Letter to Germany

Dear Germany,

I remember when we went to see Captain America before you left (hah, was it really that long ago that the Avengers were a new thing?) and I cried when Bucky fell out of the train and Steve had to mourn losing him. You thought I was a dork. I totally was. But I think now, I may have been that sort of precognizant dork that recognized a loss of my own coming. There is no one I’ve encounter that I have the bond with that I had with you. I suppose part of that is age. Such is being an adult. The world is your own; wholely.

God know Rogers has been a good friend. I can’t really fault him in any way. I’ve been withdraw for years now. There’s no new friend who could get under my skin and into my soul like you did back in the day.

Obviously not anymore.

Honestly, I don’t know whether we truly ever had it like that. Did we? Or was it just the innocence of youth that sort of gave us those rose-tinted glasses and the idea of this other person that could be part of our soul (without the messy romantic bullshit).

It was a beautiful idea regardless. Whether a lie or not.

These days feel like shadows. I can’t recapture that ideal of before no matter how much I reach. It could be that I’m not trying hard enough, but my ability is such that I’m not able to try harder. I would that I could. Such is my mantra for the moment. For the year. For this lifetime.

I would that I could.

There was so much shit in high school. So much. And yet, I would pry out the bit of idealistic friendship I had there for a couple years if I could. Because god knows I’ve never found it since. There is nothing wrong with my current group of friends. I know they try. But I just don’t open my soul like I used to. I don’t let anyone, platonic or otherwise, pry their way into that dark dank recess of what used to be a giving and loving place.

Obviously no longer.

I don’t have any magic excuses or apologies really to give you. I’m a selfish person at this point I suppose. Or weak. Or tired. Whatever you want to brand me with is fine. You’ve had your own thing now an entire ocean away anyhow. I’m sure I’ve be relegated to a blip on your radar at this point. And it’s fine. Distance is a bitch.

So is life.

-K

Rotten week

This week is a bad one.

1.) The wake of Mother’s Day. A holiday I haven’t dealt with well for a couple years now. Add to that my stepfather being extra-dick to my mom while we tried to bond and it was an extra-rotten day.

2.) My best friend is finally visiting the U.S. from all Germany. But she’s on the other side of the country. To be fair, her mom bought the plane ticket (that’s where her mother’s family lives). But it’s rough having her closer and yet still so far. Almost a full five years since I was last able to hug her.

3.) My stepsister announced her pregnancy. Accidental. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But she’s flipping a bit on how to deal. And where to go. It’s shockingly familiar to me. And yet, my father is welcoming her with open arms. That’s a whole fucking different story than when it was me. I do wish her the best, but dealing with my family’s fluffy treatment of her compared to the brick walls I got is extremely difficult.

4.) Still haven’t found a job. Not handling that well.

5.) My brother, Grey’s, constant parties and having friends over while not actually helping me clean/maintain the household is starting to raise my anxiety to unmanageable levels. I’ve basically been holed in my room for 3 days now, slipping out briefly only to let the dog out.

6.) Food and I are not getting along. Grey keeps asking me about grocery shopping (because he doesn’t want to put forth his own money of course…) and I keep telling him later. It’s gotten to the point that he’s bringing himself home food from work since our kitchen is pretty much bare. But I like it bare. It makes the restricting easier. I wish he would recognize the signs and just go shopping himself. Gods know I’m not going to tell him.

7.) I’m supposed to drive across the state on Saturday to visit an old friend I haven’t seen in years (we’re both depressed about Germany not coming to Ohio). I’m both stressed and looking forward to it. Hoping I don’t make an idiot of myself. I also somehow need to get my ass in gear by Friday night because I promised to bring a baked dessert. Fuck.

8.) I would like to sleep until fall please. Thanks.

I’m not trying to list complaints in hopes for some pats on the back or anything. I just need to try and purge it, so to speak. Listing them sometimes helps. Perhaps I can focus on other things now.

