The Prophetess

He whispers sweet promises in her ears.

I need you.  I want you.  She meant nothing.  I pine for you.

She is enthralled.  A sensation of awe twines up her stomach and curls around her heart.  She can almost taste the emotion.  It has a name, but she is unfamiliar with it’s bittersweet burst of flavor.

I miss you.  I think of you. What can we do to make this work?

The idea hangs above her head like an almost ripe fruit.  She worries whether bugs have burrowed in it while it hangs so innocently above.  Perhaps it is a hollow fruit, unable to be savored.  She has been warned before.

I know every sweet word to say.  I know every sweet spot on your body.  I know how to make you sing.

She misses singing.  She misses that syrupy thick feeling while lying on the cool sheets and allowing his fingers to dance over her.  She tries to forget they danced over another.

I never intended you harm.  I would never want to hurt you.  I want to show you how much I’ve missed you. I want to show you how beautiful you are.  I know I can help you see it too.  I always could.

He speaks the truth. The idea of self-beauty is a cobweb he presents her with every encounter.  It dissolves within a day, but glitters so brightly in that short time as to be worth every delicate moment.

She is Cassandra.  The Prophetress. Doomed to know the future in stark truth, but unable to stop it from becoming present happenings.

Even from herself.

She leans over the precipice, knowing exactly what lies below.  And yet she lets the sweet lies roll over her.  She is not only gifted with The Sight; she is also gifted with undaunting optimism.

She hopes.  She dreams.  She longs.

Perhaps this time they will not be lies.

Perhaps this time there will be that elusive Happy Ending.

The If Game

Ever played the If Game?

If this light turns green now, I’ll be on time to work.

I used to play it all the time as a child.

Not logical things.  Not like, If I get an A on this paper, Dad won’t be angry.

More like, If I can catch a falling leaf out of the air, Dad will be in his room all night.

Stupid childish stuff.

I find myself slipping back into it lately.

If my BP is lower today, things are going to finally start improving

If I can get through this work day without a single urge to just go home, I can stick with this job

If Beau* can get through two hours without texting me bullshit, this relationship could be long term

If that ambulance I see in the distance is ———-**, Army is missing me

It’s a dumb game.

Though I’m sure it says a lot about me.

I’m not happy.

I was a little over a week ago.  I remember.  Why can I not stay happy?  That’s all I want.  Not forever, just for longer than a week or two.

If the sun is shining tomorrow, I will be happy
__________________________________________________________________________

*Nickname/Pseudonym I decided to go with for this new relationship

**The name of the company Army works for, but I’m not going to put it in this post.  It’s a small private company.

Imaginary Windows

Surrounded on all sides by walls

Work day passes with imaginary windows

My mind leaps away, demanding pathos

Telling those creative juices to flow

Sunrises, sunsets, oceans, and fields

All swirl across my line of vision

A flower, a bird, a child’s smile

Even as the nearby Exit sign blinks a dreary red

 
EDIT: Probably should have cropped out my Aquafina water bottle.  Not so artistic…oops!   

Hypertension Blues

Blood pressure is up again.  

193/122.

Thrown up a couple times.  Then once it settled a bit, tried all the emergency/extra meds the doctor gave me that I’m supposed to take when it goes above the danger zone.  Not helping.

I’m just really getting so very done with this whole thing.  I just want to be a normal person without these issues.  

I want to be able to make plans and hangout with people and not worry about a BP spike that causes me to be curled up in pain (or throwing up) for hours.  

I want to be able to go to work and not go to the bathroom to cry or throw up, then go back to my desk to force myself through files because I’m out of leave time.

I just want to be healthy.

I feel like I’m being punished.  Everything I try to do or change to help makes no difference.  I don’t even know what to think anymore.  I really don’t.

I’m just going to go home after work and take some sleeping pills.  I just can’t deal with this.

Older puppies

This past Sunday I went to a mini-puppy playdate with two of Zoe’s puppies that a friend adopted.  The lucky boys are my favorites and get to grow up together- I was so happy to find them such a good home.

Their newborn nicknames were Red and Japan, but their new family has named the Brutus and Bandit.
Brutus is the one who is almost the spitting image of Zoe and Bandit is the one with the white stripe.

Enjoy!

The Girl Who Played Robot

Once upon a time there was a girl…

She wished she was a robot.

She wished she didn’t have any desire for love, support, or acceptance.

Sometimes she would pretend to be a robot.  She would shove people away for no reason (they didn’t do anything wrong) and turn off those pesky emotions.  Robots do not need emotions.

