Silver streaking pain

(*trigger warning: ED talk)

I stupidly binged last night. Dumbdumbdumb.

I wish I had the courage or ability to just get rid of it immediately. A simple up and out. But I don’t.

So I broke out the laxatives today. First time in awhile. 

I forgot about the stabbing knife-like pain. Silver streaks dancing through my stomach and flashing through my head.  Their sweet singing flickering through each ear, taunting me, encouraging me.

Need to feel that glorious empty. The sharp bite of bright white clean. The echoing flavor of nothingness.

I just wish it didn’t have to be painful. I really hate pain.

But pain is beauty. And I’m never quite close enough.

-Victoria

Breaking a promise

(trigger warning for self-harm discussion)

I’m so very angry with myself.  And feeling remorse/regretful.

I broke my promise to myself last night.  I could go into which bit of me did and that it was an insider and not the “whole me”, but I feel like that’s just trying to dodge the blame.  It doesn’t matter “who” decided to do it.  It doesn’t matter.

I broke a promise.

It’s been three months since I’ve actually cut.  I’ve thought about it.  I’ve talked about doing it.  But I haven’t done it since I moved to my new place.

I’ve drank, I’ve self-medicated, and I’ve restricted.  But not cut.  Not that.  I promised myself I wouldn’t.  I promised my friends I wouldn’t.

Why can’t I just keep that one promise?  Why?  Three months is barely anything.  I feel so lost, so remorseful, so…

Sad.

I can’t wear shorts this weekend.  I’ll have to be sneaky with Army if we get intimate unless I want him to lecture me (again).

Mad.

The burn and sting of the freshly opened cuts feels so sickeningly good.  It shouldn’t.  I know it shouldn’t.  I hate that it does and I’m so mad that I would use that feeling to try and justify doing it.

Bad.

I just can’t win.  I thought the promise was something I valued.  I thought I (all of us) truly meant it.  I thought we could keep this new apartment free of that negative energy.

But blood has been spilled.  And blood stains.  It soaks in and ruins everything it touches.

I am worthless.

F-A-T

Not Enough

Trigger warning: ED freakout and talk of self-harm

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A search that showed up in the blog stats directed the trigger from general freak-out into full-blown ED centered.

That of course means that I have the power now.

I can see the scars on my thigh from the last time.  I want to open them up again.  Draw those lines.  I want to remind myself.

F-A-T

I need that visual reminder.  So I remember not to eat all those cinnamon rolls.  I need to go to the gym with my coworker.  I need to get rid of all of this.

All of it.

The others forget.  I’m not “normal sized”.  I’m not “thin enough”.  There’s never enough.

I’m not enough of anything.

Just not enough.

But don’t worry, don’t worry.  I’m going to make it better.

I am Ana’s strong will.  I am Ana’s icy breath.  I am Ana’s cold gaze.
I am Ana’s fierce determination.

-Victoria

Splintered

I am splintered.  Really struggling with the whole unity and “I”.  Feeling only like a “we” the past couple days.

And we are not agreeable or allies in any way.
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I’m not sure what made me decide to confide in him over text about being fat and ugly and needing pills and laxatives.  I’ve never spoken to anyone about it before.  I did take some pills and washed them down with a couple shots of liquor.  It makes it easier to not think about food.  I don’t need food.  Food makes me fat.

Then he texted us.  And sent everyone into a tailspin.  Charlotte is squirming in that nasty way she does.  He asks if I’m all right.  If I’m coping with all my new stress.  He says he misses me.  He asks about the new guy.  I don’t want to talk about Craig.  He says he’s worried about me.  He wonders if I’m handling living alone all right.

And I tell him.

I tell him I’m so fat and I have to take the laxatives on the weekend because otherwise I can’t go to work.  That during the week it’s hard and I struggle so bad to be a good girl.  That the other ladies at work always look so chic.  And they notice when I lose weight.  They notice every single pound.  And they are so happy for me.  So very happy.  They praise.  They congratulate.  They sing and shout and smile.  Their white teeth take up their whole face like fence posts in front of a perfect house.  A house a lady would have.

