Tag Archives: humor

Spot On

Allie is amazing.  I’m sure most of you know Hyperbole and a Half.  She has a new post today for the first time in awhile.

She was on a long sabbatical due to depression and her entry today is just….glorious.  I know she normally is a part of the comics/humor circle in the blogsphere (and is technically not WP, but I don’t much care about that).

But today I welcome her to the mental-health circle.  With great pleasure.

Thank you Allie, for having the courage to write so honestly and unabashedly about long-term/clinical depression.  I know the subject has been touched on before, but today’s entry was the naked look at something that is normally a stigma, especially from a humor standpoint.

Hopefully some people will learn to stop asking the wrong questions about the dead fish.

A Message For those random search terms

Good afternoon to you, Random Searcher of blog terms.

Yes.  Landlords do suck. 

I’m not sure when I ever addressed that though, so I apologize that you stumbled across my blog.  It is most obviously not a main subject of discussion in this space of the internet. 

I do acknowledge your pain though.  Having lived as a renter since I was kicked out of my father’s house on my high graduation day, I certainly do understand.

Most recently, at my new apartment, my landlord does not even return my phone calls and has yet to give me a copy of my signed lease.  I would be more annoyed, but I guess I don’t really have that much going wrong that I need to speak to her about and later I can use it as blackmail when she claims I’m doing something that pisses her off. 
Being a paralegal, I can talk legal circles around many subjects, but especially property management (as that is my area of expertise after criminal law).

I do wish you luck on finding a landlord that does not suck, but so far the only time that happened for me was when I briefly rented my mother’s second property. 
But that may have been because she birthed me from her loins and that gave her just a twinge of sympathy.  However, I will admit that our relationship improved drastically when she was no longer my landlord.

So apparently all landlords suck.

Would you like a cookie instead?

P.S.  In filling in the tags of this post, I noticed that “landlords suck” did actually already exist.  I seem to have forgotten I wrote something regarding that before.  Good on you, Random Searcher for finding something that was actually semi-relevant.  As opposed to my many many many many many other unrelated and mostly extremely gross and creepy search terms.

A well-deserved break for YOU

I think all of us (yes, you included) need a well-deserved break from dwelling on our lives.  I’ve noticed that the whole mental-health community seems to be dipping lately.

So here I am, happy to provide!

I don’t know if you have heard of Jack Handey- but he is hilarious!  He wrote for SNL and had this segment called “Deep Thoughts”, which blossomed into its own thing on the internet and in many published books.

Below are some of my favorites.  Please enjoy!

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“If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet that’s what really throws you into a panic.”

“If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out of your nose.”

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it.”

“If you’re being chased by an angry bull and then you notice you’re also being chased by a swarm of angry bees, it doesn’t really change anything.  Just keep running.”

“Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demands your rights, even if you don’t know what they are, or who you’re talking to.  Then on the way out, slam the door.”

“If you’re ever on an airplane that’s crashing, see if you can’t organize a quick thing of group sex because, come on, you squares.”

deep-thoughts-jack-handy-7

“To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.  That way, if anybody asks “Hey, can you give me a hand?”  You can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

“Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.”

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.”

“Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.”

“I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.”

“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.”

“Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.”

“I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat.” It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.”

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Hope you had at least a bit of a smile!  Feel free to leave your favorite funny quote in the comments!  I love collecting them- no matter who said them!

Halloween Trivia!!

Edit: The answer key is now available at the bottom!

(a regular post will come eventually- I promise. Just been so so busy!)

This is the trivia sheet I compiled for the office- thought it might be enjoyable for you guys.  I know you have the gift of Google to easily find these answer but…it could be fun to try without 😛

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Halloween Trivia – 2012!

1. The Jack o’ Lantern originates from what country?
a.) South America
b.) Ireland
c.) Germany
d.) Russia

2. What was the first wrapped candy?
a.) Tootsie roll
b.) Hershey bar
c.) Reese’s
d.) Starburst

3. Who was the Peanut’s character who waited for the Great Pumpkin?
a.) Lucy
b.) Charlie Brown
c.) Snoopy
d.) Linus

4. Where does the idea of Halloween originate from?
a.) Celtic New Year
b.) South American Day of the Dead
c.) Catholic All Saints Day
d.) The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

5. What phobia do you suffer from is you have an intense fear of Halloween
a.) Wiccaphobia
b.) Halloweenphobia
c.) Phasmophobia
d.) Samhainophobia

