Tag Archives: Serefina

Squeezing blood from stone

My supervisor almost had me crying in a meeting today.  

That so rarely happens, especially with Sere usually being the one who fronts (she doesn’t do emotional).  But he just keeps pushing and demanding and pushing and I just can’t do all that he’s demanding.  

He semi-triggered me and I just felt that bubbly break.  It was awful.  I held back thankfully, though he could certainly tell he touched a nerve (my face did that crumple thing without giving way to tears or noises).

And I’m not getting any of the hours or raise that’s been promised.

You can’t squeeze blood from stone, but currently he is trying his best. Squeeze squeeze squeeze.

I’m not sure how much longer I can be here.  I may take Mom up on her offer of returning to the law firm sooner than I expected.

Sorry- short post for a bad day.  I’ll have some other updates in another day or two most likely.  Work has just been overloading me.  To put it mildly.


Well shit.

I thought things were good.

But then my boss sent me on a mission to get some recorded mortgages at the local county office.  It’s raining and nasty here.  And I like watching my feet when I walk alone.

There are little worm bodies everywhere.

Apparently this is normal for post-storm rainy-ness.  I dunno.

And for some reason it’s violently triggered me.  I have no idea why.  I can sense some sort of memory in the back of my mind, but I can’t reach it.  It’s been awhile since a visual thing has triggered me so badly.

It was such a violent trigger than I splintered slightly and Charlotte came out to flirt with the recorder’s office employee.  It worked out in our favor, as he lowered the copy fee substantially for us, but still.  A bit unsettling.  I could feel her not wanting to return to my office after the errand and an internal fight ensued.

Fortunately, Serefina won and now I’m back here.

Still faintly triggered.

I don’t know why.

dead dry wormy bodies.  looks like the site of a defeated battle. a war lost.  no one sees. no one notices. need to move them. move move move. be nice. nice nice.

Triggers of pregnancy

I knew this would happen.

I mean, that I would eventually be triggered.

I didn’t expect it to be in this way….


So of course I have to tell Army about Zoe being pregnant.  I mean, not only is he like- lets say a godfather to her, but he’s over at my place occasionally.  He’s gonna notice at some point.

I expected him to be annoyed at me for not keeping a better eye on Zoe.

He was not.

He is ecstatic.  He is begging me to contact him the moment I know she’s in labor so he can be there.  He wants to help her as much as possible.

Everything just….just the complete opposite of how he responded to me a year and a half ago.

So now I mean less than a dog.  And puppies are much more important than a-


I won’t say it.

If I don’t say it, then it isn’t real.

I feel that fracturing and I don’t want it.  I can’t have it.

splits and cracks and bones and blood and lets hurt him- lets maim him.  like he maimed us.  have the blood and the pain and the hurt-

I have too much to do.  I have to work on getting a car.  I have to keep things afloat at work-

Has she told you how work is going?  I am doing my best to keep things from falling apart, but the program is going badly and turnover is decreasing exponentially.  There is a high chance that I will have to shoulder the blame.  Despite it not being remotely my fault.  I may end up being fired.  I cannot be fired.  I do not get fired.  I am good at my job.  I am an excellent multi-tasker with exceptional attention to detail.  I am highly motivated by deadlines and task lists-

I don’t want to fracture.  I don’t want to start losing time again.  I just want to be normal.

But I don’t want to listen to him coo and smile over her.  I don’t want to hear that.  I don’t want to watch it.  I can’t.  I can’t.  I can’t.

Don’t worry.  You won’t have to.

In which I almost get fired

I had a dream Saturday that I got fired.

Last week we signed these new Federal Personal Information Privacy agreements that basically means that we cannot leave a single client file in our desk drawer any longer.  All files must be returned to the centralized locking cabinet by the end of the business day (or any time I am not present at my desk- i.e. a break).

It’s been frustrating as hell.

Oh, and did I mention that if we don’t adhere, we can get fired?

Back to Saturday night.  I dreamed that I got fired because I left a file in my drawer over the holiday weekend.

