Being Thankful

(I don’t want to keep that last post up at the top any longer)

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Today I am thankful.

Despite all my pain and depression and health issues still looming over like a dark cloud, I am thankful.

• I am thankful to have a roof over my head.
• I am thankful to have the ability to have food in my fridge (sometimes I choose not to restock due to mental-health, but that doesn’t need to be addressed in this post)
• I am so very thankful to have Zoe: the best dog in the whole world (to me; I know many of you have the best dogs in the world as well 😉 )
• I am thankful to have some of the best friends that exist.  I am thankful for their gentle understanding mixed with firm encouragement.
• I am so very thankful for Army.  I may bitch and moan and skitter back from that whole complicated mess of feelings, but he truly has been nothing but helpful during this circling of the drain.  He has been the drain catch that prevents me from fully going down the pipes.
  

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Things are moving forward.  And that is what keeps the dark thoughts away.  It is stagnation that breeds the negativity and urges.

Some good bits of info on my life moving forward:

1. Zoe and I have been attending a local obedience class and it’s going fantastically.  She isn’t attending because she’s a dog incapable of responding to basic commands (in fact she’s impressed the trainer with her grasp of all the basics: sit, down, wait, come).  It’s the socializing and structured environment that is needed.  For both of us.  Plus, something for us to do together.  She and I are seriously working on heel for the next week; her weakest area of obedience.  But it’s my fault- I’ve always had her off leash (her recall is excellent) or on a harness that prevents her from pulling physically.  I need to get to that mental zone of no pulling.  She’s finding it frustrating, but is working hard.  She’s such a good girl and I can see how much she wants to please me.
   

   Zoe practicing “sit-wait”

2. My best friend (Texas) is getting married in July.  I’m so happy for her.  The man she is marrying is a great guy and has become a good friend to me.  It doesn’t hurt that he’s bailed me out of a couple car fiascoes (he’s a mechanic/engineer).  They’re just doing something small and private but it’s still a big step.  They’re also getting a house together.  Which brings me to the next item…
3. I’m on the road to purchasing my first home.  It’s due to a couple items coming together, the big one being some settlement money from a class action lawsuit (that’s been going on since I was a little girl) finally coming through.  I’m going to use some of it for a large down payment and finally get that elusive homeowner title.  I’m doing mostly research these days to make sure I make well informed decisions and choose the best possible house for me.  A large yard for Zoe is definitely on the list of wants! It’s also in the plan that Army (and Sofya) will move in with me and surprisingly I’m eager for that.  I suppose that’s how I know I’m ready for this step forward- when Army suggesting living together a year ago I balked.  Now I can’t wait to be able to just cuddle every night (or at least every week, depending on his EMT schedule) and not have to worry about if I have enough energy to drive over and see him.
4. A raise and possible promotion is in the pipeline at work again.  Probably not until the fall, but I’m still eager for the next step.  I do like the company I work for and would dearly love to stay with them- but I’m getting enough education, experience, and responsibility under my belt that I can’t justify staying with them at my current wage for over a year.

Those are the big items going on.  So despite being at a big roadblock in my health, I’m looking past that to all the wonderful things I have coming in the next year.  I’m determined now to keep truckin’ and see these things all come to a successful conclusion.

And I cannot thank all of you enough for your kind words on my last post.  I know I didn’t reply to the comments and I probably won’t (the post is a hard one for me to read and I want to avoid it for now); but please know that your words were heard and meant a great deal.

Lots of hugs to all!

Coping with the M word

I’m already dreading Sunday and feeling that curling sick feeling in my stomach.

Probably won’t post this weekend.

I heard two women on the elevator this morning talking about st–lborns and mis—riages.  I have no idea why a person would discuss such topics on a busy public elevator.

I’ve had some planning issues with having company on Sunday.  I’m not sure if it’s going to happen.

Army get some credit though, as he is trying very hard to get a shift swap to take place so he can be off.  The problem is he has this absolutely horrible partner that everyone in his company hates and no one wants to work with.  So I’m not sure about him being available.

Texas was supposed to be, but she said she’s got some homework and her boyfriend’s soccer game.  I keep reminding myself that I need to stop being selfish and other people have lives and sitting with a dumb girl who is just having a case of the mentals is no one’s idea of a good way to spend a Sunday.

Rogers said he’s still down.  And he’s being gracious about Army joining us if he is able to get off.

I’m just dreading it so much.

