Crap

Today is crap.

The weather is crap.  My job is crap.  My apartment is crap.  My relationships are all crap.

I don’t feel like elaborating much right now.

I just finished sobbing in bathroom at work.  Been a long time since I’ve done that.

I just don’t want this anymore.

Any of it.

List of Happy

After the last post and this past weekend, I’ve decided to take stock on the things/people currently making me happy.

1. Zoe: Obviously. Even now, she is pressed tightly next to me, though upside down, and will give me kisses anytime I lean over close to her face.

2. Grey: He not only visited me over the week to break up my lonliness, but we’ve been chatting and getting along great lately.

3. My mom: She is trying so hard to do a couple huge life changes for herself, including finding a new residence and new job, and it’s super stressful I’m sure. But she always makes time for me and checks in daily to see how I am without being nosey or persistent.

4. My job: It drives me nuts half the time (especially today), but I do love it and I did get the raise I deserved. There’s also talk of finally increasing my hours. Yay, more money!

5. Finding a house: I can finally stop being a burden on Shadow Dragon, which I struggle more and more with every day. The house I’m looking at will be with my mom, which is probably very “high school” of me. However, we are close friends and have practically a “Gilmore Girl” relationship anyway.

6. Army: I struggled with putting him on this list because he drives me up the wall a lot of the time, but he also says sweet things, makes me laugh, and gets my boundaries, which is more than I can say for most of my other attempts at non-platonic relationships.

Now the trick is to keep these in mind when the going gets tough…

The Work/Job Aspect

I’ve been handling the work aspects of this system for many years now.

Our jobs have entailed highly complex analytical and logical aspects since the first time we were gainfully employed. It is the main reason that a lot of doctors/therapists have hesitated to diagnose us with an official DID disorder. They don’t find it “feasible” that someone who has dealt with lost time, multiple personalities, abuse and neglect as a child could handle any sort of career that involve legal expertise and adhering to state and federal financial program guidelines.

I am proud to say that I have (at times, single-handedly) managed to keep us from total financial destitution by forcing myself to handle our day-to-day employment despite struggling with triggers, switching, and self-destructive alters.

The trouble becomes that I’ve been given a label of “protector alter” because I am able to overcome any other alter (at least in a job situation, I’ve not tried in other situations) and my “always-sober” aspect. That is, if another alter has taken something, be it drugs or alcohol, it does not affect me.

However, I’m not really sure if protector is a correct designation for myself. Rika is the one who can take over at will in any situation where the body needs protecting. Granted, I’ve never attempted that, but that is because I’ve had no compulsion to.

I don’t find protecting the body my primary care or goal. I find myself concerned primarily with making sure we do well at work. And I excel at this. Because of the way I’ve tailored myself in the system, I detest social situations.

But today our office is having a bowling event where attendance is mandatory. I’m not sure how best to handle this social/work situation. I do not wish to socialize or bowl, but I suspect business will be discussed and the social-type alters have no idea how to respond to such topics.

I have a mere three hours to discover some sort of happy-medium solution. Perhaps we can manage a dual-switching comfortably for a couple hours. Normally rapid repeated switching gives the body severe pain, migraines, dizziness, and exacerbates the medical condition we’ve been diagnosed with.

Perhaps I can just suck up my distaste for socializing for one evening.

-Serefina