Attempting Focus

I am scared to leave the bedroom.

I have hidden the car keys.

Slipping back into the compulsive habits of checking my hair and skin every time it feels like more than a minute has passed. (has it?)
Checking all online media and the cell phone for unknown communications. Checking the usual hiding places for blades or pills.

Habits left over from a girl who learned to survive. The others I’m sure wouldn’t call me that. I’m the part usually overlooked. Much dismissed.

I bring the clocks out and set them around the bedroom. Make sure the batteries are fresh. I can accept the lost time, but I at least want to account for it.

A good six hours gone today. Sucked into the curling smoke of nothing. In fractions and fragments. Nothing seems to be more than 30 minutes. Here and there.

I keep checking to make sure items stay in their hiding places. I keep checking the skin and taking blood pressure. So far no more than bruises and scratches. That I can handle. And the blood pressure is not ideal, but it is not hospital-level. I am determined.

Though I have just as much of a desire to stay far away from doctors while we are like this, I have no desire to put us in direct harm. I am not a suicidal part.

I remain as vigilant as I can for those that are.

-Roms

In which I almost get fired

I had a dream Saturday that I got fired.

Last week we signed these new Federal Personal Information Privacy agreements that basically means that we cannot leave a single client file in our desk drawer any longer.  All files must be returned to the centralized locking cabinet by the end of the business day (or any time I am not present at my desk- i.e. a break).

It’s been frustrating as hell.

Oh, and did I mention that if we don’t adhere, we can get fired?

Back to Saturday night.  I dreamed that I got fired because I left a file in my drawer over the holiday weekend.

When I woke up Sunday, I realized that I had actually left a file in my drawer Wednesday.  Accidentally, of course.  I proceed to freak out- causing Army to try and calm me down and remind me that nothing can be done until Monday morning anyway.
(Sidenote: yes, we spent most of the weekend with Army.  Being that romance is not my area however, I will leave it someone else to update the blog with a post regarding that. It was a pleasant weekend besides the bad dream though.)

This morning rolls around and when Texas calls me on my way to work, asking me to swing by her place after, I joke that it may be earlier than my normal quitting time as I might be getting fired today.  I seem calm but inside I am screaming, crying, hating myself.  It takes a lot of strength between myself and Rika to not let Victoria or Daria take this self-hatred out physically.  But the recent pact with Army is still fresh for most of us (more on that in the future).

When I reach my office, I immediately check my desk drawer.  Perhaps I am incorrect in my memory and I really did properly restore the file to the central cabinet last Wednesday.  I am not a superstitious alter, but I cross my fingers anyway.

A file sits calmly on top; so obvious; so conniving; yelling for a supervisor to find it and terminate me.

I quickly open Microsoft Outlook on my computer and check my email.  No stern emails from my supervisor.  I scan my desk.  No post-its about seeing him.

I do a normal perusal of the department’s calendar and notice my Saving Grace.

“[Supervisor] attending Ohio Housing Conference all day”

I may be starting to lean a little more towards Roms’ theories of there being a “bigger picture” now.

I also quickly create a post-it with garish colors and big blocky letters: “CHECK”.  I tape it above my desk drawers.  I will notice it every day before I leave.

I will not be fired over being a scatterbrain.  I am better than that.

Idiosyncrasies

(We were inspired by Carol Anne’s post this evening having to do with “being recognized”.  Things are a bit hectic tonight and some sorting out would be helpful.  Our system always likes talking about being separate, even if we are trying this uniting/getting along thing.  It settles us.)
___________________________________________________________

There are little behaviors, movements, actions, words, etc. that usually identify a particular person.

With someone who has a system or is a multiple, the alters each tend to have ones to call all their own.

We’re all feeling a bit restless and needed a sort of “freewrite”, so to speak.

I thought listing some well-known idiosyncrasies we use to figure out who has control of the body would be a good way to settle down.

Kit had a similar list handwritten in a safe location when we were at our worse switching and losing time and had to try and attempt to figure out some order.
_____________________________________________________________

Armes
-hums, especially Disney or Glee songs
-colors
-bites her nails
-tends to only whisper
-likes to eat food “in bits”, picking off pieces slowly and taking tiny bites (especially with cookies and pastries)

 

Charlotte
-flips her hair, especially when flirting
-expressive use of her eyes, especially with flirting
-always crosses her legs
-flicks her Zippo lighter case compulsively
-smokes like a true addict- savors the cigarette

 

Claire
-twirls pens and pencils
-tucks her hair behind her ear compulsively, especially when nervous
-won’t make eye contact with a male
-chews on pens and pencils’ ends while writing

 

