Tag Archives: high blood pressure

Attempting Focus

I am scared to leave the bedroom.

I have hidden the car keys.

Slipping back into the compulsive habits of checking my hair and skin every time it feels like more than a minute has passed. (has it?)
Checking all online media and the cell phone for unknown communications. Checking the usual hiding places for blades or pills.

Habits left over from a girl who learned to survive. The others I’m sure wouldn’t call me that. I’m the part usually overlooked. Much dismissed.

I bring the clocks out and set them around the bedroom. Make sure the batteries are fresh. I can accept the lost time, but I at least want to account for it.

A good six hours gone today. Sucked into the curling smoke of nothing. In fractions and fragments. Nothing seems to be more than 30 minutes. Here and there.

I keep checking to make sure items stay in their hiding places. I keep checking the skin and taking blood pressure. So far no more than bruises and scratches. That I can handle. And the blood pressure is not ideal, but it is not hospital-level. I am determined.

Though I have just as much of a desire to stay far away from doctors while we are like this, I have no desire to put us in direct harm. I am not a suicidal part.

I remain as vigilant as I can for those that are.



Having blackouts again.

Things are also quite fractured. No sense of teamwork. I’m just trying to keep somewhat focused so regular medication and hydration can happen at least.

Army visited this weekend and it’s almost entirely a blur or blank. I don’t think he’s the stress causing the blackouts and switching, but it seems to be worse around him.

At a loss for what to do. Communication is also extremely difficult. Haven’t been able to easily discuss what’s going on with any other parts.

I don’t want to talk to a professional about this. Last time the blackouts were this bad, anti-psychotic medication was prescribed (not always taken) and the possibility of hospitalization was urged. We don’t want those at all. Even though the ED becomes very bad and our blood pressure is shooting through the roof.

I’m worried it’s the nitro pills we have to take for the high BP. They’re new. Combined with the stress of this past week.

I don’t know.

I just want to try and keep things semi-coherent. But it’s hard.

I really hate losing time and being so split. It’s drastically better when we work as a team.

I’m at a loss right now. Trying not to get scared. Then I blackout even more.


Hypertension Blues

Blood pressure is up again.  


Thrown up a couple times.  Then once it settled a bit, tried all the emergency/extra meds the doctor gave me that I’m supposed to take when it goes above the danger zone.  Not helping.

I’m just really getting so very done with this whole thing.  I just want to be a normal person without these issues.  

I want to be able to make plans and hangout with people and not worry about a BP spike that causes me to be curled up in pain (or throwing up) for hours.  

I want to be able to go to work and not go to the bathroom to cry or throw up, then go back to my desk to force myself through files because I’m out of leave time.

I just want to be healthy.

I feel like I’m being punished.  Everything I try to do or change to help makes no difference.  I don’t even know what to think anymore.  I really don’t.

I’m just going to go home after work and take some sleeping pills.  I just can’t deal with this.

Beyond Frustration

After my last two weird posts, I did end up going to the doctor.  He got me in quickly because he wanted to check if I had other signs of a stroke or seizure.   Apparently I did not.

After that was ruled out, he became rather apathetic about my strange symptoms.  He did some more history stuff (we talked about my psych-ward stay) and he rearranged my meds slightly again.

And then yesterday I got hit with a baaaaad migraine.  Vomiting for hours, BP of 187/125 or higher.  Finally it started coming down in the afternoon enough that I could get an anti-nausea to stay down.  Called the doctor.  He did some more med rearranging and said to call if it got dramatically worse, otherwise he’d see me Saturday.

I just feel like I’m falling into this hole again.  Unsolveable, doesn’t respond to treatment.  I know the doctor is trying but I’m just starting to feel entirely frustrated and hopeless again.  My body seems to really be sure it should have this high pressure no matter what.  I don’t understand it.  I’ve been so good now for over a month on EVERYTHING, even food.