6. What year was the first citywide Halloween celebration?
a.) 1881
b.) 1921
c.) 1950
d.) 1901

7. What percentage of pet owners dress up their pets?
a.) 10%
b.) 80%
c.) 50%
d.) .01%

8. Halloween candy averages how much annually?
a.) 1 million
b.) 2 billion
c.) 100 thousand
d.) 8 billion

9. How many different colored M&Ms exist?
a.) 10
b.) 8
c.) 25
d.) 16

10. If you see a spider on Halloween, what does this signify?
a.) a demon in disguise
b.) a loved one watching over you
c.) a witch trying to curse you
d.) an omen that you’ll die soon

11. How many licks (on average) does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
a.) 2
b.) 252
c.) 876
d.) 75

12. What percentage of parents sneak candy from their kids haul?
a.) 10%
b.) 30%
c.) 50%
d.) 90%

13. The act of trick-or-treating originates from what holiday?
a.) All Souls’ Day- a Catholic holiday
b.) Samhain- a Celtic holiday
c.) Day of the Dead-a Mexican holiday
d.) Saternalia- a Roman holiday

14. What national crisis officially halted trick-or-treating for almost a decade?
a.) the Cold War
b.) World War II
c.) The Great Depression
d.) World War I

15. Why do black cats have such a bad rep on Halloween?
a.) they were thought to be witch’s helpers in disguise
b.) they predicted your death
c.) they would lead ghosts and ghouls around town
d.) they would steal the souls of children

16. What movie got an Oscar for best actor, despite him only being on screen for a mere 16 minutes altogether?
a.) Fredric March in “Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”
b.) William Hurt in “Kiss of the Spider Woman”
c.) Anthony Hopkins in “The Silence of the Lambs”
d.)  Kevin Spacey in “American Beauty”

17. What substance was used for blood in the original 1960 “Psycho”?
a.) chocolate syrup
b.) corn syrup with red dye
c.) store-bought fake blood
d.) pig’s blood

18. By what name was the famous sci-fi horror movie “Alien” almost called?
a.) It Bursts From Your Stomach
b.) Star Beast
c.) Terror in Space
d.) Frightening Foe

19. Who is the scary movie character who kills people in their dreams?
a.) Michael Myers
b.) Jason Voorhees
c.) Freddy Krueger
d.) Hannibal Lecter

20. What is the name of the killer clown in the movie “It”?
a.) Pennywise
b.) Crazyclown
c.) Pumpernickel
d.) Squeakers

Answer Key:
1.) b, 2.) a, 3.) d, 4.) a, 5.) d, 6.) b, 7.) a, 8.) b, 9.) c, 10.) b, 11.) b, 12.) d, 13.) a, 14.) b, 15.) a, 16.) c, 17.) a, 18.) b, 19.) c, 20.) a

How’d you do?

Adventures in Insomnia

(I am going to attempt some humor now.  I know I am not usually of that persuasion.  I’m trying to be more positive lately.)

I am struck by the hell-beast known as insomnia about 3-4 times a week on average- which I think is rather normal (or even low) for someone dealing with mental-health and depression issues.

However, normally this hell-beast simply takes a nibble from me and then departs to the greener pastures of musicians, emo-poets, addicted gamers, and computer programmers.

Tonight, however, the hell-beast has decided I shall provide a full 8, 9, perhaps even 10 course meal.
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10:03pm: I arrive home from my lovely night with Texas and chat briefly with Shadow Dragon about our days.  Let Zoe out so she can sniff a lot of things, run around, stand around, and then finally decided “Oh yeah! I have to pee!”.  She then proceeds to drink a gallon of water.

10:50pm: Settle down in my bedroom, write a post about my night because, gosh darn it, I am turning over a new leaf and will not have a negative post at the top of my homepage any longer.  Starting texting with Army about our crazy days.
Check Facebook.
Zoe starts being slightly bothersome, then obnoxious, slowly escalating into full blown bugging-the-shit-outta-me.  I realize she has to pee that gallon she drank.

11:00pm: Go outside with Zoe to make sure she won’t bark and piss off the neighbors.  Bring phone with me, continuing my banter-fest with Army.  We are joking about me getting a tattoo that’s insulting to Obama (he’s conservative- but my opinion isn’t necessary the same) on my butt so he can have obscenely hilarious sexual antics.
I watch Zoe walk around the yard, bring me her stuffed hedgehog, then run in circles for a bit before deciding to pee.  We go back inside and I firmly tell she isn’t going out again because “Mommy has to sleep, dangit.”
Ha.

