Trying to be a protector

(Trigger warning.  Bad language, dark thoughts, and slight sexual talk.)

He fucked someone else.

He’s the one who fucking decided to not speak to us for weeks, acts all apologetic when he comes to visit us in the hospital, and then last night he decides to tell Charlotte he’s fucked someone else.

While they’re in the MIDDLE of foreplay.

Fucking classy, right?  Motherfucking classy.

I wanted to put my boot through his shitty fucking face.  But I didn’t get to control that situation.  Since it was a fucking sexual situation, control falls to fucking Charlotte.

Fucking Charlotte.

So fucking needy in her fucking needs that when he drops that gem of a bombshell, she fucking pauses, stares at him a second while internally WE LOSE OUR FUCKING SHIT.

Then she carries on like nothing fucking happened.

Fucking fantastic.

She fucks him not one, but twice after that little gem of information.  She tries to justify it by saying she didn’t try hard (yeah right).  But that’s not even the fucking point.
Then she needles him.  She fucking push, push, pushes the shithead to admit that the cocksucker’s fling of betrayal was shitty.  Great fuckwit.  I don’t fucking care if it was the shittiest lay you ever had.

You’re still a fuckhead.

He spends half the fucking night trying to say how beautiful, how lovely, how gorgeous we are (stupid fucking V told him about the body image issues and most recent laxative use).

It all fell on fucking deaf ears.

All I can fucking hear in here is how awful we must look for him to go out and find someone else to fuck.

Shit.

Now I have to fucking deal with a brand new spiral of self-hate after we just dug ourself out from the last one.

Thank you motherfucking shithead of a fuckwit.  I’m putting up a fucking banner.  We aren’t going fucking back to him.  This is it.  Charlotte filled her fucking void.  She’s done for a couple weeks.

We finally found a fucking doctor who will see us (appointment tomorrow) so we don’t fucking need his medical fucking ability.

The fuckhead can just stay away.  Stay the fuck away.

Don’t need these fucking mind games.  We already create our own shit.

Hoping the fucking doctor tomorrow can help.  And I’ve never fucking hoped on doctors for shit.

Anything to calm them down.  Thinking they’re fat and ugly and unfuckable.  Jesus.
Charlotte fucked the man twice and he certainly had no issues performing.  Ya’ll are fuckable.  Chill the fuck out.  It’s him that’s unfuckable.  I’m sure the low class whore of a bitch he found was like, 400 pounds and had the worse butterface in fucking existence.

I’m with Middi on this front.  If meds can help, I’ll allow them.

Especially with the numb fucking hands being the worse they’ve been in awhile this morning. Can barely put the fucking bra on.

So that’s our fucking weekend.

Hope ya’ll are fucking good.

-Rika

Relationship Amok

I haven’t talked about my “romantic” “love” life in many posts, huh?

Notice the quotations.

That’s a slick way of me saying I have no love or romance going on really.

Mostly cause I’m a fuckup who only pursues fuckups or fucks it up with other fuckups.  Sometimes there’s a non-fuckup involved, but those rarely last.

Monkey bars, sandpit, cliff; anything more straightforward than a conversation.

Most recently, I’ve been talking about (bitching about) Army.  You regular readers are aware of what sort of person he tends to be and how I fluctuate between hopeless romantic and pure Grade A rage.  I’ve been told this is normal in a lot of relationships.

However, I’ve also been told I deserve better when he decides to crawl under a rock for three weeks and not contact or talk to me.

On the other hand, I also do similar things to a lot of friends and most family (all if I could…my mother doesn’t let me).

That cool, soft dirt under that smooth, flat rock is comfy.  It’s like home.  It doesn’t judge me on the amount of food I’ve eaten, the weight I’m at, the mood I’m in, the voices I hear, the voices I don’t, the urges I have, the pain I’m in, etc.

The rock is nice.

So who I am to judge?

Doesn’t stop me of course.

Have vagina; will judge.

Basically I was ready to toss Army to the curb because of some rude things he said to me over a month ago, followed by a long period of absolute silence.

This sounds like a book he’d write (fyi, the ACTUAL book is not about what you think it is).