He cuts off my rantings and calms me down.  His encouragement and praise for my body being the way it is skitters into my brain and wraps around me like a blanket.  He dismisses the thoughts of blubber, of fat, of sludge.  I tell him it’s been weeks since he’s seen my anyway.

He says it doesn’t matter.  He doesn’t like me being so cruel to myself.  He says he cares.

How can he care?  He just leaves and dismisses me.  He doesn’t care at all.

He never cared when Audrey was hurting from the mess he made.
(he never thought the pregnancy was a two-person effort)

Why am I the one who feels pain at his words?  I don’t care what boys think.  What is wrong with me?
Charlotte’s affecting me too much.

More pills.

-Victoria

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I’m not exactly sure who told Craig our address.  My best guess is Charlotte or Kit.  It’s hard to know.  All I know is this boy stands in my living room, offering gifts of chocolate, ice cream, diet coke (Kit’s weakness) to try and make our back pain better.

But I barely know him.  I certainly don’t know him well enough to chose to let him into our residence.  But someone thinks he’s safe.  I think about enlisting Rika to help me boot him out.

It’s Charlotte that surfaces instead.  She entices him into the bedroom, saying they’ll watch a movie.  I wrestle control enough to stiffly watch a movie with him.  The damn muscle relaxers are messing me up badly.  Me, who can handle most pills like a trooper.  It is my talent, after all.

The rest of the evening slips past me.  I doze at one point.

The body dozes.

The boy doesn’t leave.

It’s me who wakes up in the cold light of morning and feels the pressure of an arm slung over my waist.  Rika fights her way forward but is caught by something.  By someone.

And suddenly I am gone.

-Midori

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no one knows self-sabotage like i do.  the boy moves closer, muttering something about mornings and food.  i remain perfectly still.  i am a statue.  i am always a statue when they want me to be.

but he wants to get up and go get food.  i stare at him.  he remarks that i can’t go to a restaurant in pajamas.  i look down and notice that i am fully clothed in a t-shirt and the loose pants that say coca-cola in red.  i glance back up at the boy.  he is fully clothed in jeans and a black t-shirt.  he tilts his head slightly and says something.  then he smiles in a sickeningly honest way.

i run

-daria
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I could eat.  I change clothes in the bathroom and accompany him to Bob Evans.  Breakfast sounds the best.

I am a little disappointed over the lack of activity last night, but he seems to be the type who isn’t into a quick roll in the sack anyway.

In my disappointment, my thoughts easily drift to Army as he natters on about his antics with friends back during his school days.  I wonder how much Victoria’s craziness scared Army.  It doesn’t seem like much, considering he last texts are about how he’ll always listen to us if we need it and all he wants to do is help.  I idly wonder what sort of help I might be able to get that offer to extend to….

I snap to attention when Craig mentions children and stare at him.  He speaks again, talking about how he-wants-a-family-and-he-has-name-ideas-and-he-thought-his-ex’s-baby-might-have-been-his-but-the-timing-wasn’t-right-and-that’s-probably-a-good-thing-anyway-because-he’s-done-with-her-and-a-child-should-be-with-someone-he’s-attracted-to-and-cares-about…

His eyes focus.  I blink.  And frown.

No fucking way.

I fucked that shit up before.  I am not gonna be the one to crack open that jar this time.  Not to mention that the last time was a complete accident.  This guy sounds like he’d hide our birth control pills.

Fucking hell.

-Charlotte
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Sucess and the Art of Ignoring

After that whole fretting thing in my last post I thought I should inform you all that the date went very well.

So well, in fact, that we actually went out again on Sunday.  And he actually went to museum with me- I’ve never dated anyone willing to do that.  He even seemed to enjoy it.  How strange.

