Splintered

I am splintered.  Really struggling with the whole unity and “I”.  Feeling only like a “we” the past couple days.

And we are not agreeable or allies in any way.
__________________________________________________

I’m not sure what made me decide to confide in him over text about being fat and ugly and needing pills and laxatives.  I’ve never spoken to anyone about it before.  I did take some pills and washed them down with a couple shots of liquor.  It makes it easier to not think about food.  I don’t need food.  Food makes me fat.

Then he texted us.  And sent everyone into a tailspin.  Charlotte is squirming in that nasty way she does.  He asks if I’m all right.  If I’m coping with all my new stress.  He says he misses me.  He asks about the new guy.  I don’t want to talk about Craig.  He says he’s worried about me.  He wonders if I’m handling living alone all right.

And I tell him.

I tell him I’m so fat and I have to take the laxatives on the weekend because otherwise I can’t go to work.  That during the week it’s hard and I struggle so bad to be a good girl.  That the other ladies at work always look so chic.  And they notice when I lose weight.  They notice every single pound.  And they are so happy for me.  So very happy.  They praise.  They congratulate.  They sing and shout and smile.  Their white teeth take up their whole face like fence posts in front of a perfect house.  A house a lady would have.

He cuts off my rantings and calms me down.  His encouragement and praise for my body being the way it is skitters into my brain and wraps around me like a blanket.  He dismisses the thoughts of blubber, of fat, of sludge.  I tell him it’s been weeks since he’s seen my anyway.

He says it doesn’t matter.  He doesn’t like me being so cruel to myself.  He says he cares.

How can he care?  He just leaves and dismisses me.  He doesn’t care at all.

He never cared when Audrey was hurting from the mess he made.
(he never thought the pregnancy was a two-person effort)

Why am I the one who feels pain at his words?  I don’t care what boys think.  What is wrong with me?
Charlotte’s affecting me too much.

More pills.

-Victoria

__________________________________________________

I’m not exactly sure who told Craig our address.  My best guess is Charlotte or Kit.  It’s hard to know.  All I know is this boy stands in my living room, offering gifts of chocolate, ice cream, diet coke (Kit’s weakness) to try and make our back pain better.

But I barely know him.  I certainly don’t know him well enough to chose to let him into our residence.  But someone thinks he’s safe.  I think about enlisting Rika to help me boot him out.

It’s Charlotte that surfaces instead.  She entices him into the bedroom, saying they’ll watch a movie.  I wrestle control enough to stiffly watch a movie with him.  The damn muscle relaxers are messing me up badly.  Me, who can handle most pills like a trooper.  It is my talent, after all.

The rest of the evening slips past me.  I doze at one point.

The body dozes.

The boy doesn’t leave.

It’s me who wakes up in the cold light of morning and feels the pressure of an arm slung over my waist.  Rika fights her way forward but is caught by something.  By someone.

And suddenly I am gone.

-Midori

__________________________________________________

no one knows self-sabotage like i do.  the boy moves closer, muttering something about mornings and food.  i remain perfectly still.  i am a statue.  i am always a statue when they want me to be.

but he wants to get up and go get food.  i stare at him.  he remarks that i can’t go to a restaurant in pajamas.  i look down and notice that i am fully clothed in a t-shirt and the loose pants that say coca-cola in red.  i glance back up at the boy.  he is fully clothed in jeans and a black t-shirt.  he tilts his head slightly and says something.  then he smiles in a sickeningly honest way.

i run

-daria
__________________________________________________

I could eat.  I change clothes in the bathroom and accompany him to Bob Evans.  Breakfast sounds the best.

I am a little disappointed over the lack of activity last night, but he seems to be the type who isn’t into a quick roll in the sack anyway.

In my disappointment, my thoughts easily drift to Army as he natters on about his antics with friends back during his school days.  I wonder how much Victoria’s craziness scared Army.  It doesn’t seem like much, considering he last texts are about how he’ll always listen to us if we need it and all he wants to do is help.  I idly wonder what sort of help I might be able to get that offer to extend to….

I snap to attention when Craig mentions children and stare at him.  He speaks again, talking about how he-wants-a-family-and-he-has-name-ideas-and-he-thought-his-ex’s-baby-might-have-been-his-but-the-timing-wasn’t-right-and-that’s-probably-a-good-thing-anyway-because-he’s-done-with-her-and-a-child-should-be-with-someone-he’s-attracted-to-and-cares-about…

His eyes focus.  I blink.  And frown.