But then my health went into the shitter again and guess who’s one of the first people to quickly visit me in the hospital?

Now, granted the fact that he’s a paramedic makes him frequently in hospitals in general.  But he made a special trip to the hospital I was at while NOT on shift.  I think that means a bit more.

(It means the fucker enjoys pissing nurses off and blathering medical jargon with the techs while he’s bored.)

And now he’s regularly checking in again.  And talking me down the other night when I was in a dark place.

He wants to go to the dog park this evening.  I agreed.  It isn’t a date.  No big deal.  I have no clue where we are, but I know he’s someone who makes me smile and feel good about myself.

That can’t be a bad person to spend time with, right?

Stood Up – TW

(Trigger warning- dark thoughts and eating disorder talk ahead)

We got stood up tonight….

He literally left right after arranging to meet us for dinner with an excuse of “he forgot he had to work”.

That no good fucking asshole of a fuckwit. Can’t even manage to follow through on simple fucking dinner plans. This is why romance is a no good, rotten fucking idea. Only blows up in our goddamn faces. Why the hell do any of you pathetic idiots bother?

It’s because we’re disgusting and fat. He saw us for the first time in weeks and we are such a whale that he doesn’t want to be near us. I think I’ll try and find a buddy to do the ABC diet with. Maybe that will actually get rid of some of these flab and blubber. I’m just pitiful at doing it on my own. And you others always fight me. You know we’re a cow. That’s why no one wants us. If we had a perfect thigh gap then we’d be good enough.

In which I almost get fired

I had a dream Saturday that I got fired.

Last week we signed these new Federal Personal Information Privacy agreements that basically means that we cannot leave a single client file in our desk drawer any longer.  All files must be returned to the centralized locking cabinet by the end of the business day (or any time I am not present at my desk- i.e. a break).

It’s been frustrating as hell.

Oh, and did I mention that if we don’t adhere, we can get fired?

Back to Saturday night.  I dreamed that I got fired because I left a file in my drawer over the holiday weekend.

When I woke up Sunday, I realized that I had actually left a file in my drawer Wednesday.  Accidentally, of course.  I proceed to freak out- causing Army to try and calm me down and remind me that nothing can be done until Monday morning anyway.
(Sidenote: yes, we spent most of the weekend with Army.  Being that romance is not my area however, I will leave it someone else to update the blog with a post regarding that. It was a pleasant weekend besides the bad dream though.)

This morning rolls around and when Texas calls me on my way to work, asking me to swing by her place after, I joke that it may be earlier than my normal quitting time as I might be getting fired today.  I seem calm but inside I am screaming, crying, hating myself.  It takes a lot of strength between myself and Rika to not let Victoria or Daria take this self-hatred out physically.  But the recent pact with Army is still fresh for most of us (more on that in the future).

When I reach my office, I immediately check my desk drawer.  Perhaps I am incorrect in my memory and I really did properly restore the file to the central cabinet last Wednesday.  I am not a superstitious alter, but I cross my fingers anyway.

A file sits calmly on top; so obvious; so conniving; yelling for a supervisor to find it and terminate me.

I quickly open Microsoft Outlook on my computer and check my email.  No stern emails from my supervisor.  I scan my desk.  No post-its about seeing him.

I do a normal perusal of the department’s calendar and notice my Saving Grace.

“[Supervisor] attending Ohio Housing Conference all day”

I may be starting to lean a little more towards Roms’ theories of there being a “bigger picture” now.

I also quickly create a post-it with garish colors and big blocky letters: “CHECK”.  I tape it above my desk drawers.  I will notice it every day before I leave.

I will not be fired over being a scatterbrain.  I am better than that.

Backslide

And we were doing so fucking well.

They’d even exchanged messages with goddamn Katherine last week- no problem. Talked about mundane nothingness. She didn’t fucking touch us mentally.

Tonight…

Goddamn disaster.  Some idiot decided to fucking talk to her about the indecisive bullshit about Army. Shit went sideways in two ways.

First of all, Katherine’s all fucking weird about hearing it. I guess because of the fucking ex factor or some shit. And then telling her shit about what they consider desirable in a relationship just turned shit all to hell because she decided to drop bombs like “Oh, you mean like us?” or “Like I used to do?”.

