Tag Archives: struggle

Wishes about Dad

I lied.  I do sort of have something to say.

I wish my dad was more like this dad or this great-with-acronyms-dad.

The ED is rampant today.  With my birthday being this weekend and a huge bash at a local drive-in movie theater being planned by Texas, I’m feeling fat, ugly, and just….awful.  I just want to not touch food until after Saturday night.

But I know I can’t do that and still keep this struggle a secret.  I have so many social events over the next 4 days.  And birthday dinners with various relatives.

I’m trying not to go crazy.

But it’s hard.

I just wish I had someone to be my rock, my raft, my life vest.

Well.  I wish my father would.  That he could even consider it.
I don’t understand why I try so hard to be a Daddy’ Girl, even though I know it will never happen.  But I always try.

I try to be that daughter he can be proud of.

And that’s why this must remain a secret.

Lonely Ghosts

This weekend has me dwelling.  I hate dwelling.  It never accomplishes anything.  Ever.  Except wasting time.

I got into a conversation with my massage therapist about eating disorders and she was floored when I shared the fact that I struggle with mine daily.   She said she wanted to know more, to understand.

Can anyone truly understand?

It is technically an illness, but unlike something like pneumonia, I don’t think the cause or symptoms are always the same.

I guess, for me, the bottom line is not only the skewed self-image, but the beauty of control.  My life can be chaos a lot, especially dealing with the DID. 

I wake up and it could be Thursday and the last thing I remember is driving home from work on Tuesday evening.  Usually nothing awful has happened during that blank.  But sometimes…

Of course, that makes the control of my intake hard.  My struggle with anorexia is different than most, I think.  I wage war with parts of me that think the whole “eating issue” is “bullshit” (no, it’s fucking ridiculous). 
I could spend all of Saturday making sure I don’t put anything but ice cubes into my mouth, only to have the whole struggle compromised on Sunday when Midori bakes a platter of cookies.  Then her and Armes devour the whole thing.

This is good, in the long run.  They help me stay alive.  That’s always been their purpose.

And despite my issues, our internal wars, my blanks of times, my memory problems, my mood swings, my depression, my eating disorder…

The devils you know are better than the ones you don’t.


“The devil that you know
Is better than the one you don’t

And so it goes…
Like lonely ghosts, at a roadside cross
We stay because we don’t know where else to go

The places, our old haunts
Will miss us when we’re gone
We can never move on

So like lonely ghosts, at a roadside cross
We stay

The devil that you know
Is better than the one you don’t

Like lonely ghosts, at a roadside cross
We stay because we don’t know where else to go
We stay because we don’t know where else to go”
“Lonely Ghosts” O+S

I couldn’t find a good YouTube video I liked…it’s a hauntingly beautiful melody though.  I wish someone would upload one that would do it justice.