The term my doctor used today to describe everything going on with me is “brainitis”. He was quick to say this is not a medical term, just a way to say that my issues are related to my brain.
Obviously, this isn’t entirely surprising. But I was surprised to have a doctor insist on going over all my mental-health (a term he didn’t like; he preferred “brain” or “mind”) related maladies.
He then stated we didn’t discuss any mental-health possibilities at my last visit. And he was peeved that I’d “withheld”.
This gave me pause and confusion. I was so sure that I talked my history of depression and mentioned my psych ward stay. I even wrote about it in my last entry, didn’t I? But he showed me the sheet I had to fill out describing all my ailments and sure enough, no mental-health stuff was checked.
I’m worried. And it triggered me a bit to see that. Am I having false memories? Am I losing time again? All doctor’s visits have always been hazy and riddled with 5-10 minute holes here and there. I just assumed it was me spacing in general due to my fear/discomfort with doctors.
But here’s evidence that something different may be happening. The paperwork didn’t match what I was so sure I’d done. I’m trying not to freak out.
Anyway. Not the point of this entry.
So we discussed my mental-health at length. And we addressed the fact that this hypertension issue started after my miscarriage in October of 2011.
Dr. J’s idea is my brain is all messed on a chemistry and processing level. And the hormones got all imbalanced after the miscarriage and my mental-health suffered as well (obviously with the acute depression and suicidal thoughts).
He thinks I also have trouble with being addicted to opiates. That was hard to hear. I don’t consider myself an addict. I think of the clients at my jobs who were true addicts to meth, crack, pills, alcohol. And I don’t want to be that. I don’t consider myself that.
I think Dr. J more meant my brain is addictive towards the opiate painkillers I’ve been prescribed in the past and it’s messed some things up.
So it all comes back to my brain. It already hasn’t been running correctly with my childhood and history of abuse (Which I actually mentioned to him. On a SECOND visit. He’s good.). Then it gets hit with a bad pregnancy/miscarriage and that just further pushes things outta whack.
It’s not an unsound theory. After reading “Brain on Fire”; I’m very open to the idea of the brain/mind being related to physical maladies.
At one point during the appointment, I was briefly upset by Dr. J and unsure about my good thoughts regarding him the other day. He had a point where he started speaking harshly about the expenses of my hospital stays and how he just wished I was more honest about my mental-health and why was I so ashamed about it???
Wow. How can I possibly explain a lifetime of masking/boxing/sucking-it-up like a good daughter for my father? How can I explain that it is shameful?
I’ve never thought of it like I do my migraines. I would never ever discuss my mental-health at work; but I talk about migraines all the time. I talk about my hypertension.
And lectures about money just make me think of Daddy and his constant disappointment in me not being some amazing financial success. And that my pile of debt is unacceptable to be a proper daughter. A lady shouldn’t have that. A lady to should be entirely sufficient.
My father will never accept this “brainitis” theory.
And that, more than anything, is my concern for today.
I still find Dr. J to be an amazing doctor. I find his meticulousness, his respect, his desire for absolute honestly understandable and refreshing.
But I do so wish it could just be my heart. Or my kidneys. Or some organ malfunctioning. Something my father would accept as not being within my control. He will never accept that my brain is simply “broken”.
He never has.