Fucking hell.

And so Claire’s doing her schizo act again, talking to an invisible Audrey. Middi and Char are chain smoking (inside the head- the body doesn’t need that shit right now) and Armes is practically fucking catatonic.

This is too fucking far.

Shit needs to change.

Idiosyncrasies

(We were inspired by Carol Anne’s post this evening having to do with “being recognized”.  Things are a bit hectic tonight and some sorting out would be helpful.  Our system always likes talking about being separate, even if we are trying this uniting/getting along thing.  It settles us.)
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There are little behaviors, movements, actions, words, etc. that usually identify a particular person.

With someone who has a system or is a multiple, the alters each tend to have ones to call all their own.

We’re all feeling a bit restless and needed a sort of “freewrite”, so to speak.

I thought listing some well-known idiosyncrasies we use to figure out who has control of the body would be a good way to settle down.

Kit had a similar list handwritten in a safe location when we were at our worse switching and losing time and had to try and attempt to figure out some order.
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Armes
-hums, especially Disney or Glee songs
-colors
-bites her nails
-tends to only whisper
-likes to eat food “in bits”, picking off pieces slowly and taking tiny bites (especially with cookies and pastries)

 

Charlotte
-flips her hair, especially when flirting
-expressive use of her eyes, especially with flirting
-always crosses her legs
-flicks her Zippo lighter case compulsively
-smokes like a true addict- savors the cigarette

 

Claire
-twirls pens and pencils
-tucks her hair behind her ear compulsively, especially when nervous
-won’t make eye contact with a male
-chews on pens and pencils’ ends while writing

 

Daria
-rocks back and forth, especially when nervous
-mutters under her breath and never speaks above a whisper or hiss
-leaves out self-harm implements (most of the self-harmers clean up after themselves)
-repeats words and phrases over and over

 

Kit
-eats pickles in a very slow and particular way, almost like an ear of corn
-likes to relax lying on her stomach, legs kicking in the air
-will compulsively play with jewelry the body has on
-likes to drive with all the windows down
-will leave the TV running when drifting off to sleep (especially during storms)

 

Midori
-sings when she thinks no one’s listening (especially while baking)
-foot jiggles when reading a “good part” in a book
-ability to block out practically any distractions when reading, baking, composing, or gaming
-smokes in a sort of distracted way, as if it’s only a placeholder for another habit
-will take painkillers compulsively if she can gain access to them

Rika
-leaves the radio in the car really loud
-smokes cigarettes like a chimney, not pausing at all
-drives a bit recklessly
-If someone on the road does something to piss her off, will talk to drivers in an angry patronizing way as if they can hear her
-cusses every other word

 

Roms
-prefers cats (with the exception of Zoe)
-enjoys water in any form, will try to swim or take long showers when out
-goes out of her way to check on any nearby children
-takes her time to examine art objects or photographs (like in a new place)

Serefina
-pulls hair into bun
-reads non-fiction books, especially relating to law
-speaks in a highly professional tone with a lot of large words
-doodles in margins of papers she takes notes on (she doesn’t like admitting this)

Victoria
-braids the body’s hair
-refuses to eat
-has long beauty regimes (face masks, body lotion, sloughing cream, etc.)
-tries to have a self-harming item in one hand, even if not actively using
-only alter who does burning self-harm

Risks of romance

Things are taking a strange turn with Army. Technically good, but that has half of the system trying to backpedal as quickly as they can.

There is something about being being treated sweetly and wooed that always has red flags raising in this head of mine.

First Army goes to Horrorama with me and is absolutely wonderful. I spend the night at his place after and it feels way too good to be held by him again.
Red Flag #1

Then he invites me to dinner on Halloween, but his job sending him on an extra call causes him to stand me up. I am upset. He spends hours texting me all sorts of sweet and apologetic things until I can’t even manage mild annoyance.
Red Flag #2

This past weekend I had a bit of a rotten time and though he’s technically on shift, he again spends hours texting supportive and endearing messages.
Red Flag #3

Tonight he takes me out to a movie and afterwards we fool around a bit in his car. During the whole “heat of the moment” timespan, he says some surprisingly deep and romantic things about missing me, needing me, wishing we still lived together, and being thankful that I gave him a “second chance”.
Red Flag #4

I go with it during- mostly because Charlotte is fronting and she’s eating it up. But Daria, Rika, and Victoria are all getting on edge together.
Sidenote: I never noticed the “anti-romance” alters’ names all end in “a”. Interesting.