11:30pm: Technically I haven’t turned off the netbook and attempted to lay down, but I don’t feel my normal drowsy.  Check Facebook.  Check a couple blogs I follow.  Comment here and there.  Continue snark-fest with Army via text.  Our conversation is occasionally stalled by him completing a run (he’s on shift with the ambulance company he works for).  He is complimenting me on my ability to actually get him to laugh verbally.  Apparently insomnia makes me semi-funny.

12:15pm: Check Facebook. Not as many insomniac friends on as I’d hoped. Start a game of crossword puzzle on my phone.  Find a couple obvious ones before determining that words are stupid. Start looking at trashy websites such as TextsFromLastNight.  Check Facebook.
Meanwhile, since my light is still on, Zoe is attempting to be cute by rolling on my netbook’s keyboard and gnawing on my toes. After the fourth or fifth gnawing, I push her off the bed (lovingly, of course).

1:00pm: By this time I am truly frustrated.  It occurs to me however, that I have not turned anything off.  Of course! That is the problem. I check Facebook before I turn off my light and shut down my netbook.
I lay on my pillow.
I can hear my hair scratching as I breath in and out.  I adjust to a different pillow.  Nope…still scratching.  Very loudly.
I contemplate hunting down the creators of my pillowcase, which is supposed to be soft and silky, and ask them why the heck is my hair scratching SO FREAKIN’ LOUDLY ON IT??
Realize I have a dog.
Call Zoe up on the bed.  She dutifully responds, but doesn’t want to be interesting.  Instead she curls up against my side adorably and grunts grumpily when I try to pet or reach her belly for a rub.  I give up.
I grab my phone and check Facebook before opening up the crossword puzzle again.  I solve it and it informs me that it only took me 2139 seconds (my best time being 232).  I do not click “New Game”.
Roll around a bit. Zoe decides to hop back down on the floor.
Check my phone to see if Army has texted back. Nope. Must be a long run this time.

1:45pm: Decide that maybe I have to pee.  Get up and use bathroom.  Return to bedroom and sit dejectedly before deciding “To hell with it” and turning the netbook back on.
Check Facebook. Check WordPress.
Notice there’s an update from Becca over and LadyorNot! Yay! Read it.

1:55pm: Well. That didn’t take long. It did make me laugh though, which is good.  Decide to comment when less insomnia-inebriated.  Although…Army did comment that I seem to be amusing so sleep deprived.

1:57pm: Decide to write a post about my insomnia issues. Hope it will be semi-amusing. Check Facebook.

2:00pm: Write post in between texting Army.  And checking Facebook.  Wonder briefly if I have a problem. Decide I just really care about my friends and family.  And it’s not like I’m doing anything besides skimming the main news feed.  I mean, if I were truly addicted I would be looking up specific people’s profiles, wouldn’t I? Wouldn’t I??
…check Grey’s page specifically to see how he’s been doing since we haven’t gotten a text in a couple days.
He seems fine- innocuous update about his laptop finally getting fixed from earlier this evening.  When normal people are awake.
Wonder if there’s anyone else we could text at this hour.  Nope.  Army is pretty much the only other nightowl who will accept non-emergency middle-of-the-night texts without being mad about being “woken up” or something.

2:20pm: Oh yeah, I was writing a post.

2:36pm: Finish up post.  Check Facebook one more time.

2:40pm: Hope doing this will somehow get rid of the insomnia hell-beast….

2:45pm: Laugh waaaaay to hard at this picture:

Laughing for like, 4 whole minutes. That tired.

Decided to add to post and share the funny.

The end.

Hopefully.

God I just want to sleep.

“The Return” (A Blogtoberfest review!)

Recently I’ve joined the many people who have become instantly addicted to Becca over at Lady or Not…Here I Come.  She gets such major kudos for always making me smile (especially her stuff about the Ugly Cry- I thought that was a closely guarded secret in my circle of girlfriends!).

It helps that she reminds me of my best friend, Germany, so so much (trivia alert– technically they share the same name…but shhhh, I don’t use real names on here).  They’re both such positive and snarky fabulous women.

But that’s getting off the subject at hand….

BLOGTOBERFEST!!!!

I decided to participate in her lovely Blogtoberfest event- a Halloween themed month, perfect for me.  Also perfect for me- a movie review!
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Last night I popped in “The Return” starring Sarah Michelle Gellar.

This is a newer movie than I normally watch for Halloween, but since it’s lesser known, I thought maybe it could be worth it.  Also, I read it has to do with some mental-health stuff, and I tend to like those.

It’s about a traveling saleswoman name Joanna who keeps having these weird violent dreams about something terrible happening in a small Texas town.  While in Texas for business, she decides to check out the small town of La Salle to see why the heck she keeps dreaming about it.

