Where I am

WordPress just informed me that today is the anniversary of my blog.  

This is bittersweet to hear.

I am in a bad place right now.  After my last post, I was very very ill for three days (there is no glory in taking excessive laxatives).  

I had hoped that I would be leaps and bounds better from where I was a year ago today.  It doesn’t feel that way at all.  

Honestly, I wish I could just fade away quietly.  I am too cowardly and tired of the pain from the laxatives to do anything violent towards myself.  But if I could just push a button and be gone…
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However, taking a look at the positive:

I have so many wonderful new friends.  You all are such great supports and I know I would be in a worse place now (perhaps even gone) if it weren’t for you.  Yes, you.

I have learned so many things.  Coping, support, just the mere empathizing has been a great thing.

I have laughed, I have cried, I have gasped in horror, I have shivered with excitement.  Your lives have enriched mine- even over the seeming impersonal world of blogging and the internet.
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Two days ago I almost shut down this blog.  I am still scared, depressed, disgusted (with myself), exhausted, sad, angry, heartbroken and so much more.  

But I have to remind myself all the good this blog has done.  All the help it has provided me.  And that it is okay to just take a step back sometimes.  

It’s also okay to ask for help.

When I wanted to shut it down two days ago- it was because I was so scare to ask for help.  I was so angry with myself for taking so many laxatives.  I thought I deserved punishment.  And you guys always make me feel better.

I wanted to shut down that support for good.

But I’m so glad I did not.
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So happy anniversary to myself.  And I hope I am able to stumble back onto my feet sometime soon.

Warm thoughts to all of you ❤ ❤ ❤