But now I’m feeling that ED nipping at my heels and curling around my head.  Stating that I’m too fat/ugly/disgusting and that’s why I have high blood pressure.  Of course the pills aren’t working.  I just need to lose this fat.  Just stop eating and the blood pressure will drop.  It’s not hard.

My mind is messing with me a lot.  I’m aware this is damaging thinking.  Not healthy.  Not normal.  But I can’t stop.

Nothing seems to be working and I don’t know where to turn to.

Doctor Update

The link for this post informs me this is the second time I’ve updated ya’ll on my doctor experiences.

I believe the last one was the disastrous nephrologist.  This time is much better.

I really like this doctor.  According to the records he flipped through (which I was impressed by his meticulousness) I saw him at the end of high school as well.  Looks like from about age 16-20.


The short of it is he’s wonderful.

1.) He thoroughly went through all my history, family, personal, hospital, tests, the WHOLE nine yards.

2.) Though he prescribed additional meds for me to try, it was only two and one was only a water pill to help my current ones and the one new one work better.  I appreciate not being littered in meds.

3.) The gentleman calls me AT HOME at 9:00pm to check on me! I’ve never had a doctor do that! Even though my former favorite GP would call to check on me, it was always during business hours and really only when I seemed uneasy and requested a double-check.  He was concerned about my BP reading at his office (210/160) and throwing the new meds at me.  He became further concerned because…

4.) My BP started dropping rapidly.  It went to 131/92 at 7 or 8pm, then by 10pm it was at 114/68.  He stated it is not normal for BP meds to drop it like a stone like that.  I also have been feeling like I have the beginnings of the flu (clammy, lightheaded, queasy, etc.).  He stated that makes sense with such a dramatic drop.

5.) So he reduced and adjusted the plan for meds today and pulled back some of them.

6.) And I have a follow-up appointment tomorrow morning.

He also touched a bit on mental-health (I tried to be honest in the paper evaluation that touched on it) but was kind about coming back to it, since the hypertension is more pressing at the moment.  But I feel like he isn’t going to leap at me.  He was so very very sweet about my memory problems (he wanted to know a lot of details but I couldn’t recall them; especially hospital details, where I tend to disassociate the most).

So besides the feeling crummy from the dramatic BP drop, I am happy and content with this set of events.

Hoping to start feeling more like myself here soon!

Finally a doctor

As I’ve mentioned in passing, I officially have a doctor’s appointment today.  With a doctor!

It’s taken about…6 months of being given various ridiculous roundabouts and bullshit and lies and insurance trouble, etc. etc. 

The one I’m seeing is actually one I saw when I was first an official adult and had to stop seeing my pediatrician.  He (yes, he) is my mother’s doctor.  I honestly can’t remember why I stopped seeing him.  But I don’t get a negative sort of feeling when I think about it.  I get sort of a “shrug” feeling.

I’m hoping he isn’t bad.  We mostly don’t like males for a GP, but my mother really likes him and at this point, we can’t afford to be too picky.  He just won’t be doing any of the girly exam type things.

Anyway, the appointment is this afternoon.  I’ve been feeling horrendous and my BP readings have all been above 180/130.

I dreamed last night he called a local hospital to get me admitted and run a bunch of special tests.  My mother wanted to take me back to the hospital last night when I had my worse reading of the day.  But I just want to get to this doctor first.  The ER/hospitals say they won’t do much more for me until I have a reliable general practitioner anyway.

So here’s hoping for the beginning of actually finding what it wrong with me.  The forefront theory is still some sort of autoimmune disease.

I’ll keep ya’ll posted if I can.


I already suck

Well. This is supposed to be a post about the Renaissance Festival, since I did go today.  But I’m not going to do it.

First of all, the visit was rather crummy.  The weather was crummy and the company wasn’t who I’d hoped for (with the exception of Texas, I did want her there),

And I feel awful today.  I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong.  It feels like I’ve been beaten up both on the outside and on the inside, especially my stomach and chest area.  I just took my blood pressure and it’s sky high, of course.

