(This was password protected, though I decided to remove it, so obviously there’s some trigger warning- for talk of sex. Not graphic though.)
It was supposed to just be a casual hanging out, making-up (NOT like that) sort of night with Army.
He made a big deal about how he missed being close friends and that he had bought “Cabin in the Woods” just to watch with me.
And we have such a hard time cutting ties with people. Especially when they sweet-talk.
Army never ever sweet-talks around other people, or in any remotely public way. But when it’s just the two of us…
There’s a reason he charmed me into his bed the first time.
Basically, we ended up having sex. Multiple times. And it was amazing. I mean, there’s a reason I stayed with this man for a year, despite his social-emotional-inept-ness. He knows his way around a woman. And he was so sweet the whole time. I mean, I almost had a freakin’ crying-orgasm. Thank god I didn’t, as that doesn’t need to happen around Army, but it was very enjoyable.
He even pouted when I couldn’t stay past midnight, saying he missed “just cuddling all night” with me. Granted, that’s a bit strange, considering he and I haven’t cuddle since April, maybe even March, when things started going to shit.
I was reminded of all the good things about him Monday night.
I talked to him about my mistake with James and how stupid and terrified I was. And he actually didn’t get all lecturing and judging. He praised me for how I did handle it as best I could, and commended me on at least getting my car fixed for free. Of course, he also encouraged me to get a CCW and a handgun. But then it went back to him gently soothing me, verbally and physically.
I talked about Jeff and he listened and sympathized, completely unbiased. He wasn’t upset with me for what happened. He understood why I did what I did, and why I needed to step back, despite it breaking my heart. Well, not my heart but a lot of the others’. I don’t have a heart, obviously. Just a hole that needs to be filled (yes, pun intended).
I forgot that he and I were friends before we were lovers.
I forget that you can have both, even in a casual “friends with benefits” sort of relationship. Everything got so complicated when we got pregnant. And he didn’t know how to handle it, obviously. But he professed to missing his friend too. He didn’t even insist on the sex. He insisted on being friends more.
And that, more than the fantastic sex, is flattering and healing.
I didn’t think it would be so healing for me. I’m feeling greedy and dishonest, but I don’t care. This night was mine. Technically Army is mostly mine. I don’t want to share, even with the others in the system.
I password protected this entry for a reason. But not the reason you’d think. I don’t care about the others knowing that I hooked up with Army again.
I don’t like admitting that I enjoy his friendship more than the sex. I’m not supposed to be that kind of alter. I don’t think I’m fusing or co-conscious with anyone. I don’t understand. It’s frustrating to evolve, if that’s what this is.
I miss the old days sometimes.
But when he kisses me as a tender afterthought and gives me that smile, I forget.
What is wrong with me?