Tag Archives: weekend

Weekend Summary

(Slight bit of sex-talk, FYI)

I just want to sort of summarize this past weekend.

I had a pretty decent birthday.  Not many people showed up to my drive-in party, but I’m not particularly surprised.  I know my “circle of friends” has dwindled drastically in the past three years.  It ended up pretty much just being four of us (Me, Army, Texas, and her boyfriend) for the whole two movies. My mother and one of my brothers popping in for a bit to see the first one. 

There was a lot of food thrown at me during the day.  That was hard to deal with.  Mom insisted on taking me out to breakfast and I struggled with looking like I ate more than a couple mouthfuls.  For an early dinner (I skipped lunch), I went out with Texas and the boys to a local Turkish restaurant that I really like.  And I was completely suckered in by the lamb chops I ordered.  But I skipped most of the appetizer and didn’t eat any of the cupcakes I baked for the drive-in.  I was good.

I felt awkward in the dress I wore, since it was shorter and clingier than I tend to wear. Though everyone said they liked it.  Texas’ boyfriend actually made a weirdly big deal out of complimenting me which felt strange. 

The movies were both good (Iron Man 3 and Oz). 

Army was very affectionate almost the whole time.  Total surprise since he’s not normally like that at all.  Even at the drive-in when there were a bunch of people around.  He’s told me in the past that he doesn’t like “PDA”.  Then he came home with me and spent the night. 

The sex was decent that night, but I think I was sort of withdrawing and worried it would be like Thursday night’s.  But Sunday morning I got a real bday present of my first oral-based orgasm.  I should probably mention that I’m a big fan of morning sex, so that probably made a big difference.  That and he just really…really…really wouldn’t give up.  It was different, but not bad I guess. I dunno.  I’m sort of unnerved by it.

He left pretty soon after that and I went to Mom’s for a bit to check on Zoe and puppies, who she pet-sat for me on Saturday so I wouldn’t have to worry about them.  The puppies are so very happy to run around her backyard.  It’s cute.  They also took a nap with me in the sunny grass, which was nice.

Today I’m feeling a wicked cold coming on (which I am thankful that it skipped my bday plans) and I’m mad at myself for missing Army a lot.  Well, not really for missing him.  I’ve done that before.  But for texting him and outlining more emotionally that he spoiled me these past couple days and that I wish I had a birthday more often so I could actually get that sort of attention from him more frequently.

I hate admitting that sort of need.

His response was actually sweet though.  He said he’s going to try and be closer to me in general from now on.  I think I like that idea.  I think.

We’ll see.

Alone With You

I don’t see you laugh
You don’t call me back
But you kiss me when you’re drunk

I don’t know your friends
Don’t know where you’ve been
Why are you the one I want

Don’t put your lips up to my mouth and tell me you can’t stay
Don’t slip your hand under my shirt and tell me it’s okay
Don’t say it doesn’t mater cause it’s gonna matter to me

I can’t be alone with
You’ve got me out on the edge every time you call
And I know it would kill me if I fall
I can’t be alone with you

Pleas don’t chain that door
I can’t win this war
Your body’s like a pill I shouldn’t take

Don’t put your lips up to my mouth and tell me you can’t stay
Don’t slip your hand under my shirt and tell me it’s okay
Don’t say it doesn’t mater cause it’s gonna matter to me

I can’t be alone with
You’ve got me out on the edge every time you call
And I know it would kill me if I fall
I can’t be alone with you

I can’t be alone with you

Don’t put your lips up to my mouth and tell me you can’t stay
Don’t slip your hand under my shirt and tell me it’s okay
Don’t say you’re gone love me cause you’re gonna love me and leave

I can’t be alone with
You’ve got me out on the edge every time you call
And I know it would kill me if I fall
I can’t be alone with you

I don’t see you laugh
You don’t call me back
But you kiss me when you’re drunk
-Alone with You, Jake Owen

This weekend has my head spinning and my emotions tied in knots.

I spent Friday night with Army.  Every time I let him back in a bit of me always feels resigned to pain.  I don’t think this is how relationships should be.   But I don’t think I deserve any better.  I don’t think I want anyone else.

I’m not sure where I stand or where to go from here.

I am lost.

Friday Reflection

Good news:  My coworker/mentor really liked the necklace.  And she was floored to find out I made it, which is a high compliment from her (she’s very chic and buys most of her clothes and jewelry from very high-end stores).

Bad news: I started my period.