Daria
-rocks back and forth, especially when nervous
-mutters under her breath and never speaks above a whisper or hiss
-leaves out self-harm implements (most of the self-harmers clean up after themselves)
-repeats words and phrases over and over

 

Kit
-eats pickles in a very slow and particular way, almost like an ear of corn
-likes to relax lying on her stomach, legs kicking in the air
-will compulsively play with jewelry the body has on
-likes to drive with all the windows down
-will leave the TV running when drifting off to sleep (especially during storms)

 

Midori
-sings when she thinks no one’s listening (especially while baking)
-foot jiggles when reading a “good part” in a book
-ability to block out practically any distractions when reading, baking, composing, or gaming
-smokes in a sort of distracted way, as if it’s only a placeholder for another habit
-will take painkillers compulsively if she can gain access to them

Rika
-leaves the radio in the car really loud
-smokes cigarettes like a chimney, not pausing at all
-drives a bit recklessly
-If someone on the road does something to piss her off, will talk to drivers in an angry patronizing way as if they can hear her
-cusses every other word

 

Roms
-prefers cats (with the exception of Zoe)
-enjoys water in any form, will try to swim or take long showers when out
-goes out of her way to check on any nearby children
-takes her time to examine art objects or photographs (like in a new place)

Serefina
-pulls hair into bun
-reads non-fiction books, especially relating to law
-speaks in a highly professional tone with a lot of large words
-doodles in margins of papers she takes notes on (she doesn’t like admitting this)

Victoria
-braids the body’s hair
-refuses to eat
-has long beauty regimes (face masks, body lotion, sloughing cream, etc.)
-tries to have a self-harming item in one hand, even if not actively using
-only alter who does burning self-harm

Tattoos

I got the new tattoo!

And I got my previous one touched up- the outline fixed and the butterfly color’s changed a bit.

It was, honestly, one of the most painful experiences of my life.  I learned the wrist is an extremely painful place for me when it comes to tattoos apparently.  I’m hoping it isn’t going to need touched up because I’m not sure I can go through that again.
____________________________________________________________________

It’s caused a bit of turmoil in the system, which surprises me.
The fox/butterfly tattoo didn’t cause any turmoil at all- if anything, it sort of brought us more together.

But there’s something about this new one that’s causing issues.
It was made clear when we figured out the design that the treble clef is for our love of music in general, not just Midori’s piano playing.  And the rune Algiz is not just a religious related symbol for Roms.  We’ve purposefully designed both our tattoos to have multiple meanings because we are a multiple system.

I am sad that we seem to have failed on this account- especially since I was so involved in figuring out the design and location.

Here are some pictures for you though.  Keep in mind they were taken with a crummy phone camera before they’ve healed.  Once they are good and healed, I’ll take some better ones.

The new one- a combination of a treble clef and the rune Algiz

 

The previous one after being touched-up.

 

Have I Ever….?

(Apologizes for the mess of posts today.  Thoughts are needing organizing.)

Okay, so someone on Facebook had this and it perked my interest.  Obviously I’m suuuuuuuper bored.

I thought it would be fun to do this as more of a multiple-themed thing.  So instead of “yes/no”, I’m going to put the name of which alter(s) have done the following:
*Note: the name will be put assuming we know who did it
*Note 2: some of these questions may be triggering to some.  The answers shouldn’t, as we aren’t planning to elaborate on our experience.
*Note 3: This is probably only remotely interesting to ourselves.  That’s fair.

_____________________________________________________________________________

100 Things

1. Had sex?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

2. Bought Condoms?
Charlotte

3. Gotten Pregnant?
Charlotte, technically (all of us were pregnant though, obviously)

4. Failed A Class?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori (Serefina refuses responsibility)

5. Kissed A Boy?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Serefina

6. Kissed A Girl?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

7. Used A Little Paper Bag for Lunch?
Armes, Claire, Rika, Roms, Serefina

8. Had A Job?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

9. Slipped On Ice?
Armes, Roms

10. Missed The School Bus?
Armes, Roms

11. Had sex with a girl?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

12. Bullied Someone On The Internet?
Rika, perhaps. But it would have been in retaliation to something most likely

13. Sexted?
Charlotte, Kit

14. Had Sex In Public?
Charlotte

15. Played On A Sports Team?
Mute, Rika, Serefina

16. Smoked Weed?
Charlotte (once)

17. Smoked Cigarettes?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina

18. Smoked A Cigar?
Charlotte, Serefina

19. Drank Alcohol?
Charlotte, Daria, Kit, Midori, Serefina, Victoria

20. Watched porn?
Charlotte

21. Skipped class?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika

22. Gotten Arrested?
No one (astounding probably…)

23. Done meth?
No one

24. Been To A Wedding?
Armes, Claire, Kit, Roms

25. Fell in love with a best friend?
Claire, Kit, Roms  (Charlotte refuses to acknowledge ever “falling in love”)

26. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?
Claire, Midori, Serefina