I can hope, right?

For Germany

Today is my best friend Germany’s birthday.  She is such an amazing woman I had to write something up for her.

(Officially, I’m still on a blog-vacation, so pretend you didn’t see me 😉 )
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1.) I can tell this girl pretty much anything. 
Sometimes I get a firm kick in the ass about me being a dolt and/or idiot.  And by sometimes, I mean a lot of times.  And sometimes there is some disagreeing points of view.  But then time passes and we always realize that we’re better friends than any argument.

2.) She makes me want to be better/cooler/stronger.
This girl is AMAZING.  She’s traveled all over the place and is even LIVING overseas.  Sure it’s scary, sure it’s hard, but damn, she just pushes on through.  I want to be like that.   I pine for her ability to be blunt as hell all the time.

3.) She can wear any hat or pair of sunglasses and look fantastic.
It’s a weird effin’ super power.  But she has it.  We’ve searched the planet for a hat or pair of sunglasses that makes her look frumpy.  To no avail.

4.) She knows my moods better than I do.
I can’t lie to this girl (in person).  I can’t pretend to be fine when I’m not.  I can’t wear that mask I wear so effortlessly at times.  It pisses me off when people see through my mask usually.  She is one of the rare gems that I revel in not having to play pretend.  I can be fighting a migraine, bitchy as hell, and this woman will simply ask if I want to swing through somewhere and get a diet coke.  Or she’ll do me one better and bring me one!

5.) Distance means nothing.
Jack shit.  Absolutely nada.  I know there are days, weeks (hopefully not months… L) that we lapse in conversation due to our busy lives.  But it means nothing.  She’s still who I think of whenever I go to Starbucks.  She’s who I want to tell about some cute guy I saw.  I always wish she was around when I’m halfway through a cigarette so I can share the rest.

6.) She makes clothes shopping fun.
There’s ALWAYS time for a montage when shopping with her.  It’s 50% of why we go!  Doesn’t matter if I look awkward or frumpy- all the more laughter is had by all. 

7.) She will hate my enemies with (or for) me.
This seems juvenile, I’m sure, but it is immensely satisfying to have a friend who helps validate those people that are just toxic and awful and you shouldn’t be around.  If I waver on whether they’re truly bad for me, she knows and she rages on my behalf.  She isn’t try to dictate how I feel; she reminds me of why I decided to avoid that person in the first place.  After all, I am forgetful/indecisive in my opinions of people.

8.) She knows pretty much all my secrets.
And I feel like she should just know all of them.  I’m tired of trying to keep part of myself in a box because I worry she’ll judge.  She may.  But we always manage to get past any of that.

9.) She’ll always play my favorite game of “what-if” or “let’s pretend”.
We started this early.  Hypothetical romantic relationships.  Houses.  Cities we’d live in.  Jobs we’ve have.  How we’d own a bakery/shop and I’d do the baking and she’d run the business side of it.  While she’s overseas, we constantly joke about me just dropping in for dinner or a shopping trip.  Little games to pretend our lives are where we want to be.  It helps more than it should.

10.) She’s just her.
She doesn’t bullshit with me.  She’ll split a cig or a drink with me.  She’ll go out dancing or to a dumb movie with me.  She knows how things were in high school.  She knows how I’m dumb when it comes to myself and partners I try to be with.  She knows why I have a fox and butterfly tattoo (and she was there when I squeezed the shit out of her hand in pain getting it) and why my nickname was “Kit” in high school.  She knows why I tremble whenever I see anyone dressed up in a full animal costume.  She knows that Wendy’s is my favorite fast food place.  She knows Dark Castle makes my favorite horror movies.

There is no one I would rather get lost with on a back country road for hours with.  No one I’d rather go to Starbucks with and sit outside for hours talking about nothing.

I absolutely cannot wait for us to be able to hang out in person again.  But despite my missing her, I’m so proud of who she’s become. 