I know I shouldn’t drink or down any pills that day or my mind will just swirl out of control.  Rogers has offered me the herbal alternative if I would like, but I am unsure how that would affect me when I’m so unbalanced.  Especially with the DID/MPD.

I just want this weekend to pass without me carving words into my skin again while high on pills and drunk on booze.  And alone.  Last year was such a mess.

I just want to have an excuse to not dwell.  If I’m alone, I know I’ll dwelldwelldwell.  But it feels so ridiculous and selfish asking other people to spend time with me when I know I’ll be probably semi-robotic and terrible company.

I should stop being so selfish and just stay at the apartment.  Maybe I could managing some sort of movie-thon on my own.

Figure it out your damn self

Can I just pretend I don’t have any legal expertise?  A 8+ paralegal experience and plans of going for a proper law degree.
Can I pretend I am not planning on going to law school? (eventually. hopefully. maybe. if money and mental-health allow.)

I wish it was legal to get a bar license under a pseudonym so no one except really close friends knew I was practicing. 

And I really wish I wasn’t a paralegal today.

One of my friends who I don’t see often asked me for some “unofficial legal advice” late yesterday/this morning.  Without going into too much detail, let’s just say it was regarding a small claims matter and trying to get money out of an ex.

I really didn’t want to touch it with a 50 foot pole.

But she’s a friend I’ve known a loooooong time (longer than Germany, actually), and even though our friendship has had many ups and downs, I am a sucker for that ol’ nostalgia.  Ever the Taurus.

So I tried.  I gave her the disappointing news that she didn’t have much of a case as she wasn’t technically legally involved in the matter (technically it’s a matter regarding Texas, but Texas isn’t super interested in pursuing it).  Said friend got pissed.  Obviously not what she wanted to hear.

I gave the best disclaimer I could.  I told her my expertise is mostly criminal and property law and I know very little about small claim civil matters.  And that I am not an attorney.

She send me a nasty text this morning saying a “real attorney” told her she has a “really good case” on her hands.

Okay.

Fine.

Next time, how about you don’t come to me for a free legal opinion.  Just figure it out your damn self.  I don’t need this resentment.  I don’t need the drama.  And I certainly don’t need the stress.

I hate being the only legal-type person in my group of friends.  I’m constantly the one called or texted at weird hours and told “Omg, I have to know what to do about this matter right now“.  Like I’m on a freakin’ retainer for them.

So I’m done.  I shall be playing dumb any time anyone asks my advice.
I have no idea how to go about handling that situation. 
Why don’t you consult a real attorney? 
Yeah, you do have to drop at least 300 bucks. 
Funny how free legal advice is scarce, huh?

I don’t need this.

Ups and Downs

Last night was a freakin’ roller coaster.

First of all, I had a lovely “Hump Day Dinner” with Texas and another girl friend of mine that I rarely get to see.  It was a lot of fun.  There was sangria and calamari; both of which I adore.

We had fun joking around and talking about nothing.

But then it went downhill…

But Texas has been acting weird.  She’s seriously contemplating breaking up with her longtime boyfriend of…4 or 5 years now I think.  I dunno.  Awhile.  Mostly due to not getting the attention she needs, but also a lot of money disagreements (basically he wants to use her money for his shit).

While having this crisis of romance, she starts making this really weird deal about how pretty I am and how all the men around us want me (…what?).  I’m not really sure how to deal with this.  Besides the fact that I have awful self-image issues and can’t even process what she’s suggesting about me; I’ve always thought Texas is a really beautiful woman.
She has this flawless skin I’ll never achieve, shapely legs, gorgeous curly dark hair, and an actual chest region.  There’s a reason she was so easily able to steal my high school boyfriend not once, but twice.

Anyway, I am completely befuddled by her behavior.  She’s always been nice to me about my looks in that “normal girl friend” way (“Oh you look great in that shirt!”) , but I’ve never experienced such dogged references to me.  It feels like she goes out of the way to point out that the waiter is flirting with me and our other friend joins in.  I’m completely wigged out at this point.  The sangria doesn’t help.

I texted Army to try and get some sort of stabilizing opinion and explain that Texas is making me a bit nervous by pointing out these things.  Apparently it comes out wrong because he lashes out at me about trying to “make him jealous” and that if he “said the same thing” to me, I’d be “furious”.  I have no idea what he’s talking about.

The words and tone sound like Katherine.