We saw “Warm Bodies” (which was FANTASTIC) and had a couple of lovely dinners (on two separate days, obviously).  He seems really awesome and sweet and funny and a little bit awkward, but that works out because I’m a little bit awkward myself.

I’m trying to not let this stuff get away from me.  That is always a bad idea.  But I seem to have nicely accomplished that so far.  I’m letting myself have that nicely warm feeling but not dwelling or daydreaming like I (*ahem* Claire mostly) usually do.

There is a bit of recoil, like usual when it comes to a new relationship but I think I’m doing a great job ignoring it.  For the most part.  Victoria is livid over us eating a healthy dinner two days in a row so she’s fighting hard on the restricting front, but I’m too warm-feeling to even care.  In fact, I’m even going to a friend’s house tonight for dinner.  I think I’m actually winning against Victoria for once.  That’s never happened.

Apparently there’s something magical about the dating game…

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I suppose I need to come up with some alias since I’ll be taking about him for at least another week (we plan to get together again this weekend).

Let’s go with……

Craig.

Fat (TW)

I hate having to deal with the aftermath of a self-harming episode.  I hate dealing with the withdraw from Middi’s pill popping. I hate dealing with the stinging of Daria’s mutilation whenever clothes or above-tepid water touch the tiny cat-like scratches.

But what I hate the most is having hide Victoria’s crazy self-mutilation. She cuts and burns actual words into my skin. Not something I can pass off as a dog or cat scratch after a week of healing. Nope. Something I have to hide for months until the scar fades enough that it can’t be read.

It’s been almost a year since she last tried to do this. And someone was able to stop her before she managed anything resembling readable English.

Not this time.

I’m so ashamed.

All it does is give power to her desire to starve us to death.

Every time I look down and see those three letters, I believe them.

It doesn’t matter what others say. Even a completely unbiased (and well-meaning) friend of Shadow Dragon who was over last night said “Where’s the rest of you?” and some other comments about my supposed dramatic weight loss. But it’s so hard for me to see it myself.

Why? Why?

Why do I only see flab and fat? I just try not to be as bad as Victoria. But I see it. Every day.

And now those three letters carved into my skin whisper to me that I’m not good enough. I’m not there yet. Moremoremore.

I don’t want to die. I know parts of me do, but most of me wants to live. Why can’t those parts be stronger? Why do the negative parts get away with so much? How do they get so much power? Why does insecurity always slip back in instead of the compliments I hear from friends and family?

I don’t understand.

Stood Up – TW

(Trigger warning- dark thoughts and eating disorder talk ahead)

We got stood up tonight….

He literally left right after arranging to meet us for dinner with an excuse of “he forgot he had to work”.

That no good fucking asshole of a fuckwit. Can’t even manage to follow through on simple fucking dinner plans. This is why romance is a no good, rotten fucking idea. Only blows up in our goddamn faces. Why the hell do any of you pathetic idiots bother?

It’s because we’re disgusting and fat. He saw us for the first time in weeks and we are such a whale that he doesn’t want to be near us. I think I’ll try and find a buddy to do the ABC diet with. Maybe that will actually get rid of some of these flab and blubber. I’m just pitiful at doing it on my own. And you others always fight me. You know we’re a cow. That’s why no one wants us. If we had a perfect thigh gap then we’d be good enough.

Idiosyncrasies

(We were inspired by Carol Anne’s post this evening having to do with “being recognized”.  Things are a bit hectic tonight and some sorting out would be helpful.  Our system always likes talking about being separate, even if we are trying this uniting/getting along thing.  It settles us.)
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There are little behaviors, movements, actions, words, etc. that usually identify a particular person.

With someone who has a system or is a multiple, the alters each tend to have ones to call all their own.

We’re all feeling a bit restless and needed a sort of “freewrite”, so to speak.

I thought listing some well-known idiosyncrasies we use to figure out who has control of the body would be a good way to settle down.