At a quarter of a century in age, she has done so much.  I can’t wait to see what happens for her next.

Who I Am

I think as a whole, my blog paints me as this little sagging girl who is constantly struggling and rarely is able to do anything in life.

This is absolutely not the fact.

I care about my identity as someone having DID, an eating disorder, depression, etc.  But this does not define me.  This past week has been a hard one and I’m worried I’m losing my true identity.

If this post bores you, feel free to move on.  This is more for me to remind myself Who I Am.

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If you knew me in real life, I would bet $100 that you would have no idea of my inner/deeper issues at all.  You would think I was absolutely a normal Midwesterner, post-college, just getting her toes wet in the corporate world.

I have a decent amount of friends.  Granted, most of them are just surface friends, but I can easily find someone to hang out with if I feel so inclined.

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I’m the woman who loves going out to dinner with friends and family.

I’m the woman who will plan an elaborate shopping trip with some girlfriends, complete with a montage of goofy outfits in the dressing room.

I’m the woman who will devour at least 3 books a week with gusto.

I’m the woman who will challenge anyone in the room to do a shot of gin without making a face.  I always win.  (I can’t manage with whiskey though- Army creams me on that challenge)

I’m the woman a friend will call at 2am because they’re in some sort of pickle and need a ride/a shoulder/help bailing.

I’m the woman who impresses her bosses with her ability to increase productivity and multitask without losing accuracy.

I am a daughter and a sister wholeheartedly devoted to my mother and brothers (my father not so much) at any moment.
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I love long car rides, especially by myself.  I will take the long way if possible for every destination.

The greatest compliment to me is on my baking.  I’ll take that over my looks, personality, or intellect any day (which is probably a bad thing…haha)

My favorite place to go on a date (or hangout with friends) is to a stand-up comedy show.  I cannot get enough of humor- as many brands as possible.

I love watching TV shows in long stretches, at least 5 episodes at a time.  This means I really only watch shows through Netflix or the actual DVD.  Not on standard television.

I am clumsy as hell.  Seriously.  I am even clumsier when tipsy or tired.

I love animals.  I adore cats.  But my heart belongs to dogs.

I can’t stand coffee, but I cannot get enough of hot apple cider.  I’ll settle for hot chocolate when I go to coffee shops with friends.

I hate the color yellow.

I’ve only recently discovered hot bubble baths and I’ve fallen in love with them.

I can drink hot sauce like a soda.

I research law and Revised Codes in my spare times.  For the hell of it.

I am not an affectionate person.  Unless I’m alone with my partner.  Then I’m pretty much glued to them.  I am not affectionate with friends or family at all.  I was raised not to be.

I make jewelry to calm myself.  I don’t usually wear much of it- I tend to give it away.

I have big celeb-crushes on Eliza Dushku, Charisma Carpenter, and Jennifer Lawrence.  Yes, there was a theme there before Jennifer Lawrence.  My crushes on male celebs aren’t as crazy, but I do adore Thomas Jane and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I tend to favor books that are sad and make me feel lost after completing.  I don’t know why.  I think it’s the masochistic side of me.  The most recent one I finished is “Looking For Alaska” (which I highly recommend).

My hands are always cold.  My feet are also always cold.  However, this does not mean I will wear a jacket.

I hate socks with the fiery passion of a thousand hells.

Though I fear heights, one of the best experiences that I’ve ever had is when Germany and I went on a hot air balloon ride (my dad used to do balloon chasing as a side gig).

A picture I took of another balloon that was below us.

I am more than the sum of my parts.

Baby Steps

I think I really am going to try being single.  For reals. 

it’s probably going to suck, but perhaps- just perhaps- it may be awesome and enlightening and I will get to know me better.  It’s been awhile since I’ve done the whole single thing for real.

And besides the whole Craig being weird thing, there are some other things that the Universe I think is using to try and tell me to stop doing the whole dating thing.