Bad news: The cramps are really bad this time around (the cramps are debilitating about every 3rd or 4th period I’ve had since the miscarriage.  Probably not a good thing, but I hate doctors looking anywhere near my naughty bits.)

Good news: The coffee shop downstairs had ice cream.

Good news: And pickles

Good news: It’s Friday!

Good news: I’m done with work

Good news: My coworker gave me six free tickets to a comedy show for Sunday night

Bad news: I’m having trouble finding anyone to go with me…

Bad news: This period thing is gonna make my weekend suck…

And that is my current tally of pros and cons for the day. I’m trying to not feel down, as that is a lot of pros.

In which I almost get fired

I had a dream Saturday that I got fired.

Last week we signed these new Federal Personal Information Privacy agreements that basically means that we cannot leave a single client file in our desk drawer any longer.  All files must be returned to the centralized locking cabinet by the end of the business day (or any time I am not present at my desk- i.e. a break).

It’s been frustrating as hell.

Oh, and did I mention that if we don’t adhere, we can get fired?

Back to Saturday night.  I dreamed that I got fired because I left a file in my drawer over the holiday weekend.

When I woke up Sunday, I realized that I had actually left a file in my drawer Wednesday.  Accidentally, of course.  I proceed to freak out- causing Army to try and calm me down and remind me that nothing can be done until Monday morning anyway.
(Sidenote: yes, we spent most of the weekend with Army.  Being that romance is not my area however, I will leave it someone else to update the blog with a post regarding that. It was a pleasant weekend besides the bad dream though.)

This morning rolls around and when Texas calls me on my way to work, asking me to swing by her place after, I joke that it may be earlier than my normal quitting time as I might be getting fired today.  I seem calm but inside I am screaming, crying, hating myself.  It takes a lot of strength between myself and Rika to not let Victoria or Daria take this self-hatred out physically.  But the recent pact with Army is still fresh for most of us (more on that in the future).

When I reach my office, I immediately check my desk drawer.  Perhaps I am incorrect in my memory and I really did properly restore the file to the central cabinet last Wednesday.  I am not a superstitious alter, but I cross my fingers anyway.

A file sits calmly on top; so obvious; so conniving; yelling for a supervisor to find it and terminate me.

I quickly open Microsoft Outlook on my computer and check my email.  No stern emails from my supervisor.  I scan my desk.  No post-its about seeing him.

I do a normal perusal of the department’s calendar and notice my Saving Grace.

“[Supervisor] attending Ohio Housing Conference all day”

I may be starting to lean a little more towards Roms’ theories of there being a “bigger picture” now.

I also quickly create a post-it with garish colors and big blocky letters: “CHECK”.  I tape it above my desk drawers.  I will notice it every day before I leave.

I will not be fired over being a scatterbrain.  I am better than that.

Risks of romance

Things are taking a strange turn with Army. Technically good, but that has half of the system trying to backpedal as quickly as they can.

There is something about being being treated sweetly and wooed that always has red flags raising in this head of mine.

First Army goes to Horrorama with me and is absolutely wonderful. I spend the night at his place after and it feels way too good to be held by him again.
Red Flag #1

Then he invites me to dinner on Halloween, but his job sending him on an extra call causes him to stand me up. I am upset. He spends hours texting me all sorts of sweet and apologetic things until I can’t even manage mild annoyance.
Red Flag #2

This past weekend I had a bit of a rotten time and though he’s technically on shift, he again spends hours texting supportive and endearing messages.
Red Flag #3

Tonight he takes me out to a movie and afterwards we fool around a bit in his car. During the whole “heat of the moment” timespan, he says some surprisingly deep and romantic things about missing me, needing me, wishing we still lived together, and being thankful that I gave him a “second chance”.
Red Flag #4

I go with it during- mostly because Charlotte is fronting and she’s eating it up. But Daria, Rika, and Victoria are all getting on edge together.
Sidenote: I never noticed the “anti-romance” alters’ names all end in “a”. Interesting.

Anyway, when we part ways, there is some serious talking in the peanut gallery/system during my whole drive home.

Victoria just finished texting him confirming that he meant what he said in his car. He’s adamant he feels that way and hinted about things changing and that we “need to talk in person”.

And now my head is a twister.

Uniballer taught us long ago that wooing and sudden sweet talk only leads to manipulation and heartbreak.

But Army’s never been the manipulating type. But he usually so emotionally stunted that we can barely deal. That is not “deep relationship” material. But maybe he’s seeing things differently.
We’ve had friends and Mom tell us that Army and I moving into separate places has made him realize he misses me when he took me for granted before.