27. Watched TV For 5 Hours Straight?
Armes, Kit, Midori, Rika

28. Been Late For Work?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

29. Been Late For School?
Probably everyone at some point

30. Kissed In The Rain?
Charlotte and Roms (only ones not afraid of storms who will kiss someone)

31. Showered With Someone Else?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, RIka, Roms, Serefina

32. Failed My Drivers Test?
Kit (Rika took the 2nd attempt and passed with flying colors)

33. Cheated on a ex?
No one

34. Been Outside My Home Country?
All of us.

35. Been On A Road Trip Longer Than 5 Hours?
Daria, Kit, Midori, Mute, Rika, Serefina, Victoria

36. Had Lice?
Unknown- someone in 2nd or 3rd grade

37. Gotten My Heart Broken?
…all of us  (except Rika -eyeroll-)

38. Had A Credit Card?
Technically all of us, but only Charlotte, Kit, Midori, and Rika really go shopping

39. Been To A Professional Sports Game?
Mute, Midori, Rika (it’s always been with Daddy…)

40. Broken A Bone?
All of us

41. Am I BI/Gay/Lesbian?
Hm…Audrey, Claire, Kit, Midori, Roms, and Serefina admit to it.  Technically we’ve all been in a relationship with a woman, but the other deny being “normally” attracted to women

42. Won A Trophy?
Claire, Midori, Rika

43. Cut Myself?
Audrey, Daria, Midori, Victoria

44. Had An STD?
No one

45. Got Engaged?
Not legally- Ohio doesn’t accept same-sex marriage- but technically Katherine and I were engaged

46. Done ecstasy?
No one

47. Tried Out To Be On A TV Show?
No one

48. Rode In A Taxi?
All of us (from Chicago…obviously. Lol.)

49. Been To Prom?
Audrey, Kit

50. Played A Drinking Game?
Charlotte, Midori, Serefina

51. Stayed Up For 24 Hours Or More?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina, Victoria

52. Been To A Concert?
Midori

53. Had A Three-Some?
No one

54. Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex?
Audrey, Kit, Midori, Serefina

55. Been In A Car Accident?
All of us

56. Had Braces?
All of us

57. Learned Another Language?
Claire, Midori, Mute, Rika, Serefina

58. Killed An Animal?
No. Never. No one. Ever ever.

59. Been At A Yard Sale?
A variety of us

60. Been To A Japanese Steakhouse?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

61. Wore Make Up?
Charlotte, Claire, Kit

62. Talked To Someone Via Webcam?
All of us

63. Lost My Virginity Before I Was 16?
….

64. Had My Wisdom Teeth Taken Out?
All of us

65. Kissed Someone A Different Race Than Myself?
Charlotte

66. Snuck Out Of The House?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina

67. Bought Porn?
Charlotte

68. Had A Virus On My Computer?
All of us

69. Had Oral Sex?
Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Serefina

70. Dyed My Hair?
All of us

71. Gone Skinny Dipping?
Charlotte, Kit

72. Graduated From College?
No one (technically our degree is a couple credits short)

73. Wore Someone Else’s Clothes?
A variety of us (mostly Germany’s or Texas’s)

74. Voted In A Presidential Election?
Midori, Serefina

75. Rode In An Ambulance?
Unknown- too triggery

76. Rode In A Helicopter?
No one

77. Caught The Stove On Fire?
Charlotte (haha, taught her to leave the cooking to Middi and Roms)

78. Got In A Verbal Fight?
Charlotte, Kit, Rika

79. Met Someone Famous?
No one

80. Been On Vacation?
All of us

82. Been On A Boat?
All of us

81. Been On An Airplane?
All of us

83. Broken Something Expensive?
Unknown….there’s…something about this question, but I can’t quite remember

84. Had Surgery?
Does wisdom teeth removal count? That’s the only surgery we’ve ever had.

85. Been In Love?
Ah…yes.

86. Beat A Video Game?
Kit, Midori, Rika

87. Found Something Valuable On The Ground?
I don’t think so…

88. Made A Survey?
No one

89. Stalked Someone On A Social Network?
No one

90. Prank Called Someone?
Kit, Rika

92. Spent Over $100 Shopping In One Day?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori

91. Been To A Library Outside Of School?
Armes, Midori

93. Cut My Hair And Hated It?
Charlotte, Kit, Victoria

94. Peed Outside?
Roms (she’s the only one who likes camping/canoeing)

95. Went Fishing?
No one

96. Helped With Charity?
All of us

97. Taken A Pregnancy Test?
Audrey

98. Been Rejected By A Crush?
All of us

99. Been Suspended From School?
No one

100. Broken a mirror?
No one (we’re a superstitious bunch)

Support for Claire

Claire is very upset and depressed from Monday.