When I woke up Sunday, I realized that I had actually left a file in my drawer Wednesday.  Accidentally, of course.  I proceed to freak out- causing Army to try and calm me down and remind me that nothing can be done until Monday morning anyway.
(Sidenote: yes, we spent most of the weekend with Army.  Being that romance is not my area however, I will leave it someone else to update the blog with a post regarding that. It was a pleasant weekend besides the bad dream though.)

This morning rolls around and when Texas calls me on my way to work, asking me to swing by her place after, I joke that it may be earlier than my normal quitting time as I might be getting fired today.  I seem calm but inside I am screaming, crying, hating myself.  It takes a lot of strength between myself and Rika to not let Victoria or Daria take this self-hatred out physically.  But the recent pact with Army is still fresh for most of us (more on that in the future).

When I reach my office, I immediately check my desk drawer.  Perhaps I am incorrect in my memory and I really did properly restore the file to the central cabinet last Wednesday.  I am not a superstitious alter, but I cross my fingers anyway.

A file sits calmly on top; so obvious; so conniving; yelling for a supervisor to find it and terminate me.

I quickly open Microsoft Outlook on my computer and check my email.  No stern emails from my supervisor.  I scan my desk.  No post-its about seeing him.

I do a normal perusal of the department’s calendar and notice my Saving Grace.

“[Supervisor] attending Ohio Housing Conference all day”

I may be starting to lean a little more towards Roms’ theories of there being a “bigger picture” now.

I also quickly create a post-it with garish colors and big blocky letters: “CHECK”.  I tape it above my desk drawers.  I will notice it every day before I leave.

I will not be fired over being a scatterbrain.  I am better than that.


(We were inspired by Carol Anne’s post this evening having to do with “being recognized”.  Things are a bit hectic tonight and some sorting out would be helpful.  Our system always likes talking about being separate, even if we are trying this uniting/getting along thing.  It settles us.)

There are little behaviors, movements, actions, words, etc. that usually identify a particular person.

With someone who has a system or is a multiple, the alters each tend to have ones to call all their own.

We’re all feeling a bit restless and needed a sort of “freewrite”, so to speak.

I thought listing some well-known idiosyncrasies we use to figure out who has control of the body would be a good way to settle down.

Kit had a similar list handwritten in a safe location when we were at our worse switching and losing time and had to try and attempt to figure out some order.

-hums, especially Disney or Glee songs
-bites her nails
-tends to only whisper
-likes to eat food “in bits”, picking off pieces slowly and taking tiny bites (especially with cookies and pastries)


-flips her hair, especially when flirting
-expressive use of her eyes, especially with flirting
-always crosses her legs
-flicks her Zippo lighter case compulsively
-smokes like a true addict- savors the cigarette


-twirls pens and pencils
-tucks her hair behind her ear compulsively, especially when nervous
-won’t make eye contact with a male
-chews on pens and pencils’ ends while writing


-rocks back and forth, especially when nervous
-mutters under her breath and never speaks above a whisper or hiss
-leaves out self-harm implements (most of the self-harmers clean up after themselves)
-repeats words and phrases over and over


-eats pickles in a very slow and particular way, almost like an ear of corn
-likes to relax lying on her stomach, legs kicking in the air
-will compulsively play with jewelry the body has on
-likes to drive with all the windows down
-will leave the TV running when drifting off to sleep (especially during storms)


-sings when she thinks no one’s listening (especially while baking)
-foot jiggles when reading a “good part” in a book
-ability to block out practically any distractions when reading, baking, composing, or gaming
-smokes in a sort of distracted way, as if it’s only a placeholder for another habit
-will take painkillers compulsively if she can gain access to them


-leaves the radio in the car really loud
-smokes cigarettes like a chimney, not pausing at all
-drives a bit recklessly
-If someone on the road does something to piss her off, will talk to drivers in an angry patronizing way as if they can hear her
-cusses every other word


