This empty life…

He called me “hon”.

He is not prone to terms of endearment. This isn’t a man who slips into language like a diner’s waitress.

After no communication for days. Maybe a week.

I’ve lost track of time.

These days time is like taffy. Stretching, clinging, sticking.

The point is it just slipped out so casually.

And I want to bash my head into a wall repeatedly.

There’s a reason I grew up loving paperback mysteries, Stephen King, and Wes Craven movies. This isn’t a girl who believes in fairy-tale-happy-ending bullshit.

I am my father’s daughter.

And I know better.

I know that there isn’t some white knight who is gonna swoop in at the last minute and make all the hurt disappear. There isn’t even a constant weight on the other side of my bed, much less in less explicit facets of my life.

I am on my own. Always. Regardless of where I’m stuck in time.

Only a single friend has told me “You deserve to have him stay. You give so much.”

All others are silent. And it shows me what I already know, in that deepest heart of mine. That truest heart. That constant companion that’s been there since when I was little.

There’s no point in giving. There is no deserving.

There is only the taffy stretch of time and the constant stickiness of pain.

“Cigarettes” by The Wreckers

The Netflix Solution

I’ve spent the past couple weeks struggling with reality. I’ve been unemployed so long that time has lost meaning.

And for someone who’s main struggle and coping issues stem from disassociation, losing even more track of time is unraveling me from reality.

Time is measured merely in daylight or lack of daylight. There are no hours, no minutes, no days.

I curl into my nest and turn on Netflix.

And my superhero power rises to the surface.

See, I can find the show or movie most likely to overwhelm me with feels in less than 5 minutes. Call it a gift.

-Sense8
-Cake
-Skeleton Twins
-Drinking Buddies
-The Hours
-Neverwas
-In Your Eyes
-Life Partners
-Take this Waltz

I could go on.

I really should attempt to watch things that will tether me more to this reality. But it’s been hard. The most I can manage are horror movies. Those kind of help. In the sense that I’m aware life is not like that. Unlike when I watch the mental-health-like cerebral movies and shows where I find myself entwined with the characters.

I wish something would change soon.

I may float away.

Stolen Time

Someone is stealing time again.

I can’t go through this again.

And not just simple time stealing. It’s malicious. Upheaving type.

I know this because when I left work a bit ago, I unlocked my phone and opened the mobile browser to discover a website open to search “Northern Illinois available residences”.

I am terrified.

Not a single (allied) alter/insider has memory of this.

But my phone has a complicated passcode to get into it (thank you paranoia) so it had to be “me”.

Losing time is one thing. But secret planning is a whole other.

I don’t want to wake up somewhere unknown.

I promised myself I wouldn’t do that ever again.

How can I keep a promise to myself if my whole self doesn’t seem to agree?