Let me backtrack:

We had a couple friends over to Daddy’s house to talk about a party we’re hosting this weekend.  Most of what went on isn’t important, especially to this entry, but there was a point where one of the friends, who was a close friend of (almost exclusively) Claire’s in late middle school/early high school started talking about the stories Claire wrote back then.

And she was mean about them. I mean, nasty. I usually try not to speak ill of people, especially friends, but…it’s hard not to in this case.  Plus, it especially wounded Claire.  She knows they were middle school writings, obviously not something that would be published and read by adults.  But it was something she was proud of in middle school. It was her outlet. And she didn’t show her stories to anyone until this girl.

Rika was trying to get out and bitch out the friend, but it wasn’t the appropriate place.  I ended up having to take over for Claire, who went off into a mental-corner and hasn’t really come out.

Writing means a lot to her.  She doesn’t care about being published, or being a best seller, or anything like that.  But she does value it and only shares it with those she deems trustworthy.

(or in the case of this blog, anonymously)

I’m not really sure how to handle this.

Armes thought perhaps I could write an entry on the blog and get some support here.  Claire values all of our followers so much.

Maybe it’s a silly idea.

Tribute to Charlotte

Armes requested that we all do a sort of tribute to Charlotte to try and help her.  Some of us don’t feel like saying much, still a bit too shocked and wounded by the whole situation, but we’ll do our best.
______________________________________________________________________________________________

Armes
i like how she always take over the body if someone or something scared me. she doesn’t always get along with the others, but she’s always nice to me.
i don’t like how her dreams are bad sometimes. she dreams about people doing hurting things and taking her clothes off, but in the dream she liked it. she refuses to tell me about it and always says she’s sorry her dreams upset me.
she watches disney movies with me too, though she doesn’t like other people to know that. she said she didn’t want anyone to think she had a “romantick side”.
she sneakes me strawberry ice cream or milkshakes if she’s out.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Rika
I hate how she fucking flirts with almost anyone who has a penis.  I hate that she usually manages to make that work for her.  I hate that she almost never listens to my advice on whether people are trustworthy.
I like that she did listen with Stalker, even though she flirted with him past the point she should have for our safety. She was really regretful about that though. I like that she handles any sexual encounters that upset the others, even if it isn’t the “type” of sex she’s “into”.  She still understands her job, unlike most.
I hate her cravings that work their way into the system and body.
I like that she takes care of it herself most of the time.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Midori
I love how she’ll usually split her cigs with me, even if they are sometimes those disgusting Parliaments. I love how she praises my baking to high heaven, even if she pretends to bitch about the calories making it “harder to flirt”.
I hate how she rips on my music, but then I catch her humming the tunes sometimes.
I hate how she twisted the BDSM lessons we learned from our exes into something pleasurable for her. I like how she doesn’t let anyone else drag us into sex games anymore. I love how she’ll talk to people at a doctor’s office when I can’t contain my fear enough.  I hate how we both can’t handle hospitals.
I love that she’ll look the other way when I swallow a couple extra pills and help me slip some baking supplies into the cart during the next shopping trip.
I hate what Daria did to her.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Roms
I like that she knew better than to smoke around family (besides Grey).   I hate how she jokes that Claire and I are “practically the same”. I love that she can always tell us apart, even with her eyes closed.
I love that she’s sweet with Armes.  I love when she lets us all share snuggles with Zoe, even if it’s her rightful time out.
I hate that she doesn’t realize she’s stronger than this.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Claire
I hate that she thinks she isn’t worth anything unless a man wants her.  I hate that she loves it even more when it’s more than one man. I hate it so much that she decided it was better to shove away someone who was so good for us because of rumors of another man’s sexual prowess.
I love that she made herself not do that this year. She said it was just for me, but I know she really was realizing her deep-down morals. I love that she let herself feel attraction, even without sex for weeks.  I hate that I felt a little jealous of Saturday night, even though it was my own stupid fear that made her take over. I love that she didn’t turn in into some kind of depraved type of sex…
I love and hate that she mourned so much for Audrey and the loss of the pregnancy, even though she refused to be around “the grossly pregnant body”.
I hate that she tried to be some sort of stupid hero last night and I hate that it made her so scared.  I hate that it scares me so much to see her so scared.  She’s always been mostly fearless, like Rika.
Please don’t be like Audrey. You’re so much stronger than her. We need you so much.

Dreams Again

(Trigger warning: some of these dreams are…R-rated, so to speak. Not X, just R. Read safely please.)