Anyway, when we part ways, there is some serious talking in the peanut gallery/system during my whole drive home.

Victoria just finished texting him confirming that he meant what he said in his car. He’s adamant he feels that way and hinted about things changing and that we “need to talk in person”.

And now my head is a twister.

Uniballer taught us long ago that wooing and sudden sweet talk only leads to manipulation and heartbreak.

But Army’s never been the manipulating type. But he usually so emotionally stunted that we can barely deal. That is not “deep relationship” material. But maybe he’s seeing things differently.
We’ve had friends and Mom tell us that Army and I moving into separate places has made him realize he misses me when he took me for granted before.

But why? We don’t deserve to be missed or needed. And we certainly didn’t deserve the second chance that was ours, not his, as he seems to think.

Our insides are so broken, crazy-glued, and delicate that how is it possible to consider entrusting another person with even a part of that again?

It was mere weeks ago that we were reminded of the lesson of lies men feed us to try and gain trust. A lesson we should be well versed in.

So why is my heart jumping and clenching at the idea? Is that excitement or abject terror?

Have I Ever….?

(Apologizes for the mess of posts today.  Thoughts are needing organizing.)

Okay, so someone on Facebook had this and it perked my interest.  Obviously I’m suuuuuuuper bored.

I thought it would be fun to do this as more of a multiple-themed thing.  So instead of “yes/no”, I’m going to put the name of which alter(s) have done the following:
*Note: the name will be put assuming we know who did it
*Note 2: some of these questions may be triggering to some.  The answers shouldn’t, as we aren’t planning to elaborate on our experience.
*Note 3: This is probably only remotely interesting to ourselves.  That’s fair.

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100 Things

1. Had sex?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

2. Bought Condoms?
Charlotte

3. Gotten Pregnant?
Charlotte, technically (all of us were pregnant though, obviously)

4. Failed A Class?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori (Serefina refuses responsibility)

5. Kissed A Boy?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Serefina

6. Kissed A Girl?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

7. Used A Little Paper Bag for Lunch?
Armes, Claire, Rika, Roms, Serefina

8. Had A Job?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

9. Slipped On Ice?
Armes, Roms

10. Missed The School Bus?
Armes, Roms

11. Had sex with a girl?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

12. Bullied Someone On The Internet?
Rika, perhaps. But it would have been in retaliation to something most likely

13. Sexted?
Charlotte, Kit

14. Had Sex In Public?
Charlotte

15. Played On A Sports Team?
Mute, Rika, Serefina

16. Smoked Weed?
Charlotte (once)

17. Smoked Cigarettes?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina

18. Smoked A Cigar?
Charlotte, Serefina

19. Drank Alcohol?
Charlotte, Daria, Kit, Midori, Serefina, Victoria

20. Watched porn?
Charlotte

21. Skipped class?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika

22. Gotten Arrested?
No one (astounding probably…)

23. Done meth?
No one

24. Been To A Wedding?
Armes, Claire, Kit, Roms

25. Fell in love with a best friend?
Claire, Kit, Roms  (Charlotte refuses to acknowledge ever “falling in love”)

26. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?
Claire, Midori, Serefina