My vision starts swimming and shifting and my head is spinning and I can’t do that again.  I can’t be a possession again.  I can’t be a slave, an object, a thing.  I can’t belong to a person again.   I can’t handle over-jealously again.  I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t.

Texas notices the shift and comments.  I briefly explain, but not entirely.  She gets it a bit, but has no words.  I understand, she’s dealing with her own frustrations.  The car ride home is quiet.

I think about how he doesn’t even acknowledge me on Facebook.  I know it’s a shallow teenage thing.  I’m not asking for “in a relationship” bullshit.  I don’t much care for that.  But he mentions when he’s hanging out with friends.  Or even his roommates.  But he’s goes out of his way to never ever mention my name on there.  Even when he uploads pictures of my puppies for his friends to see.

And yet he wants to start talking jealously?

Hell no.

If he wants to be in the “deeper level” of a relationship and it means this sort of stuff, I’m out.

Out out out out out out.

I won’t do the crazy jealously game to myself again.  I won’t.  I won’t do it.

Weekend Summary

(Slight bit of sex-talk, FYI)
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I just want to sort of summarize this past weekend.

I had a pretty decent birthday.  Not many people showed up to my drive-in party, but I’m not particularly surprised.  I know my “circle of friends” has dwindled drastically in the past three years.  It ended up pretty much just being four of us (Me, Army, Texas, and her boyfriend) for the whole two movies. My mother and one of my brothers popping in for a bit to see the first one. 

There was a lot of food thrown at me during the day.  That was hard to deal with.  Mom insisted on taking me out to breakfast and I struggled with looking like I ate more than a couple mouthfuls.  For an early dinner (I skipped lunch), I went out with Texas and the boys to a local Turkish restaurant that I really like.  And I was completely suckered in by the lamb chops I ordered.  But I skipped most of the appetizer and didn’t eat any of the cupcakes I baked for the drive-in.  I was good.

I felt awkward in the dress I wore, since it was shorter and clingier than I tend to wear. Though everyone said they liked it.  Texas’ boyfriend actually made a weirdly big deal out of complimenting me which felt strange. 

The movies were both good (Iron Man 3 and Oz). 

Army was very affectionate almost the whole time.  Total surprise since he’s not normally like that at all.  Even at the drive-in when there were a bunch of people around.  He’s told me in the past that he doesn’t like “PDA”.  Then he came home with me and spent the night. 

The sex was decent that night, but I think I was sort of withdrawing and worried it would be like Thursday night’s.  But Sunday morning I got a real bday present of my first oral-based orgasm.  I should probably mention that I’m a big fan of morning sex, so that probably made a big difference.  That and he just really…really…really wouldn’t give up.  It was different, but not bad I guess. I dunno.  I’m sort of unnerved by it.

He left pretty soon after that and I went to Mom’s for a bit to check on Zoe and puppies, who she pet-sat for me on Saturday so I wouldn’t have to worry about them.  The puppies are so very happy to run around her backyard.  It’s cute.  They also took a nap with me in the sunny grass, which was nice.

Today I’m feeling a wicked cold coming on (which I am thankful that it skipped my bday plans) and I’m mad at myself for missing Army a lot.  Well, not really for missing him.  I’ve done that before.  But for texting him and outlining more emotionally that he spoiled me these past couple days and that I wish I had a birthday more often so I could actually get that sort of attention from him more frequently.

I hate admitting that sort of need.

His response was actually sweet though.  He said he’s going to try and be closer to me in general from now on.  I think I like that idea.  I think.

We’ll see.

Wishes about Dad

I lied.  I do sort of have something to say.

I wish my dad was more like this dad or this great-with-acronyms-dad.

The ED is rampant today.  With my birthday being this weekend and a huge bash at a local drive-in movie theater being planned by Texas, I’m feeling fat, ugly, and just….awful.  I just want to not touch food until after Saturday night.

But I know I can’t do that and still keep this struggle a secret.  I have so many social events over the next 4 days.  And birthday dinners with various relatives.

I’m trying not to go crazy.

But it’s hard.

I just wish I had someone to be my rock, my raft, my life vest.

Well.  I wish my father would.  That he could even consider it.
I don’t understand why I try so hard to be a Daddy’ Girl, even though I know it will never happen.  But I always try.

I try to be that daughter he can be proud of.

And that’s why this must remain a secret.

Update (relating to puppies)

Hey all.