Last night’s were a weird mix of not-quite-memories and just fears we’ve been having…but again, in the quick slideshow-type way that we rarely get.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

A gray truck hovers behind us as we drive around our old neighborhood.  We can’t quite make out the driver, but we know he is male and smoking as plumes of smoke ooze from his open window.  Though we know these streets better than our own mind, no matter how fast we turn and double-back and flip around, we can’t lose him.

_________

The red-yellow of a desert surrounds us and as we spin around taking in the beauty of it. A cough escapes us and we suddenly realize we are incredibly parched.  Automatically we glance behind us and see a campsite.  Heading over, there is a figure hunched over a smothered bonfire.  He’s holding a large canteen of water.  He turns as we approach and starts to offer it.  We reach, our hand just about to connect before he flips it over and pours out the contents onto the dry earth.  It is absorbed into the thirsty ground in an instant.
“Sorry cupcake, all out.” His voice says and we realize it’s the voice of someone who’s smack in the middle of puberty, not quite a man. Glancing up to his face, it’s those hazel eyes and the floppy blond-brown hair and we fall back onto the ground, our tailbone smarting from impact.  We start to skitter back and he chuckles.
“Wanna play hide and seek?”

_________

We are determined to prove to them can we can bake drunk.
Midori smirks at the three skeptical faces. “I can bake the hell outta cookies drunk.” She states firmly, then heads into the kitchen. It’s a good thing it’s Daddy’s kitchen and she’s able to automatically reach for ingredients in a place she’s been familiar with since early teen years.
He follows us in, just as drunk, if not drunker. Midori is only half-listening to his rambled thoughts, even as Claire tries to listen harder, recognizing the deep importance of them.  Midori shoves Claire away roughly so she can mix the dough. She easily molds it into balls and puts them on a sheet before popping them into the oven.  She starts to wash her hands when she feels him draw closer.  The intimacy and heat of it has Charlotte out in a moment, grinning and tilting her head down and to the side in submission. Her stomach coils with that tight heat in happy expectation of what will come next.

_________

A red silk tie dangles in front of our eyes, swishing back and forth a couple times.
“You know the rules.” Our Master says firmly. Charlotte steps eagerly forward and immediately kneels on the bed, head bowed and wrists presented forward.
“Yessir.” she says softly.  Despite the body of our Master being female and being referred to as such in the public world, Charlotte knows better than to allude to this.  It is a firm rule in the bedroom.  The tie quickly binds our wrists before being securely tied to the top post of the bed frame. Charlotte twists in ecstasy.  Suddenly our Master frowns in recognition.
“I did not request your presence.” The voice says darkly. Charlotte freezes, her face turning petulant.
“But Sir…”
“No Charlotte.”  The tone leaves no room for argument. Charlotte sighs and mentally steps back. Our face is blank for a moment before it turns fearful. Our Master smiles. “There we go. Hello Clarissa. Turn on your side now.”
“Yes…sir.” She whispers.

_________

We stand at the base of a statue of Mary and try not to think of the irony as we turn to face Becca.  She smiles slightly.
“You can tell me anything. You know that.”
Kit trembles, but forces a smile, “How do you know I wanted to talk and not just hike?”
“Come on. We only come here when you need to vent. Badly. What’s up? Fuck-buddy thing not working out anymore? Wouldn’t surprise me. Army’s a complete asshole. I told you not to.”
“I can’t do…real relationships anymore.” Kit murmurs, a hand reaching into the front pocket of her jeans and pulling out the Zippo etched with a butterfly. The hand flicks the top on and off compulsively.
“Bullshit.” Becca says with an eyeroll, “I still say you should have given Je-”
“Stop. Shut up. That’s not what this is about.” Her trembling is worse now and Becca finally notices. Her eyes soften.
“What is it?”
“My period is super late.” Kit says bluntly. Becca blinks. “You know I’m like clockwork.”
“It’s probably stress.” She replies smoothly. Kit winces.
“I already took a test.”
“And?” Becca asks. Kit lets out an annoyed hiss of breath, Rika merging with her for a split-second.
“Would I have you out here if it were fucking negative?”
“Jesus. Who the fuck have you told?” Becca says, sinking onto a bench by the statue. We remain standing, the nervous flicking of the Zippo speeding up.
“You. And Grey. That’s it.”
“So…not Army?” She states. Kit trembles again, but this time she can’t sustain. She flees. Rika sighs and sits down on a bench across from Becca.
“Fuck no. I’m not a goddamn idiot.” Becca stares. “Well. I mean, I guess I have to eventually or some shit. But…maybe I don’t. I could totally not fucking tell him.”
“That’s a terrible idea.” Becca murmurs. “He’s an asshole, but that’s not fair to him at all.”
“I could go to Germany with you.” Claire says, her eyes wild. “Just…sell everything, sell Pete [our car] and have enough for a plane ticket.”
“Run away, huh? That’s your answer for everything. I’d love to have you come with me, but I love you and you’re not allowed if it’s only to run away.”

