Squeezing blood from stone

My supervisor almost had me crying in a meeting today.  

That so rarely happens, especially with Sere usually being the one who fronts (she doesn’t do emotional).  But he just keeps pushing and demanding and pushing and I just can’t do all that he’s demanding.  

He semi-triggered me and I just felt that bubbly break.  It was awful.  I held back thankfully, though he could certainly tell he touched a nerve (my face did that crumple thing without giving way to tears or noises).

And I’m not getting any of the hours or raise that’s been promised.

You can’t squeeze blood from stone, but currently he is trying his best. Squeeze squeeze squeeze.

I’m not sure how much longer I can be here.  I may take Mom up on her offer of returning to the law firm sooner than I expected.

Sorry- short post for a bad day.  I’ll have some other updates in another day or two most likely.  Work has just been overloading me.  To put it mildly.

Fear for Zoe

Zoe did something super scary this morning.

She woke me up by pressing herself forcefully against me (she is an affectionate dog, but not to this extreme and especially not during the summer) and the skin on her back and sides was trembling violently like she was shivering (the room was at least 60 degrees).

My initial concern was a seizure.  I know a couple dogs who’ve had them.  But she was responsive to me, let me move her and manipulate her while following my hands or mouth.  She did not whimper, pant, or drool.  Her legs did not stiffen or twitch.

When I tried to get up, she flung herself into my lap and continued to tremble.  Her eyes stared up into my face and her nose tried to touch the nearest bit of me she could.  I thought then that perhaps she was just scared (a bad dream?) and picked her up as I stood.  I carried her to the couch and sat with her, saying soothing words and petting her lightly.  

As soon as I was within a couple feet of the door, she started squirming and I put her down so I wouldn’t harm her.  She ran to the front door and pressed herself against it, staring up at me.

Ok. She wants to go outside.  I’m not an idiot.  I took her outside where she halfheartedly sniffed and wandered around, sniffed, peed, had a small poo (normal-looking) and then let me take her inside.  

She then proceeded to climb up next to me on the couch and do the same thing from the morning.  Pressing herself against me almost painfully with her back and sides trembling.

I called the vet.  They were not very helpful.  They said it could be a toxin she ingested (though I informed them she hasn’t vomited or had diarrhea, or trouble eating and drinking), seizures (though they admitted they agreed it was unlikely with her responsiveness to me), or just “a behavior possibility” (i.e. she just freaked herself out).

My dog is not a timid thing.  She comforts me during thunder storms, she asserts herself with all strangers (dog and people alike), she boldly goes in the car and into new buildings she’s never been in.

When I pressed the vet further, they stated they would have to have her come in for an appointment.  However, until July 15th, I absolutely CANNOT miss any work (not to mention I don’t have any leave time left after my most recent hospitalization).  They don’t have any openings before or after I get off.

Tomorrow is July 4th, a national holiday.  They are closed.  They say if she gets worse, I will have to take her to an emergency vet.

I desperately wanted to stay home with her.  I desperately wish my mother wasn’t out of town so she could watch her.

Neither of those two things are an option.

So here I am, physically at work, while my mind is frantically trying to reach back and be with my guardian angel of a dog.

It breaks my heart that she is always with me with I feel unwell, but I cannot be with her.

My system is fractured too.  I have yelling, crying, screaming, sobbing, begging, on and on and on in my head.  It’s all I can do to try and maintain some semblance of normalcy here at work.

I am hoping our office closes early for the holiday.

Overload

I knew work was heading this way.  I knew a possible breakdown was just on the horizon.  Currently I’m at my desk in the office with a hot chocolate (plus a shot of cappuccino) and an ice pack on the back of my neck.

Seems dumb, I know.  Only thing I can think of to try and ground me and keep me from having a breakdown.  Sensation helps keep my mind from going mental, so I thought the combination of hot and cold might keep me together for at least the next two hours (the extra caffeine can’t hurt).

I’m being hit in two different ways.

First of all; files being thrown at me and threats being dangled about audits and probationary period (not me, my contract- but basically the same thing).  I absolutely have to get shit done and done fast if I don’t want to be jobless in less than a month.

But then my supervisor pulls me into a one-on-one meeting this morning to go over an elaborate plan to elevate me and give me more responsibility and all the new things that will be expected of me.  The good part is more hours and a raise, but I don’t know.  I just don’t know.

My mother has asked if I’ll come back and work for her as a paralegal for her firm.  She’s said she’s pretty sure she can promise me full-time hours.  It’s so very tempting…

But I do love so much about this job.

Just not right now.  And not today.

This moment, I just want to go into a corner (or the bathroom), curl up, and cry.

I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this without letting my coworkers see me cracking.  I can’t let that happen.  I have to remain sane in the eyes of others.

Only 40% of me is a raging alcoholic…

This moment- right now– is why booze is not kept at work.  This moment.

Even though I so badly need it.

I’m so done with needy, crazy clients (not my kind of crazy, more the sociopathic/psychopathic/fear for my well-being kind) who make my bosses act like bitches/assholes towards me because they think it’s my fault I can’t get a complete file to them.

No, it’s that the client needs an advocate to help them because they have such issues that they cannot even find me a simple financial document without FLIPPING THEIR SHIT.

Do you want free money to keep your house?

No, apparently you just want to threaten me.  Fantastic.

I’m done.

Tonight is me getting drunk.