#1
I am super sick.  Out of nowhere yesterday, I just started feeling like I’d been beaten up and my head hurt.  Then all last night I had a high fever and this morning I had to take a pile of drugs in order to go to work.  In fact, such a pile that I had to be driven to work as I didn’t trust myself to drive.
(I think I’ve mentioned before that ephedrine is magic 😉 )
Sick on Vday??? How strange!  Also, I doubt I’ll be feeling better enough to go on a stupid date with Craig tomorrow night.

#2
Stupid Craig texted me this morning bitching about feeling “under the weather” and that he called off work.  I feel like a bitch, but I have little sympathy considering I was up all night with a fever of 102 and still dragged my butt to work today.  Granted, that’s mostly because I need the money and there are other people in my department that took today off, so I would get a mark on my record for not coming in (and possibly fired).  But I really don’t want to play the whole nursing/sympathy thing with Craig feeling ill.  I suck at it and I know it’s selfish, but I hate doing it.  I really have to care about someone before I’ll play nurses aid to their ailments.  It’s not that I’m actively trying to be a bitch, I just hate illness and I was never “taken care of” as a child when I was sick, so I have absolutely no clue how to go about doing that whole thing.  The most I’ve ever done is brought Texas and Germany meds or special food/drink.  I think I made soup for Army once.  But I don’t do much in that whole department.  Not my thing.  Sorry Craig- barking up the wrong tree.

#3
My coworker that I’m starting to become good friends with- ahem I should take a leaf out of Weegee’s book and actually give her a blog-name- let’s go with…Hannah.  Not sure why.  Not even close to her real name.  I just like that name.   Anyway, Hannah reminds me of Germany a lot.  She’s really smart, doesn’t take shit, hilarious, and has a healthy interest in men and booze.  However, she’s had the same sort of crummy luck that I have with men lately.  We’ve been comparing notes for weeks and laughing about our similar disappointments.  Today she asked if I would want to go get drinks tonight to celebrate being unattached, single, and fantabuloso.  I told her I most certainly would like to.  She said she’d text me when she gets off her evening job, which should be at about 8.  I’m sort of proud of myself for being excited about it.

#4
Zoe.  I don’t really need to go into this much, I’m sure.  Ya’ll know how much I adore my lil’ puppy kid.  She is my world and I love her.  It said a lot that she didn’t like Craig.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to pursue a relationship with a person my dog dislikes.  Simple as that.

So, baby steps.  I can do this.  I think as long as I remain semi-social, I can manage being single.

-crosses fingers-

Lost heart

I’m not sure where my heart is at the moment.  I feel hollow and empty and uncaring.  I know my last post made it seem like I was struggling with the whole “fuck Army” thing, but I’m not.  It makes me feel pretty bitchy and heartless to not even dwell on him once I’ve formally decided we’re through. 

I really haven’t been able to find it within myself to really care a lot about life on any sort of deeper level in a long time.

I think I may have left my heart somewhere.

My theory is either Chicago or Kentucky.

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Chicago is my home town, where the majority of my family is, where I spent all my summers and holidays up until two years ago. 

I love this place more than I think most of me realizes.

I miss the museums, I miss the stores, I miss the plays, I miss the food, I miss the people.  I even miss the train a little bit.

I lean my forehead against the cool window and watch the lights of buildings flash past in the night.  It’s late- one of the last trains back to my grandparents’ house.  The day was long but enjoyable.  Germany sits in the seat across from me.  The cramped nature of the train has our knees brushing, but we’ve been friends long enough that it doesn’t faze us.  She grins at me. She isn’t normally so into exploring a city at random, but we managed to find a bit of everything that we’d both enjoy.  Tomorrow we plan on going to Six Flags, where she will be the first person to get me to ride a roller coaster and enjoy it.  I know I am always safe with Germany.  And happy.  She makes my heart full.  We make a pact to be friends forever.

I never thought distance would feel so far.