27. Watched TV For 5 Hours Straight?
Armes, Kit, Midori, Rika

28. Been Late For Work?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

29. Been Late For School?
Probably everyone at some point

30. Kissed In The Rain?
Charlotte and Roms (only ones not afraid of storms who will kiss someone)

31. Showered With Someone Else?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, RIka, Roms, Serefina

32. Failed My Drivers Test?
Kit (Rika took the 2nd attempt and passed with flying colors)

33. Cheated on a ex?
No one

34. Been Outside My Home Country?
All of us.

35. Been On A Road Trip Longer Than 5 Hours?
Daria, Kit, Midori, Mute, Rika, Serefina, Victoria

36. Had Lice?
Unknown- someone in 2nd or 3rd grade

37. Gotten My Heart Broken?
…all of us  (except Rika -eyeroll-)

38. Had A Credit Card?
Technically all of us, but only Charlotte, Kit, Midori, and Rika really go shopping

39. Been To A Professional Sports Game?
Mute, Midori, Rika (it’s always been with Daddy…)

40. Broken A Bone?
All of us

41. Am I BI/Gay/Lesbian?
Hm…Audrey, Claire, Kit, Midori, Roms, and Serefina admit to it.  Technically we’ve all been in a relationship with a woman, but the other deny being “normally” attracted to women

42. Won A Trophy?
Claire, Midori, Rika

43. Cut Myself?
Audrey, Daria, Midori, Victoria

44. Had An STD?
No one

45. Got Engaged?
Not legally- Ohio doesn’t accept same-sex marriage- but technically Katherine and I were engaged

46. Done ecstasy?
No one

47. Tried Out To Be On A TV Show?
No one

48. Rode In A Taxi?
All of us (from Chicago…obviously. Lol.)

49. Been To Prom?
Audrey, Kit

50. Played A Drinking Game?
Charlotte, Midori, Serefina

51. Stayed Up For 24 Hours Or More?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina, Victoria

52. Been To A Concert?
Midori

53. Had A Three-Some?
No one

54. Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex?
Audrey, Kit, Midori, Serefina

55. Been In A Car Accident?
All of us

56. Had Braces?
All of us

57. Learned Another Language?
Claire, Midori, Mute, Rika, Serefina

58. Killed An Animal?
No. Never. No one. Ever ever.

59. Been At A Yard Sale?
A variety of us

60. Been To A Japanese Steakhouse?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

61. Wore Make Up?
Charlotte, Claire, Kit

62. Talked To Someone Via Webcam?
All of us

63. Lost My Virginity Before I Was 16?
….

64. Had My Wisdom Teeth Taken Out?
All of us

65. Kissed Someone A Different Race Than Myself?
Charlotte

66. Snuck Out Of The House?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina

67. Bought Porn?
Charlotte

68. Had A Virus On My Computer?
All of us

69. Had Oral Sex?
Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Serefina

70. Dyed My Hair?
All of us

71. Gone Skinny Dipping?
Charlotte, Kit

72. Graduated From College?
No one (technically our degree is a couple credits short)

73. Wore Someone Else’s Clothes?
A variety of us (mostly Germany’s or Texas’s)

74. Voted In A Presidential Election?
Midori, Serefina

75. Rode In An Ambulance?
Unknown- too triggery

76. Rode In A Helicopter?
No one

77. Caught The Stove On Fire?
Charlotte (haha, taught her to leave the cooking to Middi and Roms)

78. Got In A Verbal Fight?
Charlotte, Kit, Rika

79. Met Someone Famous?
No one

80. Been On Vacation?
All of us

82. Been On A Boat?
All of us

81. Been On An Airplane?
All of us

83. Broken Something Expensive?
Unknown….there’s…something about this question, but I can’t quite remember

84. Had Surgery?
Does wisdom teeth removal count? That’s the only surgery we’ve ever had.

85. Been In Love?
Ah…yes.

86. Beat A Video Game?
Kit, Midori, Rika

87. Found Something Valuable On The Ground?
I don’t think so…

88. Made A Survey?
No one

89. Stalked Someone On A Social Network?
No one

90. Prank Called Someone?
Kit, Rika

92. Spent Over $100 Shopping In One Day?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori

91. Been To A Library Outside Of School?
Armes, Midori

93. Cut My Hair And Hated It?
Charlotte, Kit, Victoria

94. Peed Outside?
Roms (she’s the only one who likes camping/canoeing)

95. Went Fishing?
No one

96. Helped With Charity?
All of us

97. Taken A Pregnancy Test?
Audrey

98. Been Rejected By A Crush?
All of us

99. Been Suspended From School?
No one

100. Broken a mirror?
No one (we’re a superstitious bunch)

Self-sabotage and wishing

I know it’s bad when I can’t shoot vodka or rum. Just the attempts almost had me vomiting.