If this tells you anything- I managed a single pickle at the Ren Fest. That’s how sick I feel. I love pickles.  I am known in my family and circle of friends for finishing a huge wholesale sized jar in a single day.
Every time I go to Ren Fest I eat a minimum of three pickles.

I hate that I could only handle one.  And my stomach is pretty angry for that one too.  I wanted to get an apple dumpling, but definitely couldn’t manage that.  I spent most of my money on soft drinks to try and settle my tummy (Coke helps my nausea).

Then Texas made dinner for a group of us this evening and it tasted weird.  I would say it was the lack of mustard (my favorite condiment), but I had a glass of water here at home to take some pills and it tasted weird.  And then the cigarette I had tasted weird (please don’t lecture me on the whole smoking and high BP thing.  My BP is high even when I don’t smoke).
I think it’s me.

And I ended up throwing up the dinner right before I went home anyway.  My stomach is very upset. I hate it.

So I suppose this is me saying I have to take a hiatus.  Hopefully.  Maybe this 30 Day Challenge was a terrible idea.  I should just quit.

I really don’t want to go back to the hospital…


(I’ve having a couple seemingly non-connected thoughts, but they will make sense at the end.  I hope Bourbon doesn’t mind if I snag her wonderfully understandable “heading” type flow.  We give credit where it’s due!)

Normally we don’t like being touched.

We have intimacy issues (big surprise there). Yes, Charlotte manages to have “relations”, but I can’t even describe the sort of things she requires of her partner in order to turn her fully on. It’s disgusting.  I’m flat-out disturbed the body requires such things in order to react to another partner.  She’s handled 90% of every sexual encounter of the body’s life (post abuse, that is).  The rest of us just…don’t like being touched.

It’s why, despite Claire’s attraction to Jeff, we’re all getting edgy with his advances.  I’m sure it’s the sort of physical things that are the norm for normal people.  Cuddling, kissing, head/hair stroking.  It just eeks us all.  Even Claire, though she tries hard not to get triggered.  It happens regardless a lot of the time.

We get crippling migraines

We’ve gotten them since we became more aware of being multiple and started the whole “switching frenzy” thing that led to a lot more blackouts and a period of just being complete dumbasses.  They’re bad- they involve crippling head, neck, and back pain, uncontrollable (and constant) vomiting (sorry Bourbon…), and swelling of our face (mostly around the eye area).

We were at a loss for treatment for a long time.  Most pills don’t work. The ones that do are hardcore narcotics and not something we can take and still function throughout the day.

Then Daddy insisted we try his massage therapist.  He got us a gift treatment. We balked.  We hate being touched, especially by strangers.  And this was a gift from Daddy.

But we were also told by our GP (an angel) that it would be an excellent idea, as she’d noticed that our migraines seem to have a lot tied to stress (HA!) and when we’d seen her during an actual migraine, our whole neck and back were wound tighter than a top.  She thought regular massage would be a perfect solution.  And it didn’t involve medications with terrible side effects.

However…it did involve touching.  Our GP is aware of that phobia.  She’s our Gyno too- we’d never had that kind of exam before and at the first (and last) one, the rest of the doctor’s office was aware they had someone with mental issues.  They’d never had a patient start screaming, crying, then black out when given that kind of exam.

She insisted we go.

Kit, Charlotte, Rika, and myself all love horror movies

The rest don’t, but since it’s a genre that has the most “supporters” in our system (and the host being one of them has a lot of pull), we watch a lot of horror movies.

We go to horror related events.  We used to assist a local Horror Host, Dr. Creep, with a charity Halloween Horror-moviethon every year.  And one year we were asked to help run a booth for Dr. Creep at nearby convention called Horror Hound.

We fell in love.

We go every year now.  This past year, it was in March.  We mentioned it to everyone we knew.

