Sweet sweet sabotage

I don’t deserve happiness.  I don’t deserve healthiness.  I don’t deserve love.

None of the glittering candy-spun things in the world are meant for a worthless girl.

I shatter the pieces of my already fractured life further.  What’s the point? The fates, the angels, the gods, the demons, they all whisper the same thing.

worthlessuglyliarnastycrazy

I feel crazy. The shadows curl around me like a mantle and I wear it with my smiling lacquered mask of acceptance.

Worthless Shadow Girls should not be receiving support or love.

I pushpushpush Army away. I know the perfect insults, the chinks in the armor.

I always know.

He refuses to hear me.  He says he won’t listen until I’m sober.

I know what he really means.

crazyworthlessuglyliar

My skin is too tight. 

scratchitchgouge

I glance at the two small boxes on my nightstand.  Their innards wink at me in shining steel.

What a worthless way to start the new year.

But that self sabotage tastes so sweet.

Case of the Uglies

I’m feeling really awful today.

First of all, I’ve been feeling really fat and ugly lately. I suppose it’s the season and the whole Winter Blues thing.  It’s been leading to a bit of craziness.  I haven’t been eating much, though I’m trying not to let it get to dangerous levels. That’s been hard. I’ve also been a bit harsh with the beauty regime; using toner and cleanser and an expensive overnight cream.

Then Mom asked me to house-sit and watch my youngest brother for the next couple days. Tonight while he and I were watching a movie, he told me some nasty and hateful things his dad (my stepfather) said to him about me.  My brother is thirteen years old.  And I’ve always been polite and helpful to him.  I don’t think I deserve such underhanded and rude trash talking.

But maybe I do….

I’m trying really hard not to self-harm. I’ve been so good the past couple weeks.

But tonight is hard.

I don’t think I’m strong enough.