The whispers and hisses in her brain could be considered software malfunction.  Just ignore it.  Do a system reboot and it’ll all be okay.

Turn off that part that dwells on the past.  That nostalgia or loneliness for a particular person is nothing but a series of numbers and code.  There may be a bug in the system making her think she misses him.  But she definitely doesn’t.

The robot is thinking that the idea of starting a new committed relationship is unnecessary.  The robot does not need others.

She lets this new man attempt kissing and caressing while daydreaming about having a small metal frame and being filled with only wires.

He asks to be “committed and official” and she puzzles over what this means.  She shrugs at the request to put in on the internet (Facebook, of course).  It doesn’t much matter anyway.

She wishes the rising nausea and pain and blood pressure could be solved.  If only she could be a robot.  Then all that swirling frustrating pain would be nonexistent.

A robot would solve all these pesky problems.

She debates on pretending to be a robot.  She’s good at that.

ED Recovery App without the stress/guilt!

The absolutely gorgeous lady over at The Fat Ballerina posted about a Recovery Record App available for FREE for most smartphones and tablets.

I just downloaded it and haven’t had a chance to explore it thoroughly, but what I read so far on the description and reviews has me excited.

Here’s something that may manage to let me track and log like my brain likes to do; but keep it as positive and guilt-free as possible.  Perhaps avoid too much triggering and encourage some better eating habits.

Please let me know if any of you have already tried it and have opinions or if any of you happen to try it out here soon and want to let me know what you think!

Remember; you are beautiful and braver than you realize!  Be gentle with yourself!

After the Date

The short version: It went well.  Really well. I really like this guy.  We went out again on Sunday in a more casual sense (a local festival) and we’ve made tentative plans to get together again this weekend.

The long version:  It was quite lovely.  And if it says anything, I actually let him into my apartment after our second date.  I don’t usually do that.
After dinner during the first date, neither of us wanted to just go home.  So we ended up going to a theater, getting late tickets to “The Conjuring” (he likes horror, thank goodness), and hanging out at the bar while we waited.  I had a small glass of something, but limited myself.  He actually only had a small beer.  I was impressed after previous awful dates where they’ve practically bathed in alcohol.

We didn’t kiss on the first date, which was something that sort of bummed me out (yeah, I’m a slut).  Then he texted me and confessed that he was worried about the awkward mechanics of a first kiss in a car (it was at my request that he didn’t walk me to my door- I was worried about Zoe barking and waking up my brother who’s staying with me) and wanted to save it for when we were actually standing/sitting in a less awkward position.  It made complete sense.

Then we went out again Sunday to a festival.  And kissed.  And he doesn’t suck (unlike my last awful dating attempt).  It was really nice.  My coworker Hannah met him at the festival.  She says she approves and likes him.

I really. Really. Like him.

I already added him on Facebook.  Early for me.  He’s already said super nice things about all my awful/goofy ancient pictures.

I broached some mental-health stuff.  Mostly just depression and some family history type things.  Nothing extreme.  He was surprisingly receptive.

Anyway, I could go on and on but I’m worried about jinxing it and I need to save some for later anyway.

So yeah.  Good date.  I’m happy.  Things are pretty rolling right now.

Just crossing my fingers it stays this way.

Date

I have a date tonight.

I am trying not to freak out.

I haven’t had a date in a couple months now.  And surprisingly, I really really like this guy.  Like, more than the dumb dating website creepos.

We met at the local dog park I take Zoe to.  He has two shepherd mixes that are adorable (and smitten with Zoe).

We’re going to this local pub-burger-type place.  Supposedly famous for excellent food, though I’ve never been there.

Unfortunately, it’s a Pepsi place, but we’ll survive.  We had a long conversation about how Coke is better.  Glad he agrees on that important detail.

Anyway, I’ll update you guys if I can.  I also have a doctor’s appt tomorrow morning, so there may be a bit of a delay.

Wish me luck!

A Puppy Update

It seems like the community is a bit dark and sad lately; so I wanted to publish something that might make a lot of you smile.

Recently, one of my mother’s friends who adopted a couple of Zoe’s puppies sent us a funny picture of one of them!

Those of you who kept up with the puppies will know this rascal as “Japan”, but his new family renamed him Bandit.

I think it’s a perfect name!

King of the table!

 

Hope it gave you a smile!  Happy Friday to all of you and lots of hugs and warm thoughts ❤ ❤ ❤