This empty life…

He called me “hon”.

He is not prone to terms of endearment. This isn’t a man who slips into language like a diner’s waitress.

After no communication for days. Maybe a week.

I’ve lost track of time.

These days time is like taffy. Stretching, clinging, sticking.

The point is it just slipped out so casually.

And I want to bash my head into a wall repeatedly.

There’s a reason I grew up loving paperback mysteries, Stephen King, and Wes Craven movies. This isn’t a girl who believes in fairy-tale-happy-ending bullshit.

I am my father’s daughter.

And I know better.

I know that there isn’t some white knight who is gonna swoop in at the last minute and make all the hurt disappear. There isn’t even a constant weight on the other side of my bed, much less in less explicit facets of my life.

I am on my own. Always. Regardless of where I’m stuck in time.

Only a single friend has told me “You deserve to have him stay. You give so much.”

All others are silent. And it shows me what I already know, in that deepest heart of mine. That truest heart. That constant companion that’s been there since when I was little.

There’s no point in giving. There is no deserving.

There is only the taffy stretch of time and the constant stickiness of pain.

“Cigarettes” by The Wreckers

Army and I

Apparently we aren’t speaking.  I wasn’t aware of this.  I’m not even sure what the hell I did.  Something to do with some new friends I made recently.  He inferred that he basically thinks I’m screwing around on him.  Apparently I’m not allowed to have friends he doesn’t know. 

Shadow Dragon and Texas both think the problem is the husband of the new friends (it’s a couple) is ex-army as well, so Army’s all uncomfortable because technically he’s my only friend who served in that branch of the military (I do live in an Air Force town).  But I made a big deal about them being a married couple and older and only helping me with some of depression and mental issues by being lovely supportive friends.

At first Army was just sort of quiet about them when I said I’d made new friends and described them a bit.

And then they helped me find my new apartment.  After I told Army that, he hinted that I now owed them sexual favors (in a biting, spiteful way) and hasn’t spoken to me since.

I wish it didn’t affect me as much as it is.

I was so happy about this new apartment.

Now I just feel…lonely and depressed again.  Living alone is currently sucking.

My hot water heater decided to not work yesterday inexplicably.  Thankfully it magically fixed itself this morning and I was able to take a shower.  I hope it stays working now.

There’s a baby next door (despite the landlord swearing no children lived anywhere nearby) that has colic or something because it’s been wailing and screaming for about 4 days straight.  Walls are thin here.

I’m just…not sure about this whole living alone thing.

Maybe I’m not cut out for it…