won’t enjoy it if it turns into some insult/debate-athon.

I just wish he could shut down that part of him for others like he does for me.  But it doesn’t seem to be possible.

I also feel dumb for dumping this petty drama in a post on my blog.  I promise to return to more deep and relevant posts in the future.

Thanks for your patience (if you’ve even read this far).

Hope your day is going better than mine.

Where I am

WordPress just informed me that today is the anniversary of my blog.  

This is bittersweet to hear.

I am in a bad place right now.  After my last post, I was very very ill for three days (there is no glory in taking excessive laxatives).  

I had hoped that I would be leaps and bounds better from where I was a year ago today.  It doesn’t feel that way at all.  

Honestly, I wish I could just fade away quietly.  I am too cowardly and tired of the pain from the laxatives to do anything violent towards myself.  But if I could just push a button and be gone…

However, taking a look at the positive:

I have so many wonderful new friends.  You all are such great supports and I know I would be in a worse place now (perhaps even gone) if it weren’t for you.  Yes, you.

I have learned so many things.  Coping, support, just the mere empathizing has been a great thing.

I have laughed, I have cried, I have gasped in horror, I have shivered with excitement.  Your lives have enriched mine- even over the seeming impersonal world of blogging and the internet.

Two days ago I almost shut down this blog.  I am still scared, depressed, disgusted (with myself), exhausted, sad, angry, heartbroken and so much more.  

But I have to remind myself all the good this blog has done.  All the help it has provided me.  And that it is okay to just take a step back sometimes.  

It’s also okay to ask for help.

When I wanted to shut it down two days ago- it was because I was so scare to ask for help.  I was so angry with myself for taking so many laxatives.  I thought I deserved punishment.  And you guys always make me feel better.

I wanted to shut down that support for good.

But I’m so glad I did not.

So happy anniversary to myself.  And I hope I am able to stumble back onto my feet sometime soon.

Warm thoughts to all of you ❤ ❤ ❤

For Germany

Today is my best friend Germany’s birthday.  She is such an amazing woman I had to write something up for her.

(Officially, I’m still on a blog-vacation, so pretend you didn’t see me 😉 )

1.) I can tell this girl pretty much anything. 
Sometimes I get a firm kick in the ass about me being a dolt and/or idiot.  And by sometimes, I mean a lot of times.  And sometimes there is some disagreeing points of view.  But then time passes and we always realize that we’re better friends than any argument.

2.) She makes me want to be better/cooler/stronger.
This girl is AMAZING.  She’s traveled all over the place and is even LIVING overseas.  Sure it’s scary, sure it’s hard, but damn, she just pushes on through.  I want to be like that.   I pine for her ability to be blunt as hell all the time.

3.) She can wear any hat or pair of sunglasses and look fantastic.
It’s a weird effin’ super power.  But she has it.  We’ve searched the planet for a hat or pair of sunglasses that makes her look frumpy.  To no avail.

4.) She knows my moods better than I do.
I can’t lie to this girl (in person).  I can’t pretend to be fine when I’m not.  I can’t wear that mask I wear so effortlessly at times.  It pisses me off when people see through my mask usually.  She is one of the rare gems that I revel in not having to play pretend.  I can be fighting a migraine, bitchy as hell, and this woman will simply ask if I want to swing through somewhere and get a diet coke.  Or she’ll do me one better and bring me one!

5.) Distance means nothing.
Jack shit.  Absolutely nada.  I know there are days, weeks (hopefully not months… L) that we lapse in conversation due to our busy lives.  But it means nothing.  She’s still who I think of whenever I go to Starbucks.  She’s who I want to tell about some cute guy I saw.  I always wish she was around when I’m halfway through a cigarette so I can share the rest.

6.) She makes clothes shopping fun.
There’s ALWAYS time for a montage when shopping with her.  It’s 50% of why we go!  Doesn’t matter if I look awkward or frumpy- all the more laughter is had by all. 

7.) She will hate my enemies with (or for) me.
This seems juvenile, I’m sure, but it is immensely satisfying to have a friend who helps validate those people that are just toxic and awful and you shouldn’t be around.  If I waver on whether they’re truly bad for me, she knows and she rages on my behalf.  She isn’t try to dictate how I feel; she reminds me of why I decided to avoid that person in the first place.  After all, I am forgetful/indecisive in my opinions of people.

8.) She knows pretty much all my secrets.
And I feel like she should just know all of them.  I’m tired of trying to keep part of myself in a box because I worry she’ll judge.  She may.  But we always manage to get past any of that.

9.) She’ll always play my favorite game of “what-if” or “let’s pretend”.
We started this early.  Hypothetical romantic relationships.  Houses.  Cities we’d live in.  Jobs we’ve have.  How we’d own a bakery/shop and I’d do the baking and she’d run the business side of it.  While she’s overseas, we constantly joke about me just dropping in for dinner or a shopping trip.  Little games to pretend our lives are where we want to be.  It helps more than it should.

10.) She’s just her.
She doesn’t bullshit with me.  She’ll split a cig or a drink with me.  She’ll go out dancing or to a dumb movie with me.  She knows how things were in high school.  She knows how I’m dumb when it comes to myself and partners I try to be with.  She knows why I have a fox and butterfly tattoo (and she was there when I squeezed the shit out of her hand in pain getting it) and why my nickname was “Kit” in high school.  She knows why I tremble whenever I see anyone dressed up in a full animal costume.  She knows that Wendy’s is my favorite fast food place.  She knows Dark Castle makes my favorite horror movies.

There is no one I would rather get lost with on a back country road for hours with.  No one I’d rather go to Starbucks with and sit outside for hours talking about nothing.

I absolutely cannot wait for us to be able to hang out in person again.  But despite my missing her, I’m so proud of who she’s become. 

At a quarter of a century in age, she has done so much.  I can’t wait to see what happens for her next.


This post is dedicated to Texas
(even though she doesn’t currently read my blog) 

Early this morning her grandmother passed away.  This is a woman who raised, sheltered, and loved Texas unconditionally while her mother and father struggled with a crippling drug habit that constantly threatened to destroy Texas’s childhood.
She has been battling cancer for months now- and this morning, she was finally called to rest and doesn’t have to be in pain anymore.

I wrote this for Texas; my best friend, the strongest woman I know- who is almost singlehandedly handling holding up her family and being supportive and helping with the necessary arrangements that need done, while also grieving for a woman who was essentially her mother.

I have been lucky enough to not have experienced the loss of a close family member (with the exception of my stepbrother, but he and I were not particularly close), so this poem is more of a empathetic supportive attempt at understanding loss.


A girl thrown into darkness
A world apart
Nothing but a vast emptiness
A broken heart

These scratched out feelings
Can’t even express
Unending talk of angels and wings
When just trying to suppress

The need to run, to hide
To dig and dig and dig
That hole could hold her

While that sensation
Reverse déjà vu
On the edge of the mind

Something that can’t be forgotten

Stop saying those words:
“Are you okay?”
Nothing is okay
But despite that hole calling
Singing it’s sweet refrain
She manages to stand tall
A woman
Shining with all the strength, courage, and love
Of loss