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But Kentucky…
Kentucky is the complete opposite.  I have no family down their. 
Except Katherine’s.  Her whole family is from Kentucky.  They became my family for 5 years when we would drive down their at least once a month, if not every other weekend.

There’s no culture really, no shopping (Wal-mart doesn’t count), no trains (for people), no plays.

But the food is homemade, mostly from scratch, and amazing.  It’s where I had my first illicit taste of alcohol. 
It’s where I learned to just hear nature breath.

I got to wake up and walk outside to this every single day I was down there.

Everyone was so sweet to me, despite me being a “Yankee”.  It was supposed to become my second home.

She tried to get me to drive the four wheeler, but since I’d never even tried a car, I refused in terror.  I watched her zip across the backyard towards the rising hills that made up a good portion of her grandparents’ land.  Her grandpa laughed next to me.
“It’s not that dangerous.  Just looks that way.  She isn’t actually going that much faster than a car on a road.”
Katherine zips back around and pauses next to me.  She gives me an enticing smile.
“Come on. Get on. You can trust me.”  I hesitate a moment, but then my eyes meet her’s and she’s right.  I do trust her.  With anything.  With everything.
There is nothing like whipping up and down the hills of Kentucky, wind swirling, dodging branches, and arms wrapped around the person you love.

Loved.

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Maybe my heart is just dust.

Maybe it’s better that way.

A Lesson in Feelings

This whole past weekend has been a lesson in how I really feeling about various things.

Let’s go by topic to keep things simple and readable for your lovely persons.

Housing
Well, the rental app didn’t get approve.  The letter of explanation they supposedly wrote and attached to our email was corrupted when we got it and now we can’t get them to give us a straight answer.  But this makes Mom and I just think there’s something fishy going on.  Whatever.  There will be other opportunities.  I was surprised at how easily I shrugged this off, though I suppose it’s because of other things I’ve had to worry about this weekend.

The Past
After the last post where Daria got triggered by Mom writing our childhood address, things got worse before they got better.  I volunteered Friday at an event near that horrible old house, and afterwards while driving back home, someone hijacked the body to drive past that place.
We were all startled to discover that the house was not torn down by McD’s.  It was right behind their dumpsters.  The backyard.  The tiny garage/shed with the slate blue paint.
Stupid Memory Lane.  I lost almost 2 hours that night.  I’m not sure if it was all spent just parked by that house, rocking back and forth in misery or if we went somewhere else.  I only remember a glimpse of the house, then I was back home letting Zoe outside, 2 hours after I’d left the event (only a 20 minute drive away).
I hope the dark thoughts are behind us.

Army
We almost broke up Saturday night.  Technically we did break up for about 40 minutes.
He was supposed to do something with me Saturday, and I didn’t hear from him until 8 or 9pm.  When I asked for an explanation, it was that he was “sleeping”.  Then he asked “Are you mad?”.
Hell yes, I was mad.  I told him too.  And I explained that he needed to see it from my perspective.  This is the third time he’d flaked on me in two weeks.  I didn’t feel important at all.  Then he made some vague sort of promise to “make it up to me”.
I told him I wasn’t sure if I could do it anymore.  Be with him if he was just going to be all flakey and make vague promises.  To which he replied “I’ll just leave you alone then”.
I was floored.
And what surprised me more was my utter sadness over the whole thing.  I literally sobbed for a good half hour, trying to talk to Texas about the matter.
I didn’t realize that I was in that deep.  I’ve never cared before.  When we parted ways a couple months ago, I didn’t bat an eyelash.
What’s different now?
Anyway, he texted me back about 40 minutes later and asked that I explain further because he thought our relationship was too important to just forget about.  I poured my heart out- well, sort of.  I always hold back a bit. Especially lately.  He then said he really didn’t want to lose me and that he cared too much about me.  And then Sunday, he took me out for lunch, ice cream, on a walk, and to the dog park with Zoe.  It was great.  We talked and it was…amazing.  I’m terrified about this whole thing.  I’m not sure if I can put myself on the line like that again.  I haven’t even tried since Katherine.  I don’t know…

