Unworthy

Maybe it’s because I would have been a shitty mom. Maybe that’s why. Shitty women don’t deserve babies. Crazy women don’t deserve babies.

That’s what I’ve learned from this first episode.

Bad women don’t deserve babies.

I didn’t deserve her.

She

She is supposed to live three states away.

She is supposed to have no friends to visit.

She is supposed to be long gone. A figment.

A long ago relic of my foggy past.

It is a lie.

It’s always a lie.

She still knows my passion for Halloween. For this charity event. She knows. She always knows where to be. How to twist the knife.

It’s been almost 4 years.

My body retches. My mind flutters. Every single fucking stride I’ve made over these past months…

Dissolves.

Breaks.

Shatters.

Those ice blue eyes see right into me. The lips curve with sadistic glee as she recognizes the switching. The shattering. The fracturing.

The chatter of friends is faint. I know, distantly, that they are trying to bring me back.

I am briefly grounded by the warmth I feel at Army and Rogers not only getting along well, but both attempting wholeheartedly to bring me back around.

She speaks about many things. Mostly mundane. It is only as I start to duck out (she notices how early I am leaving) that her mouth forms poison. It begins innocently enough.

“Are you here with Army?”

I manage an affirmative. Her eyes narrow.

“I thought you were done with that immature phase.”

I hear a whispering of what isn’t said. My stomach shrivels, my throat dries.

My cowardice is still strong with her.

I run.

Triggers of pregnancy

I knew this would happen.

I mean, that I would eventually be triggered.

I didn’t expect it to be in this way….

________

So of course I have to tell Army about Zoe being pregnant.  I mean, not only is he like- lets say a godfather to her, but he’s over at my place occasionally.  He’s gonna notice at some point.

I expected him to be annoyed at me for not keeping a better eye on Zoe.

He was not.

He is ecstatic.  He is begging me to contact him the moment I know she’s in labor so he can be there.  He wants to help her as much as possible.

Everything just….just the complete opposite of how he responded to me a year and a half ago.

So now I mean less than a dog.  And puppies are much more important than a-

No.

I won’t say it.

If I don’t say it, then it isn’t real.

I feel that fracturing and I don’t want it.  I can’t have it.

splits and cracks and bones and blood and lets hurt him- lets maim him.  like he maimed us.  have the blood and the pain and the hurt-

I have too much to do.  I have to work on getting a car.  I have to keep things afloat at work-

Has she told you how work is going?  I am doing my best to keep things from falling apart, but the program is going badly and turnover is decreasing exponentially.  There is a high chance that I will have to shoulder the blame.  Despite it not being remotely my fault.  I may end up being fired.  I cannot be fired.  I do not get fired.  I am good at my job.  I am an excellent multi-tasker with exceptional attention to detail.  I am highly motivated by deadlines and task lists-

I don’t want to fracture.  I don’t want to start losing time again.  I just want to be normal.

But I don’t want to listen to him coo and smile over her.  I don’t want to hear that.  I don’t want to watch it.  I can’t.  I can’t.  I can’t.

Don’t worry.  You won’t have to.

Zoe

I recently found out Zoe is pregnant.

I’m not exactly sure how, since I watch her like a hawk constantly.  Well, I mean I do know how, I just don’t know when it could have happened.

But it did.

I have mixed feelings.

I can’t help but smile whenever I feel them kicking, poking, or squirming in there.  It invokes that part of me I thought died.

But invoking that part of me has also been triggering as hell and I can feel myself fighting to fracture and self-destruct.

I’m trying to focus on the positive.

Also: puppies are cute!

I didn’t want to be rude and take a pic of just her tummy area. Trust me, she’s slightly tubby now. In a cute preggo way.

She’s also super affectionate and cuddly lately. More so than usual. And less active.

“A Paramedic’s Story” – review

Grey (my brother) lent me this book a bit ago and I just finished it today.
________________

“A Paramedic’s Story” by Steven “Kelly” Grayson is not so much a single narrative story as it is chopped up bits and excerpts from his EMT and paramedic experiences.