No fucking way.

I fucked that shit up before.  I am not gonna be the one to crack open that jar this time.  Not to mention that the last time was a complete accident.  This guy sounds like he’d hide our birth control pills.

Fucking hell.

-Charlotte
__________________________________________________

Fat (TW)

I hate having to deal with the aftermath of a self-harming episode.  I hate dealing with the withdraw from Middi’s pill popping. I hate dealing with the stinging of Daria’s mutilation whenever clothes or above-tepid water touch the tiny cat-like scratches.

But what I hate the most is having hide Victoria’s crazy self-mutilation. She cuts and burns actual words into my skin. Not something I can pass off as a dog or cat scratch after a week of healing. Nope. Something I have to hide for months until the scar fades enough that it can’t be read.

It’s been almost a year since she last tried to do this. And someone was able to stop her before she managed anything resembling readable English.

Not this time.

I’m so ashamed.

All it does is give power to her desire to starve us to death.

Every time I look down and see those three letters, I believe them.

It doesn’t matter what others say. Even a completely unbiased (and well-meaning) friend of Shadow Dragon who was over last night said “Where’s the rest of you?” and some other comments about my supposed dramatic weight loss. But it’s so hard for me to see it myself.

Why? Why?

Why do I only see flab and fat? I just try not to be as bad as Victoria. But I see it. Every day.

And now those three letters carved into my skin whisper to me that I’m not good enough. I’m not there yet. Moremoremore.

I don’t want to die. I know parts of me do, but most of me wants to live. Why can’t those parts be stronger? Why do the negative parts get away with so much? How do they get so much power? Why does insecurity always slip back in instead of the compliments I hear from friends and family?

I don’t understand.

Impartial View

This whole ridiculous thing with Army has gotten a bit out of hand.  Especially on here.

No one so far has given a fair, impartial view of what this relationship is like.  Of who is really the problem.  Of what the issues truly are and whether they would be worth working out.

Being that Rika is too much against relationships, I am probably truly the best unbiased judge.  I had some input on this list from Serefina, our “legal-minded” alter.

_________________________________

Army Factoids

• He works in the medical field with extremely varying shifts, hours, and unreliable time off.
  However, our own jobs are extremely demanding and we don’t like being smothered anyway.
• He’s extremely intelligent
  Thank the gods for witty banter
• He’s mostly emotionally distant, except in times of privacy and intimacy
  We don’t like being all gooey in front of others anyway (unless we’re drunk), so this works out in general.  Sometimes we’re the more emotionally distant, especially during sex.
• He very rarely apologizes.
  This is only a big problem because it’s triggery because of Father.  Honestly, when he’s really done wrong, he apologizes. Eventually.  Usually the first opportunity we’re alone in person.  He doesn’t like apologizing over text or phone calls.
• Despite his military history and extensive collection of guns, somehow does not trigger us as violent or threatening in any way.
  This is lovely and puzzling at the same time.  Though there is no man on Earth we trust with our emotional/mental state, he is one of the few we trust with our physical.  Wholeheartedly.
• He reallllly sucks at the whole romantic stuff (like sweet gifts, random surprises, cute dates, etc.)
  This is only particularly hard because we had gotten used to the smothering romances of Katherine and previous exes.  We aren’t really the kind of woman who needs a bunch of crap.  It’s just nice to be reminded that we’re wanted.
• But he is usually fine with most suggestions we have of date locations and activities
  This almost makes up for the lack of romantic initiative.
• Though he doesn’t love horror movies, he doesn’t hate them either.  He gets that we love them and will go out of his way to watch one with us
  This is a big thing, considering I doubt we could date anyone who couldn’t watch horror movies. It’s not a big thing that he isn’t a huge fan- we like being the bigger geek in that sense.
• He loves anything we bake
  Obviously I can’t say anything negative about this fact.
• Though he isn’t much for comforting, will listen to us when we’re upset.
  We don’t really want comfort.  Just an ear and validation that we have a right to be upset.  He’s very good at that.
• He loves Zoe wholeheartedly
  And she loves him back.  He’s the only person (besides us) that can walk in any door and she doesn’t bark at him once.  She only bounds to him happily.  That says a lot.
• He gives us medical assistance when we’re sick or when we ask- but respects our boundaries and triggers in regards to medicine and medical persons/places.
  Basically he doesn’t drag us to hospital unless we’re in serious danger. And he helps that danger not happen by giving us a bit of slightly unlicensed practicing of medicine.  Whatever, we give him unlicensed law advice (SHHHHHH).
• He can be unimaginative in the bedroom but he is really good at the basics so….not necessary an issue
  The sex is good. That’s the bottom line.  But some of us (*cough* Charlotte) itch for a bit more playing in the bedroom.  However, he has said he’s open to direction.  We’re just not wired to direct.
• He doesn’t like talking about his issues, especially if related to depression or finances.
  Neither do we. We both bitch about how the other won’t confide about these problems to each other. Bwahahahaha.
• He can be really awkward socially, since he really only enjoys two or three topics and can be a pushy know-it-all about those topics.
  It can get bad with certain friends and family.  But he’s gotten better at noticing my uncomfortable and pissed-off cues and will then try to rein himself back on being a know-it-all prick.
• He’s so very good at getting us to feel good about ourselves, especially physically.
  However, this only lasts about a day after we see him at the most.  And we don’t see him often. 