Germany
She emailed me again.  It was a hurtful email.  I can’t even get into here because I’ll just start crying again.  Basically, she doesn’t want to be friends if I can’t admit that I’m a “manipulative, compulsive liar” and seek therapy for it.  I was nothing but honest about the situation with Jeff.  I didn’t paint a pretty picture with me as some hurting damsel.  I stated plainly that he was the wronged party and I regretted it.  But she said because I spoke so “flat-toned and simply” that I must be looking for “validation” about being the wronged party.  I don’t understand.  My heart hurts over this whole matter.  This is my best friend for over a decade.  She’s always been there for me.  Always.
Why this?  Why does she have such blinders when it comes to Jeff?  I’m not asking for her to “take my side”.  I don’t want that at all.  I don’t want sides.  I’ve said that from the beginning.  I don’t even want to talk about the situation at all.
I just want to be able to talk to my friend.
I am heartbroken.

Good Ol’ Texas and Tattoos

I’m feeling much better.

Had a lovely evening with Texas where we got quotes on our tattoos we shall be getting (more on that later) and talked about the Germany email.  I’ve come to realize a couple things:
1. Germany is a whole continent away.  She isn’t in the situation like the rest of us.  Obviously she can’t completely understand
2. Though I didn’t make the stupid choices she implied I did, I have made stupid choices the past couple weeks.  I need to be responsible for that.
3. I decided days ago (with input from Texas and Shadow Dragon) to stop dwelling on this whole Jeff situation and what I could have done, how I could fix it,  how I could have changed it, etc., etc.- and move on with my life.  I shouldn’t let comments relating almost entirely to that bog my whole week down.
4. I have some fantastic friends right here in this zip code that are being perfectly supportive and I don’t need to be that doormat people-pleaser I desperately tried to be most of my life.

So I am just going to forget about it.
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Moving on- Texas and I are getting tattoos next week.  It will be merely the second one for me and the….I’ve lost count for Texas (they’re all beautiful and able to be tastefully covered though).  There are a couple various reasons as to why we’re getting them together, even though they aren’t technically “for” each other or anything like that.  I don’t like “memorial”-type tattoos.

(side note: Army actually has one written in Latin on his forearm that’s for his crazy cheating-abusive ex-wife.  Sometimes I tease him about it.  He takes it [always a good sport] because he’ll be the first to admit it was a dumb tattoo to get.)

Anyway, Texas’s idea is charming. I discovered a picture that is pretty much what she’s getting.

Couldn’t find a better version of this quote and illustration…

I don’t think it’s specifically for me- she’s a big fan of Winnie the Pooh and has many friends.

Mine’s smaller, but a bit more complicated.  I’ve always been a been “symbology” sort of person.  My fox and butterfly tattoo has multiple meanings (some only 2 or 3 people even know).

This is getting touched up too- the butterfly was *supposed* to be a “forest green”. Not yellow.

My second tattoo shall be no exception.  I do not have a mock-up of the actual design that will be going onto my body, as a lovely artistic friend of mine is still working on that, but it is going to incorporate the following symbols:

The rune Algiz (also known as Elhaz). Simple, obviously.

A treble clef- pretty self-explanatory. It’s a music symbol.

The idea is to sort of “entwine” this two symbols together in a very organic way (like a vine or tree).  It’s going on the inside of my right wrist.  To remind me of my support and strengths when my thoughts go to dark places.

I shall upload pictures of the actual tattoo once I get it done!

Apparently I’m trash (or The Email’s reply)

It took a couple days for me to get the courage up to write this post.

Germany technically replied to my email Saturday, but I’ve been dwelling and dodging and playing that ostrich-head-in-the-sand that I do so well.

She’s upset.