They want me to feel this heartbreak.  Won’t even let me drown these worthless emotions.

Thankfully, Victoria helped me manage Vicodin and T4. I won’t say how much. I don’t think it will kill me, but I sort of hope it does. I don’t think so though. Middi and Rika have too much control and they know exactly how much is too much.

Why can’t I deal with pain and heartbreak normally?
Why can’t I even deal with confrontation verbally?
I don’t remember most of this afternoon.
Mute “recorded” some of it internally for me, as Mute does when it’s out, but there are others who were out that won’t share.
One must have been Victoria or Daria, as I vomited a few times.
One was definitely Char or Middi- my clothes reek of cigarettes.

Claire actually screamed/yelled at Charlotte. She showed true anger.  That never happens. And Charlotte took it. Didn’t fight back at all.  But she’s also my main ally in taking these pills, so I know she isn’t guilt free. Claire refuses to talk to anyone now. Even Roms.
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Things are over with Jeff. Completely. Obviously it’s my fault. Completely. I sabotaged it. Like I do with all my relationships. I don’t know if I’ll even have any friends left in a couple days….

______________________________________________________________

Well that would be because the fuckhead can’t keep his goddamn mouth shut. You just fucking vent anonymously on a blog, but he decides to fucking vent to people who already love to fucking judge us and shit-talk us at the drop of a hat.
But we don’t fucking need friends. This is what happens when you fucking expose your fucking weaknesses like that.  Fucking men aren’t trustworthy. Take a goddamn leaf out of Charlotte’s book and just use them for sex. At least she doesn’t reveal deep fucking personal system secrets. Or get fucking attached. You fucking romantic drama fucking queens. All of you.
______________________________________________________________

I don’t know where to go from here.

I wish the one-night stand situation with James, The Stranger, had gone further south.

I wish he had killed us.

Practically Friendless

Hello.

It’s been a while.

A long while.

Things went…completely to shit for the past couple weeks. I don’t remember most of it, as the switching was ridiculous.

It pretty much started with my ex, Katherine, contacting me out of the blue.  Really for no reason.  I don’t know why I answer the phone.

Ok, I don’t answer the phone. Obviously. I have no idea who did, honestly.  There were a couple who talked to her throughout the conversation.  But most of us don’t have any interest in remaining acquainted with her.  Except for that alter who answer the phone- when the rest of us wanted to throw it against the wall.
And all it did was send us into a tailspin and what she said make me turn into my normal ostrich coward-self.

I had another mini-hibernation session, so to speak.

After the crippling conversations and texts from Katherine, Charlotte decided to run amok.
It was a disaster.  None of us never really been a person who thinks about carrying weapons around, but last weekend, we all had a desire to start carrying a gun (at least in the car).  Charlotte made a stupid, stupid decision that could have cost us our very livelihood.

We still have bruises. Though to be fair, she started that part.

If it hadn’t been for a firm direction on Shadow Dragon’s part, we would have let him pick us up and drive us all the way to Buttfuck, Nowhere, over an hour from our house.

And been stuck.

Thank god we drove.
The drink we were given…we are suspicious of something possibly being in it.  It was a simple bottle or two of hard cider we drank, but even Rika couldn’t shake the cobwebs enough to drive home until the morning.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

This is only now coming completely to light.  I wasn’t even completely aware of it until Saturday.

Saturday, when all the walls came down and all us alters decided to just be honest and work together for one simple day so we didn’t end up downing a bottle or two of narcotics.

October 6th, one year ago, we miscarried.  And it was the worse day of our life.

It’s been a huge chunk of what’s caused all this triggery switching and stupid destructive behavior.  Sabotaging relationships.  It’s what we do best.

We don’t deserve to be even liked.

And so, despite most of my friendships being currently down the toilet, I can’t really be mad at Midori or Claire for talking to Katherine.
I can’t be mad at Charlotte for acting like a self-destructive slut.  After all, it’s coping mechanisms that were creating years and years ago because they had a semblance of success.  They need to unlearn years of knee-jerk responses to our psyche swirling the drain.

Or maybe not.  Maybe it’s best if we just stay “that sort of girl”.

Our friends are better off anyway.