_________________________________

So there we go.  That’s as unbiased as I can get.  I don’t particularly dislike the man. But I suppose there are relationship flaws.

Not sure if the good outweighs the bad.

This is just my take on things.

Nothing less. Nothing more.

Jewelry making

For the first time in months, I’m getting back into jewelry making. We all thought it might be nice to make a birthday gift for our coworker who has been our mentor and support since we started at this company.

Well, actually a couple weeks after we started. We found her very intimidating at first, haha.

Below are some pictures of my work station and the rose necklace I ended up making.

I apologize for the low resolution- my tablet doesn’t handle groups of tiny objects well.

 

This one came out better

 

Idiosyncrasies

(We were inspired by Carol Anne’s post this evening having to do with “being recognized”.  Things are a bit hectic tonight and some sorting out would be helpful.  Our system always likes talking about being separate, even if we are trying this uniting/getting along thing.  It settles us.)
___________________________________________________________

There are little behaviors, movements, actions, words, etc. that usually identify a particular person.

With someone who has a system or is a multiple, the alters each tend to have ones to call all their own.

We’re all feeling a bit restless and needed a sort of “freewrite”, so to speak.

I thought listing some well-known idiosyncrasies we use to figure out who has control of the body would be a good way to settle down.

Kit had a similar list handwritten in a safe location when we were at our worse switching and losing time and had to try and attempt to figure out some order.
_____________________________________________________________

Armes
-hums, especially Disney or Glee songs
-colors
-bites her nails
-tends to only whisper
-likes to eat food “in bits”, picking off pieces slowly and taking tiny bites (especially with cookies and pastries)

 

Charlotte
-flips her hair, especially when flirting
-expressive use of her eyes, especially with flirting
-always crosses her legs
-flicks her Zippo lighter case compulsively
-smokes like a true addict- savors the cigarette

 

Claire
-twirls pens and pencils
-tucks her hair behind her ear compulsively, especially when nervous
-won’t make eye contact with a male
-chews on pens and pencils’ ends while writing

 

Daria
-rocks back and forth, especially when nervous
-mutters under her breath and never speaks above a whisper or hiss
-leaves out self-harm implements (most of the self-harmers clean up after themselves)
-repeats words and phrases over and over

 

Kit
-eats pickles in a very slow and particular way, almost like an ear of corn
-likes to relax lying on her stomach, legs kicking in the air
-will compulsively play with jewelry the body has on
-likes to drive with all the windows down
-will leave the TV running when drifting off to sleep (especially during storms)

 

Midori
-sings when she thinks no one’s listening (especially while baking)
-foot jiggles when reading a “good part” in a book
-ability to block out practically any distractions when reading, baking, composing, or gaming
-smokes in a sort of distracted way, as if it’s only a placeholder for another habit
-will take painkillers compulsively if she can gain access to them

Rika
-leaves the radio in the car really loud
-smokes cigarettes like a chimney, not pausing at all
-drives a bit recklessly
-If someone on the road does something to piss her off, will talk to drivers in an angry patronizing way as if they can hear her
-cusses every other word

 

Roms
-prefers cats (with the exception of Zoe)
-enjoys water in any form, will try to swim or take long showers when out
-goes out of her way to check on any nearby children
-takes her time to examine art objects or photographs (like in a new place)

Serefina
-pulls hair into bun
-reads non-fiction books, especially relating to law
-speaks in a highly professional tone with a lot of large words
-doodles in margins of papers she takes notes on (she doesn’t like admitting this)

Victoria
-braids the body’s hair
-refuses to eat
-has long beauty regimes (face masks, body lotion, sloughing cream, etc.)
-tries to have a self-harming item in one hand, even if not actively using
-only alter who does burning self-harm

Tattoos

I got the new tattoo!

