Lost her…

I just got told when I tried to make an appointment with my GP that she’s no longer practicing.

I can’t even speak.

I was so stricken that I stumbled over a vague excuse and hung up.

What do I do?  Where do I go?  I don’t even know what to do.  She was so young- she said she was looking forward to being my doctor for a long time.

5 years isn’t enough.

It took me 3 to find her.

The universe is giving me signs again.  I don’t deserve help.

I don’t wanna do it again.

I can’t do it again.

I hate doctors.  I hate medicine.  I hate all of this.

I just want it to be over.  I just want it to end.  I can’t handle this.  But there’s no one I can go to.  No one. 

Lost heart

I’m not sure where my heart is at the moment.  I feel hollow and empty and uncaring.  I know my last post made it seem like I was struggling with the whole “fuck Army” thing, but I’m not.  It makes me feel pretty bitchy and heartless to not even dwell on him once I’ve formally decided we’re through. 

I really haven’t been able to find it within myself to really care a lot about life on any sort of deeper level in a long time.

I think I may have left my heart somewhere.

My theory is either Chicago or Kentucky.

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Chicago is my home town, where the majority of my family is, where I spent all my summers and holidays up until two years ago. 

I love this place more than I think most of me realizes.

I miss the museums, I miss the stores, I miss the plays, I miss the food, I miss the people.  I even miss the train a little bit.

I lean my forehead against the cool window and watch the lights of buildings flash past in the night.  It’s late- one of the last trains back to my grandparents’ house.  The day was long but enjoyable.  Germany sits in the seat across from me.  The cramped nature of the train has our knees brushing, but we’ve been friends long enough that it doesn’t faze us.  She grins at me. She isn’t normally so into exploring a city at random, but we managed to find a bit of everything that we’d both enjoy.  Tomorrow we plan on going to Six Flags, where she will be the first person to get me to ride a roller coaster and enjoy it.  I know I am always safe with Germany.  And happy.  She makes my heart full.  We make a pact to be friends forever.

I never thought distance would feel so far.

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But Kentucky…
Kentucky is the complete opposite.  I have no family down their. 
Except Katherine’s.  Her whole family is from Kentucky.  They became my family for 5 years when we would drive down their at least once a month, if not every other weekend.

There’s no culture really, no shopping (Wal-mart doesn’t count), no trains (for people), no plays.

But the food is homemade, mostly from scratch, and amazing.  It’s where I had my first illicit taste of alcohol. 
It’s where I learned to just hear nature breath.

I got to wake up and walk outside to this every single day I was down there.

Everyone was so sweet to me, despite me being a “Yankee”.  It was supposed to become my second home.

She tried to get me to drive the four wheeler, but since I’d never even tried a car, I refused in terror.  I watched her zip across the backyard towards the rising hills that made up a good portion of her grandparents’ land.  Her grandpa laughed next to me.
“It’s not that dangerous.  Just looks that way.  She isn’t actually going that much faster than a car on a road.”
Katherine zips back around and pauses next to me.  She gives me an enticing smile.
“Come on. Get on. You can trust me.”  I hesitate a moment, but then my eyes meet her’s and she’s right.  I do trust her.  With anything.  With everything.
There is nothing like whipping up and down the hills of Kentucky, wind swirling, dodging branches, and arms wrapped around the person you love.

Loved.

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Maybe my heart is just dust.

Maybe it’s better that way.

Monday Night

(This was password protected, though I decided to remove it, so obviously there’s some trigger warning- for talk of sex. Not graphic though.)
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It was supposed to just be a casual hanging out, making-up (NOT like that) sort of night with Army.

He made a big deal about how he missed being close friends and that he had bought “Cabin in the Woods” just to watch with me.

And we have such a hard time cutting ties with people.  Especially when they sweet-talk.

Army never ever sweet-talks around other people, or in any remotely public way.  But when it’s just the two of us…
There’s a reason he charmed me into his bed the first time.

Basically, we ended up having sex.  Multiple times.  And it was amazing.  I mean, there’s a reason I stayed with this man for a year, despite his social-emotional-inept-ness.   He knows his way around a woman.  And he was so sweet the whole time.  I mean, I almost had a freakin’ crying-orgasm.  Thank god I didn’t, as that doesn’t need to happen around Army, but it was very enjoyable.

He even pouted when I couldn’t stay past midnight, saying he missed “just cuddling all night” with me.  Granted, that’s a bit strange, considering he and I haven’t cuddle since April, maybe even March, when things started going to shit.

I was reminded of all the good things about him Monday night.

I talked to him about my mistake with James and how stupid and terrified I was.  And he actually didn’t get all lecturing and judging.  He praised me for how I did handle it as best I could, and commended me on at least getting my car fixed for free.  Of course, he also encouraged me to get a CCW and a handgun.  But then it went back to him gently soothing me, verbally and physically.

I talked about Jeff and he listened and sympathized, completely unbiased.  He wasn’t upset with me for what happened.  He understood why I did what I did, and why I needed to step back, despite it breaking my heart. Well, not my heart but a lot of the others’. I don’t have a heart, obviously.  Just a hole that needs to be filled (yes, pun intended).

I forgot that he and I were friends before we were lovers.

I forget that you can have both, even in a casual “friends with benefits” sort of relationship.  Everything got so complicated when we got pregnant.  And he didn’t know how to handle it, obviously.  But he professed to missing his friend too.  He didn’t even insist on the sex.  He insisted on being friends more.

And that, more than the fantastic sex, is flattering and healing.

I didn’t think it would be so healing for me.  I’m feeling greedy and dishonest, but I don’t care.  This night was mine.  Technically Army is mostly mine.  I don’t want to share, even with the others in the system.

I password protected this entry for a reason.  But not the reason you’d think.  I don’t care about the others knowing that I hooked up with Army again.

I don’t like admitting that I enjoy his friendship more than the sex.  I’m not supposed to be that kind of alter.  I don’t think I’m fusing or co-conscious with anyone.  I don’t understand.  It’s frustrating to evolve, if that’s what this is.

I miss the old days sometimes.

But when he kisses me as a tender afterthought and gives me that smile, I forget.

What is wrong with me?