_________

It’s Audrey who first notices the blood.  She freezes and suddenly pushes Army away firmly.  He blinks in surprise before he glances down and sees it.  Audrey faintly wonders who’s idea was it to own a freakin’ white couch.  Her face drains of color to match it and she trembles.  Her place of blame is immediate, and probably unfair, but at this moment she only thinks of his distance (especially when she cries), his constant demand for intimacy. She doesn’t think of how he makes sure there is always strawberry ice cream for her constant cravings or ginger ale for her morning sickness. Or how gentle he is when she gives in to his advances.
He will never touch her again.
Within a week, Audrey is gone, never to resurface. Charlotte doesn’t mind taking over the physical demands. She quickly introduces him to her darker tastes and he embraces them easily.

_________

Roms decides to go to this Pagan circle meeting for a second time.  The first was a fluke- the meet-up was near work and we wanted an excuse to not have to go home immediately.  But we could go for the apple cider the coffee shop carries.  Texas agrees to join us and we walk in, immediately recognizing the circle’s leader, SD.  We smile and introduce Texas before SD mentions there will be someone new coming tonight.  When she talks about him, it is in a warning way.  He is deeply flawed and we need to be aware.  She warns us of his dark and flirty nature and Roms frowns, making sure Charlotte is firmly corralled.
When he walks in, SD’s energy shifts entirely and she positively grins at him.  Roms is startled until she feels Rika’s chuckle from the balcony of our mind. “Well…look at the parade in that one.”
Roms hesitates before a small smile flickers across our face.

Sucker Punched

Feeling like we’ve been sucker punched to the brain (no this has nothing to do with that shitty movie of a similar name).

For the first time in a couple weeks, we’ve having complete amnesia.  None of the alters (we’re aware of) are remembering more than half of yesterday, which hasn’t happened in a long time.  With the choking thing from the other day (see the post Choking) we were suspicious of a possible newer alter.  Or at least an alter that isn’t in our “clique” that adheres to a set of rules, including no hoarding memories of day-to-day events.

A lot of yesterday and it’s crumminess is described in SD’s post here, but we need to get some of it down ourselves, if only for the cathartic release.  Claire’s going to hate this, but there is no way we can manage it in any sort of narrative cohesive flow.  I think the style we used in our Dreams post might be able to cut it.
___________________________________________

We pour a glass of pomegranate-cranberry juice to drink before work.  There is a moment of debating on getting something to eat before Victoria viciously vetoes it. We down the glass of juice and get in our car to go to work.

Somehow we are on the other side of the office, in the copy room, though the last thing Serefina remembers is typing up a response to a client’s email.  She looks around tentatively, but no one seems to think anything is amiss. She quickly copies the packet of papers clutched in our hands and hurries back to our desk.

The end of the day comes all to quickly.  Serefina is suspicious that more time has been stolen, though the additional time seems to have all been at our desk.  Claire slips out momentarily to text Jeff and invite him to Pagan’s Night Out, a local meetup event.

No one remembers the drive home.

We’re in the car again, this time with SD next to us.  Apparently we’re going to pick up Jeff and then will go to PNO.

The drive is spotty. We miss a turn we should know. A street and house near the Air Force base mildly triggers us…
[charlotte had been trolling the dating websites again. we’d already met him once for dinner at a local restaurant and he seemed harmless. the second date was at his place. he was very insistent. after dinner (he cooked) we get strangely groggy and he pulls our head into his lap as we stare mutely at the TV screen. his hands keep trying to reach lower and he makes a suggestion that we should sleep over. rika is out in a moment, jerking upright and scanning the room for our car keys. whatever was making us groggy is burned away by her focused rage. she leaves him spluttering on his couch in confusion, tires screeching as she peels out and speeds far far away.]

We park in front of pizza place where PNO is held. SD reminds us that Stalker is going to be there (Stalker is a long story we really can’t get into right now. You can check SD’s post for more info. It’s only important to know he is creepily obsessed with us and Charlotte spent some time teasing him. Rika hates him.). We had forgotten.

SD cuts into our brain shifting and twisting, “I swear if Charlotte flirts with him, I will stab her in the face.” Rika snorts and promises Charlotte knows better now. Charlotte rolls her eyes. She has no interest in creepy psychos.

We are walking back to our table when a woman greets us. She is one of the highly-involved community Pagans. Roms comes out briefly to chat with her. She is sitting at the table with Stalker and he cuts in as soon as she’s finished talking and greets us before talking about legal matters (a divorce he’s going through). Serefina won’t come out so we stare blankly at him before there is a shift.