And I got my previous one touched up- the outline fixed and the butterfly color’s changed a bit.

It was, honestly, one of the most painful experiences of my life.  I learned the wrist is an extremely painful place for me when it comes to tattoos apparently.  I’m hoping it isn’t going to need touched up because I’m not sure I can go through that again.
____________________________________________________________________

It’s caused a bit of turmoil in the system, which surprises me.
The fox/butterfly tattoo didn’t cause any turmoil at all- if anything, it sort of brought us more together.

But there’s something about this new one that’s causing issues.
It was made clear when we figured out the design that the treble clef is for our love of music in general, not just Midori’s piano playing.  And the rune Algiz is not just a religious related symbol for Roms.  We’ve purposefully designed both our tattoos to have multiple meanings because we are a multiple system.

I am sad that we seem to have failed on this account- especially since I was so involved in figuring out the design and location.

Here are some pictures for you though.  Keep in mind they were taken with a crummy phone camera before they’ve healed.  Once they are good and healed, I’ll take some better ones.

The new one- a combination of a treble clef and the rune Algiz

 

The previous one after being touched-up.

 

Have I Ever….?

(Apologizes for the mess of posts today.  Thoughts are needing organizing.)

Okay, so someone on Facebook had this and it perked my interest.  Obviously I’m suuuuuuuper bored.

I thought it would be fun to do this as more of a multiple-themed thing.  So instead of “yes/no”, I’m going to put the name of which alter(s) have done the following:
*Note: the name will be put assuming we know who did it
*Note 2: some of these questions may be triggering to some.  The answers shouldn’t, as we aren’t planning to elaborate on our experience.
*Note 3: This is probably only remotely interesting to ourselves.  That’s fair.

_____________________________________________________________________________

100 Things

1. Had sex?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

2. Bought Condoms?
Charlotte

3. Gotten Pregnant?
Charlotte, technically (all of us were pregnant though, obviously)

4. Failed A Class?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori (Serefina refuses responsibility)

5. Kissed A Boy?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Serefina

6. Kissed A Girl?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

7. Used A Little Paper Bag for Lunch?
Armes, Claire, Rika, Roms, Serefina

8. Had A Job?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

9. Slipped On Ice?
Armes, Roms

10. Missed The School Bus?
Armes, Roms

11. Had sex with a girl?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

12. Bullied Someone On The Internet?
Rika, perhaps. But it would have been in retaliation to something most likely

13. Sexted?
Charlotte, Kit

14. Had Sex In Public?
Charlotte

15. Played On A Sports Team?
Mute, Rika, Serefina

16. Smoked Weed?
Charlotte (once)

17. Smoked Cigarettes?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina

18. Smoked A Cigar?
Charlotte, Serefina

19. Drank Alcohol?
Charlotte, Daria, Kit, Midori, Serefina, Victoria

20. Watched porn?
Charlotte

21. Skipped class?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika

22. Gotten Arrested?
No one (astounding probably…)

23. Done meth?
No one

24. Been To A Wedding?
Armes, Claire, Kit, Roms

25. Fell in love with a best friend?
Claire, Kit, Roms  (Charlotte refuses to acknowledge ever “falling in love”)

26. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?
Claire, Midori, Serefina

27. Watched TV For 5 Hours Straight?
Armes, Kit, Midori, Rika

28. Been Late For Work?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

29. Been Late For School?
Probably everyone at some point

30. Kissed In The Rain?
Charlotte and Roms (only ones not afraid of storms who will kiss someone)

31. Showered With Someone Else?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, RIka, Roms, Serefina

32. Failed My Drivers Test?
Kit (Rika took the 2nd attempt and passed with flying colors)

33. Cheated on a ex?
No one

34. Been Outside My Home Country?
All of us.

35. Been On A Road Trip Longer Than 5 Hours?
Daria, Kit, Midori, Mute, Rika, Serefina, Victoria

36. Had Lice?
Unknown- someone in 2nd or 3rd grade

37. Gotten My Heart Broken?
…all of us  (except Rika -eyeroll-)

38. Had A Credit Card?
Technically all of us, but only Charlotte, Kit, Midori, and Rika really go shopping

39. Been To A Professional Sports Game?
Mute, Midori, Rika (it’s always been with Daddy…)

40. Broken A Bone?
All of us

41. Am I BI/Gay/Lesbian?
Hm…Audrey, Claire, Kit, Midori, Roms, and Serefina admit to it.  Technically we’ve all been in a relationship with a woman, but the other deny being “normally” attracted to women