I don’t have much to say about myself right now.  I’m not bad, but not good.  Very much in a limbo state.

Work has been a wicked stresser lately and Army and I are apparently fighting (perhaps more on that later, if I feel like it).

But today is Texas’s birthday, so we’re celebrating later.  I am determined to remain positive and be a good friend.

And the puppies have officially opened their eyes and are moving around my kitchen (their “nook” that I’ve blocked off), attempting play, exploring, bugging the shit out of Zoe.

Here are some pics for you lovely bloggers…

I promise to have better ones soon.  My phone takes pretty crummy pics, I know.

Hope all of you are doing well!

Scattered

A scattered weekend.

I spent some of it with Texas and a chunk of it with Army.  The distraction of friends was nice.

But I am worried about the direction of things.  Like I always am when things get too intimate.  I want to skitter back.  I want to run.  I want to bolt.

Army’s roommates are moving to Connecticut.  They’re giving him a little over 2 months to find a new place.

And he asked me to move with him.

Technically my lease isn’t up at that time, but there have been such fuckups made by the landlord/property management that I can easily get out of this lease whenever I want with some legal magic dancing.  And Army knows this.

He says he wants us to get a house.

Half of my head lights up with blaring neon sirens.

The other half murmurs dreamily as images of a backyard and bigger kitchen spin lazily around.

I think about before.  He swears the issues I had with him have all changed.  I think about the good aspects.  I miss them.

But I don’t think I deserve to play house.  With anyone.  I don’t deserve a healthy relationship.

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I thought about Jeff a lot this weekend.  I’m not sure why.  Texas mentioned something to me that had me worried about him.  I know I fucked things up.  I know I don’t deserve to even be around him.
And I know that I can’t be anything close to what he needs.

But before we tried (and I destroyed) that whole romantic possibility, we were friends.  For almost a decade.  And close friends for the last four years.

I miss him.

I miss having someone I could just be honest with.  I know it completely blew up in my face (and my mind tells me never ever to trust to that degree again), but I can’t help but push that fact aside.

I just want to make sure he’s all right.  And that things are good with him.  He deserves that.

All I cause is pain.

I don’t want to cause that anymore.

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There’s blood in my mouth ’cause I’ve been biting my tongue all week.
I keep on talking trash, but I never say anything.

And the talking leads to touching,
And the touching leads to sex,
And then there is no mystery left.

And it’s bad news, baby I’m bad news
I’m just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I’m alone if I’m with or without you,
But just being around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams,
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you,
And I call you and say “C’mere!”

And it’s bad news, baby I’m bad news
I’m just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it’s bad news, baby it’s bad news
It’s just bad news, bad news, bad news
‘Cause you’re just damage control
For a walking corpse like me,
Like you,
‘Cause we’ll all be portions for foxes.
Yeah, we’ll all be portions for foxes.

There’s a pretty young thing in front of you
And she’s real pretty, and she’s real into you
And then she’s sleepin’ inside of you.

And the talking leads to touching,
then the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left.

And it’s bad news. I don’t blame you,
I do the same thing. I get lonely too.
And you’re bad news; my friends tell me to leave you,
That you’re bad news, bad news, bad news

You’re bad news, baby you’re bad news
And you’re bad news, baby you’re bad news

And you’re bad news
I don’t care, I like you
And you’re bad news
I don’t care, I like you
I like you

-Portions for Foxes by Rilo Kiley

Baby Steps

I think I really am going to try being single.  For reals. 

it’s probably going to suck, but perhaps- just perhaps- it may be awesome and enlightening and I will get to know me better.  It’s been awhile since I’ve done the whole single thing for real.

And besides the whole Craig being weird thing, there are some other things that the Universe I think is using to try and tell me to stop doing the whole dating thing.

#1
I am super sick.  Out of nowhere yesterday, I just started feeling like I’d been beaten up and my head hurt.  Then all last night I had a high fever and this morning I had to take a pile of drugs in order to go to work.  In fact, such a pile that I had to be driven to work as I didn’t trust myself to drive.
(I think I’ve mentioned before that ephedrine is magic 😉 )
Sick on Vday??? How strange!  Also, I doubt I’ll be feeling better enough to go on a stupid date with Craig tomorrow night.