-prefers cats (with the exception of Zoe)
-enjoys water in any form, will try to swim or take long showers when out
-goes out of her way to check on any nearby children
-takes her time to examine art objects or photographs (like in a new place)

-pulls hair into bun
-reads non-fiction books, especially relating to law
-speaks in a highly professional tone with a lot of large words
-doodles in margins of papers she takes notes on (she doesn’t like admitting this)

-braids the body’s hair
-refuses to eat
-has long beauty regimes (face masks,
body lotion, sloughing cream, etc.)
-tries to have a self-harming item in one hand, even if not actively using
-only alter who does burning self-harm

Work Reward

I had a meeting with my supervisor today when I first came in about my program review process.  It was all praise.  He wishes for me to complete a manual so we can have it to show the state, which should lead to our grant being approved.

But I also found out….

I did get a raise!

In fact, I technically got in a month ago- it’s just no one informed me.  It should be reflected on my next paycheck.  I am so very excited and proud.  I have worked my tail off at this job and I love it so much.

I was starting to get nervous about my pay rate, as my cost of living was starting to be too much for my paychecks to handle.  It was making me extremely nervous and sad to have to consider the possibility of finding employment elsewhere.
Despite my supervisor driving me nuts sometimes (who’s doesn’t, though?), I really do enjoy my job and I feel very fulfilled here.
I help people in their time of need.  I get to be an activist against the banks so that someone who has had a rough time gets to stay in their home.  It’s a worthwhile career.  And such a relief to not have to worry about leaving.

Thank you universe, for making sure I could stay. 

Windchimes again

Perhaps this is what the warning was for.

Everything going sideways.

I think it was from Audrey.  I’m so sorry Audrey.  I’m sorry for everything that happened to you, for everything you went through.

I understand why you went away.

Sometimes I think about joining you.

Sometimes I think we should all join you.

But I know that’s wrong and bad.
It’s just…everything She did…everything She didn’t.
I don’t understand how it means nothing to Kit and Midori and Serefina.  We lost Audrey over everything She did.  Sweet, soft, gentle Audrey.  Audrey who only ever loved with every bit of herself as deeply as she could.
And all it did was hurt her.  And destroy her.

Then there was Cordelia.  Our darling. Our light. Our life. Two against the world.
…I didn’t know my heart could break this much.  And now the anniversary is approaching, rearing it’s ugly head and reminding us of all the ways we aren’t good enough.

Rika has a theory that Audrey and I are twinned (Shadow Dragon talks about that concept occasionally).  I guess I can see that.  It would explain why I only have felt like half of a whole since she’s been gone.

Maybe if I keep talking to her…if I don’t act like she is gone…maybe Audrey will come back.  She could come back and fix everything…

Serefina’s Shit-Fit

Okay. I am usually a very calm and collected person. But I need to vent a bit.

I’ve been a paralegal (at least part-time) for 6 years. I was a Purchasing and A/R agent for 4 and a half years.  I practically ran a whole office that grossed $100 thousand a year during that time.

I’ve easily adjusted to this Housing Assistance job we got back in March that requires extensive knowledge of legal foreclosure proceedings as well as intimate knowledge of multiple financial grant programs.  I increased productivity within days, and reduced almost all file errors within weeks.

Within a mere two months I became the top expert at our entirely company on the entire Ohio Restoring Stability (RSS) program.

Yet I still make less than $800 a month.  Not because of the pay rate, which actually isn’t that bad, but because I can’t even go over 20 hours a week.  Yet I have stacks of files waiting for me every day and get chewed out constantly about “pushing productivity further”. I’m only one person with extremely limited time and I can only work with what I’m given.

Not to mention I also occasionally assist three different counselors because they won’t hire true assistants for each one, despite the workload demanding it (and more).  We lost our RSS counselor three months ago and I’ve been doing her job, her responsibility- without her pay, benefits, or recognition.

This is because I can’t be a full RSS counselor, as Ohio’s stipulations on being an accredited financial counselor requires at least 6 months of experience shadowing of another counselor or Bachelor’s degree in finance/accounting.  They aren’t counting my first month or two (claiming it was all administrative), so I’m a couple months away from even “qualifying”.