42. Won A Trophy?
Claire, Midori, Rika

43. Cut Myself?
Audrey, Daria, Midori, Victoria

44. Had An STD?
No one

45. Got Engaged?
Not legally- Ohio doesn’t accept same-sex marriage- but technically Katherine and I were engaged

46. Done ecstasy?
No one

47. Tried Out To Be On A TV Show?
No one

48. Rode In A Taxi?
All of us (from Chicago…obviously. Lol.)

49. Been To Prom?
Audrey, Kit

50. Played A Drinking Game?
Charlotte, Midori, Serefina

51. Stayed Up For 24 Hours Or More?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina, Victoria

52. Been To A Concert?
Midori

53. Had A Three-Some?
No one

54. Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex?
Audrey, Kit, Midori, Serefina

55. Been In A Car Accident?
All of us

56. Had Braces?
All of us

57. Learned Another Language?
Claire, Midori, Mute, Rika, Serefina

58. Killed An Animal?
No. Never. No one. Ever ever.

59. Been At A Yard Sale?
A variety of us

60. Been To A Japanese Steakhouse?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

61. Wore Make Up?
Charlotte, Claire, Kit

62. Talked To Someone Via Webcam?
All of us

63. Lost My Virginity Before I Was 16?
….

64. Had My Wisdom Teeth Taken Out?
All of us

65. Kissed Someone A Different Race Than Myself?
Charlotte

66. Snuck Out Of The House?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina

67. Bought Porn?
Charlotte

68. Had A Virus On My Computer?
All of us

69. Had Oral Sex?
Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Serefina

70. Dyed My Hair?
All of us

71. Gone Skinny Dipping?
Charlotte, Kit

72. Graduated From College?
No one (technically our degree is a couple credits short)

73. Wore Someone Else’s Clothes?
A variety of us (mostly Germany’s or Texas’s)

74. Voted In A Presidential Election?
Midori, Serefina

75. Rode In An Ambulance?
Unknown- too triggery

76. Rode In A Helicopter?
No one

77. Caught The Stove On Fire?
Charlotte (haha, taught her to leave the cooking to Middi and Roms)

78. Got In A Verbal Fight?
Charlotte, Kit, Rika

79. Met Someone Famous?
No one

80. Been On Vacation?
All of us

82. Been On A Boat?
All of us

81. Been On An Airplane?
All of us

83. Broken Something Expensive?
Unknown….there’s…something about this question, but I can’t quite remember

84. Had Surgery?
Does wisdom teeth removal count? That’s the only surgery we’ve ever had.

85. Been In Love?
Ah…yes.

86. Beat A Video Game?
Kit, Midori, Rika

87. Found Something Valuable On The Ground?
I don’t think so…

88. Made A Survey?
No one

89. Stalked Someone On A Social Network?
No one

90. Prank Called Someone?
Kit, Rika

92. Spent Over $100 Shopping In One Day?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori

91. Been To A Library Outside Of School?
Armes, Midori

93. Cut My Hair And Hated It?
Charlotte, Kit, Victoria

94. Peed Outside?
Roms (she’s the only one who likes camping/canoeing)

95. Went Fishing?
No one

96. Helped With Charity?
All of us

97. Taken A Pregnancy Test?
Audrey

98. Been Rejected By A Crush?
All of us

99. Been Suspended From School?
No one

100. Broken a mirror?
No one (we’re a superstitious bunch)

Ephedrine is Magic

I shouldn’t take ephedrine.

It raises my normally high blood pressure to scary amounts.

However, as Shadow Dragon has mentioned in previous posts of her’s, I have been very very sick for going on about 3 weeks now.  I’m tired of it.  I’ve missed way too much work, I haven’t been able to be social much at all, I’ve been a terrible doggy-mommy to Zoe.