#2
Stupid Craig texted me this morning bitching about feeling “under the weather” and that he called off work.  I feel like a bitch, but I have little sympathy considering I was up all night with a fever of 102 and still dragged my butt to work today.  Granted, that’s mostly because I need the money and there are other people in my department that took today off, so I would get a mark on my record for not coming in (and possibly fired).  But I really don’t want to play the whole nursing/sympathy thing with Craig feeling ill.  I suck at it and I know it’s selfish, but I hate doing it.  I really have to care about someone before I’ll play nurses aid to their ailments.  It’s not that I’m actively trying to be a bitch, I just hate illness and I was never “taken care of” as a child when I was sick, so I have absolutely no clue how to go about doing that whole thing.  The most I’ve ever done is brought Texas and Germany meds or special food/drink.  I think I made soup for Army once.  But I don’t do much in that whole department.  Not my thing.  Sorry Craig- barking up the wrong tree.

#3
My coworker that I’m starting to become good friends with- ahem I should take a leaf out of Weegee’s book and actually give her a blog-name- let’s go with…Hannah.  Not sure why.  Not even close to her real name.  I just like that name.   Anyway, Hannah reminds me of Germany a lot.  She’s really smart, doesn’t take shit, hilarious, and has a healthy interest in men and booze.  However, she’s had the same sort of crummy luck that I have with men lately.  We’ve been comparing notes for weeks and laughing about our similar disappointments.  Today she asked if I would want to go get drinks tonight to celebrate being unattached, single, and fantabuloso.  I told her I most certainly would like to.  She said she’d text me when she gets off her evening job, which should be at about 8.  I’m sort of proud of myself for being excited about it.

#4
Zoe.  I don’t really need to go into this much, I’m sure.  Ya’ll know how much I adore my lil’ puppy kid.  She is my world and I love her.  It said a lot that she didn’t like Craig.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to pursue a relationship with a person my dog dislikes.  Simple as that.

So, baby steps.  I can do this.  I think as long as I remain semi-social, I can manage being single.

-crosses fingers-

Flooding

This weekend was hard.

It pushed me further than I’ve had to go in a long time.

I knew it was going to be rough. Some part of me had the foresight to pack only a couple pills (for medical, not mental emergencies) and make sure the blades were left at home.

It’s hard for me to talk about the trip in great detail. I think I’m still in a sensitive, semi-triggered state. I’ve been letting friends and family talk to me without talking much back. Unusual.
I did some necessary shopping today because my dramatic weight loss over the past couple weeks has left me with next to no essentials that fit.

I feel like I’m just ghosting through life right now.

I was flooded on the vacation…

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They just want to go on the waterslides that are enclosed tunnels. I try to make excuses. They won’t hear it. The lifeguard only briefly checks to see we’re seated properly and holding the safety straps before shoving us into the hole.
I am shaking and shivering when they half pull me out of the pool at the bottom. My eyes blink, expression dead, as they ask if I’m cold. I plead a migraine (not a complete lie) and return to the suite to take an emergency pill and nap.

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The next day it is easier to sneak away. One of the girls, we’ll call her Kritter (a nickname of her’s), finds me curled up in a giant chair away from the gaggles of children, reading a book. She sits next to me.
She decides the best topic of conversation is a mix of exes, sex, and childhood abuse. I stare as she talks about it so easily.
“So what’s Katherine up to these days?” Kritter asks.
I fracture into pieces of longing, of hate, of rage, of determined disinterest. It is the most separate we’ve been since managing to become the alliance that is Pen.
How does She always manage to split us into nastiness?

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It is much later that Kritter brings up Army.  I talk about him distantly at first.  Then a realization slips into my mind in the middle of my thought.  I stop mid-sentence and she tilts her head, asking if I’m okay.
“I think…I just realized I care about him way more than I thought I did. I think…I may…” I stop before letting the flood overcome me.  Kritter smiles.
“It’s nice to realize when you’ve fallen for someone.”
No. No. No. It may be for you. It sends me into a horrified fear-induced state of panic as we struggle to force back the flood of affection and put the wall of apathy back in place.  We are hollow.  We care for no one.

_________

There were some other incidents that I can’t really get into right now.

Things are evening out a bit, but I’m still struggling.

I know I’m slipping into that self-sabotage (Charlotte pushing to help) as Army messages me about seeing “The Hobbit” this weekend and I balk.  My reply is wary and distant.
And either it’s worked or Army’s just ignoring it because he hasn’t replied yet at all.

That’s fine.  A weekend alone sounds better anyway.

(liar liar liar liar liar liar liar)

I despise being broken and crazy.