Marrying the mental and the mischief

It always surprises me how aspects of my kink related play marry to other aspects of myself.

Let me back up briefly.

 It’s about to get a bit personal.

I have struggled with an eating disorder for over the past decade, though I am now medically considered recovered. I was hospitalized for it back in my late teens and it has influenced some of my current medical conditions.

My relationship with food is still complicated. Especially around holidays like Thanksgiving. I have to navigate a prickly maze of thorn-laden hedges in my brain to merely sit down with family and eat a plateful of food.

I deal with it in my day-to-day life mostly by grazing. It tricks my brain and those darkly creeping thoughts to only eating a little at a time. It’s the plates full of food in front of other people that sets off that siren screaming in my head. Calling the cruel goddess Ana to my brain with her poisoned words and glittering sharp teeth. Just a couple pounds less. Always just a couple less.
Her demand of sacrifice is a throwback to the days of pagans gathered around an unfortunate virgin, knives gleaming.

But I have found a surprising weapon in the community and exploration of kink. Not just the support I receive from friends and mentors when the dark thoughts curl around my feet, but also the play itself.



The subspace is untouchable by Ana. It is a thickly layered brick maze that she cannot navigate. The stinging of a flogger, the thudding of a paddle, they add barbed wire to those brick walls. The rip of tape, the slithering sound of rope, the zap of electricity…

All of these things are soothing to me. They bring me to a place that I cannot bring myself. 

It may seem unorthodox, and I’m sure the average mental-health professional would be floored by the therapy I get from play. After hitting subspace, I haven’t the inclination or motivation to count calories or restrict myself.



The food I put in my mouth after a scene is so goddamn guilt-free delicious.

Hell of a drug – Elavil

Since I am mainly in the mental-health blog circle here on WordPress, with the occasional floating follower from somewhere else (that I also love!) I wanted to share my brief experience with the drug Elavil.

I was actually not prescribed it for merely mental-health reasons.  It was mostly prescribed because it has been showed to be effective for migraines and chronic pain treatment (both issues I have).  It is also used as an anti-depressant, depression being something I also struggle with (surprise, surprise).

My doctor was interested in trying it because it’s main side effect is acute drowsiness, and she knows I struggled badly with insomnia.
She gave me a prescription for a 75mg dose last week (30 pills with refills) and told me to wait until the holiday weekend to test it out. She knew my previous experience with pills that cause “drowsiness”. They knock me out like a freight train within 20 minutes.

I waited until Thursday night, after I had picked at both my father’s and mother’s Thanksgiving meals.  I took it at about 9pm, stayed surprisingly coherent until around midnight.

It didn’t exactly cause drowsiness after midnight…

I was practically narcoleptic for the next 24+ hours.

Poor Shadow Dragon and Puppy had to deal with me staggering to the kitchen for water a couple times, only to almost fall asleep standing up.  I then meandered back to my room, popped in a movie to “try and keep me awake” and promptly fell asleep.

Army is texting me regularly to try and let me know what he plans for us for our two-day weekend extravaganza.  I reply every four hours or so, causing him concern.  It probably didn’t help that my texted replies were vague, riddled with typos/autocorrects, and practically incomprehensible.  He finally asks if I’m drunk or something.  I manage to tell him about the new drug I’m trying (that I am never taking it again) but that I’m worried it will not wear off by Saturday morning when I’m supposed to drive to his place.

Army calmly reassures me that he’ll pick me up if I don’t feel comfortable driving.  I don’t reply that it isn’t that I’m worried about a bit of foggy mental abilities- but the ability to remain in an upright position.

Fortunately, the sleepiness wears off by 9:30am on Saturday morning.

Unfortunately, my muscles are even more sore, tight, and throbbing than usual.  Probably because when I’m this drug-induced semi-coma, I do not move except for the awful nightmares this Elavil-demon causes, which cause me to twitch spasmodically.

Here’s a chart to help you break down how awesome (not) this drug is.  It’s a pie chart because I’m hungry.  For pie.

Notice the supposed “drowsiness” and “anti-depressant” effects have been replaced with the real effects of “narcoleptic semi-coma” and “nightmare inducing”, respectively.

Now to daydream about pie.