And we’re walking away from his table. We glance back and he’s grinning at us. What the fuck did we say to him?? Sitting down, both SD and Jeff ask us what’s up, but we can’t manage much except Rika’s cussing.  Then our eyes lift, meet Jeff’s and Charlotte pounces on the momentarily spike of emotion that rushes through us, using it as a lifeline to climb safely into the body.  She adjusts her seat to be closer and brushes her knee and hand against him.

Midori groans and fishes into our purse. Thank god we have cigarettes and they aren’t effing Parliaments. She stalks outside and lights one up, sharing half of it with Rika. We are joined by Jeff and SD and one of her friends.  Midori tries to savor the cig while Rika hotboxes it. She knows we have to get out of here.

Stalker has come outside. Our cig is finished and Midori automatically starts to light another one, getting ready to throw the first away.

Victoria pulls one hand sharply, bringing the still lit cigarette butt brutally against our thumb. Rika curses and savagely throws the butt away, ignoring Stalker’s attempt to make eye contact, his face concerned.

Suddenly we’re in our bedroom, SD on the bed next to us, extremely concerned. Rika pops out defensively, not sure how we arrived back home and feeling on edge.  She knows someone’s stealing time. She thinks perhaps a drink of gin would help, as only Charlotte likes the taste of it, and it is a rare time where she can be trusted.

___________________________________________

The rest of the night is a complete blank.  Charlotte swears she wasn’t able to come out at all.  We have no idea what happened.  And today is just a wild cycle of switching and getting triggered by the simplest things.  Poor SD caused a trigger loop this morning by offering some simple assistance, which triggered us, which triggered her, and so on and so forth.  I think we’re still getting the hang of a two-multiple household.

Taking today off from work because Serefina is hiding and won’t come out.  Yesterday severely disturbed her, as she’s always been able to keep control at work before.

We aren’t sure why things are so in a twist. And that’s what’s the scariest. If it were obvious, that would at least be reassuring.

Good vs. Bad

(warning: some triggering talk of self-harm, a miscarriage, and sex)

A simple comparison of all our voluntary relationships…

____________________________________

#1
We’ve known him since middle school and he’s always been vocal about his crush on us.  We ignore it for the longest time.  Then all our friends start dating and we feel the pressure of that peer pressure.  We cave and agree to “go out” with him.  Of course, so early in life, this merely means holding hands in the hallways (his are always clammy) and occasional sloppy kissing sessions (he uses way too much tongue).  He’s extremely socially awkward and not much to look at, but it feels nice to not be one of the single ones.  He makes us laugh and over the summer he writes us long heartfelt letters.  We are charmed, though far from infatuated.
It still hurts like hell when he dumps us.
We remain tentative friends, due in part to having a lot of mutual friends and in part to the fact that we don’t care about him enough to be wounded and shy away.

____________________________________

#2
He is in a class with Germany and us.  He sends us flirty glances and soft smiles.  He finds out we are Pagan and explains that he’s been drawn to that and wants to learn.  He writes us the dorkiest poetry on the face of the planet, but we smile and keep them in our locker anyways.  We like feeling adored.  When we cave this second time, his hands are dry and firm, his kisses electric.
Eventually the electricity burns as he pushes further.  Red flags go up and we retreat for two long years.
Then he finds us again and tricks us with talks of fate and pining desperately for us (our body).  We are tired of being single.
And we miss those electric kisses.
The second time he pushes harder and we have no choice but to allow the electricity inside.  It claws it’s way through scratching nails and sharp teeth.  He talks about claiming and branding.  He says we belong to him.
He breaks our heart when he leaves us for one of our best friends.  We realize how undesirable we are and start making sure no one will touch us again.  The razors are a sweet escape and our stomach eventually stops expecting food.
When we see him again months later, the electricity is completely gone.  But not the scars.