And now they want me to train the new counselor in RSS.  My supervisor claims it’s a “temporary” thing and that I’ll be elevated to counselor status as soon as I’m certified, and they’ll switch this new counselor to some other program or function.

So I’m supposed to still stay at less than $800 a month, but train someone to know the RSS program as intimately as me??? That is just…just-
I know life isn’t fair. Of course I know, I mean, I’m a flippin’ alter in the broken mind of an abuse victim.
I’m also competent as hell.  I’ve single-handedly kept this system afloat at times. I am goddamn amazing and I know it.

I don’t deserve to be forced into training my own boss.

Doctor Update

Realized there are some of you wondering about the low-down on the whole doctor bugging the shit outta us thing.  There’s some other shit that went down this weekend that others will probably fucking write about, but for now I get the lovely fucking job of telling you what a dumbshit Dr. Ken-Dumbshit is.

We called his office back on Friday and the secretary was like “We’re just checking on you and wanting to record some of your recent readings.”

Jesus. For this they left us four vague-as-fuck messages whipping us into a frothy frenzy of fear, anxiety, annoyance, and anger (yeah, that was mostly me).

So we were honest about how the “new” med (that he prescribed about 4 weeks ago) isn’t doing jack-shit and our readings are still in the range of 180/120, if not higher.  She’s says we need to speak directly with Dr. Ken-Dumbshit on Monday.

He calls this morning.  I don’t want to fucking handle it as cussing up a storm while threatening his precious bits probably isn’t a good way to speak to a doctor.
Middi decides to take it (being at Charlotte is unavailable for other reasons- more on that later). He starts spouting out nonsense about more fucking pills and more goddamn tests (that are the same ones we’ve already done, he’s just hoping for “clearer results”).  Middi politely (way too politely in my goddamn opinion) informs him that we are NOT MADE OF MONEY.
She also slips in a hilarious comment about him basically going at our hypertension like a witch doctor who has NO GODDAMN CLUE. He’s annoyed of course, but we’re all laughing our asses off in here on the balcony.

Then he launches into some scare tactics, saying if we don’t listen to him and follow his instructions, we will die of this.  That is quickly followed by a firm lecture about all the “special” shit he’s doing for us that has Middi skeedaddling (he sounds like our Father with that lecturing shame-inducing tone) and some vague fragment is instantly out that is softly agreeing to everything he says, robot-style.

The shame-fragment hangs up and disappears, and an auto-pilot gets us towards the car, Claire briefly takes over in order to explain to our passenger that doctors suck, and then auto-pilot gets us to work with an extra half-hour to spare.

It is used for us to have a complete shit-fit, before Serefina and myself get completely tired and fed-up with the others’ self-loathing and rapid cycling and drag the body into work.

Not to mention hog-fucking-tying Victoria because good-goddamn-god we soooo don’t need more of her bullshit on our body today.  Already still recovering from last night.

So the short of it is: Doctors are assholes.

Sucker Punched

Feeling like we’ve been sucker punched to the brain (no this has nothing to do with that shitty movie of a similar name).

For the first time in a couple weeks, we’ve having complete amnesia.  None of the alters (we’re aware of) are remembering more than half of yesterday, which hasn’t happened in a long time.  With the choking thing from the other day (see the post Choking) we were suspicious of a possible newer alter.  Or at least an alter that isn’t in our “clique” that adheres to a set of rules, including no hoarding memories of day-to-day events.

A lot of yesterday and it’s crumminess is described in SD’s post here, but we need to get some of it down ourselves, if only for the cathartic release.  Claire’s going to hate this, but there is no way we can manage it in any sort of narrative cohesive flow.  I think the style we used in our Dreams post might be able to cut it.

We pour a glass of pomegranate-cranberry juice to drink before work.  There is a moment of debating on getting something to eat before Victoria viciously vetoes it. We down the glass of juice and get in our car to go to work.

