The Cruel Goddess Ana

Trigger warning for a more in-depth discussion of my eating disorder issues and mentioning of my (stupid) perusal of pro-Ana websites.
I do not want to encourage any eating disorders.  That is not my intent with this post at all.  Please let me know if you find it “pro-eating disorder” because I am not in that mindset, despite my struggle.
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This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness week.  Unfortunately, what it’s done for me is just made me more aware of mine and the fact that I am no where near a stable recovery (though I am trying).

I slipped up today in my perusing of eating disorder blogs.  Usually I’m good and just read the strictly supportive/recovery based ones.  The ones that do not encourage Thinking Thin or Thinspiration or any of that harmful talk.  I found a couple new ones yesterday that were absolutely lovely and gave me all sorts of smiles.

Today I stumbled across a pro-Ana (a term for anorexia) blog.  I didn’t realize it at first because it wasn’t overt like some.  I won’t link it here because that just perpetrates the cycle of harm and I will not be a part of that.

What bothered me was the way the blog talked about the Goddess Ana.  Personifying a disorder into this figure of anti-eating, rib-showing, thigh-gap encouraging “deity” they could pray to for assistance.   I am horrified.  I hate that I immediately got an image of what this goddess would look like.  And she would be cruel.  She would demand constant sacrifice; the blood, sweat, tears, and pounds of her worshipers.

I thought we were past the old days of sacrificing young women to appease the gods.

Apparently not.

We’ve merely moved on to a darker strain of sacrifice.  Instead of a quick knife or even a pyre of flame- it is a slow torture of starvation.  It is giving that little piece of you daily to a tall, impossibly thin and icy eyed woman who says it is never enough.  Just a couple more pounds.  Always just a couple more.  Her mouth is a black hole and it devours your strength, your health, your sanity with gulping force, the sharp teeth glittering in a border of poisoned words.

And words have power.  I give this goddess power merely by encouraging this descriptive personification.  I can’t help it.  But I will not let such a cruel goddess rule me.  I line my personal angels and guardians up around me.  I do not look into her eyes or step anywhere near that gaping mouth.  I will not dedicate myself to a goddess who demands such a high sacrifice.

I will not.

And I can only hope that other women and girls (and men and boys) will find the strength to turn away.  To know that they are beautiful just as they are.  They were beautiful all those weeks ago before they heard the call of the Goddess Ana.  Before the siren’s song started.

We are stronger than we know.

Be gentle, be loving, be strong.  You are worth it.

 

http://nedawareness.org/

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Note:  I purposely put some tags that may seem slightly “pro-Ana” in hopes that someone will stumble across this post when looking for tips or encouragement.  And I hope this encouragement of a different sort, of a truly positive sort, will start the healing process.
Happy National Eating Disorder Awareness week.

Loss

This post is dedicated to Texas
(even though she doesn’t currently read my blog) 

Early this morning her grandmother passed away.  This is a woman who raised, sheltered, and loved Texas unconditionally while her mother and father struggled with a crippling drug habit that constantly threatened to destroy Texas’s childhood.
She has been battling cancer for months now- and this morning, she was finally called to rest and doesn’t have to be in pain anymore.

I wrote this for Texas; my best friend, the strongest woman I know- who is almost singlehandedly handling holding up her family and being supportive and helping with the necessary arrangements that need done, while also grieving for a woman who was essentially her mother.

I have been lucky enough to not have experienced the loss of a close family member (with the exception of my stepbrother, but he and I were not particularly close), so this poem is more of a empathetic supportive attempt at understanding loss.
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Loss

A girl thrown into darkness
A world apart
Nothing but a vast emptiness
A broken heart

These scratched out feelings
Can’t even express
Unending talk of angels and wings
When just trying to suppress

The need to run, to hide
To dig and dig and dig
That hole could hold her

While that sensation
Reverse déjà vu
On the edge of the mind

Something that can’t be forgotten
Remembered
Kept
Cherished

Stop saying those words:
“Are you okay?”
Nothing is okay
But despite that hole calling
Singing it’s sweet refrain
She manages to stand tall
A woman
Shining with all the strength, courage, and love
Of loss

Caffeine

I am frustrated with my lack (or perhaps someone else’s…grr) of foresight to bring enough caffeine for me to work on getting our office’s foreclosure workshop for this evening fully prepared.

I shall be able to manage, I’m sure, but it would be a lot easier if I had the wondrous drug of keeping me awake.

I’m also trying not to get too distraught over the idea of how much socializing I will have to do with clients, city officials, and attorneys at the event tonight.

At least our mother will be there. Long story. Wait. Maybe not. Our department supervisor said he needed a couple attorneys at the workshop to speak about the legal aspects of foreclosure, so we offered him our mother’s number. There. Not so long a story.

I will not cause a switching frenzy. I can do this. I can do this.

-Serefina