Kit had a similar list handwritten in a safe location when we were at our worse switching and losing time and had to try and attempt to figure out some order.
_____________________________________________________________

Armes
-hums, especially Disney or Glee songs
-colors
-bites her nails
-tends to only whisper
-likes to eat food “in bits”, picking off pieces slowly and taking tiny bites (especially with cookies and pastries)

 

Charlotte
-flips her hair, especially when flirting
-expressive use of her eyes, especially with flirting
-always crosses her legs
-flicks her Zippo lighter case compulsively
-smokes like a true addict- savors the cigarette

 

Claire
-twirls pens and pencils
-tucks her hair behind her ear compulsively, especially when nervous
-won’t make eye contact with a male
-chews on pens and pencils’ ends while writing

 

Daria
-rocks back and forth, especially when nervous
-mutters under her breath and never speaks above a whisper or hiss
-leaves out self-harm implements (most of the self-harmers clean up after themselves)
-repeats words and phrases over and over

 

Kit
-eats pickles in a very slow and particular way, almost like an ear of corn
-likes to relax lying on her stomach, legs kicking in the air
-will compulsively play with jewelry the body has on
-likes to drive with all the windows down
-will leave the TV running when drifting off to sleep (especially during storms)

 

Midori
-sings when she thinks no one’s listening (especially while baking)
-foot jiggles when reading a “good part” in a book
-ability to block out practically any distractions when reading, baking, composing, or gaming
-smokes in a sort of distracted way, as if it’s only a placeholder for another habit
-will take painkillers compulsively if she can gain access to them

Rika
-leaves the radio in the car really loud
-smokes cigarettes like a chimney, not pausing at all
-drives a bit recklessly
-If someone on the road does something to piss her off, will talk to drivers in an angry patronizing way as if they can hear her
-cusses every other word

 

Roms
-prefers cats (with the exception of Zoe)
-enjoys water in any form, will try to swim or take long showers when out
-goes out of her way to check on any nearby children
-takes her time to examine art objects or photographs (like in a new place)

Serefina
-pulls hair into bun
-reads non-fiction books, especially relating to law
-speaks in a highly professional tone with a lot of large words
-doodles in margins of papers she takes notes on (she doesn’t like admitting this)

Victoria
-braids the body’s hair
-refuses to eat
-has long beauty regimes (face masks, body lotion, sloughing cream, etc.)
-tries to have a self-harming item in one hand, even if not actively using
-only alter who does burning self-harm

Risks of romance

Things are taking a strange turn with Army. Technically good, but that has half of the system trying to backpedal as quickly as they can.

There is something about being being treated sweetly and wooed that always has red flags raising in this head of mine.

First Army goes to Horrorama with me and is absolutely wonderful. I spend the night at his place after and it feels way too good to be held by him again.
Red Flag #1

Then he invites me to dinner on Halloween, but his job sending him on an extra call causes him to stand me up. I am upset. He spends hours texting me all sorts of sweet and apologetic things until I can’t even manage mild annoyance.
Red Flag #2

This past weekend I had a bit of a rotten time and though he’s technically on shift, he again spends hours texting supportive and endearing messages.
Red Flag #3

Tonight he takes me out to a movie and afterwards we fool around a bit in his car. During the whole “heat of the moment” timespan, he says some surprisingly deep and romantic things about missing me, needing me, wishing we still lived together, and being thankful that I gave him a “second chance”.
Red Flag #4

I go with it during- mostly because Charlotte is fronting and she’s eating it up. But Daria, Rika, and Victoria are all getting on edge together.
Sidenote: I never noticed the “anti-romance” alters’ names all end in “a”. Interesting.

Anyway, when we part ways, there is some serious talking in the peanut gallery/system during my whole drive home.

Victoria just finished texting him confirming that he meant what he said in his car. He’s adamant he feels that way and hinted about things changing and that we “need to talk in person”.