Somehow we are on the other side of the office, in the copy room, though the last thing Serefina remembers is typing up a response to a client’s email.  She looks around tentatively, but no one seems to think anything is amiss. She quickly copies the packet of papers clutched in our hands and hurries back to our desk.

The end of the day comes all to quickly.  Serefina is suspicious that more time has been stolen, though the additional time seems to have all been at our desk.  Claire slips out momentarily to text Jeff and invite him to Pagan’s Night Out, a local meetup event.

No one remembers the drive home.

We’re in the car again, this time with SD next to us.  Apparently we’re going to pick up Jeff and then will go to PNO.

The drive is spotty. We miss a turn we should know. A street and house near the Air Force base mildly triggers us…

[charlotte had been trolling the dating websites again. we’d already met him once for dinner at a local restaurant and he seemed harmless. the second date was at his place. he was very insistent. after dinner (he cooked) we get strangely groggy and he pulls our head into his lap as we stare mutely at the TV screen. his hands keep trying to reach lower and he makes a suggestion that we should sleep over. rika is out in a moment, jerking upright and scanning the room for our car keys. whatever was making us groggy is burned away by her focused rage. she leaves him spluttering on his couch in confusion, tires screeching as she peels out and speeds far far away.]

We park in front of pizza place where PNO is held. SD reminds us that Stalker is going to be there (Stalker is a long story we really can’t get into right now. You can check SD’s post for more info. It’s only important to know he is creepily obsessed with us and Charlotte spent some time teasing him. Rika hates him.). We had forgotten.

SD cuts into our brain shifting and twisting, “I swear if Charlotte flirts with him, I will stab her in the face.” Rika snorts and promises Charlotte knows better now. Charlotte rolls her eyes. She has no interest in creepy psychos.

We are walking back to our table when a woman greets us. She is one of the highly-involved community Pagans. Roms comes out briefly to chat with her. She is sitting at the table with Stalker and he cuts in as soon as she’s finished talking and greets us before talking about legal matters (a divorce he’s going through). Serefina won’t come out so we stare blankly at him before there is a shift.

And we’re walking away from his table. We glance back and he’s grinning at us. What the fuck did we say to him?? Sitting down, both SD and Jeff ask us what’s up, but we can’t manage much except Rika’s cussing.  Then our eyes lift, meet Jeff’s and Charlotte pounces on the momentarily spike of emotion that rushes through us, using it as a lifeline to climb safely into the body.  She adjusts her seat to be closer and brushes her knee and hand against him.

Midori groans and fishes into our purse. Thank god we have cigarettes and they aren’t effing Parliaments. She stalks outside and lights one up, sharing half of it with Rika. We are joined by Jeff and SD and one of her friends.  Midori tries to savor the cig while Rika hotboxes it. She knows we have to get out of here.

Stalker has come outside. Our cig is finished and Midori automatically starts to light another one, getting ready to throw the first away.

Victoria pulls one hand sharply, bringing the still lit cigarette butt brutally against our thumb. Rika curses and savagely throws the butt away, ignoring Stalker’s attempt to make eye contact, his face concerned.

Suddenly we’re in our bedroom, SD on the bed next to us, extremely concerned. Rika pops out defensively, not sure how we arrived back home and feeling on edge.  She knows someone’s stealing time. She thinks perhaps a drink of gin would help, as only Charlotte likes the taste of it, and it is a rare time where she can be trusted.


The rest of the night is a complete blank.  Charlotte swears she wasn’t able to come out at all.  We have no idea what happened.  And today is just a wild cycle of switching and getting triggered by the simplest things.  Poor SD caused a trigger loop this morning by offering some simple assistance, which triggered us, which triggered her, and so on and so forth.  I think we’re still getting the hang of a two-multiple household.

Taking today off from work because Serefina is hiding and won’t come out.  Yesterday severely disturbed her, as she’s always been able to keep control at work before.

We aren’t sure why things are so in a twist. And that’s what’s the scariest. If it were obvious, that would at least be reassuring.