I seem to be stuck in focus.
Not in a specific memory, so to speak, but more a collection of memories.
All centered around my hipbones.
Katherine used to be obsessed with my hipbones. She would do this forced striptease where she would tug down my pants or skirt just enough so she could stroke both of them and croon about how she thought they were so sexybeautifulgorgeousperfect.
In bed she would require I wear nothing to prohibit her from touching them. I was limited to just shirts, occasionally I could get away with bikini-type underwear.
Her examinations would border on clinical at times, the way she would just strokeandstrokeandstroke. And stare.
And she would flip out the moment it seemed like any weight gain would affect this part of my body.
Somehow she passed this obsession on to a part of me. Every night I run my fingers along them in a strange sort of pre-bed ritual. When I examine myself in the mirror to see if I’m losing any weight, the first place I look are my hips.
Those bones are never jutting out enough to satisfy me.
Tonight I can’t get her crooning purr out of my head.
“God, I just love your hips. Wait. Turn to the side, just a little. Perfect.”
The tone she used right before she expected sex.
I hate being stuck in this place. I just want to escape.
Why can’t I shake it?
pen, paper, and crazy 
I’ll trade ya your sexy hipbones, girl, for my horrible Druid crap bridge and related memories that I am currently stuck in…!
Ya gotta love a part of yourselfs that is so fond of a part of your body. Good girl. Sex is a LOT about self appreciation…! I suffered a terrible first marriage, and the best part was when his hands showed me how good MY OWN body felt to ME… just in FEELING my own curves beneath his unworthy hands…!
Unfortunately, now I have a worthy Mate, and my body has betrayed me to the point of being unworthy of my affection or sustained attention. Hrrummph! :0<
–SynthGirl
http://www.SynthiaMasters.com
Sometimes it’s hard to dig out that self appreciation from under all the self-hatred. Especially when it comes to my body and sex.
But I do thank you for the kind words and support;
-Pen
I highly recommend making friends with that wise one who appreciates your hip bones. There’s too litle free FUN in this life to pass that awesome openness by — and it will most likely lead to others stepping forward with their OWN unique appreciations of your selfs, inside and out…!
But that is a dangerous game, to trust your selfs. :O>
I recommend it, girlz.
BTW, I think the reason you cannot “shake it” is because there is nothing inherently WRONG with it… you’ve just been in unsafe places so far…
But U R safe with U!!!
I think you may not understand this entry entirely. Katherine was an abuser. We will not be making friends with her. Hence why memories associated with her are mostly harmful and poisonous.
I would please ask you do not comment with requests to reconnect with past abusers or embrace their controlling ma ipularive ways.
-Roms
OMG, OMG, I am so sorry — Yes, I really did have it wrong — I thought Katherine was one of your Little Ones (insiders/alters)! That’s what I get for making a comment without reading more of your blog. I hope you will forgive me. 😥
It’s okay, you are perfectly forgiven. I knew your intentions were well-meaning, so I didn’t let Rika go off on you. My guess was there was merely some misunderstanding.
Warm thoughts,
-Roms