But why? We don’t deserve to be missed or needed. And we certainly didn’t deserve the second chance that was ours, not his, as he seems to think.

Our insides are so broken, crazy-glued, and delicate that how is it possible to consider entrusting another person with even a part of that again?

It was mere weeks ago that we were reminded of the lesson of lies men feed us to try and gain trust. A lesson we should be well versed in.

So why is my heart jumping and clenching at the idea? Is that excitement or abject terror?


I got the new tattoo!

And I got my previous one touched up- the outline fixed and the butterfly color’s changed a bit.

It was, honestly, one of the most painful experiences of my life.  I learned the wrist is an extremely painful place for me when it comes to tattoos apparently.  I’m hoping it isn’t going to need touched up because I’m not sure I can go through that again.

It’s caused a bit of turmoil in the system, which surprises me.
The fox/butterfly tattoo didn’t cause any turmoil at all- if anything, it sort of brought us more together.

But there’s something about this new one that’s causing issues.
It was made clear when we figured out the design that the treble clef is for our love of music in general, not just Midori’s piano playing.  And the rune Algiz is not just a religious related symbol for Roms.  We’ve purposefully designed both our tattoos to have multiple meanings because we are a multiple system.

I am sad that we seem to have failed on this account- especially since I was so involved in figuring out the design and location.

Here are some pictures for you though.  Keep in mind they were taken with a crummy phone camera before they’ve healed.  Once they are good and healed, I’ll take some better ones.

The new one- a combination of a treble clef and the rune Algiz


The previous one after being touched-up.


Clash of the Alters

We’re having a bit of a debate over what to do this weekend.

Serefina and Rika think we need to work on packing up our stuff to move and starting to get stuff stored at the father’s house.

Claire has made tentative plans with Jeff, but she’s the only one who wants to keep those.  Some of the others got skittish with how close he’s trying to get to us so quickly.

Roms wants to go over to one of our closest friends’ house- we’ll call her “Texas” (she’s from Texas).  We haven’t hung out with Texas in awhile and in addition to being one of our closest friends, she’s one of our few “Pagan friends” (hence why Roms probably wants to hang out with her).

Armes and myself just want to stay home all weekend, though I suppose that’s not a big surprise.  But I feel it might be extra-important due to our crazy week. I’m not sure if socializing is a wise idea right now. But then Roms argues that this new alter who’s done crazy stuff doesn’t come out around other people at all.
Fair point.

Charlotte obviously wants to figure out a way to have sex.  She won’t touch Jeff, so she hates Claire’s idea, and everyone else’s because they don’t involve any males.

Ahh, the life of a multiple.


Trust Issues and Relationships

Charlotte may think she botched things the other night but that’s only because she is mostly a sexual sort of girl and that was just not the right direction.

We’ve known Jeff for a while. In fact, he’s one of the first people I did my first “coming out” around when I first remember being a conscious alter.
I’ve always had a special place for Jeff. It was me who asked Roms to text and apologize when Charlotte stepped out of line a couple days ago.

And he did text back; saying it was surprising, but fine.

We spent this past weekend together.

It was amazing. I was the lucky one who remained out most of the weekend (with the exception of Charlotte poking out during some intense making out).
There was no sex. Though there was…affection. It just sort of happened. We were watching movies and there was this magnet. It was delicious. We haven’t been so simply and tenderly caressed like that in years.  I don’t know if any of you have hear the song by Poe called “Fingertips”?  It was exactly like that.

Army is all about “wham, bam, thank  you ma’am”  (and that’s even pushing it with the ‘thank you’ part).

I tried to tell Jeff it wasn’t needed and he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to.

But he just understands us so well. In fact, we confessed the whole DID/MPD thing to him the other night.  It wasn’t intended.  Just sort of got pulled out of us.
He took it really well. Asked for simple explanations, then was accepting but not with the attitude of “ohhh, that explains EVERYthing!” that is always a trigger for us.

There are VERY few personal friends that know about our condition. It’s not something we just trust with anyone.

And the fact that Charlotte actually backed off and felt guilty the other night? That says a lot. She only feels that way when-

She says I’m “emotionally charmed” by him.

Maybe I am.

I think we may be tentatively seeing each other. I’m so bad with the whole dating world that I don’t understand that stuff, but Jeff promised to be gentle and understanding. He said especially in light of realizing our condition.

I’m terrified to make that trusting leap.

Last time we did…

We lost everything.