It got to a point Monday where I just couldn’t handle it anymore.  Fortunately, I also saw Army on Monday and he was nice enough to give me some of his “wonder drugs” he keeps on hand.  No worries, they aren’t illegal, and they’re technically over the counter.  They’re just restricted.

Because they have ephedrine.  Which if you didn’t know, can be used to make meth.

Basically it’s Speed in simple pill form.

I took some Monday and felt fantastic.  I skipped yesterday because I don’t want to die of a stroke or kidney failure.  Then yesterday I felt awful, threw up a couple times, had a headache (and had some emotional/friends crap I soooooo didn’t need to deal with, but that’s not something I really want to talk about), so it was a disaster anyway.  So today I took another dose.

I am freakin’ Wonder Woman.  Yes. I feel like I can do fucking anything right now.  I could stop a speeding train with the flick of my wrist.

Ok, maybe not.

But I can multitask at work without dying and pretend to be friendly towards my coworkers.  And that’s a big step forward.

Ephedrine is magic.

Practically Friendless

Hello.

It’s been a while.

A long while.

Things went…completely to shit for the past couple weeks. I don’t remember most of it, as the switching was ridiculous.

It pretty much started with my ex, Katherine, contacting me out of the blue.  Really for no reason.  I don’t know why I answer the phone.

Ok, I don’t answer the phone. Obviously. I have no idea who did, honestly.  There were a couple who talked to her throughout the conversation.  But most of us don’t have any interest in remaining acquainted with her.  Except for that alter who answer the phone- when the rest of us wanted to throw it against the wall.
And all it did was send us into a tailspin and what she said make me turn into my normal ostrich coward-self.

I had another mini-hibernation session, so to speak.

After the crippling conversations and texts from Katherine, Charlotte decided to run amok.
It was a disaster.  None of us never really been a person who thinks about carrying weapons around, but last weekend, we all had a desire to start carrying a gun (at least in the car).  Charlotte made a stupid, stupid decision that could have cost us our very livelihood.

We still have bruises. Though to be fair, she started that part.

If it hadn’t been for a firm direction on Shadow Dragon’s part, we would have let him pick us up and drive us all the way to Buttfuck, Nowhere, over an hour from our house.

And been stuck.

Thank god we drove.
The drink we were given…we are suspicious of something possibly being in it.  It was a simple bottle or two of hard cider we drank, but even Rika couldn’t shake the cobwebs enough to drive home until the morning.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

This is only now coming completely to light.  I wasn’t even completely aware of it until Saturday.

Saturday, when all the walls came down and all us alters decided to just be honest and work together for one simple day so we didn’t end up downing a bottle or two of narcotics.

October 6th, one year ago, we miscarried.  And it was the worse day of our life.

It’s been a huge chunk of what’s caused all this triggery switching and stupid destructive behavior.  Sabotaging relationships.  It’s what we do best.

We don’t deserve to be even liked.

And so, despite most of my friendships being currently down the toilet, I can’t really be mad at Midori or Claire for talking to Katherine.
I can’t be mad at Charlotte for acting like a self-destructive slut.  After all, it’s coping mechanisms that were creating years and years ago because they had a semblance of success.  They need to unlearn years of knee-jerk responses to our psyche swirling the drain.

Or maybe not.  Maybe it’s best if we just stay “that sort of girl”.

Our friends are better off anyway.

Windchimes again

Perhaps this is what the warning was for.

Everything going sideways.

I think it was from Audrey.  I’m so sorry Audrey.  I’m sorry for everything that happened to you, for everything you went through.

I understand why you went away.

Sometimes I think about joining you.

Sometimes I think we should all join you.

But I know that’s wrong and bad.
It’s just…everything She did…everything She didn’t.
I don’t understand how it means nothing to Kit and Midori and Serefina.  We lost Audrey over everything She did.  Sweet, soft, gentle Audrey.  Audrey who only ever loved with every bit of herself as deeply as she could.
And all it did was hurt her.  And destroy her.

Then there was Cordelia.  Our darling. Our light. Our life. Two against the world.
…I didn’t know my heart could break this much.  And now the anniversary is approaching, rearing it’s ugly head and reminding us of all the ways we aren’t good enough.

Rika has a theory that Audrey and I are twinned (Shadow Dragon talks about that concept occasionally).  I guess I can see that.  It would explain why I only have felt like half of a whole since she’s been gone.

Maybe if I keep talking to her…if I don’t act like she is gone…maybe Audrey will come back.  She could come back and fix everything…