Yay, I’m clairvoyant.  Texas said she wouldn’t upset because we’re best friends and best friends are supportive.  But my tummy-guts-feeling wins again.  She’s pissed.

She said I’m trash.

I’ve never had anyone call me that.  Not even when Texas probably thought something close to that last year when she was angry we got pregnant.  But she never called us anything like that.

And to have Germany call me that….

I was a mess Saturday night.  And I was very ill most of Sunday- at least partially psychosomatic I’m sure.

It’s sort of surprising who first brought me out of a thought process that was going to turn self-damaging.  Army.  I know, right?  Mr. Emotionally Void and Unavailable.  It’s like he’s a different person since we stopped living together.
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This was our text exchange:
Me:  Well, Germany thinks I’m a she-devil that’s ruined Jeff.  it’s a surprisingly hard blow to have a best friend think you’re trash.
Him: What happened?
Me: I emailed her briefly, updating her on my life, like I normally do, and apparently now I’m horrible. I dunno.  You don’t think I’m garbage, do you? Is that why you didn’t ever really want more than FWB?
Him: I do not think you are garbage. And the FWB thing is because of me and what I’m capable of. Not you.
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Obviously not some amazingly romantic talk, but at least encouraging.  And then Shadow Dragon and Puppy were nice enough to watch a movie with me Saturday evening (“Identity”, appropiately, lol) and that helped a lot.

But still….a best friend calling you trash is hard to swallow.

Maybe I am trash and I should just accept it.

“The Return” (A Blogtoberfest review!)

Recently I’ve joined the many people who have become instantly addicted to Becca over at Lady or Not…Here I Come.  She gets such major kudos for always making me smile (especially her stuff about the Ugly Cry- I thought that was a closely guarded secret in my circle of girlfriends!).

It helps that she reminds me of my best friend, Germany, so so much (trivia alert– technically they share the same name…but shhhh, I don’t use real names on here).  They’re both such positive and snarky fabulous women.

But that’s getting off the subject at hand….

Check her out!
http://www.ladyornot.com

BLOGTOBERFEST!!!!

I decided to participate in her lovely Blogtoberfest event- a Halloween themed month, perfect for me.  Also perfect for me- a movie review!
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Last night I popped in “The Return” starring Sarah Michelle Gellar.

This is a newer movie than I normally watch for Halloween, but since it’s lesser known, I thought maybe it could be worth it.  Also, I read it has to do with some mental-health stuff, and I tend to like those.

It’s about a traveling saleswoman name Joanna who keeps having these weird violent dreams about something terrible happening in a small Texas town.  While in Texas for business, she decides to check out the small town of La Salle to see why the heck she keeps dreaming about it.

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Yeah- it’s pretty crap.  Not even much of a B-rated enjoyment.

This is mostly because it’s just downright confusing.  I couldn’t tell when things were actually happening or Sarah Michelle Gellar was simply having “just another psycho daydream” (that usually ended with her cutting- apparently this is the “mental-health stuff”).

The scene cuts were very disjointed and there weren’t good cues (music, ambiance, etc.) to let you know that what you were viewing wasn’t “really happening”.

It also really weirded me out to see Ben from the T.V. show, Parks & Rec (Adam Scott) play a skeevey assaulting a-hole.  He did it pretty well though, despite his part being brief.

I think the end was supposed to be a twist? Maybe? I more saw it as a “Oh thank god they’ve stopped having confusing scene cuts and just freakin’ SHOWED what the hell was going on”.

It was a good laugh though.  And I did really like the idea behind what was happening to Sarah Michelle Gellar.  I just wish they’d explained it better.

I won’t ruin “the twist” in case someone out there does want to check it out.  I would say it’s okay to watch with a couple friends for fun if you’ve acquired a copy cheaply.

Maybe do a shot every time the scene turns out to all be in Sarah Michelle Gellar’s head.

You will need a lot. Like a pyramid.