I decided to read it, despite my triggery issues with the medical industry.  Mostly because of Army, who is a EMT in the middle of getting his paramedic certification.  Kelly, the author and narrator of these collection of stories, has the exact same snarky, cocky, but heart-of-gold attitude that Army does.

It’s a good book.  It’s well-written and the humorous but caring way Kelly describes his various calls is entertaining while still being fulfilling.
I will warn anyone interested in checking it out though- Kelly is liberal with his medical talk.  He only explains the most complicated terminology and assumes that you must be at least semi-aware of some of the basic and intermediate terms.
There were a lot of texts to Army along the lines of “Why does this guy keep giving something called ‘nebulizer cocktail’ to his pickups? Especially from nursing homes.”

The last chapter did throw me for a loop.  Still having a bit of trouble from it.  Let’s say it combined my medical-trigger with my babies-trigger.  I still consider it a highly worthwhile read.

It also helped me sort things out about how I feel about Army.  I think I could be okay with a possible step forward.  This book has me feeling a bit “extra connected”, if that makes any sense.

Of course, now I have the problem of trying to figure out what on earth to read next…

Windchimes again

Perhaps this is what the warning was for.

Everything going sideways.

I think it was from Audrey.  I’m so sorry Audrey.  I’m sorry for everything that happened to you, for everything you went through.

I understand why you went away.

Sometimes I think about joining you.

Sometimes I think we should all join you.

But I know that’s wrong and bad.
It’s just…everything She did…everything She didn’t.
I don’t understand how it means nothing to Kit and Midori and Serefina.  We lost Audrey over everything She did.  Sweet, soft, gentle Audrey.  Audrey who only ever loved with every bit of herself as deeply as she could.
And all it did was hurt her.  And destroy her.

Then there was Cordelia.  Our darling. Our light. Our life. Two against the world.
…I didn’t know my heart could break this much.  And now the anniversary is approaching, rearing it’s ugly head and reminding us of all the ways we aren’t good enough.

Rika has a theory that Audrey and I are twinned (Shadow Dragon talks about that concept occasionally).  I guess I can see that.  It would explain why I only have felt like half of a whole since she’s been gone.

Maybe if I keep talking to her…if I don’t act like she is gone…maybe Audrey will come back.  She could come back and fix everything…

Itchy

Forgot codeine makes me so effin itchy.

Shoulda taken the vicodin.

But needed something to make the others calm their shit down. Way too rough and switchy of a night. Hell, weekend.

Kit cannot keep this shit together like she used too.

Something needs to change. I’m going to run out of pills if I have to keep self-medicating at this rate.

We need to take stock and figure out our options. In the morning. Right now, we all need to sleep.

If I could just stop feeling so damn itchy!

Milk

Someone in the system decided to drink a glass or two of milk.  I’m not sure who.  The only reason we even have milk is for cooking (I use it for some of my baking).

I read somewhere that humans are all, to some extent, lactose intolerant, it’s just a matter of how badly.

Wait. Claire is telling me to back up and explain. Excuse me, I wasn’t aware of how much is known.

Milk causes our stomach to get extremely upset.  Not in an upchuck way. The other end. This is a trigger for us.
Someone (not sure who…) was triggered by reading a friend’s entry earlier today about toilet phobias and issues  (side note: this is NOT the friend’s fault. We are entirely aware of this trigger. It was stupid to not be prepared for the possibility).

So now we get to spend hours in the bathroom. Thankfully no one except the dogs are in the apartment, but it still puts us on edge.  Especially because it is an apartment complex, so technically someone could hear us….

badgirlbadgirlbadgirlbadgirlbadgirl need to be a lady otherwise we have to stay in the bad place if you wanna be a thing then youll be treated as a thing

Ahem. Excuse me. Anyway, it’s been very upsetting.  Since I’m the one who can best handle being alone in one place without much entertainment for long periods, I drew the mental “short straw”.
Whoever first had to deal with the upset stomach feeling had the presence of mind to grab the netbook before absconding to the bathroom, so I thought I’d try my hand at writing one of these things.

I really hope the stomach pills we took will kick in soon.  I’d much rather be playing piano.

-Midori