sideways

Perhaps this is what the warning was for.

Everything going sideways.

I think it was from Audrey. I’m so sorry Audrey. I’m sorry for everything that happened to you, for everything you went through.

I understand why you went away.

Sometimes I think about joining you.

Sometimes I think we should all join you.

But I know that’s wrong and bad.
It’s just…everything She did…everything She didn’t.
I don’t understand how it means nothing to Kit and Midori and Serefina. We lost Audrey over everything She did. Sweet, soft, gentle Audrey. Audrey who only ever loved with every bit of herself as deeply as she could.
And all it did was hurt her. And destroy her.

Then there was Cordelia. Our darling. Our light. Our life. Two against the world.
…I didn’t know my heart could break this much. And now the anniversary is approaching, rearing it’s ugly head and reminding us of all the ways we aren’t good enough.

Rika has a theory that Audrey and I are twinned (Shadow Dragon talks about that concept occasionally). I guess I can see that. It would explain why I only have felt like half of a whole since she’s been gone.

Maybe if I keep talking to her…if I don’t act like she is gone…maybe Audrey will come back. She could come back and fix everything…

(warning for Rika’s language, as per usual)

Sometimes I hate being the fucking protector. Claire’s in the goddamn corner, curled in a ball, crying and apologizing to an imaginary Audrey like she’s fucking schizo.

All because of a fucking phone call.

I tried to not let goddamn Kit answer, but then Charlotte and Middi got behind her and I was fucking pushed back like I’m nothing. Really bruises a protector’s ego, you know?

Kit’s determined to prove that she can “be normal” and carry on a “casual conversation” with Her. Goddammit Kit, you don’t have to. She lives in a different fucking state. It doesn’t fucking matter.

Charlotte and Middi mostly want to prove to themselves that they can “not care” or something bullshit like that. But all it does is put the system into a tailspin that we definitely don’t fucking need.

Why is she calling us?

Well, I listened in on the whole goddamn conversation and it was stupid bullshit. Just stupid life updates. Yeah, she mentioned Kally which had Kit flicker back and I got excited, thinking I could fucking wrestle control, but Middi easily stepped up for a bit before Kit settled down. So I got jack-shit.

Then she ends with some goddamn offer of us playing this stupid role-playing game over Skype with her and some of her friends. Ugh. Fucking…just fucking no. I don’t care if Middi is interested (girl has a strange interest in gaming for being a fucking loner). It’s not fucking happening.

I’m putting my fucking foot down.

Hear that, everyone? The protector’s foot is down. Ya’ll ain’t going nowhere. Sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.