And now my head is a twister.

Uniballer taught us long ago that wooing and sudden sweet talk only leads to manipulation and heartbreak.

But Army’s never been the manipulating type. But he usually so emotionally stunted that we can barely deal. That is not “deep relationship” material. But maybe he’s seeing things differently.
We’ve had friends and Mom tell us that Army and I moving into separate places has made him realize he misses me when he took me for granted before.

But why? We don’t deserve to be missed or needed. And we certainly didn’t deserve the second chance that was ours, not his, as he seems to think.

Our insides are so broken, crazy-glued, and delicate that how is it possible to consider entrusting another person with even a part of that again?

It was mere weeks ago that we were reminded of the lesson of lies men feed us to try and gain trust. A lesson we should be well versed in.

So why is my heart jumping and clenching at the idea? Is that excitement or abject terror?

Have I Ever….?

(Apologizes for the mess of posts today.  Thoughts are needing organizing.)

Okay, so someone on Facebook had this and it perked my interest.  Obviously I’m suuuuuuuper bored.

I thought it would be fun to do this as more of a multiple-themed thing.  So instead of “yes/no”, I’m going to put the name of which alter(s) have done the following:
*Note: the name will be put assuming we know who did it
*Note 2: some of these questions may be triggering to some.  The answers shouldn’t, as we aren’t planning to elaborate on our experience.
*Note 3: This is probably only remotely interesting to ourselves.  That’s fair.

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100 Things

1. Had sex?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

2. Bought Condoms?
Charlotte

3. Gotten Pregnant?
Charlotte, technically (all of us were pregnant though, obviously)

4. Failed A Class?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori (Serefina refuses responsibility)

5. Kissed A Boy?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Serefina

6. Kissed A Girl?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

7. Used A Little Paper Bag for Lunch?
Armes, Claire, Rika, Roms, Serefina

8. Had A Job?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

9. Slipped On Ice?
Armes, Roms

10. Missed The School Bus?
Armes, Roms

11. Had sex with a girl?
Audrey, Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Rika, Roms, Serefina

12. Bullied Someone On The Internet?
Rika, perhaps. But it would have been in retaliation to something most likely

13. Sexted?
Charlotte, Kit

14. Had Sex In Public?
Charlotte

15. Played On A Sports Team?
Mute, Rika, Serefina

16. Smoked Weed?
Charlotte (once)

17. Smoked Cigarettes?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina

18. Smoked A Cigar?
Charlotte, Serefina

19. Drank Alcohol?
Charlotte, Daria, Kit, Midori, Serefina, Victoria

20. Watched porn?
Charlotte

21. Skipped class?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika

22. Gotten Arrested?
No one (astounding probably…)

23. Done meth?
No one

24. Been To A Wedding?
Armes, Claire, Kit, Roms

25. Fell in love with a best friend?
Claire, Kit, Roms  (Charlotte refuses to acknowledge ever “falling in love”)

26. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?
Claire, Midori, Serefina

27. Watched TV For 5 Hours Straight?
Armes, Kit, Midori, Rika

28. Been Late For Work?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

29. Been Late For School?
Probably everyone at some point

30. Kissed In The Rain?
Charlotte and Roms (only ones not afraid of storms who will kiss someone)

31. Showered With Someone Else?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, RIka, Roms, Serefina

32. Failed My Drivers Test?
Kit (Rika took the 2nd attempt and passed with flying colors)

33. Cheated on a ex?
No one

34. Been Outside My Home Country?
All of us.

35. Been On A Road Trip Longer Than 5 Hours?
Daria, Kit, Midori, Mute, Rika, Serefina, Victoria

36. Had Lice?
Unknown- someone in 2nd or 3rd grade

37. Gotten My Heart Broken?
…all of us  (except Rika -eyeroll-)

38. Had A Credit Card?
Technically all of us, but only Charlotte, Kit, Midori, and Rika really go shopping

39. Been To A Professional Sports Game?
Mute, Midori, Rika (it’s always been with Daddy…)

40. Broken A Bone?
All of us

41. Am I BI/Gay/Lesbian?
Hm…Audrey, Claire, Kit, Midori, Roms, and Serefina admit to it.  Technically we’ve all been in a relationship with a woman, but the other deny being “normally” attracted to women

