In light of this stupid V-day thing, I’ve been pondering relationships way too much.
I’m come to this conclusion: relationships are dumb.
I got into this whole discussion with Mama over at Mental Midwest (that was probably waaaay more drawn out that she needed to hear 😉 ) about relationships, men, and FWB.
And it’s got me thinking.
Craig is driving me nuts.
But I don’t think it’s entirely Craig’s fault (besides the creepy baby discussion). I think I just don’t really get how to handle a relationship that demands a shit-ton of my time, attention, and possibly emotions. I’m just not really that interested.
I thought that’s what I wanted. I thought I wanted the deep, schmoozey, can’t-stop-thinking-about-them, meant-to-be kind of relationship.
But I think that’s only because that’s the relationship Katherine and I had. However, that also had aspects of abuse to it as well, so I definitely should not be holding it as some sort of standard.
I miss Army a lot. And I’m so angry and resentful towards myself for these feelings. I made myself examine why I got fed up with Army. His flakiness. Then I made myself examine whether I’m grumpier about Craig’s neediness, or Army’s flakiness.
And the results are surprising and a bit displeasing.
I’m coming to like living alone more and more. I like being able to make spontaneous plans with friends only a day or two in advance. I like being able to spend so much time with Zoe. I like being able to only have to worry about my own finances.
I hate how Craig keeps pushing for me to come over to his place. I hate how he planned this V-day thing on Friday over a week in advance. I hate that he constantly wants to do something. I hate that he can’t hold a conversation unless it involves computers, babies, his family, or his exes.
I miss that Army could/can always make me laugh. He can always cheer me up. He can always make me feel pretty. I loved that he likes the same sort of movies that I do. I love that we like the same kind of food. I love that we can talk about my job, his job, current events, mutual dumb shit we’ve heard and actually have a two-way conversation.
Goddammit I miss Army.
And the worse part is I know I could step right back into a “relationship” with him.
We texted for two hours last night. Just in a friendly sort of way. He’s always been a good friend before the whole sex thing. But sex did get brought up, like it does with him, and he sweetly said something about how I was the best and he missed it with me and he liked how it was always without awkwardness or extreme expectations.
I winced at hearing that because all it did was make me crave that sex again.
Relationships are dumb.
I think what I’m going to do is go to this thing on Friday with Craig, and if there aren’t amazing turnaround fireworks or something, I’m just going to let him down as nicely as I can (god I hate being that girl) and then re-evaluate me, myself, and I. And my life.
And not immediately jump Army’s bones.
No. I will wait.
Dammit. I need to learn that self-control thing.
Treat sex like I do food. Don’t want to get fat.