Thankful

This post is a huge thank you.

A thank you to my blog friends, who sent me lovely emails and pictures to cheer me up.

From Sortaginger – a laugh and a smile  (and MintyThings was nice enough to direct me to a whole website of cute manatee pictures!!)

 

 

 

Another one from SortaGinger – she can really work those meme generators like magic. I’ve never had my name on one 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the wonderful VwoopVwoop even drew me a picture.  It’s going on my fridge.  Once I can get a color ink printout to do it justice.

She even got the spotted one perfectly!

I feel very warm and fuzzy to have such lovely supportive friends.  So many of you emailed me.  It meant a lot.  I never thought this could be a place where I could reach out and get that support.

I also had some great real-life friends reach out as best they could.  Sometimes I don’t give them enough credit because I’m not forthright or honest about my mental-health 99% of the time.  But that isn’t fair to them.  They can’t be psychic.

I wish there was a code word I could give friends and family that meant “I’m feeling bad mentally and need you to just sit and talk with me about bullshit because I really don’t want to get into it and have you judge the shit out of me and how messed up I am but I’m scared of what I’ll do if I’m alone right now.”

A mouthful, huh?
__________________________________________________________

My codeword internally used to be “windchimes”.

Also, funny story, I was talking to USAA the other day (a financial company where I have a bank account and my car insurance) and their normal security check system was down, so they had to ask me for my “pass code”.   I made this code over 5 years ago.  I started freaking out because how the heck am I supposed to remember a code I never use that I made so many years ago.
Then the rep said “I can give you a hint”.

I asked for it and she replied “Danger”.

I laughed and said “windchimes”.  The rep sort of chuckled and was like “That’s a strange association”.  I agreed.  But I know what it means.  It’s hardwired into me.
__________________________________________________________

Ahem.  That was a big tangent.

The point is, I’m doing better.  Not completely well, but better.  And I’m so thankful to all of you.

Lots of love,
Pen ❤ ❤ ❤

Windchimes again

Perhaps this is what the warning was for.

Everything going sideways.

I think it was from Audrey.  I’m so sorry Audrey.  I’m sorry for everything that happened to you, for everything you went through.

I understand why you went away.

Sometimes I think about joining you.

Sometimes I think we should all join you.

But I know that’s wrong and bad.
It’s just…everything She did…everything She didn’t.
I don’t understand how it means nothing to Kit and Midori and Serefina.  We lost Audrey over everything She did.  Sweet, soft, gentle Audrey.  Audrey who only ever loved with every bit of herself as deeply as she could.
And all it did was hurt her.  And destroy her.

Then there was Cordelia.  Our darling. Our light. Our life. Two against the world.
…I didn’t know my heart could break this much.  And now the anniversary is approaching, rearing it’s ugly head and reminding us of all the ways we aren’t good enough.

Rika has a theory that Audrey and I are twinned (Shadow Dragon talks about that concept occasionally).  I guess I can see that.  It would explain why I only have felt like half of a whole since she’s been gone.

Maybe if I keep talking to her…if I don’t act like she is gone…maybe Audrey will come back.  She could come back and fix everything…

Windchimes

Windchimes has been a codeword used by us, our system, and friends for over a decade now. It’s always been a serious sort of warning, a secret in-crowd sort of all-encompassing “there is danger ahead, check yourself”.

It was written on the inside of my car’s windshield tonight.

I don’t know how long it’s been there. It’s writen in the thin layer of smudgey grime that’s built up on my windshield since the thorough cleaning I gave it back in April. Because of this, the word is only truly visible at night when it’s hit just right by a streetlight or passing car’s headlights.

This is the first evening I’ve driven since last week. It could have been scrawled at any time over the past couple days.

I also have no idea what it’s referring to. My job? My health? Internal (switchy-type) stuff? I dunno.

I just know that when I think about it, I get this scary sinking feeling in my stomach.

And no one is fessing up.

Windchimes. A warning. A serious warning. I know none of my system would ever use that codeword as a joke.

But a warning for what?