WordPress just informed me that today is the anniversary of my blog.
This is bittersweet to hear.
I am in a bad place right now. After my last post, I was very very ill for three days (there is no glory in taking excessive laxatives).
I had hoped that I would be leaps and bounds better from where I was a year ago today. It doesn’t feel that way at all.
Honestly, I wish I could just fade away quietly. I am too cowardly and tired of the pain from the laxatives to do anything violent towards myself. But if I could just push a button and be gone…
However, taking a look at the positive:
I have so many wonderful new friends. You all are such great supports and I know I would be in a worse place now (perhaps even gone) if it weren’t for you. Yes, you.
I have learned so many things. Coping, support, just the mere empathizing has been a great thing.
I have laughed, I have cried, I have gasped in horror, I have shivered with excitement. Your lives have enriched mine- even over the seeming impersonal world of blogging and the internet.
Two days ago I almost shut down this blog. I am still scared, depressed, disgusted (with myself), exhausted, sad, angry, heartbroken and so much more.
But I have to remind myself all the good this blog has done. All the help it has provided me. And that it is okay to just take a step back sometimes.
It’s also okay to ask for help.
When I wanted to shut it down two days ago- it was because I was so scare to ask for help. I was so angry with myself for taking so many laxatives. I thought I deserved punishment. And you guys always make me feel better.
I wanted to shut down that support for good.
But I’m so glad I did not.
So happy anniversary to myself. And I hope I am able to stumble back onto my feet sometime soon.
Warm thoughts to all of you ❤ ❤ ❤