Slight trigger warning: brief mention of sex, but only in a vague sense
Army couldn’t perform the other night. You know, perform.
I don’t know why. He wouldn’t elaborate. We’ve only had this problem once before in our entire on and off again relationship and that time he explained in detail about his issues (which aren’t important at this time, so I won’t expand on that). He was also strangely distant.
I think it’s me.
I’m worried I’ve gained weight, though I’ve been trying so hard to be good and not. I guess I haven’t gone up any clothing sizes and my friends and family remind me think about that when I start thinking in a non-logical fashion. So if I’ve gained weight, it must be not enough to cause me to go up in any sizes.
But obviously something’s changed. I must be doing something wrong.
It’s sort of funny though because though on one level, I’m upset and confused and concerned, mainly I just don’t give a damn. I don’t think I’m all that attached this relationship, even though I sometimes try to convince myself otherwise.
I mean, Army is a good friend. But I just don’t feel any magical chemistry like I used to or like my friends talk about with their significant partners. I mean, I enjoy the sex, I enjoy spending time with him, sometimes I like how he makes me feel. However, there’s no craving anymore, there’s no dwelling on him when he’s not there.
Again, I think it’s me. I think it’s that depression catching up to me and trying to kill my romance. Not my libido, which is crazy healthy still. But it’s like if the possibility isn’t right in front of me, I only sort of “itch” in a general sense. Like “Hm. I could really go for sex right now”, not “Man I wish Army was here”. I don’t think that much at all anymore. Most of the time I can’t kick him out of my apartment fast enough after we’ve finished. He’s the one who’s wanted to stay and cuddle. I feel like such a boy.
But even the other night he wasn’t cuddly. I don’t even really know why he came over. I didn’t ask him, he asked me. Was it just to throw my own unattractiveness in my face?
Thank you, I’m well-aware of it already.
I’ve buried that desire for actual romance down so deep that I don’t fantasize about it anymore. Except when certain songs come on the radio or my iPod.
Then it’s hard not to cry.
I don’t understand why I can’t handle anything beyond a casual, secretive physical relationship. I want to. I want to so much. But I just wreck it every goddamn time.
I just want the punishment to end.