____________________________________

#3
She’s been our friend for a couple years and though we know she is bisexual, we think nothing of it.  We are broken and weary from our last relationship, but every morning we paste that mask on tightly and step out into the world.
She sees right through that mask.  She drags us to her house after school and convinces us to eat enough to not starve.  We decide to go to the Turnabout dance to forget and she accompanies us (she has to film it for Media anyway).  We invite her to spend the night after.
When Charlotte makes a move on her, it doesn’t take her much time at all to smile and go along with us.  She says she has been waiting.  We’ve heard the fate line before, but she floors us with the line of knowing there are “others”.  She delves into our psyche and tears us open and we like it (at first).
She sinks her claws in deep and the relationship becomes one of codependency in no time at all.  For a good while there is a good amount of give and take. The sex is dark and rough, but Charlotte takes what she can gets.
It is perfect.  But she had a white knight syndrome and soon she thinks she has fixed us enough.
She finds another wounded bird to rescue.
It turns our world upside down.  We beg, beg, beg.  We swear we can be exactly what she wants, what she needs.  She is deaf.
We are living alone for the first time in our lives when she leaves us.  The house is monstrous.  It feels like a tomb.  We think perhaps that is best.
The pills go down easily and the slashing is even easier when we are high as a kite.  Then the switching and paranoia becomes too much and we hide the basement from those who will find us and take us away.  We battle our fear and triggers as it becomes harder and harder to breathe.  Finally one of  us (Rika…) gets fed up and forces the body upstairs and onto the front porch, where she calls an ambulance.
Rika realizes the mistake when we land in the psych ward fighting to keep ourselves semi-sane.
We have to call Her to ask her to check on our dog.  How could we have been so stupid as to leave the poor puppy alone.  When we are released, we go to collect our stuff to move in with Daddy.
She is there, watching TV.  She looks at us.  She sees that we are a horribly broken, wounded bird.  We could not be any be any more broken than this one moment.
She goes back to the TV.
We leave and Rika sends her a nasty text about getting the #$@% out of our house.
She eventually leaves the state.  But not before she spends a good amount of time trash talking us to our friends and calling us all sorts of names (slut).
We have to scrub, scrub, scrub her influence from our mind because every time she calls (too much), she is able to twist our system into knots and turn us against each other.  We cannot scrub that influence.  We cut the tie.

____________________________________

#4
Charlotte takes over for a while after the psych ward and prowls around the dating websites before she discovers someone she wants to meet.  He takes her to a new year’s party where she drinks too much and flirts with his brother.  He doesn’t seem to care as she grinds up against him during a song and kisses him during a match of beer pong.  Over the next couple weeks, Charlotte quickly gets fed up with him as she discovers he’s terrible in bed and doesn’t have a job (even a slut has standards).  She brushes him off.

____________________________________

#5
After thinking we really shouldn’t be dating for awhile due to our issues, we are asked out by a guy we used to go to high school with.
We don’t particularly like him (he’s a supreme asshole), but Charlotte is again peaked due to rumors she’s heard from friends about his sexual prowess.  She is surprised when he is polite during the date and even walks us to our car after the late movie.  A couple days later, she has him in bed with her, as she wanted.  And it’s better than she expected.  She likes that he leaves soon after and insists on “just a casual relationship”.  She can do fuckbuddy well.
She is momentarily distracted from her fun when she is late for a period.  Impossible.  Our body is like clockwork.
When the nausea and constant exhaustion sets in, she flees in terror and doesn’t come out for months.
He feels the need to be responsible even though he (really really really) didn’t want this (and jokes about running to Mexico).  It is horrible to have to tell people.
We lose friends, our health insurance, and our place of residence (Daddy says we’re a badgirl…badgirls can’t live under Daddy’s roof. Or use Daddy’s health insurance. Only ladies.)
We move in with him and the stark reality of his true personality (Asperger’s) and quirks (that is waaaay too many guns for one person to own) comes out.
Then it is awful when we miscarriage.
He goes into his medical mode, which is momentarily helpful, but he does not know what to do when we sink down, down, down and start back with the old habits.  Pills. Cutting. Not eating.  We are harsh in the punishment to ourselves.
He only calls us stupid and says to “cut it out”.
Soon Charlotte is the only one who can stand being around him most of the time and so the constant and wild sex starts up again. It’s ok, he got fixed. No birth control needed. Children are awful he says.
For the first time ever, Roms (not rika) thinks nasty and angry things. She hates him for the way he is relieved about everything we’ve gone through.
And soon, even Charlotte gets fed up with his ways and lack of compassion for most things.  She is disgusted with her formation of a conscience and blames it on being bored and ready to move on.

____________________________________

#6
There aren’t many bad things we can say about this one.
The bad things are all us.  We abuse his trust and compassion and flee every time he tries to get close.  Charlotte tries to turn him far away by taking up with his friend.  She feels no sense of triumph when he does distant himself for awhile.
There are temporary things about his situation that annoy some of us.  He seems to be a bit further behind the life stages than us, but perhaps that is something that is needed now.
The kisses are electric for the first time in a long time.  Charlotte toes the line, but surprises all of us by pulling back before going too far.  There is an ability to banter without turning to insults that we love.  And for the first time, we voluntarily surrender the information about our mental state.  It is a bit of self-sabotage as we assume he will not want someone so broken.  But he takes it in stride.
We waver, feeling that cliff we are standing so close to.  This one could definitely pull us over.

____________________________________