42. Won A Trophy?
Claire, Midori, Rika

43. Cut Myself?
Audrey, Daria, Midori, Victoria

44. Had An STD?
No one

45. Got Engaged?
Not legally- Ohio doesn’t accept same-sex marriage- but technically Katherine and I were engaged

46. Done ecstasy?
No one

47. Tried Out To Be On A TV Show?
No one

48. Rode In A Taxi?
All of us (from Chicago…obviously. Lol.)

49. Been To Prom?
Audrey, Kit

50. Played A Drinking Game?
Charlotte, Midori, Serefina

51. Stayed Up For 24 Hours Or More?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina, Victoria

52. Been To A Concert?
Midori

53. Had A Three-Some?
No one

54. Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex?
Audrey, Kit, Midori, Serefina

55. Been In A Car Accident?
All of us

56. Had Braces?
All of us

57. Learned Another Language?
Claire, Midori, Mute, Rika, Serefina

58. Killed An Animal?
No. Never. No one. Ever ever.

59. Been At A Yard Sale?
A variety of us

60. Been To A Japanese Steakhouse?
Kit, Midori, Serefina

61. Wore Make Up?
Charlotte, Claire, Kit

62. Talked To Someone Via Webcam?
All of us

63. Lost My Virginity Before I Was 16?
….

64. Had My Wisdom Teeth Taken Out?
All of us

65. Kissed Someone A Different Race Than Myself?
Charlotte

66. Snuck Out Of The House?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori, Rika, Serefina

67. Bought Porn?
Charlotte

68. Had A Virus On My Computer?
All of us

69. Had Oral Sex?
Charlotte, Claire, Kit, Midori, Serefina

70. Dyed My Hair?
All of us

71. Gone Skinny Dipping?
Charlotte, Kit

72. Graduated From College?
No one (technically our degree is a couple credits short)

73. Wore Someone Else’s Clothes?
A variety of us (mostly Germany’s or Texas’s)

74. Voted In A Presidential Election?
Midori, Serefina

75. Rode In An Ambulance?
Unknown- too triggery

76. Rode In A Helicopter?
No one

77. Caught The Stove On Fire?
Charlotte (haha, taught her to leave the cooking to Middi and Roms)

78. Got In A Verbal Fight?
Charlotte, Kit, Rika

79. Met Someone Famous?
No one

80. Been On Vacation?
All of us

82. Been On A Boat?
All of us

81. Been On An Airplane?
All of us

83. Broken Something Expensive?
Unknown….there’s…something about this question, but I can’t quite remember

84. Had Surgery?
Does wisdom teeth removal count? That’s the only surgery we’ve ever had.

85. Been In Love?
Ah…yes.

86. Beat A Video Game?
Kit, Midori, Rika

87. Found Something Valuable On The Ground?
I don’t think so…

88. Made A Survey?
No one

89. Stalked Someone On A Social Network?
No one

90. Prank Called Someone?
Kit, Rika

92. Spent Over $100 Shopping In One Day?
Charlotte, Kit, Midori

91. Been To A Library Outside Of School?
Armes, Midori

93. Cut My Hair And Hated It?
Charlotte, Kit, Victoria

94. Peed Outside?
Roms (she’s the only one who likes camping/canoeing)

95. Went Fishing?
No one

96. Helped With Charity?
All of us

97. Taken A Pregnancy Test?
Audrey

98. Been Rejected By A Crush?
All of us

99. Been Suspended From School?
No one

100. Broken a mirror?
No one (we’re a superstitious bunch)