Including our new massage therapist.  Flippantly, of course.  Some of that nervous talking in the waiting area before she politely asks us to remove all our clothing except panties.  She suddenly grins and Roms detects sincere interest with her “reading ability”.

“I love all things horror!” She says.  Kit grins.  “I’m planning on going to Horror Hound myself! Did you hear Norman Reedus from “Walking Dead” is supposed to be there???”

Suddenly, she isn’t a stranger.
She’s married and has a daughter.  She talks about her daughter’s addiction to pickles with a grin. Anyone who is a sincere mother makes our system melt.

Sincere mothers are our weakness. We love our mother so very much.  It broke her heart to find out what happened back in that dirty alley behind our tiny two bedroom house.  She beat herself up for refusing Daddy’s handouts after divorcing him and trying to be a “strong independent woman”.  She tried to save us from one kind of abuse only to deliver us into the hands of a more insidious kind.

Ack. Tangent. Back to the massage therapist (MT).

The First Massage

We like her. But that doesn’t mean she can touch us.

She politely leads us to the private room, shows us the table and the function of every single thing in the room (the oil bottles, the heater, the stereo playing soft music).  She then calmly explains about removing everything except our panties. Shows us the thick blanket that will cover us the whole time.  She promises to only start out touching our head, neck, and upper back.  That is it. Unless we’re comfortable to allow lower back and legs.

We take a leap of faith that we haven’t done in a long time.

We crawl under the thick blanket in our panties, our chest down and back up, firmly cocooned in the blanket.  MT knocks on the door and does not open it, even a crack, until she gets verbal permission from us.

She is made for people like us.

She explains and asks before she does anything.  She starts by softly working on our scalp and hair.  We are floored by a momentary appearance of Armes, who loves her hair being played with but is terrified of people.  Except she loves Mommy-types.  She croons happily and MT remains quiet, doesn’t comment.

MT is smart.

The first massage passes with a bit of switching, but not in the scared/upset disassociating way.  It is the first time that has happened in a very long time.  We all get to share in her gentle, soothing touch.

It is healing.

For the first time since high school, we go a week without any migraines.

Financial and Medical Problems

We start trying to make regular appointments.  She gives us a discount when we’re able to produce a prescription from our understanding GP saying the massages are beneficial for a medical condition.

Then the bottom falls out.

We are hospitalized for hypertension crisis twice within a single month.  Our finances disappear as doctors struggle to find a cause.
We are no where near obese.  High blood pressure does not run in either side of our family.  We tend to eat rather healthy-ish (when we do eat).
Must be stress.

They throw pills at us.  The pills are insanely expensive. None seem to work, except to give us awful side effects.  But the specialists will not let us stop taking them, saying the pills “need time”.
The blackouts start, the depression, the self-harm.  It’s a string of events we’re familiar with.

We can’t see our MT.  We don’t have the money and we don’t even have the energy or drive to get ourselves there.  MT expresses concern.

Then Daddy does a surprising thing.  He is being surprising in general, having actually visited us the hospital (without criticism).  Daddy doesn’t believe in “psychology bullshit” but he does believe in our migraines and high blood pressure.  And he reads articles about massage helping those things.  He knows we spend all our money on medical bills and prescriptions to try and keep us from being hospitalized again.

He gifts us a string of treatments.

We know they are gifts of apologies that he doesn’t have the vocabulary to say.  After he does anything a parent shouldn’t do and he realizes it, he showers us with gifts.  We’ve gotten laptops, a car, cash, vacations, etc…

In this case, we suspect his gift has to do with his suspicion the sudden inexplicable high blood pressure is caused by the stress of our recent miscarriage.  And the bastard was relieved that the miscarriage happened.


We have a massage tomorrow afternoon.  It is much needed after this crazy week.

Though we do not have an actual therapist, or any sort of mental treatment, we are always grateful for people like our GP and MT for keeping us from that suicidal edge.