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Yeah- it’s pretty crap.  Not even much of a B-rated enjoyment.

This is mostly because it’s just downright confusing.  I couldn’t tell when things were actually happening or Sarah Michelle Gellar was simply having “just another psycho daydream” (that usually ended with her cutting- apparently this is the “mental-health stuff”).

The scene cuts were very disjointed and there weren’t good cues (music, ambiance, etc.) to let you know that what you were viewing wasn’t “really happening”.

It also really weirded me out to see Ben from the T.V. show, Parks & Rec (Adam Scott) play a skeevey assaulting a-hole.  He did it pretty well though, despite his part being brief.

I think the end was supposed to be a twist? Maybe? I more saw it as a “Oh thank god they’ve stopped having confusing scene cuts and just freakin’ SHOWED what the hell was going on”.

It was a good laugh though.  And I did really like the idea behind what was happening to Sarah Michelle Gellar.  I just wish they’d explained it better.

I won’t ruin “the twist” in case someone out there does want to check it out.  I would say it’s okay to watch with a couple friends for fun if you’ve acquired a copy cheaply.

Maybe do a shot every time the scene turns out to all be in Sarah Michelle Gellar’s head.

You will need a lot. Like a pyramid.

Birdemic!!!!!

 

I’ve now had a couple various friends ask me to come to this Rifftrax Birdemic screening thing on October 25th.

For those of you who don’t know, Rifftrax is this awesome thing the old Mystery Science Theatre guys do where they still make fun of movies.  However, instead of the usual crap-tastic B-rated crap flicks (which I love) that they just sit in front of and rip on, you buy the Rifftrax audio file separately and sync it up to a Blockbuster hit.  A way to get around that pesky copyright legal junk.

I can’t really comment too much on it, as I’ve only heard part of the Inception one because my tablet doesn’t like their audio files for some reason.  Now, what I head was hilarious, so I’m sure they’re awesome.

But to be honest, I’m going to this Birdemic thing mostly for the company.  And this will be a little closer to their normal MST3K stuff, where they’ll be actively commenting on some godawful B-rated flick.  So I’m sort of excited.


I’m hoping it’ll be a nice way to ease back into socializing and being a “normal person” (whatever that is).

Things have been a bit crazy internally the past couple days, but this isn’t the post to talk about that.

This post is for BIRDEMIC!!

A Remy and Rogue Star Wars smile

Shadow Dragon was kind enough to post this on Facebook and it gave me such a smile that I thought I’d share it with all of you.

I forgot to mention that besides Red Dwarf, I am also an uber X-men Geek.  I’m actually not really a fan of Star Wars, but this picture is still AWESOME.

ENJOY!!

Remy, Rogue, and Kurt as Hans, Leia, and Luke. Fantastic.

Credit:  this picture is from here orginally

Boys from the Dwarf

To cheer myself up today, I did a lot of Googling and WordPress searches on Red Dwarf, which is my favorite television show ever.

I know that seem strange for a number of reasons.

1. I’m a girl. It’s a goofy sci-fi show centering around 4 men. And not like, sensitively metrosexual men. Just gross, disgusting, dorky men.

2. I’m under the age of 30. This show technically came out in the late eighties. Technically that’s the decade of my birth. I also like Doctor Who (the OLD stuff). I’m an old soul at heart.

3. I’m American. I currently live in the Midwest. Most of us aren’t aware the British do anything besides Harry Potter and Doctor Who.

4. I’m not really nerdy at all. I don’t like video games (with the exception of Left for Dead, but only played at friend’s houses, as I do not own any game consuls).  I hate Lord of the Rings (don’t hurt me!). It’s surprising that I’m technological savvy enough to manage this blog. My area of expertise is law and pickles. I love shopping and shoes (and don’t even get me started on shopping FOR shoes).

5. I hate Star Trek (please don’t hurt me!)

6. Despite dealing with DID/MPD, every single one of us likes at least one episode of Red Dwarf, although Armes has a hard time getting the jokes sometimes. Rather strange. There isn’t much else we all like.

7. One of us had the biggest crush on Rimmer. Still does. I won’t tell you who, as it’s embarrassing to her.
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Anyway, I’m loving how reading about other bloggers excitement for the new Series X (which you lucky Brits get in October!!) has given me such a smile on my face.  In particular this post and this hilarious one featuring SUPER interesting telephone poll photographs.

Now I just need to get the courage up to swing by Army’s apartment and pick up my DVDs. I really need the comfort-food-like quality of a Red Dwarf marathon.

Boys from the Dwarf!