Squeezing blood from stone

My supervisor almost had me crying in a meeting today.  

That so rarely happens, especially with Sere usually being the one who fronts (she doesn’t do emotional).  But he just keeps pushing and demanding and pushing and I just can’t do all that he’s demanding.  

He semi-triggered me and I just felt that bubbly break.  It was awful.  I held back thankfully, though he could certainly tell he touched a nerve (my face did that crumple thing without giving way to tears or noises).

And I’m not getting any of the hours or raise that’s been promised.

You can’t squeeze blood from stone, but currently he is trying his best. Squeeze squeeze squeeze.

I’m not sure how much longer I can be here.  I may take Mom up on her offer of returning to the law firm sooner than I expected.

Sorry- short post for a bad day.  I’ll have some other updates in another day or two most likely.  Work has just been overloading me.  To put it mildly.

I’m not dead

I’m not dead.  I’m not well, but I’m not dead.  I realize I’ve been neglecting this place for awhile and I forget that most of you are not in contact with me via Facebook or email.  And I certainly don’t want you all wondering and worrying.

I’m alive.  I’m going through the motions still.

I probably won’t have a real update on here for a another little bit.  Basically things have gone to complete shit at work and I may not have a job soon.  I’m working my ass off to try and prevent that.

My mind is a little….swirly and so very easily triggered because of this.  So please forgive me for taking a vacation from the blogsphere for a bit.

I love all of you so very much and I do desperately miss hearing about all your lives, but I have to focus on myself right now.  It is a rarity for me, but apparently when it comes to keeping myself employed, I will actually be a bit selfish.

Please be patient and bear with me on this momentary sabbatical.

Lots of love.  I will be back ❤ ❤ ❤

-Pen

Crash

I definitely crashed today. I expected it. But it’s been a little more than I thought.

I made the (stupid) decision to go to this local health fair yesterday morning. It was mostly because they were giving out free spay vouchers and I wanted one for Zoe.

Good news is I got one.

Bad news is I decided to do some free screenings. My father has instilled in me this drive to take advantage of any free offers, especially if their a “high value” one. No matter how triggering.

And we all know how triggering the medical field is for Pen.

I was deeply disassociating by the mere second screening.

Those face masks.
The snap of the blue gloves.
Squeeze of the blood pressure cuff

Then somehow I end up at a BMI stand.
I know this will go badly. There’s a reason why I don’t own a scale.

The reading seems so high. I am blubber. No dinner for me today. Salad for the lunch I have scheduled with Mom.

And then I have to be social.

Just too much for one day.

So today I am my in my ball in bed. I am not dealing with the world.

I can barely deal with myself.

A Wedding Panic

Don’t worry- not mine.

I just got asked to be a maid of honor by one of my good friends yesterday.

She’s actually not one I’ve talked about much on this blog only because we mostly text or talk on the phone and rarely hang out.  This is due to the fact that she had a highly demanding job and home life.

But she (we’ll call her Lizzie) contacted me last night and asked me to be her maid of honor.

I’m floored by the request.  I know it’s a big deal and I’m super flattered to be asked.  But I also know it entails some real responsibility (she already asked me to come over this week and help her go through possibilities).
I love Lizzie, she is a wonderful woman and one the few who stuck with me during my pregnancy and even after the Jeff fiasco.

But I’ve never even been to a wedding.  Much less been a part of one.

I’ve seen “27 Dresses” and “My Best Friend’s Wedding”, and it seems like a maid of honor has some big responsibilities.  I certainly don’t want to throw a crummy bachorlette party.

Thankfully the wedding isn’t until October.  But apparently this stuff needs lots of advanced planning.  And Lizzie is a huge pre-planning-type person, so I have a feeling we’ll be doing stuff from now up until the actual day.

She did say I get to pick out my own dress, which I’m thankful for.  Hopefully no heinous bridesmaid gown for me.  But she’s talking about already picking out her dress and I’m worried I’m supposed to pick mine out really early, which is a terrible idea with my constant weight fluctuating.  Can they re-size it closer to the date?  Will it look as good?  I don’t want to ruin the look of her wedding by looking like I’m wearing an ill-fitting dress.

I think I can manage it though.  Through the advice of other friends (Hannah’s been particularly helpful) and the magic of the internet.